The Advice General

Ask Rob! The Advice General
Ask Rob! The Advice General

“Ask Rob! The Advice General” answers relationship and personal advice questions through email.

I like to help people and I have been told that I have a particular insight into the human condition. I want to be able to help you.

About:

What type of questions will “Ask Rob! The Advice General” answer?
Rob, The Advice General will answer all questions posed to him or try to provide information concerning the answers you seek. Rob has answered questions about dating, relationships, dealing with cheaters, teen advice concerning dating, friends and other happenings that can cause confusion and grief, breaking up and relationship reconciliation, living together and your married life.

And above all, enjoy the informative advice made available. This site is only possible because you came here to visit.
Thank you for coming.

Relationship question?

Hi Rob,
I came across your website and I am searching for some answers in regards to my relationship with my fiance of almost 4 years.
It seems there has been quite a change in our relationship since last year… We haven’t had sex in almost 9 months now.. this has left me with an empty and unsatisfied life… he has been depressed due to finances but this truly bothers me.. when I got to try and touch him, he says “get off”… he also has been putting pillows under his legs and between us in bed.. which really bothers me… it is also hard enough for me to get a kiss good bye or just a nice hug from him… I have never ever been with a man who doesn’t want to hug, kiss or make love to me.. it is so hard for me to understand this problem.. when I ask him why he’s not interested in sex he says it’s not his priority…
I would truly appreciate your opinion.. I just want to be happy and have someone in my life who appreciates and loves me…
Sincerely, Paula

Hi Paula,
Let me start with life’s pressures affecting the way we interact with those closest to us. It’s easier to push people away than to share what’s bothering us.
Open and honest communication needs to be regained in your relationship and you need to find out how to approach the subject without starting an argument or seeming to place blame.
Financial pressures account for the greatest majority of relationship breakups.
Do you have any clues about changes to his (and your both) finances?
Visiting http://www.htryw.com can bring you some ideas on how to start a dialogue that will allow you insight and healing of your relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dilemma (Need your good advice ASAP)

Hi Rob,
I need your advice about my current situation now, and I’ll be glad if you could give me your insight about my problem. I didn’t wanna ask you about this because I should figure this out on my own I know, but….I am too confused now and don’t know what to do. So please help me.

First of all, I’m a 19 year old Bi girl (nobody knows and I dont intend to come out anytime soon), and I met this girl through my workplace. She’s a 28 year old co-worker from Korea. She is on a working visa thing here in Canada. We became friends quite quickly. Later, we went on a in-town trip together and that time I noticed her physical intimacy towards me. I knew that most Asians have that kind of physical intimacy with their friends so I didn’t find it weird, just I’m not used to that (holding hands thing with a friend) so I rejected to that at first. Actually I didn’t find that suspicious or anything weird so after a while, I just let her hold my hand freely (and I mean actually holding hands, not just arm) After that first trip, we went on another trip again and we actually stayed in a hotel room for one night together. I didnt do anything or was thinking about anything more than a friend to her that time, but when we were already in bed together, just her physical intimacy got more. She was cuddled up with me while her face was very close to my face that I could actually feel and hear her breathing. The next morning I asked her about that and she told me that it was just a habit and so I asked her if she ever did it to someone else or to her room-mate, and she said sometimes (But I knew not really). Actually that time, i already found it suspicious. Her physical intimacy with me is just too much but everytime I asked her about it, she always just say its normal for her and nothing weird. I didnt reject her physical intimacy with me because I actually liked that and I knew she liked that physical intimacy with me as well. But anyways, I wasn’t sure about her orientation.

Time goes by, we became closer and closer, and our physical intimacy developed very quickly and much more. Our relationship was like of a couple, we see each other EVERYDAY, from morning 9-10am till 3am, and then we fight everyday about something small or childish. Just the problem I have was she has a long time boyfriend for about 7 years in Korea…

To make my story a bit shorter… finally, while we were on the bed together after hanging out one night, we became very intimate that finally she ended up kissing me. Things were very fast and led to a more serious and stronger intimacy quickly. Actually, first her plan was to just work here until her work permit Visa expires then she will go back to Korea, but then when we were just “friends” I asked her to stay longer and so she finally made up her mind that she wanna stay here and would get a permanent residency here in Canada. So after many thinking and options, the best way she could find to quickly immigrate here was to go to Quebec and study French (cuz its easier to get residency in Quebec, just you have to pass French) So as our time together is running out, I decided to live with her for the remaining time she had here. We already had fights and discussions about her boyfriend thing and our relationship, but she didn’t clarify to me what exactly our relationship was. I KNEW exactly that we have no future together and that she can’t and would not break up with her long time boyfriend (after all, he is very useful to her and she is very used to him) I knew that. But…. I was wishing I would be more important to her. I was just hoping and praying I could change that. I asked her back then when we were just friends if she ever thought about her boyfriend if she immigrates here and she said to me that he doesnt have any influence on her decision AT ALL. That she doesnt mind him at all. So that time, I thought he’s not that important to her and she doesnt really love him. Isn’t that right?

Anyways, I know she cares about me (even though I don’t wanna think or believe that nowadays) and she likes me too, and as I said, we talked about many things and told me couple of times that if I want to end whatever relationship we have then I could. Before we moved together, we had an argument about the whole boyfriend thing and she told me its better if we don’t move together. And I knew she was right BUT…just I want her, so I did.

Just…. I want her. I already knew what I was getting into, just I thought I could make myself more important to her that she would choose me over her normal life/boyfriend. I wanna keep her no matter what, but I don’t know how now. I want to keep her and I could keep whatever kind of relationship we have now, but… it’s hurting me too much and I can’t take the fact that I’m just….a…..sideline(?) affair(?)… and that I can never have her just to myself and call her solely mine. I deserve better than this kind of relationship but just…I don’t know what love is, just… I want to be with her and next to her as much as possible. I wish we could go back as just being friends, but I can not. I want to keep her and whatever relationship we have now……..but……….I don’t know…………………………… I want to keep her no matter what and I would do anything to make it happen but I don’t know…….

Help me Rob. Could you tell me what you think and what I should do? Help me ASAP 🙁 THANK YOU SO MUCH! Would be looking forward to your reply soon.

Hi Girl in a Dilemma
While I can understand and also feel sad for the loss of relationship you now feel I must also say that you became too dependent on your “girlfriend” and now have your feelings crushed by her and her seemingly callous actions towards you.

She has chosen a life different than yours and the people that we want to share our lives with we must be sure to not try to possess them.

You are hurt because you know, deep down, she does not share with you the things you feel.

She is not yours to keep and really never was. You might be able to remain friends with her, but I don’t think that is what she wants. Her life is different from yours.

You need to stretch your wings and find love from someone that will treat you special, not as a thing to do for a little while.
Good luck,
Rob

He is getting what he wants, what about me?

hi, i hope this works!!

i was searching random things on the internet when i happened across your site and thought that maybe this would be a good oportunity to get some answers… i’m young, only 19 so i’ll understand if you think i’m taking this way too seriously; but i’m also renowned for being very mature for my age. i’ve had a tough life as short as it is so i don’t normally put up with this kind of thing; but i also tend to be the sort of person or forgets to take care of herself as she always puts others first. i think this is what this is, and this is getting far out of hand.

i met a guy through a friend 2 and a half years ago; there was one of those “instant connections” i guess people like to call them, but i was hard about it and firm that i wasn’t going to let anything happen. he was super sweet and shy, i was more outgoing and forthcoming. i say what i think, mean what i say, and can be a bitch if i need to get the point across. i didn’t want a relationship and without even thinking of what he wanted i shut him out. besides seeing each other at work we didn’t associate; but there was always a closeness between us that in most people seems to lead to something…. if you let it. about 6 months ago the same friend had a graduation party; and she invited the same guy. we met up and after not seeing each other for nearly a year we started talking immediately. i’m usually very guarded around people especially guys but with him it’s always been natural to be touchy and close which is how i think things started. after the party i went home, without him; i never asked for an email, a number, just like before i made it clear i wasn’t interested.

he pawned my number off a friend and started texting me the very next day. after that, it was texting, every 10 minutes, from the early morning till late at night, or calling for a quick chat (we didn’t live in the same town). we started meeting up at parties or get togethers with friends. at first it was just talking but like i said before; it was always very touchy and close. i guess if i was smart i would have stopped it but i wasn’t looking for a relationship; it was just fun. our friends started to notice the way we acted around each other; the next thing i knew people are asking if we’re going out. i said no, thinking i’d just got out of a bad relationship so a friend was all i saw in him. after another week he showed up at work with flowers. drove me home or to places i needed to go. we started talking about very personal things, both of us. how we went from 0 to 160 in just a few weeks i have no idea… but i decided to talk to him about what we wanted. we both agreed a relationship might not be the best thing at the time. we were happy with that. but things just got worse. when we moved to the same city to start college we started seeing each other even more frequently. that same month we ended up sleeping together several times. again, driving me places, to and from school, buying me lunch… bringing me roses just because he “knew i liked them.” when i asked him if he wanted a relationship he again said no. by this time i was so confused i didn’t know what to think. he claims he has no feelings for me but i don’t know whether or not to believe him anymore. i guess we’re FWB; but i was always under the impression that FWB was no emotion. if that’s the case why does he kiss my forehead or hold my hand walking down the street? why did he sneak up behind me in the mall just yesterday when i was walking with my ENTIRE family, just to hug me and say hi? why did lastnight when he came over, he didn’t correct my older cousin (who rents with me) when she asked if we were still dating? then only 10 minutes after that crawl into my bed for the whole “benefits” thing? i don’t get it, why would he let my cousin believe that we are dating if to me he’s firm that we are only FWB? everyone laughs when we say we’re FWB. no one believes it. i don’t know if i do anymore either. i did before; i was fine with it, honestly; i mean i care about him but the fact that he was seeing other people (or at least i’m assuming he is i have no proof) never bothered me. as long as he was being safe it didn’t concern me. now i just want to know. i’ve asked but the answer is always the same. i don’t know what to think about his body language or the way he acts around me. i push him away and he pulls me back. i try to get the facts straight and he fights to keep them muddled. is he confused? or am i just a stupid fool being played for my body?

he’s had a lot of bad things happen; including bad relationships. up until now i’ve been letting that be the excuse for his odd behaviour. all i ever really think i wanted from this, was to help him figure things out. now maybe i’m realizing i’m making them worse? i tried breaking it off 2 weeks ago; he got so depressed he skipped 3 days of school. we made up, and since then he’s been beyond happy. i want him to be happy. but at the same time i want to know i’m doing the right thing. i don’t know if this is helping or hurting him. maybe even holding him back…. i don’t know guys i don’t even pretend to. that’s why i need your help? i’ve asked everyone i know if this is normal and everyone seems just as confused as i am. i’ve wondered if maybe i should just take the reigns and drop him again and just ignore the fact that it hurts him 🙁 or should i try to go back to the friends? just friends, no benefits, no touching, just friends? please help, because this is driving me to the end of my rope! there has to be something i can say or do to sort this all out….? hope to hear from you soon… sincerely, “a girl going mad”

Hi Girl Going Mad,
Sadly, in a few hundred words you’ve written the manual of how a guy can start a “friends with benefits” arrangement with a girl.
A little sweet talk, taking up all of her time with email, phone calls, texting, etc. Unexpected gifts and unexpected appearances round up how to hold her attention all the while saying you aren’t dating, there is no relationship, but thanks for the sex anyways.

And yes, likely he’s seeing other girls, or setting up his next FWB at the very least.

You need to do this immediately (or as soon as possible today!):
-Talk face-to-face with him and say “If you’re not going to give me a promise ring and start telling people we are “seriously” dating then I don’t want to see you again.

You have to be tough. He’s using you and telling you that he’s using you but you hold onto the hope that he will decide to be your boyfriend, all the while life is passing you by. He owes you either a future or a very big explanation.

You’ve wasted far too much time on this guy to have no “benefits” yourself and sex is not a benefit for you, it’s something you’re giving him for free.
Ugh.

I recommend being done with him, set him free and don’t look back. You’ve created a relationship that is not a relationship and you need to walk away from this now.

Email me and let me know what happens, at least I care what happens next and will listen to you.

Best wishes,
Rob

Will FWB become her stalker?

Dear Rob,
So I met a guy in Las Vegas, again he is way older than me. We tried hanging out late in Vegas, yet the people I went with did not allow me too since I was too drunk. So basically I stood him up, I thought he was not going to talk to me, but he still did.

I found out we lived in the same state, so we hung out had a great night clubbing and a nice setion in his car, yet no kissing. Well not in my part but he was kissing me in my forehead and just staring at me. Then we decided that every Thursday would be our day. Since we are really busy people working and all, I let him know my life and my social life came first than him. He also, thought the same he has boys’ night out and all.

So every Thursday it’s a movie or just his house and it always leads to sex. But he always snuggles and hugs me and kisses me something I try not to do.

He also picks me up all the time and tries to spend as much time with me even though he has to work early in the morning the next day. Due to the fact that he is always kissing me and holding my hand he even likes to take pictures of me wit my clothe and says I look sexy.

I’m still trying to identify what I am to him or if he wants more.

Once again we talk about our daily lives work and family. We also, talk about our past yet I’m still insecure on what he wants because if he does not have any feelings towards me then why does he act like that.

Also, we only txt each other he called once that he knew I was going on a date and wanted to know what I would wear which I just ignored. So I’m not sure if he just sees me as a FWB because due to his actions I grabbed some feeling towards him. So please let me know thank you. What should I do?
Should I talk to him? Let him know how I feel?

Thank you for reading this.
Suzie

Hi Suzie,
Yes, you are getting exactly what you want, sex.

Why all the bother with him when it’s obvious that you don’t care that much for him and even hate yourself a little bit to allow yourself to be used like this.

Stop the picture taking (clothes on or off!), stop everything.

He’ll become your very own stalker, mark my words.

Give yourself some space to decide what you really want in a guy. This one is not it.

Best wishes,
Rob