AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
I’m not sure if my fiancé is controlling or not.

He is very jealous. He gets mad if a guy even looks at me. He doesn’t want me to have guy friends. If we get into an argument about something he has done wrong he always tries to make it seem like its my fault. He is in bootcamp for the army and he wrote a couple of letters to his ex.

When I found out I told him that if he wrote her one more letter that we were over. He said “Well obviously you don’t love me as much as you say you do if you would break up with me for that”.

See what I mean about him turning everything around on me?

He has told me about dreams he has had where he caught me cheating on him and in one of them he said he threw a cell phone at my head. I don’t think he would ever really do that to me or put his hands on me in anyway but then why would he have a dream like that. He does have an anger problem but he has never hurt me but I’m worried. When we get married will he change?
Help me please,
D

Hi D,
I think that you need to take a step back at your life as it is now and how you feel it will be once your married. Make a list of everything.
(1) What you do now on your own;
(2) What you do together and;
(3) The things you want to change about both.

If you see anything that you want to be changed about your fiancé, how he acts now compared to how you want him to act when he’s your husband, postpone the marriage. I strongly recommend couples counseling before your marriage.
Him sending letters to his ex shows that he has no regard for your feelings about him. He’s looking for attention and comfort that he feels he can’t get from you. (Unless they have a child together and he’s sending the letters addressed to his ex but meant for his child then this would be a part of your life, being involved with his ex and child, that will go on for at least 18 more years.)

People don’t change because there is a ring on their finger. What you see now is who you’ll have in the future. The only person you can change is yourself and I don’t recommend changing into the type of person he wants you to be: obedient, subservient, under his control.

From what you’ve told me your fiancé tries to intimidate you, control you and blame you. He tells you his threatening dreams to scare you. Marriage won’t change any of this from happening in the future. And I bet that he’ll keep in touch, see anyone, anywhere, no matter your feelings. You’ll be placed second to what he wants to do whether it’s good for the both of you or just something he wants to do for himself.

If you can get him into counseling then great. I am thinking that, however, he’ll start an argument with you about it, blame you for wanting him to be someone he isn’t and threaten to break up with you.

It’s up to you to decide your future but don’t let your future be forced onto you.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I’ve tried asking you before, so I’ll try again, if that’s O.K. with you.

I’ve known this girl for 6 years, but has been seeing/dating for 8 months now. I love her, and she loves me. The problem is that I’m really insecure and is confused in what to do. She also has an ex-boyfriend who she’s still interacting with. Sometimes she seems to spend more time with him than she does with me. And I also think the ex-boyfriend is falling back in love with her. So soon he’ll try to seduce her, if he’s not trying already.

At the same time, she has a lot of male friends and hangs out with them too. I’m more confident about these male “toys” she refers them to, but all these guys really like her too and want to date her as well. (Amongst other things.) She also toys with them into making them want her but to have the “Look, but don’t touch” thing going on. I one day fear that I’ll one day become a “toy” to her too.

I’m really confused about this situation, and any smart guy would just look into this situation and say “Break up with her”. But all these things happened during our relationship and I’m still very much in love with her. I keep fearing she’ll leave me for her ex again, or one of her boy toys.

My insecurities keep eating up my insides, we’re fighting more, and it has almost led to us breaking up many times. I even considered spying on her and I hate what I’ve become. I just want a healthy relationship with the woman I love and to be confident that she won’t cheat on me. Can you help me be more confident about myself?
Thank you,
J.J.

Hi J.J.,
She’s testing the waters, expressing her freedom.
And the more you complain about it, the more you fight about it, the more you lose her.

I bet that if you keep this up she dumps you in less than two months.

Make friends with her friends. Bury your insecurities.
And start enjoying the fact that you’re not her only friend so that you can have a life too, outside of your relationship.

Really, being such a wuss, such a complainer and so insecure will certainly drive her away.

Lighten up. Remember, she’s dating you, not any of those other guys.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I need your advice on how I should respond and/or feel about a situation….I have been on 4 wonderful dates with a man. When I left his house on Sunday he called me about an hour later to make certain I had found my way home and said he’d call me later that evening, but never did. It is now Tuesday afternoon and I still haven’t heard anything from him. What do I make of this?
Confused

Hi Confused,
A guy almost always calls when he says he will.
Possible reasons why a call won’t call are:
- lost interest in you
- something embarrassing is happening to him that he doesn’t want to share
- he’s talked to his friends and they advised him not to call, not to look desperate
- he feels that he should wait more than 3 days to call you to make your next date

Give him two more days to call you. Then I’d call him, give him heck for not calling you when he said he did and tell him that’s not how to treat you, and for him not to do it again. Or simply say that you had a good time and you wondered what happened because he didn’t call when he said he would. Don’t be too demanding but make sure he knows to always follow-up what he says he’ll do for you. Be straightforward.

Many guys go by the rules of timing when to call after having a date. In order not to appear too needy guys should wait three or four days between calls for a date.

Remember though, it is OK to call right after the date but keep the conversation short. Make sure your date made it home OK, that she had a good time and get off the phone. Dragging out a conversation right after having the date is bad form for any guy. And call frequency increases as you date more. After four dates if interest level is kept high then you’re at the 3 call a week level even if you’re still only going on one date a week. When you start going on more than one date a week the calls can increase to every couple of days. But guys need to call when they say they’re going to call.
Best wishes,
Rob

Hi Rob,
There was this girl Anya, that I had a crush on when I was 17.

We used to work in the same shopping complex and a co-worker told her my feelings. She reacted and showed interest towards me by coming to the place I worked as I was a checkout operator she would come to me for service. But we never speak spoke as I was too shy and we usually just smiled to each other. This went on for a while until we didn’t see each other, however she went to the same church for mass as me. I moved on with life went out with a few girls, and 7 years later I am now single again.

I’ve joined this bible study to get closer to God and meet new people. Now I have started to see Anya at mass and decided to go up to her after mass as I built up the confidence because I didn’t want to die wondering of what could have been, so I spoke to her briefly and said things such as “it’s taken me 7 years to build up the courage to speak to you”.

The rest was small talk, however I invited her to this bible study and gave her my phone number. She called me 5 days later and said “Ray to be honest bible study isn’t my thing”, I said that was cool but “I would really like to take you out sometime” she laughed and I said “don’t be shy you have my number” and she laughed. That was it, 2 weeks ago, should I chase her up next time I see her at mass, or let her call me and ask me out or should I take her as not calling me as not being interested?
Thanks Billy

Hi Billy,
If you wait for her to call it’ll be a long time. Take the initiative and ask her out for a coffee. I am sure you have many things to talk about and share.
Make the call if you have her number or talk to her about getting together the next time you see her. Be sure you have a place and a time available to ask her out. Don’t call or talk to her without a plan. And keep the call/talk short and to the point. You just want a date, not a life story, at this point.

It’s good in a way that you opened up with her when you talked about your teenage crush, but don’t carry that topic any farther. You’re a man now, so act like one.

The date you ask her to should be a coffee somewhere, maybe an hour long, and if the conversation goes well you call her the next day for a more formal date.

The key to asking a girl out on a date once she has returned your smiles is not to play shy. You’ve got to get active, with a plan, and ask her out.
First is a coffee or dessert somewhere. In the afternoon or early evening. Nothing too late or too early.

From there you move on to the first phone call after the first coffee date. The conversation should be kept to a minimum so that you’ll avoid boring her, running out of things to say, or saying too much.
The first date can be another, more intense coffee, a lunch or maybe even a dinner. My personal preference has been to do something unique. Sure everyone needs to eat, but have you gone bowling lately? Strolled through a local museum? Minigolf? Window gift shopping? Even take your camera for some lakeshore photographs? Maybe even a walk in a busy area of town to ‘people watch’. The idea here is that everyone eats, but you don’t have to feed her. Try something different and you’ll score much better on her interest gauge.

1. Coffee date (Day 1)
2. First phone call (Day 2)
3. More coffee, lunch or better yet plan something unique to do (Day 4 to 6) This can be repeated every couple of days until…
4. First official dinner date (Thursday night, somewhere in Day 12 to 17)
5. If you’ve made it this far, you’re dating! In another two weeks it’s time to talk about ‘exclusivity’!
6. After Day 25 you’re good for Saturday night dates.

I hope things work out well for you,
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I very rarely need expert advice, but this one is a real conundrum and I hope you can help me.

Quick background:
I am a thirty five year old male professional. I am successful, have above-average looks, I am intelligent and I have a very good sense of humor. In summary, while I have to work at it, I generally do well with women and I am able to date very attractive women.

The scenario:
I met up with a good female friend and her friends late one Saturday night a few weeks ago. One of her friends was gorgeous and cool and we hit it off right away. At the end of the night we let everybody peel away and ended up with an intense make-out session at this lounge downtown.

I called her the next evening and we went on a second date. We drank quite a lot but really clicked mentally. We ended up climbing on top of each other again both while on the town and on the cab ride home. She was very attracted to me (talking dirty etc. but she is also very sweet and intelligent)

I asked her out on a third date for the next Saturday night while on the second date (second date was on Tuesday).

I received two very positive texts from her saying that she also had a great time and that she wanted to go on Saturday if she “got back from her parent’s place on time on Saturday.” (Her parents live in the suburbs.)

She blew me off on Saturday night (I called once and then left one message saying that I was leaving in 45 min. if she still wanted to come).

I called her again on Tuesday, left a brief “hello” message, told her to give me a call, and then got off the phone quickly. She did not answer or return my call. I have let it go for two weeks, but would really like to get her on another date. There was tons of chemistry between us. All of my friends (both male and female) are as baffled as I am at this scenario.

I do not want to act like a fool by continuing to call, but I feel as if I should at least give it one more “Hail Mary” just to make sure that I am out. Something weird could have happened and I want to make sure that there has been no miss-communication I want to cover all the bases before I let a girl of this caliber get away.
Any advice?
Hank

Hi Hank,
It sounds to me that you’ve had two heavy dates. Both times alcohol was involved, both times the dates went sexually “hot and heavy” and ended with no regrets.

But now, when trying for that third date, her feeling of regret has crept in. That’s why she’s not answering or returning your calls and that’s why she’s blowing you off when you do talk to her.

Pulling back the sexual action is the only way to save this possible dating relationship. She’s overstepped her “safe boundaries” and now feels that the next date will throw her over the cliff of sexual expectations and actions. Her not wanting to speak with you re-enforces the fact that she’s feeling regret and embarrassment as well as insecurity that the sexual overtones of the time you spend together is outside of her usual behavior.

Talk again to the mutual friends that you have. Ask them if she’s the type to be so “active” on dates. They’ll have some ideas for you to follow up on as far as your next steps go.

Your last chance “Hail Mary” contact should be a small gift, maybe flowers, to show a side of you that is more than a party animal, more than a guy going out for a good time. And on a date that is different from what you’ve been doing so far with her.
Flowers.
Balloon bouquet.
Candy basket.
The included card says “[Your name] the romantic. Meet me at XXXX for dinner”. XXXX is the name of the restaurant, a mid-week date and early evening time for your slow, safe, romantic dinner date. Or a short dinner and a fun date. Bowling. Arcade games. Mini golf. Bingo.
And no matter what happens, when you take her home after this date, you drop her off and end the date then and there. If she invites you in for coffee, you tell her you need to slow down the relationship, coming in maybe not the best idea and that you need to now that she’s OK with that.
And go home.

If she’s really gorgeous, she’s used to guy’s hitting on her for sex. She’s had enough of guys trying to possess her. She wants to preserve herself when she meets a guy that she’s really into, but there aren’t any rules for her to follow without ending up seeming to be a prude.

This is what you have to change about your approach.

Think about creating a long-term relationship rather than making a new notch on your bedpost. This type of male behaviour will be new to her. She’ll respect you for it. And you’ll be setting the tone for the relationship to progress more naturally, without the sexual overtones that are likely scaring her away.

When dates turn too sexual too fast the natural tendency is to avoid the conflict. Stop answering calls. Stop being available. Save your self-esteem by not facing the person that you went “too far” with.

Whether you’re the guy or the girl, if you need to put the brakes on the sexual side of your dates as soon as you feel you’ve “gone too far” do it. Don’t be intimidated by “society’s influence” on the way sex in represented in TV shows and the movies. That’s called entertainment, this is called your life and your future.

If the girl or the guy you’re dating is put off by your sudden decision to slow down on the sex part of your dates, then it’s better you learn this early in the relationship rather than later. You’ll know how you’ve been seen/used by the person you’re with.

If you’re being treated as a “sex date” rather that a possible “relationship date” it’s only up to you to change the future way you’re being treated. Even couples that have decided to be “friends with benefits” at least know the ground rules of being together.

Become the “safe date” where sex isn’t the immediate goal of the date.
Show that you’re putting the brakes on the sexual aspect of being together. Change the places of the dates from bars to places where you can both be together doing something that is fun, interactive and likely outside of what a normal date would be.

You’re future of dating this girl is in the next actions you make.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
Me and this guy that I met at work started dating. We’ve known each other for a month, but have been dating for a week. We’ve gone on two dates. And we’re kind of taking things way faster then I want to.

There’s no sex involved and I don’t plan for there to be. (intercourse or oral). But we do “mess around”, which I prefer that we get to know each other better, and he has said that he is willing to wait for me, when I’m ready to have sex.

However, a friend of his, who also works with us, and has known him since he was a toddler, cause he was best friends with her brother, was talking about how he was trying to get in bed with her (before we dated) and how typical guy, always trying to have sex.

See when we got together, he told me he wanted us to be completely open with how we feel about each other and told me that he liked me a lot, etc. He opens the doors for me, he calls me to say good morning, and that kind of sweet stuff, however, when we’re at my apartment, he wants to mess around and we do, but I don’t let it go farther then that. And I told him I feel we are moving too fast, and he says its not too fast. I don’t really do much to him, he’s usually doing stuff to me. I want to know, that if I tell him, that we should stop doing anything more then kisses, and just get to know each other better, and plan activities, like museum visits, that kind of thing.

I never should have let him do more then kiss me, I realize that, but can you start over like that, and he’ll respect me, and like me more? Is that possible? Can I get him to like me by resisting him and doing stuff where we’ll get to know each other as individuals? Or is it too late?

If not, what kind of stuff can we do that will get him to respect me for me, and not turn to his player side, because I know that a guy does not respect a girl who gives away sex easily, and we haven’t done that orally or intercourse. I know guys respect and like you more if you hold out and aren’t “easy”. But is it too late for me because we “messed around” and if not, how can I get him to not wanna stray on me.
Thanks
Jen
ps. He hasn’t yet.. but I want to make sure of it for the future.

Hi Jen,
This guy is trying to play you like a deck of cards… the more he deals (arouses you sexually) the better the odds that he’ll get a winning had (have sex with you).

Stop it now! Right now!

He’s using you to get what he wants and figures that sooner, rather than later, he’ll wear you down. Then when the deed is done he’ll drop you as another trophy he’s won. The guy sounds like a player to me.

Guys that respect girls don’t expect them to “hold out” and make having sex a challenge, they expect the girls they date to not be easy, to wait for the relationship to actually lead somewhere before having sex. I read somewhere that a girl should wait at least 3 months before going to bed with a guy. I don’t agree with that at all. A girl should wait until a real commitment has been made by the guy and much longer than 3 months. Not him just saying “I love you”. Sorry, three little words don’t make all that much difference unless they are sincere, thought out and leading to a bigger commitment than just going to bed. And I don’t mean him saying that sex will lead to “exclusivity”. If you’re not the only girl he’s dating now, dump him fast! Because what he’s not getting from you he’s trying to get elsewhere. A real user, a real player.

I’m not old-fashioned, I’m honest. Guys want to get laid and more often than not they’ll do whatever it takes to get there. Girls want a more honest commitment so they don’t feel cheap, used and slutty. And they will accept a lie from the guy so they don’t feel used and slutty, at first. Then all emotional hell breaks out.

This guy isn’t being honest with you, he’s trying to use you.

Put the brakes on the sexual activity. He’ll try and try. Then he’ll leave. And he won’t call. And you’ll hurt. But trust me, you’ll be much better off.

I think that for your next date you should wear a belt on your pants and a pad under your underwear. And a sports bra with no wiggle room.
Lock him out and tell him no. Make the future of your relationship depend on his actions after you tell him that you need to slow down.

You asked me these questions and here are my answers:
Can you start over sexually?
- Yes, provided you’re open, honest and protected from his encouragement. He’ll try to advance but if he really respects you he’ll agree to backing off. If he doesn’t, well, that tells all doesn’t it? His respect will be told from the next call after your date ends.

Will he respect you by starting to resist his sexual acts?
- Not at first. He’ll doubt your sincerity and try to get you to “do it anyways”. That will show you that he’s just using you, not respecting you. Of course, he may feel more than just sexual towards you, then he will respect your choice and let you set the sexual timetable. If this happens, go slow… very slowly because you won’t be bale to set the clock back twice.

Will he want to do other things, other dates together, that don’t lead to sex?
- I hope so. Otherwise the first two answers above have answered.

How to keep a guy from his “player side”?
- If you suspect he’s a player, ask him about his past. Old girlfriends, why they broke up, that sort of thing. His answers and honesty will tell all. But if he’s playing you you’ll never get to this question and get a straight answer. Ever.

I really hope that this is a guy caught up in the sexuality of the times and peer pressure that he truly doesn’t believe in. Many people and not just guys, do things because they think they should, not because it feels right, is right, or is needed. You have the chance to correct his thoughts and actions, about sex, about you and about your relationship. I hope you have the strength to follow through with my suggestions; that your boyfriend has the courage to not be lead by his sexual desires; and that you both can have a truly fulfilling relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
I am a 40 yr. old, divorced single mother. A few months ago I moved into a new apartment, and there is a guy that lives in the building that I am interested in getting to know, but I have no idea how to go about it… or even if I should! ( I don’t know if he has a girlfriend, although I have never seen anyone.)

I do know he is also divorced, and he has two children. I know this because my landlord’s daughter, who is a friend of my daughters’ has talked about him to me. ( I didn’t ask! ) Apparently he is good friends with my landlord, and also works with him. I have thought about asking the landlord, or his wife something like “So, what’s Jeff’s story? Does he have a girlfriend?” But at my age that just sounds a little teenage-ish.

I have never had a conversation with him, we have said hello, and he always waves and smiles, even when he passes me on the road! I have tried to “happen” to be outside when I know I may run into him, but that hasn’t worked! What, if anything, should I do?
“A little out-of-practice”

Hi A Little Out Of Practice,
It’s fair to ask around about Jeff’s ‘situation’ before you make any moves.
This is not teenage behavior unless you stoop to the “does he like me, I like him” round-robin routine that teens do.

And I say that if he’s single, unattached, the next time go beyond saying hello to him. Ask him about his car, where he gets it repaired, you’re having trouble with yours. Something like that.
Maybe you need a quick hand getting something off a high shelf in your apartment. Something funny like changing an out of reach light bulb. You know what I mean, right?
Open the lines of communication. Don’t be afraid of making the first contact moves to get a conversation going.

After two or three of these mini-conversations if he doesn’t ask you out for a coffee, you go ahead and do it. Say to him “I could use a break, would you like to go to XXX place for coffee in half an hour?”

No matter your age, asking people in the know about someone’s personal relationship status, and I mean only asking if they are single or not, is OK to do. Just don’t get snoopy or to inquisitive.

Having the courage to initiate contact with someone is hard. Losing out on what could be a great experience or relationship is a downright shame.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I need some help.

There is this girl that I’ve seen in my local bar and she’s HOT. She keeps hanging out with these total jerks.

I’ve talked with her a few times and she’s really nice to me. I buy her drinks and we chat a lot all kinds of things but whenever her jerk friends shoe up (guys!), she’s hanging with them.

I don’t have her email or number, I just meet her in the bar when she shows up. I’ve been hanging out there more so I can chat with her.

How do I get her more interested in me so I can date her?
LA Boy

Hi LA Boy,
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that she wants a little “danger” in her life while what you offer is a comforting person to talk with until her real friends show up.

She’s either interested in you as a friend, as a bar drinking buddy with an open wallet, or maybe, just maybe, she’s waiting for you to “man up” and ask her some personal questions and a date too.

The people she’s hanging out with once they show up offer her more fun than you do. I bet one guy busts on her all the time, teasing her, calling her names, and she get’s real excited in her answers to all the teasing. This is classic “Bad Boy” techniques. Girls really respond to this type of interaction. It’s fun, a little dangerous, and keeps them guessing about what’s next. Their interest level goes up, their anticipation for what’s going to happen next spikes up and they like the guy more and more. The “Bad Boy” is beyond the “wussy-safe-guy” that you represent.

Take the step forward.

Get her email, chat with her online, (stop hanging out at the bar so much, she’ll think you’re a drunk if you aren’t already!), get her phone number. Open up communication on a more personal level by getting her info.

Search the local paper and see if there’s anything interesting going on, a car show, a craft sale, something where the two of you can spend some time together, hanging out seeing stuff.

Heck, take her bowling or minigolf if she’s into those things. Talk to her and find out, the door is open, my friend, it’s time to step through it.

And for goodness sakes, bust on her once in a while. Get her interest to increase in you, be “the Man” not the soft wuss you are now.
Best wishes,
Rob.