Advice For The Other Woman

Dear Rob,
Okay, my boyfriend was married, YES, he had been faithful for 18 years. We “swept” each other off our feet. In one month we were living together, in one more, he had doubts and eventually decided he wanted his wife back. She didn’t want him. He moved out. We never stopped dating.

It is 13 months later. His divorce is final except for the 90 day waiting period.

We get along great. He is a wonderful man. He loves me. He just can’t seem to heal from the marriage breakup. He did go to a half dozen counseling sessions. He will not make plans with me further out than a month. He will not buy me little gifts, or say really special things to me.

He says he needs time.

I can’t believe how painful this is. I have been waiting 10 months now, and I want to wait longer because I love him so much. Am I crazy?

It is so illogical to me that he can’t move on and be with someone who is great for him.

We have tried multiple times to take breaks but he always calls me and I give in after 5-7 days.
Thank you,
Sally

Hi Sally,
While it’s not illogical for him to have a hard time moving on, I think that because of his recent actions, ending his marriage (whether by choice or because the wife didn’t want a cheating husband), filing and following through on the legal aspects of divorce and ultimately maintaining contact with you he shouldn’t be so confused as to where he heart lies.

Sadly, I feel that he is rediscovering himself right now, through this “finalization period” and he doesn’t feel that you’re the person to share his new life. He’s ‘rebounding’ from the excitement of the affair to the reality of being suddenly single and giving up all he had with his wife.

The excitement of the affair has turned into a crime with consequences. And he’d jump at the chance to reconcile with his wife.

You said that you’re tried to take “breaks” but then he calls you and you agree to see him, start dating, sleeping together, again. His uncertainty of his own future is driving your future into the ground!

He is using you while he goes through this “life transition”, a warm body to share his bed with when he feels the need.

It’s time to go beyond simple little breaks, it’s time to drop him like a hot potato before you get even more burned.

If you’re so great for him, he’d see it. He doesn’t.

He gives you no tokens of love and appreciation. He doesn’t whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Exactly what are you waiting for?

You’ve paid the price and he is who you got. And based on his actions, you’re not enough to hold his attention any longer.

Dump him. Let him grow up. Maybe in a few months you can get together again. But stop being his “warm body” while he decides where he wants to be. I really feel he doesn’t want to be with you.
And you could do so much better.
Best wishes,
Rob.

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