Hi Rob,
I stumbled onto your site while researching controling men.

I am 20 yrs old I met this guy through another friend he took my number & we started talking having 9 hr conversations at this time we lived in two different states we talked on the phone for about 4 months and visited each other for a month.

I moved to be with him, then all of a sudden his family who lives in Jordan didn’t want us to live together without being married. This issue had never been risen until I moved. I found this to be suspicious but loved him and didn’t want to have to move back. So we got married in October.

Things go well then go bad.

I am a very strong independent woman who likes a little space and a little input on subjects. I have lived on my own for 2 years and have worked and attended college so I’ve been very self sufficient I guess you could say. He is the one who wanted me to move here now that I’m here and we are married things have changed.

I don’t work because we only have one car so he takes it everyday to go to work sometimes 14 hr shifts which leaves me in the house alone and bored. I haven’t met anyone since I have moved here so no friends no family.

I rarely go out only to the bank, and grocery shop, occasionally we will go for a drive or eat out maybe once a month. I cook for him even when he gets home from work at 4am , also wake up every morning and bring the coffee to the bed side for him, clean, laundry, iron all clothes, run his bath/shower water, massage almost EVERY night (I have yet to get a massage) greet him with a kiss when he comes home from work, and an I love every night before I fall asleep.

He is obviously from Jordan and speaks arabic I have started trying to learn arabic so I can understand him better along with learning about his religion. He seems miserable, tells me that his ex understood him more than I do, wants somebody who listens (I feel that I do listen), & that any girl would be happy to sit at home and relax (truth be it makes me miserable to sit at home).

In return I just feel like I’m being taken for granted and nothing I do is good enough and I’m pretty much not up to his standards. However he does do sweet things but I constantly feel like I don’t have a say in anything.

He’s always telling me I should do this or that or why don’t you do it like this, You know what your problem is (my personal fav. makes me want to yell every time he says it).

He doesn’t like me to really talk to my old old grade school friend who is a guy & a gay guy at that! He also tells me that if I keep listening to my mother and everyone else in my life then they are going to screw up my life. My mom feels that he is controling I don’t know sometimes I see it and sometimes I just see a sweet guy trying his best.

When I try to talk about these issues with him it’s an uphill battle he won’t acknowledge or agree with my view of what is going on in our relationship. He always tells me I look at the small stupid stuff that doesn’t matter, also tells me I’m too sensitive.

I feel that if I said half the things that he says to me it would be ten times worse than him saying it to me if that makes sense, feels like I’m supposed to sit down and take it (not in my nature).

I went crazy on him today and told him that if he wanted something different than me go get her! I feel emotionally exhausted & also like I’m losing that strong independent part of myself!

On top of all of this we are working on his citizenship papers! & we just had 3 officers barge into our home at 630am yesterday! So multiple questions come up! You think he is controlling? What should I do if he is? I don’t want to leave, I hate divorce! If he is controlling can I fix it? Finally how do I make him and myself happy?
Thanx a lot
Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
He is controlling and it’s a cultural thing as much as a personality thing.

You are right to suspect the type of relationship you’re in and would suggest couples counselling to work these issues out.

You need a third person there to help the both of you communicate better.

Your happiness within your marriage is the responsibility of both of you, not something that you need to work on by yourself.

Is it possible he’s using you for citizenship papers? Unfortunately, because of how you describe ypur married life I have suspicions.

If he won’t go to counselling then start the sessions on your own. And do your best to get a second car so that you have some independence once again.

Best wishes,
Rob

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