Category Archives: Cheaters

Advice for cheaters and the men/women they’ve cheated on.

Do I Keep My Boyfriend or the Guy I Met Online?

Dear Rob,
I’m in a state of confusion whether to ‘breakup’ or end communicating with this guy. I’m 27 and he’s 26.

I met him online and we’ve been chatting for almost 6 months now.

He’s halfway round the world, obviously. We just talk things out if we’re not busy. We like each other but I guess he likes me more because he doesn’t seem to care if I have a boyfriend already ( I have a steady boyfriend for 6 years in a relationship).

I’m totally impressed with his style because for 6 months straight he remained respectful… not a typical guy you’ve met online who would go overboard, you know those stuffs. No pressure at all from him.

He used to tell me that we’re not talking ‘relationships’ but liking each other.  He said, he really doesn’t know why he likes me so much and remained communicating with me even though I shut out our communication for two months straight.

And I don’t even know what type of relationship we are in right now.

What it’s called Rob?

Of course I should not expect more out of this because I’m cheating with my boyfriend.

That’s the point.  So…

Why does this guy keeps me at bay?

He doesn’t want to end our communication. He said he’ll be around til we grow old. lol…  He said I have every right on him.. every right.  But he doesn’t want to open up his 3 year relationship with his ex. Could it be he still loves her? I’m just a cover up?

And he also told me that if I want to meet him I just have to say so. But as I see it,  no strings attached, since he’s got plans to have a girlfriend in his place.

It’s just that he doesn’t found someone special. He used to say that why we’re so far from each other.

He’s culture bound and he’s not christian.

What do you think Rob?

Hi,

I think you are cheating on the guy you’re with and looking for a reason to escape this relationship.

I’m not going to give it to you. But I think you’ll make that one up for yourself.

6 years in a relationship and still dating? Living together without a firm commitment on marriage?

Do you see why you have doubts?

You need to decide for yourself which is going to be the better relationship, the one you have now or your fantasy guy that you met online. 6 months of chatting doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

You are in a fantasy relationship with this online guy, that’s what it’s called.

When you meet someone online my rule is: “You never know someone until you can smell them”.

There are big differences between his culture and yours. Watch out. There is a lot more to this story and what you’re not telling me are the reasons why you don’t think this ‘relationship” would work. Follow your gut instinct about this, and end it.

And if you do go to visit him, yes, there are strings attached. You are becoming emotionally attached to this shadow guy, this figment of an online boyfriend. End it now.

I really think you need some single time or counselling to decide why you have allowed yourself to put yourself in this situation.

What are you looking for outside of your current relationship?

Best wishes,

Rob

Dating An Older Guy And A Cheater

Dear Rob,
My name’s Diana.

Me and my first love got back together after being apart for 4 years. He cheated on me. We got back together about 2 months ago.

He’s cheated on me again with his ex-girlfriend. He told me so many lies about him not wanting her, her not meaning anything, and all the other bullsh*t. He still tries to get back with me, saying that he loves me and that it won’t happen again.

He said that when him and her were having sex he stopped it, and told her that it was all about me. I know that has to be bullsh*t for real. What guy would stop having sex?

He told me that he told her that he loved me, blah blah blah. But, he cheated on me. He lied to me more than 15 times, telling me that nothing was going on and that he would never do me like he did in the past.

He basically did the same thing. When we first started talking I was only 14 years old. He said that he cheated because I was young and we couldn’t spend time together, and he could have went to jail.

But, why would he talk to me?? He is basically a piece of crap and I want him out of my system terribly. Yet, even though he did that to me, I’m still in love with the trick. I don’t understand why. Please give me some advice (Maybe God can speak through you!).
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
I hate to be the one to break the news but you’ve been used and used badly.
And you keep coming back for more.

Let’s look at what you told me:
– You were 14 when you started dating this guy. Obviously he’s older, maybe by more than a couple of years. He may even been a statutory rapist for all I know.
– Whenever he had the chance, when you weren’t available for what he wanted, he found a girl that he could get what he wanted from. He not only cheated on you but he cheated on these other girls too.
– He never took your relationship seriously but he does know how to manipulate you into getting what he wants.
– He knows how to lie to you, to apologize to you and to get you in a frenzy enough that you want him back no matter what he’s done.

Now let’s look at what I read between the lines:
– You’re not old enough and you’re not responsible enough to make any right choices that affect the rest of your life.
– You think that you’re following your heart but you’re only following the emotions of the moment that blind you to the reality of what’s really happening.
– You’re willing to give yourself justification by forgiving him because you think it’s right but you don’t actually see how he is manipulating you.
– You know that this is a bad relationship and you also know that your parents wouldn’t like it so you hide this from them, likely lying about what’s going on in your life.
– I’ll even bet that the majority of your friends don’t like this guy and you’ve probably even lost friends by putting this guy first.

What you need to know about guys:
Guys think logically. 2 + 2 equals 4. Red and yellow mix up to make green. Lies are allowed until caught and then you can probably talk yourself out of trouble by throwing in the words “love, forgive, it won’t happen again, it’s not a big deal, she didn’t mean anything” and such.
Guy’s can sense when they can manipulate girls. And they’ll do it as often as they can get away with it. They know that a ‘girl in love’ will forgive time and time again because the girl is such an emotional cripple around him that he can say almost anything, promise anything and get forgiveness and another opportunity.

What you need to do:
Understand that you’re not going to think logically about this. Your emotions will dictate your responses every time the guy comes around and that’s not a good thing. You’ve got to step back a minute and look at this logically. Put your emotions in check. Realize that you’re being used, being played and being kept at a disadvantage in this relationship.

You need to cut yourself off from this guy. No more contact. Hang out with friends your own age and stop being such a doormat for this guy.

Grow up, stay single and learn about yourself before you share yourself with another, any, guy. Give yourself at least the next 12 months off from dating or any serious involvements.

You wanted advice? You’ve got it.
And for goodness sakes talk to your parents about your life.
Letting crap like this happen to you then needing advice from a stranger online can’t have been your only option here. I’m glad to be able to offer you advice but you’ve got to talk this out with someone closer to you (just not him!).
Best wishes,
Rob.

I Dated A Frog

Dear Rob,
Ok here it goes.

I have known and worked with this man for 13 years.

He is married. We were friends and have this huge connection.

Over the years he has expressed feelings for me and I to him but I have made it clear that we cant be lovers until he leaves his wife.

He accepted that, but said he was afraid.

He is 51 and I am 36.

e loves women, flirts madly all the time with all women.

They seem to make him feel good about himself.

He never flirts with me. Just when we are out of the work context on a staff night out, he ignores them all and comes for me.

I kept turning him down.

This guy is a pretty straight talker and others see the cracks in his marriage, but I had a father who cheated on my mother, so find it hard to trust without evidence or actions.

Anyway, this went on and on, us acting like colleagues, then this conversation happens on nights out.

Until last year.

Last year, I accused him of ignoring me on a night out. He went berserk, said it was always his fault, would not talk to me for months.

Then we had another night out and we were ok, but out of the blue he started to run down how I looked. His eyes were black.
I asked him why he said it, when he knew I loved him and he told me to say that to him in work, once and for all, sober.

I didn’t cause he had hurt me and being honest, I don’t show emotion, I am terrified of being close to anyone and I suppose the truth was, I just pretended nothing happened.

About a week afterwards, he came into my office and made small talk, made a big attempt to look upset, then as I left he said ‘is that it then?’ After that he ignored me, shunned me etc.
We parted due to work for three months. Just beforehand I rang him to say take it ok over summer, because I love him.

He was ok but distant and sounded a little upset..but basically cold.

We met up again recently, working together, I made an effort, he was cautious which was to be expected, but generally we got on better than we have done in years.

Then during the week I got dressed up for a meeting, not sexy now, jumper and stuff, but I usually down myself and he would not look at me.

I mean, he tried to ignore me and when I forced the issue he actually turned away from me.

The next day I passed him and he looked at me, then ignored me and started chatting up this foreign girl..I mean big time.

I showed I was upset but accepted he probably has moved on.

Made no inroads on him. Now he runs away from me when he sees me.

What is going on?

The last detail is that he accused me of worrying too much what people thought the night he insulted how I looked.

The day before I dressed for meeting, he came into the lunch room, saw me, sat next to me but ran off.

So I thought he would feel awkward if I stayed so I left. After that he seemed hurt and nasty.
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
You’ve invested too much of yourself into this married man.

You tell me that you’ve been stung by a cheater because of what your dad did to your mother but you’re doing exactly what you said you don’t want to do!

Just because there hasn’t been any sex doesn’t mean you’re not cheating in your heart, in your fantasies.

Move on from him, I’d think you’d see past his little mind games and be able to maturely move on with your life.

If you were my sister I’d be writing online profiles for you to post of yourself on some online dating services.

Seriously, you need to move on from this stage of your life.

You have a big heart but refuse to love only what you deny yourself. That isn’t healthy or wise.

Please find a place in your heart to offer yourself to a better suited man in your life.
The next step is yours.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Love Is A Hurting Game

Dear Rob,
I am wondering if you can help me with the following scenario ? I am looking for a very honest answer, even if it seems “negative” Thanks for your time.

I have liked a man in my church for a year now. At first John was really keen. ( he was talking about his life plans and asking me about mine) Because I have been hurt in the past by a player extraordinaire I was giving him mixed messages ( friendly one minute/ignoring him the next) this was to protect myself.

After 6 months of us flirting/being friendly I started flirting with Leo, a guy who also liked me, John then backed off. Anyway I then went away on a mission for a few months and since coming back he has continued to be non communicative, but is friendly when I approach him ( but no longer makes any effort with me) His family were “funny” with me after I was flirting with another guy. I spoke to his brother about fancying him and saying its like he likes me but has never asked me out. His brother said that he might just have been about to ask me out but because of all my flirting he didn’t know where he stood. His brother said that he is very shy and has never had a girlfriend before even though he is 29. His brother has repeatedly told me to approach John about this relationship and get some idea about how he feels.

In the meantime the second guy Leo told John’s best friend that I really liked him (Leo) and that he had rejected me because he only likes me as a friend. I believe that this guy did this to make it look like I was “sloppy seconds” to John (who I really liked). This is really mean but lets not go there as I should not have been stringing two guys along at the same time (but I was only doing it I think to protect myself from men after being so hurt in the past, I was thinking subconsciously no-one will ask me out if they don’t know where they stand with me- but lets stop making excuses for myself, I just wanted to try and explain my crazy logic at the time).

Anyway, to cut the story short after a year of waiting for a sign, I called the brother and asked for his opinion if I should call John, he said yes definitely, he has some stuff that he wants to get off his chest. I texted John to ask him if it was convenient for me to call him ( we have never spoken on the phone before) and he rang my phone more or less straight away.

We were on the phone for about 20 minutes, he said that when I first joined the church he got the impression that I fancied him (and asked if this was true, to which I replied I did). He said that he fancied me at first then changed his mind after getting to know me. I asked if it had anything to do with the Leo situation and he completely denied any knowledge of it!

But his family were funny with me for my flirtation and the fact that they suspected I was with this other guy, I asked him why he had changed his mind about me and he said that it’s nothing terrible but he doesn’t want to say. He also said that he doesn’t want to offend me but he doesn’t want to choose a girl who is second best for him. He said that he doesn’t feel a spark for me anymore. He also asked how I view dating, he asked if I viewed it as something that leads to marriage or just recreation (he expressed that it should lead to marriage).

He also said that he is really keen to keep looking now to find “the one” but thought that he had found the perfect one in me but time indicated I wasn’t. He said that he is really looking forward to getting married. When I am in the room with him he still continues to look over in my direction, but I would say he makes a point of not talking to me. If I talk to him he’s shy/embarrassed but happy and struggles to make eye contact. People say that I have probably hurt him and he is inexperienced in love which also makes it worse.

Also I feel that the comment about not wanting to be with me because he feels he would be accepting second best is because of my “rendezvous” with the other guy (who claims to have rejected me!) then it makes me look as if I am with John because Leo has rejected me. I told John that if I were with him , even though he feels that I am not right for him, I feel he is my perfect man, and it has taken me a year to realize this, and I am sorry for messing him around.

I told him that I had pushed him away deliberately because I didn’t know whether to trust him. So, do you think a lot of our phone call he was testing the waters to see if I really did like him in the first place and to check that I do not see him as second best.

Or do you think that there is no potential for anything in the future as he said that we are incompatible and there is no spark there.

I just feel so sorry for hurting him and hope we can re-build. I told him that I was sorry for messing him around and I didn’t trust him at first but can see now how honest he is. Some of my friends say that I have truly messed things up and he wont ever get with me now but others say that he liked me so much that in time he will get over it.

Thanks,
Jessica

Hi Jessica,
I think that you are reaping the rewards of your mixed messages and being hurt before in a relationship.

There comes a time when we have to let go of the past, if only to make our future more certain. You did not, have not, done this.

I suggest a more sincere talk with John, a man of 29 years old that has not dated.
Sure, it’s fine to not date until “the one” comes along, but how would he know? Inexperience does not a man make!!

You need to have someone in your life (professionally) that will help you let go of the past. Enough of this playing games, flirting and shutting the guys down.

Seriously, date or go off the market.

Talk to a very close friend, your pastor, maybe even a counselor, that can guide you to starting a fulfilling relationship. Enough of going after/ flirting with, emotionally unavailable men so that you will not get hurt again.

Love is a hurting game.
Play it again!
You’ll love the rewards.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Do You Forgive Her When She Cheats On You?

Dear Rob,
I have been in a serious relationship with a really nice woman for the last 6 years. Our relationship has had its share of problems mainly caused due to fact that 1) have a very time demanding job; 2) she is very beautiful so men are hitting on her all the time and it makes me jealous sometimes.

She always assured me that nothing has been going on and that she really loves and wants me forever. I believed her and still do….sort of that is.

I recently found a lot of sms messages in her cell phone from another man calling her ‘baby’ and ‘I really miss you’ and stuff like that. I was shocked and when I asked her she went all furious about me invading her privacy and all that.

She admitted that she had an affair about a year ago lasting 2 months. It was serious as she told me. That guy proposed her to marry him and after seriously considering it she turned it down and broke up with him.

She said the reason was she loved me too much to do anything like that. She met him again 2 weeks ago by chance and since then he send her those sms I found.

The reason she started an affair with him back then, was because she felt mistreated by me because of my stressful job and long work hours away. This is only partially true. I do work a lot but I am doing a lot for my relationship too. To be honest I could have done more though.

Well the tricky part starts here: She says she wants to marry me and have family with me in the future, but ABOVE all she says she needs my emotional support the present time. Her father has terminal cancer. She said that she won’t accept any talks about her previous misdoings and that she wants her calmness in order to deal with this difficult situation.

She told me that I can help her but if I can’t I should just leave.

Well I REALLY love this woman but I can’t keep that affair thing out of my mind.

How could I ever leave her knowing that she needs me at this difficult time? By the way our sex life rally sucks for this last year.
Please help me Rob…. I’m really clueless and worried

Hi Clueless,
I can appreciate the situation you’re in.

You’re a really nice guy to stay with her after she cheated on you. And I can understand not being able to completely trust her anymore. Especially since she’s started talking to this guy again. She’s offered you no reasons at all to be able to trust her and yet she wants you to forgive her. She doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of her actions but she wants you to bury your pain and stay with her. Even move on to marrying her, even though you’re hurting. She has unreal expectations is what I say.

Now, with her father dealing with cancer she’s going to need a lot of emotional support. And because of the evidence of the sms messages I’m sure she’s started to get some support from her affair guy. And she’s using this family issue to bury her past, to make you forgive without her having to deal with talking about her affair to you. She’s using you. Yes, calmness is needed for her to be able to support her father in his time of need, but that is not a reason to deal with her life right now.

You both need serious relationship or pre-marriage counseling if you’re going to be able to move on towards a trusting, loving marriage. And when you ask her to join you in counseling I bet my bottom dollar that she’ll find some excuse not to. She won’t want to work on YOUR relationship with HER because she will use any reason to not have to decide between the two guys in her life. (I never believe in chance meetings between ex-lovers!) And going to counseling with you would force her to decide.

My honest opinion is for you to separate from her.
You ask how can you leave her at this time?
Well, she is using her father’s cancer and her needs to her advantage. And she’s using this because she knows that there will come a time when you’re just not going to be there for her. Your work demands will call you away and she will be able to turn to this other guy and be able to blame her cheating actions on you. Hey, she’s already blamed her past affair on you, right?

I think that because of your other obligations there will come a time when you will be unable to offer her the support she needs and at the first time she doesn’t have you there for her she’ll turn to this other guy, who is back in her life, for the support she needs. Really, he’s in the sidelines waiting to take your place and she’s already setting the stage for this to happen.

There are only two ways to go:
– Deal open and honestly with her cheating on you, the reasons for her past affair and her now continuing contact with this other guy. Have her join you in counseling to deal with her infidelities, without using the excuse of her father’s illness being a reason not to go. You both need to do this to conquer the infection that has poisoned your relationship.
– Break up with her and find yourself a personal counselor to talk with. You need professional help to deal with this cheating event in your life. And you need to be out of her life so that you can heal properly.
Best wishes,
Rob.

When Friends With Benefits Backfires

Dear Rob,
I am getting quite annoyed with myself and came across this site and hoped you may be able to offer some advice.

About four years ago I met a man the same age as me (23 at the time) and we really got on, however we were never more than friends with benefits. I was really happy with that as I could keep that part of my life separate from the other more boring parts of my life.

He then disappeared and I hadn’t heard from him for almost three years and really had moved on and hadn’t given him much thought, I guess I just assumed he had met someone he was serious about.

About four months ago he got back in touch and things have returned to the way things were before only now he is meeting my friends and family. Before he only came to see me on an evening now he calls when I have people there too.

My son has met him and although he thinks of him as just mom’s friend he is becoming close to him.

Now here’s the problem:
The more I see of him and the more my friends and family accept him the more I am starting to feel for him. That’s why I am annoyed with myself it was never supposed to go this way.

I haven’t told him this and I won’t even if that’s what you advise me to do as I don’t want to risk the friendship. I know he cares about me and wouldn’t want to hurt me but I just don’t think he would want anything more serious as I am an overweight single mum and he is attractive and can probably have any stick thin thing he wants. I don’t know what advice you could give me but needed to say it all somewhere without risking people thinking I am weak or judging me, I didn’t want to end up feeling like this and originally I thought the set up was great. Anyway what do you think.
Anon

Hi Anon,
You’ve fallen into several traps here:

You’ve tried to separate sex from your feelings, which never works out;

You’ve mixed “Friends with Benefits” sex with family and now not only will you get hurt but your son as well;

You don’t think much of yourself, seriously, you’re self-conscious and not happy with the person you are;

And reality has entered the relationship and you know his interest in you is only sex just as it was for you. Or you’re reading this development all wrong and are to scared to admit to yourself about using him and hoping for more. You can’t give yourself the forgiveness you really need to expand on this possible relationship as it progresses.

Having a relationship based on sex is not being honest with yourself or does it show that you respect yourself. This type of behavior has to end now!

Having a “Friends with Benefits” relationship is always a losing situation for the woman, as you admit.

Here you were, screwing around with him, and he just disappears. He found something better and moved on. You kept to yourself and when he re-appeared you opened your bed to him again.

Is this how you want your son to view women? As objects for pleasure, not to be loved and appreciated?

First off, end this relationship. You’re not going to get what you want from him and you’re going to hurt a lot more if you let this continue. Unless he puts a ring on your finger, give him the boot. Even his meeting your family and becoming friends with your son are dangerous signs that he wants what you can’t give him. Or what you can’t trust him with. Or that you want less than he’s offering because you can’t believe that there is more to sex than casual non-committal hook ups.

Then I want you to start counseling. Find out why your self-esteem and self-respect is at such a low point.

And if you’re not working, get a job and/or go back to school. Start walking a little every day, get some exercise. Improve your life so you aren’t reliant on others. Show your son that life is worth living, not letting it pass you by. That you don’t need to be used any longer, you have value as a person.

“Friends with Benefits” relationships are deceiving people left and right. These “friends” that hook up believe that they can separate sex from emotion. That there is no commitment required, there will be no regrets, and that sex is just an amusement between two people that happen to be together at the moment.

But if you dig a little deeper, wasn’t there some basis for the initial attraction? Did the hook up happen only as if you had purchased a ticket on an amusement park ride? Did you not feel some comfort in the afterglow of the sex act then refuse to admit to yourself that you actually are a person capable of having feelings?

When this type of disorganized thinking is revealed to not be the real intention of getting together how does the relationship move on? How can you get over the feelings of being used for your body parts and find a way to move beyond the “Friends with Benefits” beginning and into a real loving relationship?

Almost universally there is a breakup (or ending of the FWB rules), further repeated hook ups resulting in hurt emotions and bewilderment as you try to figure out how life went so terribly wrong.

End the FWB relationship as soon as possible. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your “friend” and get to the root of your relationship needs. Love and companionship isn’t rooted in sex, sex comes after love and commitment has been proven.

And if the relationship is not to progress beyond convenient hook ups, it’s time to re-examine your self-worth and find yourself a true love to share yourself with, even if this means working on yourself while staying single and celibate for a while.
Best wishes,
Rob.

My Friend Is A Cheater

Dear Rob,
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding.

At the same time she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiancé.
They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for Christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package.

She says that she loves this guy dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with her fiancé while she is also in love with this other guy. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can’t stop “When I’m with this guy I just can’t tell him no”.

What is a best friend to do? I can’t tell her anything, she won’t hear it. I tried to tell her that I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, that I can’t sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man.

But after telling her that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She says I’m judging her and abandoning her and that I’m just a fair-weather friend.
I don’t know what else to do. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?
– ExBestFriend

Hi ExBestFriend,
You really have an honest definition of friendship, don’t you?
You have tried to talk to your friend, your “Maid of Honor” about her cheating ways, to no avail.
You have stood by her while she cheats on her fiancé with another man that she says she also loves too much to give up.
You’ve done your best, much more than any friend I would ever suggest to get involved into.

When your best friend loses their way it’s a friends duty to suggest corrections to their behavior.
When your best friend starts to cheat in their romances and you’re aware of it, it’s time to lay down the laws of your friendship, tell your best friend to make the necessary changes to their life or lose your friendship.
She has put you in an impossible position. No doubt when her life crashes around her and she loses one or both of the men in her life she will come crying to you for consolation.
This is no longer your place.
You must end your friendship and let her ruin her own life without dragging you into her sordid mess of a life.

You are judging her. You are not abandoning her.
You are forcing her to look at the the choices she’s made and the lies she’s continuing to live with.
You are forcing her to make a choice if not between the two men in her life, at least to choose between your honest and open friendship and the lies she has surrounded herself with.
You are not a fair-weather friend, she’s placing her own selfish interests ahead of everyone else in her life.

Good for you for calling attention to the value of your friendship with her.
Stand by your convictions, your beliefs, your honesty.
Let her self-destruct without you.
Don’t help her to continue this lie.
Let this cheating trailer-trash have both her men and the failed life she is soon to encounter.

You help me to believe that there are still honest friends out there in this big bad, sad world of ours. True friends offer help, support and caring to others that need it. True friends don’t fight loosing battles for friendship when they know that the trouble lays with the choices the other has made and does not want to correct.

You will find another close friend that shares your attitudes about life, high standards and valued caring for those around you.
I wish you well,
Rob.

Cheating On You With His Ex

Hi Rob,
I understand that you have a lot of emails to answer and this is long but my situation is lets just say ‘complex’.

I normally wouldn’t ask a man for advice on this because most likely from experience his answer would have to do with me being hit on and him trying to get lucky but since you’re miles away and its via email the chances of that happening are zilch.

I’ve known my boyfriend for 4 years – we’ve been intimate for 3 of them. As of February of this year I found out he was cheating on me with his off and on ex of 3 years. He didn’t tell her about me either. I was very annoyed and hurt and he blamed it on the fact that we were not seeing each other as much because of my having to attend classes more often. I work at a tertiary institution at a desk job and I am pursuing an accounting and IT qualification part-time and I think this has him insecure. We went from seeing each other almost everyday per week to about 2X per week – but this was just when exams were closer. Throughout the relationship he kept asking me if I was seeing or interested in anyone else. Of course I wasn’t and I explained to him that we live different lifestyles at this point in time and it may be hard to understand but I was not cheating on him. I did tell him that he was responsible for what happened and that he had some deep insecurity issues to work out.

My boyfriend

My boyfriend is into transport. He didn’t do too well in school and was most interested in the ‘in crowd’ during his younger years. He worked at the bank for 3 years and then decided to take over his dads occupation in transport. Where I’m from his job can make good as a self employed taxi driver and he may not be the academic but he has very good ideas and potential. The occupation doesn’t have much prestige but I didn’t really care. My mother wasn’t too pleased with me being with him because of his occupation and to an extent she still isn’t – I guess she’s just gotten ‘used’ to it. I’m not one to judge people either and I welcome company from anyone once its sincere and we think alike. In the past year or so he has run into financial difficulty. It mainly has to do with the bus and the fact that he is the main breadwinner for his family – his parents and two siblings who are grown adults. He has had this responsibility since he was 24. Now he’s always stressed or depressed sometimes. The other day he said he felt so down he hadn’t looked at himself in the mirror because he was not proud of himself. I was physically attracted after meeting him a few times but I liked his mind more.

The incidents
When I caught him his ex was in the living room watching tv with his friends. I didn’t really see her but he heard me open the gate and then rushed outside and pulled me outside and said ‘I have to tell you something’. Well I was just blown over. He said that they had become ‘intimate’ in my absence and that basically it was just sex and it only happened once in a blue moon – not that I did believe him. He said he wouldn’t see her again (liar) and another night I went up there and there she was sitting next to him and he had the most guilty look in his face. He pulled both of us aside to talk to us straight, took 5 minutes to say anything and I just left. She left too but she went inside….from the street I could see the both of them talking ..she didn’t seem too pissed.

The ex
She is older than him – he is 28 and she is 32, I’m 26 and she was his riff raff cousin’s girlfriend at one time. He cheated on her very badly – so he told me- and she left him after a very long time. She works at a pharmacy as a counter clerk, is overweight and not very much educated in anything – academics, trade or otherwise. She also seems very petty. For the months that he was with her and she knew nothing about me she left nothing behind at his apartment. I’ve found it funny that shortly after she learnt of me she’s been playing ‘games’. About 2 months ago she left a football with her name on it at his apartment – in his bedroom. I didn’t say anything at this point because I wanted to show him that I didn’t really care however I found this amusing. Then about 2 weeks afterwards she left a pair of blue slippers behind a sheet of mirror in his room. Don’t mean to sound shallow but lets just say that you wouldn’t ever find that in the $5 store – I definitely would not wear that. Not just the quality but it was ugly – I mean there is nice footwear that you can get for a good price – just check Payless Shoes at least. THAT second item I brought to his attention. I expressed to him that while I found this petty and pathetic it is a sign that she is intimidated by me. I also said that we are dating, not living together or married and she needs to just lighten up – though I’d prefer that she’d just disappear. I also laughed and said I was flattered. My fear was however that I also took it as passive aggression and since I don’t know her personality I’m not too sure if she’s violent or dangerous in any manner. He said how she left it there and he only saw it after she left. He also said that he didn’t want anything to happen to me and he would not let it get to that point. I told him that I don’t want any of her things there left in that manner. It was then I probed him and asked ‘where does she work.. what does she do’. I figured pretty much she worked minimum wage because of her choice of slippers, her hair was always in a mess and she just didn’t look ‘polished’. He said that she’s into pharmaceuticals but from then I knew she worked in a pharmacy. She left two other items there – a can opener and a pen with the name of two pharmaceuticals on them that I knew for a fact were distributed by two different agents. Yes I did do some sleuthing. Even after that I would refer to her ‘pharmacy girl’ a few times and he never denied it. I’ve stopped doing that though – just thought doing it too much made me look immature but I was getting my point across. He then admitted that I had forgotten a pair of underwear there (lets just say that my underwear is quite ‘unique’). It was there so long that even I forgot about it (but it was long before she came in the picture) and he said he liked it and kept it. Well she found it and she was most upset. He then broke it down to her that she knows how the situation is. He didn’t say that she had it. He said that he would not let her things stay there and for weeks after I didn’t notice anything of hers there. On Sunday I was there and yes you guessed it – she left another pair of cheap slippers.
I asked then if she kept my underwear and he said ‘uh huh’. I asked what did she do with it and he didn’t answer. So feeling mischievous I went there the night before to get down to the underwear thing because for the whole day I was calling him and only getting his voice messaging. I am just not comfortable with the idea either. I knew she would be there and I was right. It was at night and I called out to her at the door as it was open (didn’t say her name) and calmly asked her if he was home. She said that he wasn’t. She came to the door in a towel only (a most disgusting sight ugh and I told him so afterwards) which I found rather repulsive and classless. I said ‘ok’ and as she was continuing about her business I called out to her again and asked her if she had my underwear. She said ‘oh so you were the person.. no I don’t you’ll have to take that up with him’ (what a weak pretense because he told me she had a fit when she saw it and she knew who I was) and I said ‘really? he said that you had it’. Then she said ‘no you’ll have to take it up with him’. I said ‘ok I will but keep this in mind ..if I ask him again and he doesn’t have it I’ll ensure that I take it up with whoever has it and its not going to be pleasant.’ She said ‘ok’ and walked off’. I did this because she apparently didn’t know me well enough and thought that she could just disrespect me through him because apparently he has a problem setting boundaries with her. My issue is not so much her leaving her things. Its the intent. I realised that she was passive aggressive. I also had to let her know who she was up against.

Questions
How could he be with her? She not physically attractive – sagging breasts, big stomach and just untoned all over (5’5 150 lbs?) – I take care of myself – she doesn’t know how to dress, not pretty much intelligent because of her playing petty games and has no decorum – speaking to someone in a towel at the door? She’s over 30 and still working at a pharmacy, owns no home or vehicle and just doesn’t seem to have a future. And if its about sex that’s stupid because we do everything. She seems a bit pushy and controlling. I once went through his mobile messages (don’t worry he goes through mine too but he didn’t know I went through his) and she left a very terse message ‘answer your phone’. I’ve never treated him badly, given him massages and everything. In fact I really loved my boyfriend and still do – I admit it. I’ve tried to build his confidence over the years and have helped him out and stayed through thick and thin. How could he even think that I was cheating?
If he’s with her why does he care about me wearing shorts at night or staying out too late, or about me moving to another apartment and finding a man there when he visits (he’s been stressing on that frequently).
Why tell me you want me in your life, don’t want to hurt me, don’t want to lose me and that he holds me on a high pedestal?
Why did he feel hurt when we broke up over this situation before?
Why is he worrying that if I leave him I’ll end up with some idiot (as if he isn’t) because he thinks I have a sweet personality?
Why is he so insecure and why cant he believe that not all women care about money and things or that I would leave him for a man with these things?
Is there ever hope for cheaters (my aunt from personal experience and 36 years of marriage says once one always one).
Why sleep with your cousin’s ex?
Does he see her as a mother figure or is he suffering from the madonna – whore syndrome?

People ask why I don’t leave. I don’t leave because I’m just fed up of men- the games and the trials. I don’t know one man who isn’t a cheater… even an older man of 50 or so (who was pretending to be a father figure type friend and who is married) who told me my bf ex was older than him (without seeing her…he has experience) just from what I told him about my boyfriend was trying to get between my legs – he is not even the least bit attractive. I’ve been sexually exploited most of my life by the male species and to me it makes no sense leaving him now to end up with something worse or the same. People say ‘you attract what you put out’. I disagree. I have shouted at men to stay away from me. I don’t dress provocatively – well most men say I have sex appeal and all his friends did find me attractive. I never smile at a man – but I did smile at my boyfriend…he made me laugh. These men come after me I don’t go after them. I state my case plain and upfront…many times I say ‘I’m not interested in you and never will be’ and they pretend to be your friend hoping that it will be something else which gets me very annoyed until one day I let them have it and then they call me a bitch. You avoid them tell them to stay away and they still show up. Only if I threaten to go to the police then I’m left alone. And if I go to the police they hit on me too. I’ve only dated 3 men in this life because I was just afraid of men. They were just jerks. Just this morning some idiot was telling me in my ear over and over ‘about how good I looked in a pair of pants..’ from behind and when I said ‘do not talk to me’ he got most upset. Like I’m supposed to thank him for undressing me with his eyes and not keeping quiet about it. Sheesh.
Even after I turn down these idiots I eventually find out that they’re married, engaged, in LTRs, sleep with prostitutes or were just interested in sex only for points.
Now this. Right now this situation is a competition and I am not going to lose to that woman. Yes I have an ego.

Please explain what is going on because I don’t understand men or the situation at all.
Thanks, A.

Hi A,
Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you: You’ve been played and played well.
Have you heard the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?
Well, this guy that you’re trying to hold to to so much is just that. A cheater. He always will be, no matter what happens in his life.
I’d hate to see you make this commitment to him, trying to get him all to yourself when it just isn’t possible. He won’t change, no matter what you do. No matter what he says to you.

Questions
How could he be with her? She not physically attractive – sagging breasts, big stomach and just untoned all over (5’5 150 lbs?) – I take care of myself – she doesn’t know how to dress, not pretty much intelligent because of her playing petty games and has no decorum – speaking to someone in a towel at the door? She’s over 30 and still working at a pharmacy, owns no home or vehicle and just doesn’t seem to have a future. And if its about sex that’s stupid because we do everything. She seems a bit pushy and controlling. I once went through his mobile messages (don’t worry he goes through mine too but he didn’t know I went through his) and she left a very terse message ‘answer your phone’. I’ve never treated him badly, given him massages and everything. In fact I really loved my boyfriend and still do – I admit it. I’ve tried to build his confidence over the years and have helped him out and stayed through thick and thin. How could he even think that I was cheating?

He’s playing you, straight and simple. He feels more comfortable with her and that’s why she’s in his life.

If he’s with her why does he care about me wearing shorts at night or staying out too late, or about me moving to another apartment and finding a man there when he visits (he’s been stressing on that frequently).

He’s trying to own you, control you. That’s his real goal here. Force you to live your life according to his rules, but the same rules don’t apply to himself.

Why tell me you want me in your life, don’t want to hurt me, don’t want to lose me and that he holds me on a high pedestal?

Again, it’s his control over you that gives him satisfaction.

Why did he feel hurt when we broke up over this situation before?

Because he was losing the control he had over you.

Why is he worrying that if I leave him I’ll end up with some idiot (as if he isn’t) because he thinks I have a sweet personality?

To force you to think down to his level, scare you into believing that he is the best for you, when he knows it isn’t true.

Why is he so insecure and why cant he believe that not all women care about money and things or that I would leave him for a man with these things?

Because that is how he sees life. You’re his ticket out, but he doesn’t want to give up his own lifestyle of getting everything he wants.

Is there ever hope for cheaters (my aunt from personal experience and 36 years of marriage says once one always one).

No, he will always stray, wander, fool around. His rules apply only to him. He will accuse you of playing around only to avoid his own infidelities.

Why sleep with your cousin’s ex?

Availability. He’d sleep with anyone, any time, anywhere, as long as he can get away with it. Even ‘coming clean’ to you re-inforces the fact that he can cheat on you, apologize when found out, be forgiven, and do it again and again.

Does he see her as a mother figure or is he suffering from the madonna – whore syndrome?

He’s not suffering, he has no conscience as far as his own actions go.
There is no competition for this guy and the girl he’s messing around with. The rules don’t apply to everyone equally, they are stacked against you.

Move on, forget him.

Have a party and burn everything he ever gave you. Demand everything you gave him, take him to court if need be.
Move on.
Live life.
Don’t be too fast to get into another relationship, get single for a while and sort out your life before you get so morally confused that you lose touch with your own values and become the very person he’s trying to turn you into: a fast F–k whenever he wants, a “friend with benefits” and nothing else.

I hope that this helps you to make the next, right step, in your life.
Best wishes,
Rob.