AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
There are three men of interest.
Guy #1, is a workmate who I sporadically interact with due to work. He used to draw attention to himself by talking loudly or being animated. We would talk mainly about work related stuff and sometimes joke around. He now, ignores me to such an extreme. He pretends he doesn’t see me though our paths cross.

Guy #2, is a friend who has admitted to others that he finds me attractive. He has dated two of my friends in the past who he has also told that he had liked me. He and I are friends that hang out on occasion and just have a good time. It has never progressed to anything more…for two reasons, I don’t feel an attraction for him and he’s dated two of my friends. He, also, has gone out of his way to ignore me to the point of being rude. He has never actually asked me out; thus, I never had to turn him down. When he’s in a bad mood he’ll ignore me even after I greet him and we make eye contact.

Guy#3, He has hinted at having an attraction for me and has hinted at going to dinner; however, never quite asking. He was doing an athletic event and asked if I could come along to help out. I, of course, agreed. After the event, he kissed me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. After dinner we parted with another kiss. We met up in the evening again for part two of the event, another kiss. The next couple of days were very nice with lots of compliments and attention. Then one day, it stopped. Now, he is acting very odd, as though I make him uncomfortable. He ignores me even when it is obvious he sees me but we train together twice a week and on these days he is flirts with me and puts his hands around my waist.

Sorry for it being so long….what I want to know is what is with the ignoring? Is it something I am doing?
Martha

Hi Martha,
I’m going to start my reply by assuming a couple of things:
I think you’re a great looking girl, probably a 9 or a 10 in the looks department.
I bet you don’t have many successful dates because you don’t put up with insincerity, immaturity and general childishness in guys.
You are turned off by the wussy-type guy that tries too hard to please you, tries too hard to be funny…. the idiotic things that some guys to to get a girl’s interest.
I also bet that you wait for the guy to make the first move on you, asking for dates, suggesting things to do, etc., and half the time you’re too busy with other things to accept the date ideas or take them to heart. You unintentionally shoot the guy own.

If you have the power to intimidate guys, through your good looks or bright attitude, they will pull shy after feeling shot down and start playing the ignore game after just the briefest of encounters.
These wimpy guys are centered on ownership. They want to control and own you and when you can show them that you are your own person they run scared because they don’t know how to deal with a successful, good looking, assertive woman.
They are children dating in an MTV world, not able to work through their feelings or interactions in real life when what they do doesn’t resemble a stupid TV show. These guys haven’t learned the slightest clues about dating and being a man around a woman.

Now then:
Guy #1
This is a guy that practices comedy to attract women and closes up shop when he doesn’t get the responses he wants. He’s a fool. He wants to control but will not break out of the mold of self-importance to accept the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings too, that others sometimes don’t think of him being so important. This is why he now ignores you.
The next time he walks by you say to him “You were funnier when you could talk to me”. And let him fumble his response.
Likely he’ll think of you a bitch, but at least then he’s making a stand for his feelings of you. And you’ll get some closure from this jerk.

Guy #2
He has dated your friends only to get closer to you and try to date you. Now he knows that you’re in a league far above him and he’s playing the hurt puppy knowing that he’ll never have you.
I’d point-blank ask him if he knows of any single guys that might want to date you. His response will confirm what I’ve told you.

Guy #3
He’s too scared to fail with you, so he’s decided not to get his feelings hurt by your possible rejection. Likely you’ve confided in him about the other losers you’ve dated and he saw himself in what you said.

He may be a wuss that doesn’t know how to communicate with women other than trying to buy their friendship and acceptance. This type of guy is deep into the “ownership of commitment” and I’d steer clear of him no matter what. Until he realizes that men and women like the same things, have the same needs and goals in life, he’ll always think that he comes first to the point of trying to control everyone else’s actions in his circle of friends.
I’ll bet that any relationship he’s had in the past ended badly because of his insecure needs and controlling attitudes.

You can verify this by doing a little research and talking to any of his exgirlfriends.
The next time that he flirts with you and puts his hands on your waist, put your hands on his. Pull his hands away and tell him that touching is not permitted.
One of two things will happen next:
He won’t blush or apologize, he’ll get upset is my bet. If he does that he wants to own you and he’ll start by making you apologize for his familiarity in touching you.
If he does blush and apologize, he’s just a scared little boy that doesn’t know how to get past the first date and if you’ve managed to talk to any exgirlfriends I bet that you’ll find out that he moved too fast, held on too tightly and broke up very badly.

He maybe a “clinger” that just wants romance that he can manipulate on his terms only.
Best wishes,
Rob

Hi Rob,
I can’t tell my family and friends about my problem so I decided to email you.

Let me start by describing myself. I am 28 years old and very successful in my career as manager in a multi-national company. People say I look more than ok and have a number of admirers and followers.

My problem is with my boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to know the concept of responsibility. We’ve been together for almost 6 months now and ours is like a whirlwind romance. I didn’t get to know him first before we became an item.

You see, my problem is like this. I feel as if I’m his sugar mommy. Whenever we go out, we normally split the bill. I really do not have any problem with that except that its not a 50-50 split. Its more like me paying 75% or more of the bill. And we go out every night… we always eat dinner together…. and not just eat anywhere… we usually eat in expensive restaurants. I also share with the gasoline expenses. The funny thing is both of us have cars but I frequently gas up his car more than mine, sometimes 2-3 times a week full tank. He’s into sales so he uses his car everyday to get around and he can reimburse this with his company, yet he asks me to pay for half of the expense every time. Yes, it’s his car we use when we go out but the places we normally go to is just within the vicinity and would not consume that much gasoline. Not only that, he also expects me to split the bills when he buys personal stuff like shirts (not just any shirt but the expensive kind), monthly medications worth 2k+, shaving cream etc.

We both have good paying jobs but he always complains that he has no more money left. He’s an only child and has no obligations at home. He gets to keep all his earnings to himself yet he’s always broke. He is an impulsive buyer, he loves branded and very expensive clothes, shoes and accessories. I, on the other hand, am earning more than him but I have many obligations at home. I am the breadwinner in the family. I am currently maintaining 2 houses, our house in the province and our apartment here in Manila, by which I take care of all the monthly utility bills, food, rental etc. I am also sending my 2 brothers to school in reputable colleges in Manila. I am also paying a monthly amortization (roughly 30k) for the condo I bought.

With our situation now, I’m having difficulty balancing my finances. I tell him in passing that I’m having difficulty with my cash position but he’s so insensitive, he still expect me to share in ALL the expenses.

I am not very good with confrontations that is why I tolerate the situation. I do not know what to do anymore, ever since I met him I don’t get to set aside any personal savings anymore. In fact, I use up the savings I was able to set aside in the past years as my current earnings are not enough anymore to sustain me, my family and HIM.

I don’t have the heart to ask my family and friends for advice because I don’t want them to get angry at him. I love him but sometimes I couldn’t take it anymore. I can only take so much. I know he loves me too but sometimes I doubt the reason why he wants to see me everyday…. so he’ll have somebody to share with the expenses? I know sooner or later I need to talk to him… but HOW? What will I say? He’s very good at twisting things, I’m afraid he’ll make it look like it was my fault in the very first place.

I know he has these flaws yet I myself can’t explain why I stick with him. It’s not a matter of being afraid to find another guy because like I said I’m not hard on the eye and there are a lot of guys waiting on the side.

Sometimes I just think I’ll tolerate it until such time I leave for Australia. You see, I have a pending application for Australia and he doesn’t want me to leave. I want to migrate because I feel I can support my family better if I go there. I’ve been processing my papers without his knowledge, and I’m expecting my visa to be released before the year ends. I know its a cowards way out but I am desperate. Please help.

Thanks so much in advance, Troubled Heart

Hi Troubled Heart,
It’s time for you to make some changes to your life because, obviously, how you are being treated by your boyfriend isn’t working.

From what you’ve told me, he’s using you for your money.
He gets all the benefits of your relationship:
- His bills are paid
- He can spend his money on whatever he wants
- He gets gifts from you whenever he wants to get something new
- He can tell himself that he’s being fair to you by contributing his small amounts to pay large bills that you pay

In your position it’s time to end this behavior and if need be, end the relationship.

Save your receipts and write down what you’ve paid and what he’s paid.
Pull out your credit card statements and mark down what you’ve purchased for him.
Have a sit down talk with him about how much you’re spending, the financial pressure he’s putting on you, and that this (your paying the majority of shared bills and spending money on him) has to end.
If he doesn’t promise to start paying back the gas money and clothes money that you’ve spent on him…. it’s time to end the relationship.

I hate to say it, but financial behavior like this is a one way street, he gets what he wants and you are left to deal with the consequences. Whether money, possessions, or simply ignorant behavior, you have to put an end to being the “sugar mommy” and the “victim” of his selfishness. If that means ending the relationship, then do it.
Money and finances are one of the cornerstones of any enduring relationship. Often one partner will earn much more than the other so bill payments aren’t shared equally. This does not mean that both partners don’t share the same financial responsibilities for expenses in the relationship. What it does mean is that you need to be upfront about each others financial responsibilities and needs. Who pays for what and when. How money is saved as well as how expenses are shared. And this should be put in writing before cohabitating.

As far as your coming opportunity in Australia, don’t just slink away to another place, what if he decides to follow you? You’ll never be rid of him and his ‘me first’ money demands.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
Hi, my name is Dave, and I really need your help on this one.
There is this girl that I like. And she probably likes me too. It was because of her looking at me all the time that I start liking her. I’m really getting tired of sitting next to her in fifth hour, knowing she likes me, and not being able to even look at her cause I get so nervous.
She is very shy too. She’s super quiet around me. And I find it hard to show her I like her. I’ve seen many of the body signals that a shy girl might do. Like in 2nd hour I can see her looking at me from across the room smiling (like every minute or so.) I really try hard to look back and stare but I can’t (too shy). Then once 5th hour rolls around, all we do is sit there very quietly with each other (it’s so obvious we like each other).
I really don’t want to regret not telling her I like her, when I know she like me. And she seems so nervous around me. She can’t stop shaking her legs, and she moves her hands a lot. But yet if I were drawing in my notebook, she’d somehow notice it, but it would be on the far side of my desk? Yes I can tell that she watches me when I’m not looking, and I do the same.

Now I can’t say that she is outgoing, but she is the Junior captain of the girl basketball team. And I really find it hard to believe that this might be the girl I finally hook up with. I don’t want to regret liking her and the relationship never happening. Please tell me what a 16 year old can do in a time like this.

But one thing I did notice is that, I can act like I like a girl that I don’t and feel comfortable. But when it comes down to a girl I like, I go shy.

Please help me!!!!!
Dave

Hi Dave,
I do understand what you mean, being able to talk to the girls in your group, being comfortable with them but not being able to talk to the girl you’re really attracted that isn’t a part of your group.

Some guys call this a “fear of women”, or a “fear of rejection”. Actually it’s more deep than that. It’s an instinctive response by the male trying to remain protected, not put himself at risk or danger of being hurt when attracting a female. It’s totally normal. The sweating, the fear, the loss of words and sudden lack of self-confidence. Every guy goes through this. Really.

If you’re not the “leader of the pack” as some would say, then you’re trying to keep yourself protected and in a safe place. When you are the leader you always have defenses (read: friends) to fall back on that will offer you support when you are threatened (read: putting yourself at risk) by allowing yourself to be in contact with the girl of interest.

Some guys get a friend (read: wingman) to offset the situation by having their friend deal with the girls other friends that are present and supply cover or an excuse to either talk to her or end the conversation when talk isn’t working out.

The one fact that is missing when you are a teenager is that this is normal, it’s a part of life and whether you win (read: talk to her) or lose (read: bail out and never talk to her), another opportunity is around the corner, or a flip of the calendar’s page.

The other fact that no one will tell you is that the girl is just as scared as you are. Seriously.

I remember being your age and having the same fear. Did I conquer it? Sure. As I grew older I outgrew it.

Did I conquer the fear at the time I first felt this fear? No. I saw the girl, the object of my future happiness, several times, a few times when it was just the two of us and no other friends around.

After seeing her about a dozen times I finally just asked her where she worked (we were both teens but I knew she had a job and at that time we were both waiting for the same bus), I asked her questions about her job and tried to get her to do most of the talking. This is a conversational skill that every guy needs to know, how to create conversation by letting the girl talk and asking questions that keep her talking. After I saw her at work a couple of times, making sure to say “Hi” and chat a bit, I got her number and called her up. We went bowling, which is a great teen date and started dating seriously after that.

So, what you want to do is use what you have in common with her, in your case you take the same classes. She’s already noticed you and is more shy that you are (really!), so ask her to go after school today (yes, this afternoon) and study for a test with you. Or help on a project that you have due. Something that involves both of you, in a safe, public place, without your friends hanging around screaming out being jerks in the background.

Never, ever ask a girl to “Go out sometime”, it’s a deal killer. If you’re going to ask a girl to meet you, have a plan. You’re a loser if you put it like this “Hi, do you want to go out sometime?” Do you see what’s wrong with asking her out like that? You’re trying to play it safe. If she says no you’re not too much hurt because it was just “sometime”. And by adding the “sometime” you were actually saying “Hi, I like you and I hope that you like me but you probably think I’m a dork, but anyways, I want to go out with you, if you’ll let me, but I want you to decide what to do because if I had an idea of what a girl wouldn’t reject me over I wouldn’t be so scared right now”.

And then she says “No”.
And she said no because you didn’t have a plan.

So, buck up, lose the fear of her saying no to you and ask her out doing something that the both of you have in common. Homework in the library is a good start. Or something along those lines. Just make sure you complete the deal by having a time and a place for this to happen.

When she says yes, tell her where you’ll meet, what you’ll be doing and until when. Maybe get her email too at this time, so you can chat later with her.

And if she says no, just smile and say “Maybe we can do this another time?” and watch for her reply. She’ll use body language to project her answer before she says anything. Watch for the good body language, whether she is standing or sitting:
She touches your arm;
She smiles and looks down, to the right;
She stutters and straightens her back, as if to stand taller;
She makes eye contact but only until she talks to you then she looks away;
She looks over to her friends for help or support.
When something like that happens you’re good for another attempt. Maybe she just had something already planned. She’s not shooting you down, she’s just going to wait for another flyby.
If you see the bad body language:
She steps back;
She doesn’t smile and looks down and to her left;
She stays hunched but makes eye contact and keeps looking at you as she talks;
She looks towards the door or any way of exit from you.
Those are negative body language signals and it’s best to leave your planning to another time, another place. It’s not the end, but she just isn’t interested at that time.

Now then, to sum up:
Recognize that the feeling of fear is normal;
Know that she is as nervous as you are;
You’ve got to ask her out to really know her answer;
You’ve got to have a plan ready for when she says yes;
If she says no she may just have other plans at that time and you can try again in a few days;

And most important of all, understand that guys get rejected by women all the time. Otherwise there’d be no such thing as “dating” it would be “Hi, welcome to our marriage”.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
Ok here it goes.

I have known and worked with this man for 13 years.

He is married. We were friends and have this huge connection.

Over the years he has expressed feelings for me and I to him but I have made it clear that we cant be lovers until he leaves his wife.

He accepted that, but said he was afraid.

He is 51 and I am 36.

e loves women, flirts madly all the time with all women.

They seem to make him feel good about himself.

He never flirts with me. Just when we are out of the work context on a staff night out, he ignores them all and comes for me.

I kept turning him down.

This guy is a pretty straight talker and others see the cracks in his marriage, but I had a father who cheated on my mother, so find it hard to trust without evidence or actions.

Anyway, this went on and on, us acting like colleagues, then this conversation happens on nights out.

Until last year.

Last year, I accused him of ignoring me on a night out. He went berserk, said it was always his fault, would not talk to me for months.

Then we had another night out and we were ok, but out of the blue he started to run down how I looked. His eyes were black.
I asked him why he said it, when he knew I loved him and he told me to say that to him in work, once and for all, sober.

I didn’t cause he had hurt me and being honest, I don’t show emotion, I am terrified of being close to anyone and I suppose the truth was, I just pretended nothing happened.

About a week afterwards, he came into my office and made small talk, made a big attempt to look upset, then as I left he said ‘is that it then?’ After that he ignored me, shunned me etc.
We parted due to work for three months. Just beforehand I rang him to say take it ok over summer, because I love him.

He was ok but distant and sounded a little upset..but basically cold.

We met up again recently, working together, I made an effort, he was cautious which was to be expected, but generally we got on better than we have done in years.

Then during the week I got dressed up for a meeting, not sexy now, jumper and stuff, but I usually down myself and he would not look at me.

I mean, he tried to ignore me and when I forced the issue he actually turned away from me.

The next day I passed him and he looked at me, then ignored me and started chatting up this foreign girl..I mean big time.

I showed I was upset but accepted he probably has moved on.

Made no inroads on him. Now he runs away from me when he sees me.

What is going on?

The last detail is that he accused me of worrying too much what people thought the night he insulted how I looked.

The day before I dressed for meeting, he came into the lunch room, saw me, sat next to me but ran off.

So I thought he would feel awkward if I stayed so I left. After that he seemed hurt and nasty.
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
You’ve invested too much of yourself into this married man.

You tell me that you’ve been stung by a cheater because of what your dad did to your mother but you’re doing exactly what you said you don’t want to do!

Just because there hasn’t been any sex doesn’t mean you’re not cheating in your heart, in your fantasies.

Move on from him, I’d think you’d see past his little mind games and be able to maturely move on with your life.

If you were my sister I’d be writing online profiles for you to post of yourself on some online dating services.

Seriously, you need to move on from this stage of your life.

You have a big heart but refuse to love only what you deny yourself. That isn’t healthy or wise.

Please find a place in your heart to offer yourself to a better suited man in your life.
The next step is yours.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I’m in a slightly unfamiliar situation. Maybe, out of the kindness of your seemingly bored, stranger-helping heart, you could give me some advice.

First off, after reading several of your past entries/responses (which I enjoyed quite immensely, by the way), I am already anticipating your advice, which will most likely be to drop any further attempts at some sort of relationship-like bond with this guy beyond simple (ha!) platonic friendship. So I implore you also to give me an alternate set of advice in which I do pursue such… relations.

All pointless information aside, I am a 16 year old girl (for accuracy’s sake, I’m 17 in a month) who is well, having problems with a guy.

Oh god, the dreaded clichés have already come for me. Do overlook that too, hmm?

I really don’t want this to become a long-winded description/explanation, but there are several factors that can’t be ignored. My apologies in advance. Still, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up typing the collective life story of me and my love interest.

I’ll start at the beginning. (Or vice versa, if you wish.)
A short while ago, I self-diagnosed myself with want-what-I-can’t-have-itis (thrill of the chase, fear of even the slightest bit of commitment, those lovely little bad habit truisms). All too common, I know, but I decided to get rid of it since I already had enough problems as it were. At the same time, I was a typical female who “liked” anything that was attractive enough by my standards and had a pulse.
Ah yes, the good ol’ days. After getting more or less cured, I did realize that I actually do look for specific things in a guy, that I don’t want a relationship with just any gorgeous, animate objects, etc. And I’m through with the bad, dangerous type. They’re so boring. This is where Paul comes in.
Paul is quite remarkable. Suffice it to say that he truly has what I am looking for. I had been attracted to him in the past, but this was also during my streak with bad boys…sheesh. Oh and there was also the fear of commitment, i.e., dating or the likes.

Although a great deal of recent encounters, flirting, body language, and exchanges between us are, in my mind, extremely pertinent to the situation, I’ll omit them for brief descriptions of the most key events.

Like most guys, from my understanding, he is painfully vague when talking to me about certain… situations or problems. Unlike most guys, it seems he is attempting to drop hints in these exchanges and skillfully using elaborate analogies in doing so.
It is my belief that on the last day of school, after the yearbooks had been signed and almost everyone had gone, he intended to ask me out, but chickened out, so to speak. What I extracted from his analogy (which he gave me later that day on IM) was that he was all set on asking me out, but his ride took the opportunity from him. The analogy essentially makes perfect sense if I input the situation of him wanting to ask me out, but for all I know that’s not what he’s trying to say. He said he really should have stayed after longer, and, as the analogy goes, “given the closing, and pissed off my carpool.” (i.e., asked me out in whatever brilliant fashion he was set on, and pissed off his carpool.)

So basically, the situation that I’m in right now is that after not going online for at least a year, the guy I like suddenly gets a screen name on the evening of the last day of school, tracks my screen name down on yahoo, and cryptically tells me that he should have stayed later that day to tell someone (I know that it’s a female), something “courageous” and perfectly planned out that would have prompted some sort of judgment from this girl, and that he regrets not doing. For the record, I was the only girl there during the time he was talking about, save for a few irrelevant freshman girls.
After that, we’ve been talking every night for a few hours on IM (I even got him to stay an hour longer one night – quite a feat considering he lives in a “police state”) until a few days ago, as he is now in California visiting prospective colleges. From what I have gathered… he has a case of wanting what he can’t have. It’s rather complicatedly tied in with his personal beliefs, and he isn’t too keen on getting out of it. He’s said that he’s “picky,” and also that he (paraphrased) wishes that he wouldn’t chicken out so much. I’m quite sure that he can’t decide if he wants to have a relationship or not.

Yet at the same time, he drops hints of really wanting one; this among countless other things – one of my guy friends actually proposed to me the other day (we’re really close, and he wasn’t completely serious), and I told Paul that, asking him what I should tactfully say in return. Upon telling him my guy friend had proposed to me, he said “sneaky bastard, beat me to the punch…” Also things like only talking to me on IM, and pissing off a few of his friends in the process.

A few days before he left for California, I asked him if he could possibly come over to play a video game that we had been planning on playing together (although the initial plan was to do so over the internet, which I realized won’t work. Yes, we’re both total nerds). He said sure, after the time he’d be gone. He also said that he’d try to keep in touch over that time, but he most likely wouldn’t be able to (he hasn’t so far). The problem is…I feel I’ve been a bit over eager – quite a rarity for me. I even gave him my email address, and told him to use it if he felt the need (nothing yet). That, along with asking him to come over, something the likes of which I had unsuccessfully nudged at in the past, and more makes me feel like I’m being much too keen.

I can’t be so overtly eager or I’ll scare him off. At the same time, I can’t play too hard to get and flirt with other guys because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m uninterested, and he’ll think I wasn’t really being serious with him (from personal experience, this seems like a possibility). What can I do to attain this precious balance yet have the relationship actually progress, to see if he really wants to be with me, and to find all this out without coming off like some deranged, needy chick?
Thanks for any help
- Sue

Hi Sue,
I feel for you, I really do.
When a guy is getting all the signals to ask a girl for the date and he wimps out, it’s very frustrating.
For the both of you.

Here’s an analogy for you:
He’s the batter at the plate.
The bases are loaded. No outs.
The pitcher (you) are giving him all the signals that your pitch is going to be a soft lob ball, right over the plate. Easily hit out of the park.
And what does are batter do?
He passes and let’s another batter take his place.
He’s so scared of failure, or rejection, so lacking in self-confidence that even when given the green light (literally flashing before his eyes), when he has the perfect opportunity to be the hero, he walks away.
Then, after the game he talks with the pitcher and says stuff like:
“I had that one but my arm was stiffening up”
“I could’ve cleared the bases but I had a cramp in my leg”
And other crappy statements that infer he could have been the hero but the time just wasn’t right.

So, how do you handle this type of guy?
You have to step up and complete the deal.
The next time you see him, in person, after chatting a bit and catching up you say to him, quite plainly, “Are you going to take me on a date or what?” Then give him a kiss.
Seal the deal for him.
And yes, likely you’ll be adopting a puppy-man. Willing to sit, stay and roll over on your request.
He will be all mushy, dependant on you, constantly jealous and always needing to know where you are.
But, in the end, you’ll have received your request.
You will be dating this puppy-man.

So there you are, how to date the man that shows all the signals that he wants to date you but he just can’t bring himself to ask the question.
End his pain. Make the completion.
Ask him the question.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I’ve known this girl since we were both kids, as we live in the same street and we both go to the same youth group where she is the youth leader. We’re both 19. I’ve grown to like her a lot, to the stage where I’ve developed feelings for her. I only ever see her once a week at the youth group. At the start of 2005 and nearly every other week I used to catch her staring at me. I could be talking to some people and she’d be in another group in another conversation, and if I was to turn or look around the room I would immediately catch her staring dead straight into my eyes for no apparent reason. Once I caught her she’d look a bit nervous, and look away. Some nights I’ve caught her out and then she does it again two minutes later. One night I was sitting down talking with someone and she was in the row in front and I just happened to look in front and caught her again. This time I held the stare and I smiled, she did too, and then turned back around. This has happened so many other times as well with her.

Whenever we both hold a conversation we are both very shy towards each other, as we’re both shy people, but she always looks me in the eye so much so that I’m just too nervous to hold the contact.

If she is ever walking towards me in the street or mall she looks in my direction then quickly looks away and acts all nervous until we pass, when she does acknowledge me, sometimes acting surprised that she has seen me. Is she trying to avoid me or is she just nervous? Also whenever I make a mistake, be a clutz, make myself look stupid or tell a dumb joke, she’ll laugh.

Does her doing these things mean anything or am I just over reacting and blowing things out of proportion?

I’m just too scared to make a move or anything because I’m afraid of being rejected and making a fool of myself, plus she’d be an 11/10 in the looks dept, where’d I’d only rate myself 5/10 which makes me wonder why she’d be even remotely interested. I’m sort of waiting around for her to give me more of these signs before I do anything, but in the meantime I know that she might just find someone else, maybe for good, then I would loose her for good. How can I get over myself and handle this situation or just ask her out?

Hi,
You sound like a nice guy. Invite her out for a coffee or something after the next youth group meeting.

It’s likely she’s as experienced as you are in the relationship department, good looking girls are all too often lonely because every guy is afraid of rejection and doesn’t ask her out.

Get over yourself and your fears. Read more articles on my site and ask her out for a coffee.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I am leaving for university in the fall. My boyfriend and I have been dating since sophomore year and we’ve only been with each other, if you know what I mean. He will be staying at his parent’s home for a year working and starting at my university next year. We plan on visiting each other as much as possible but since I’ll be out of state and he’ll be working we’re not sure how that will all work out. Mainly, I guess, I am insecure about him still wanting to be my boyfriend after I’ve started university. He’ll be with all of our friends, and I’ll be alone, away, in at school.

What can I do to make sure our relationship lasts until he comes to school next year?
Signed,
Dating and Doubtful

Hi D and D,
I can really see your discomfort in being away from your boyfriend when you start your new life at school and as he starts his new life as a full-time worker.
Life begins when high school ends for many people. Different places, different people, different responsibilities.
You can plan to travel to be together as much as possible, and with Internet access everywhere, you’ll want to invest in a good laptop and a webcam so you can spend some quality chat time together too.
But you’ve asked “How can I be sure we’ll still be together while we’re apart?” and that is a tough question to answer.
But answer these questions to discover a little about your current relationship.
Do you:
- Have a regular date plan now? Do you see each other every Saturday night for a date? Hang around together all the time, as much as you can?
- Have regular phone calls?
- Exchange regular emails?
- Have both friends that are supportive of your relationship?
- Your family (both families) supports your relationship?
- Have no cheated on each other?
- Made “future plans together” that includes possible engagement and marriage?
Positive answers to the above questions would lead me to believe you will have a positive experience in your future.

Many couples that are separating for reasons outside of their control exchange promise rings that identify a future together. This exchange is a solidification of your future. It’s a sort of “engagement to be engaged”. I suggest that this step be discussed by you to your boyfriend and see how he reacts.
If I read your letter correctly, he should be very willing to take this step.

You date regularly now and spend a lot of time together, plan your separation with scheduled dates set up. Whether phone calls, webcam chats or emails, decide on a day and time that is just “your time”, just as you would having dates if you were together.

And no matter the temptation, do not use family or friends as “spies” on him. Trust is the biggest issue couples apart have. If you feel you can’t trust him now, you won’t be able to trust him when you are at school. And a breakup is a good idea before something worse happens.

Both of you will be going through some pretty serious changes in the coming months. You’ve got to be “adult” about things and have a common ground of understanding to get you through this year of separation and back together as a couple again.

There will be your school stress, his work problems, both of which will work to divide you in a sea of “not understanding me” arguments. But if you prepare against this going in then you will be prepared as these issues arise.

A good thing here is to have a code word that explains that you are going through a difficult time that is not due to anything your boyfriend, or yourself for him, can fix. You can use the code word in a phone call, email or chat session. This keeps things to a common place where you agreed to be when you were together. And helps to keep you both united in your coming long distance relationship.
I wish you well in your future,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, since our freshman year in college and we are both 20.

She is my first love and I am the first person she has ever been with. We spend all year together and recently we both got into the same law school.

I was planning on going to Europe this year and I encouraged her to do the same with her friends, I thought it would be a nice experience for the both of us before we started another stressful semester next September.

The only problem is that now I am constantly worried by the fact that she is going on an organized trip with a lot of other young people who will be partying and often a little drunk.

I also find her friends to be a bad influence. There is no history of cheating in our relationship, but we are both so young and she is so inexperienced I am worrying that she might be tempted to cheat.

We’ve talked about it and she assured me she wouldn’t. Do I need to face reality? At this age is it time for a little break during our trip? Or should I trust her until she proves otherwise? Does our age change the rules of the game since we are both just starting to experience life. I would really like to stop worrying.
Thanks,
William

Hi William,
All the time that you spend together is both a gift and a curse. You rely on her being with you, ready to “be your girl” from now to eternity but you don’t see her as being mature enough to not cheat on you.

The reality that you need to face is that your girlfriend is a person in her own right.

If you can’t trust her, you need to end the relationship.
It’s quite that simple.

Your unresolved jealousy, your general distrust of your commitment to her is being projected onto her as her problem when it’s really your problem.

You’ve had your talk with her. She has told you that she can be trusted. She’s said and done all she can do. It’s time for you to trust yourself that you have a great, beautiful, trustworthy person in your life that wants to share experiences with you without you being jealous of her own life and the control she has over her own actions.

I get many advice emails from guys that are jealous about how their girlfriends interact with other male friends. This jealousy and mistrust can almost always be traced back to the guy’s own insecurities about his relationship with the woman he supposedly “loves”.
I placed love in quotes because love requires:
Fidelity
Trust
Commitment

If you can’t offer fully and completely these three things to your girlfriend, you need to resolve your own feelings, your own insecurities. Your time apart can be a wonderful growing experience that will lead to a fuller life for the both of you. If you let it.

Control yourself. Get counselling if you can’t resolve these feelings on your own.

Your future relationship depends on it. And not with just your current girlfriend but any and all friends you have in the future too. The world can be a jealous and covetous place, but don’t let it be your place.
Best Wishes,
Rob.