AdviceGeneral.com

Hi Rob,
I stumbled onto your site while researching controling men.

I am 20 yrs old I met this guy through another friend he took my number & we started talking having 9 hr conversations at this time we lived in two different states we talked on the phone for about 4 months and visited each other for a month.

I moved to be with him, then all of a sudden his family who lives in Jordan didn’t want us to live together without being married. This issue had never been risen until I moved. I found this to be suspicious but loved him and didn’t want to have to move back. So we got married in October.

Things go well then go bad.

I am a very strong independent woman who likes a little space and a little input on subjects. I have lived on my own for 2 years and have worked and attended college so I’ve been very self sufficient I guess you could say. He is the one who wanted me to move here now that I’m here and we are married things have changed.

I don’t work because we only have one car so he takes it everyday to go to work sometimes 14 hr shifts which leaves me in the house alone and bored. I haven’t met anyone since I have moved here so no friends no family.

I rarely go out only to the bank, and grocery shop, occasionally we will go for a drive or eat out maybe once a month. I cook for him even when he gets home from work at 4am , also wake up every morning and bring the coffee to the bed side for him, clean, laundry, iron all clothes, run his bath/shower water, massage almost EVERY night (I have yet to get a massage) greet him with a kiss when he comes home from work, and an I love every night before I fall asleep.

He is obviously from Jordan and speaks arabic I have started trying to learn arabic so I can understand him better along with learning about his religion. He seems miserable, tells me that his ex understood him more than I do, wants somebody who listens (I feel that I do listen), & that any girl would be happy to sit at home and relax (truth be it makes me miserable to sit at home).

In return I just feel like I’m being taken for granted and nothing I do is good enough and I’m pretty much not up to his standards. However he does do sweet things but I constantly feel like I don’t have a say in anything.

He’s always telling me I should do this or that or why don’t you do it like this, You know what your problem is (my personal fav. makes me want to yell every time he says it).

He doesn’t like me to really talk to my old old grade school friend who is a guy & a gay guy at that! He also tells me that if I keep listening to my mother and everyone else in my life then they are going to screw up my life. My mom feels that he is controling I don’t know sometimes I see it and sometimes I just see a sweet guy trying his best.

When I try to talk about these issues with him it’s an uphill battle he won’t acknowledge or agree with my view of what is going on in our relationship. He always tells me I look at the small stupid stuff that doesn’t matter, also tells me I’m too sensitive.

I feel that if I said half the things that he says to me it would be ten times worse than him saying it to me if that makes sense, feels like I’m supposed to sit down and take it (not in my nature).

I went crazy on him today and told him that if he wanted something different than me go get her! I feel emotionally exhausted & also like I’m losing that strong independent part of myself!

On top of all of this we are working on his citizenship papers! & we just had 3 officers barge into our home at 630am yesterday! So multiple questions come up! You think he is controlling? What should I do if he is? I don’t want to leave, I hate divorce! If he is controlling can I fix it? Finally how do I make him and myself happy?
Thanx a lot
Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
He is controlling and it’s a cultural thing as much as a personality thing.

You are right to suspect the type of relationship you’re in and would suggest couples counselling to work these issues out.

You need a third person there to help the both of you communicate better.

Your happiness within your marriage is the responsibility of both of you, not something that you need to work on by yourself.

Is it possible he’s using you for citizenship papers? Unfortunately, because of how you describe ypur married life I have suspicions.

If he won’t go to counselling then start the sessions on your own. And do your best to get a second car so that you have some independence once again.

Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
I’m in a state of confusion whether to ‘breakup’ or end communicating with this guy. I’m 27 and he’s 26.

I met him online and we’ve been chatting for almost 6 months now.

He’s halfway round the world, obviously. We just talk things out if we’re not busy. We like each other but I guess he likes me more because he doesn’t seem to care if I have a boyfriend already ( I have a steady boyfriend for 6 years in a relationship).

I’m totally impressed with his style because for 6 months straight he remained respectful… not a typical guy you’ve met online who would go overboard, you know those stuffs. No pressure at all from him.

He used to tell me that we’re not talking ‘relationships’ but liking each other.  He said, he really doesn’t know why he likes me so much and remained communicating with me even though I shut out our communication for two months straight.

And I don’t even know what type of relationship we are in right now.

What it’s called Rob?

Of course I should not expect more out of this because I’m cheating with my boyfriend.

That’s the point.  So…

Why does this guy keeps me at bay?

He doesn’t want to end our communication. He said he’ll be around til we grow old. lol…  He said I have every right on him.. every right.  But he doesn’t want to open up his 3 year relationship with his ex. Could it be he still loves her? I’m just a cover up?

And he also told me that if I want to meet him I just have to say so. But as I see it,  no strings attached, since he’s got plans to have a girlfriend in his place.

It’s just that he doesn’t found someone special. He used to say that why we’re so far from each other.

He’s culture bound and he’s not christian.

What do you think Rob?

Hi,

I think you are cheating on the guy you’re with and looking for a reason to escape this relationship.

I’m not going to give it to you. But I think you’ll make that one up for yourself.

6 years in a relationship and still dating? Living together without a firm commitment on marriage?

Do you see why you have doubts?

You need to decide for yourself which is going to be the better relationship, the one you have now or your fantasy guy that you met online. 6 months of chatting doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

You are in a fantasy relationship with this online guy, that’s what it’s called.

When you meet someone online my rule is: “You never know someone until you can smell them”.

There are big differences between his culture and yours. Watch out. There is a lot more to this story and what you’re not telling me are the reasons why you don’t think this ‘relationship” would work. Follow your gut instinct about this, and end it.

And if you do go to visit him, yes, there are strings attached. You are becoming emotionally attached to this shadow guy, this figment of an online boyfriend. End it now.

I really think you need some single time or counselling to decide why you have allowed yourself to put yourself in this situation.

What are you looking for outside of your current relationship?

Best wishes,

Rob

Dear Rob,
I am really confused. I had a 15 year marriage to a mama’s boy. All throughout our marriage, he would seek out his mother constantly for everything. For example, he insisted on having meals over his mother’s house two to three times per week (he would have spent MORE time with his mother if I would have accepted it, but I didn’t).

Rob, I actually had to create a structured, written-out schedule with him about “how many times” he should go over to see her (which made me feel so parental, and I didn’t want to be his parent… I wanted to be his wife!).
Needless to say, he AND his overbearing, narcissistic, controlling mother were resentful of me for the “restrictions” I placed on their relationship. How dare I intrude on them!!!!

Every day, My ExH would leave for work, and immediately call his mommy when he got into work, and they’d talk 2-3 times in the day. On his desk at work, he kept my picture AND his mother’s, side by side. At home, we’d argue all the time over taking trips, because he didn’t want to travel. He used excuses such as, “I’m afraid to fly” (ironically, his mother is apparently “afraid to fly” too… yet she’s flown at least 7 times before this??).

When he was feeling ill, he’d immediately ask me to “go get” his mother so she could take care of him (he never asked for ME to take care of him). He got very anxious when I talked about moving out of his parents home (yes, at his request, we lived in an addition attached to his mother’s house). He told me straight out on several occasions, “We don’t have the money. Why don’t we just live here. We’re going to inherit my parents home anyway”, which I thought was ludicrous. Heck, I wanted a normal, independent life with him .I wanted to be one with him. I wanted a healthy adult marriage.

In a very short while after we got married, I truly resented both he and his mother. And this may sound weird, but it actually felt like THEY were the married couple, and I was the affair (after all, my ExH was actually a substitute for his mother’s husband, who was pushed away and ignored… she and her husband even slept in separate beds).

I actually saw a counselor alone and told her about this. The first thing she had told me was, “The situation you are living in is very unhealthy. If he won’t move out of his parents home, then you’ll really have to seriously consider other options, unfortunately.” She also said (and I’ll never forget this as long as I live), “Essentially he is having an affair…and YOU are the other woman.”

Ok, so Rob, now I’ve finally (after 15 years of feeling so resentful, pushed aside, and devalued) left my marriage in October 2005. I felt so free…and yet…so hurt at the same time. The person that I loved so much… the husband that I shared so many fun things with…didn’t bat an eyelash when I left. He was nonchalant about it, and perfectly happy to stay with his mother. His attitude was, “Well, I’m sure we’ll get back together again someday. I love you. I know we belong together.” But he made absolutely NO effort to fight for our marriage.

It is taking me a long time to get over him, because he and I were best friends (who had sex). Let me explain:

Other than the mother thing, my exH and I had an excellent relationship. We spend loads of time together, finishing our graduate degrees at the same time, taking walks in the woods, playing golf, going out to beautiful dinners, and holding hands. However I just didn’t have sexual feelings for him. Still, we had sex but only 1-2x month. And when we did, I felt numb, like I didn’t really want to be there. Yet I love him so dearly, so deeply, because he is such a great individual. His heart is so good, he’s highly intelligent (has his PhD), and an excellent work ethic.

Ok, so here’s the current scoop:
I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. And yes, I finally discovered that I actually have a very healthy, normal sex drive (with my boyfriend) that WAS NOT present with my exH.
Knowing that I have a sex drive gives me comfort, because I totally was not feeling passion or sexual feelings toward my exH. At the same time, I feel sad and GUILTY that I didn’t have “IT” for my exH and I mean REALLY GUILTY, cuz he’s such a great guy.

I still LOVE my exH SO MUCH but DO NOT want to be with him sexually. I believe that the reason I don’t want him romantically is simply because he’s NOT a man (Heck, he’s 42 and STILL lives with his parents – - essentially he’s a “man-child” as you write about on your website, Rob). The mother-son co-dependency thing really soured the whole thing for me.

So, here’s the problem:
My ex-H emailed sent me an email today, asking me to go for a drive with him tomorrow so we can “talk about our relationship” (i.e. he wants to get back together with me). Well, #1, as I said I have a boyfriend whom I love. But #2. I still love my exH a lot but not in a romantic way.
And I’m just so confused about all of this. It hurts tremendously, because I love them both deeply, but in two different ways (i.e. I love my exH so deeply, but he is a man-child who is still very attached to his mother’s umbilical cord VS. I love my boyfriend, who is a real man and can stand on his own two feet). So you can see the horrific dilemma I have.

My question:

Some people say that one can actually “work on” and “develop” feelings for someone. If I were to get back together with my exH, would I be able to CREATE and DEVELOP sexual feelings and passion for him?
Thanks in advance for your reply,
Sue

Hi Sue,
I do understand the situation you feel yourself in, but I have to say:
Unless your ex-husband is willing to make positive changes to his lifestyle, initially starting with moving out on his own and getting away from the dependency of “Mama”, there is no hope for the two of you getting together again and renewing a positive relationship.

Sure, you’ve had good times, you’ve shared a lifetime (albeit 15 years) together. That isn’t easily given up on. But unless your ex is ready and willing to crawl out from his mother’s bosom, you’re still in the situation you were when you left him: he’s a baby that wants his mama first and foremost.

I would not get back together with him unless he moved out on his own, started counseling for his dependency on his mother, and was finally able to be a man, not a little boy. He needs to find his own inner strengths, not relying on others. He needs counseling so that if he does manage to move away from “Mama” he doesn’t just project his dependency onto you or someone else in his life.

As far as your current relationship, maybe you need a break just so you can experience the single life for a while. That’s why the confusion when your ex contacted you and the thoughts of giving up on your current boyfriend.

I also think that your ex-husband emailing you a get-back-together message is also a sign that he’s under control of people around him and not able to openly talk about what he wants, another co-dependent trait. Sure, he misses you…. But not enough, not yet.
Maybe he never will.

As for your question:
“Some people say that one can actually “work on” and “develop” feelings for someone. If I were to get back together with my exH, would I be able to create and develop sexual feelings and passion for him?”

This is not correct in your case. You’ve had 15 years of neglect, of being placed second in your husband’s life. Why would you want to go back to this knowing full well he still can’t offer you the true love, satisfaction and commitment that a wife truly deserves?

Until your exH can correct his past behavior, you will not be able to create any passion and sexual feelings for him simply because these emotions will be overshadowed by his types of behavior that never inspired these feelings in you to begin with. The “Love” for your exH you still feel is brought on by your comfort level and security in the type of relationship you did have (romanticized somewhat as well by time), not the relationship you actually lived.

I suggest that you start a journal right now. A past history diary.
Starting date: when you first met your husband.
Include the things you did together and how you remember the feelings you had for him at the time.
Try to remember the dates of trouble and the events that led to your husband running to his mother instead of coming to you.
The confrontations you had with him and his mother that drove you away.

Write everything down in cold hard factual style. Date and times are important. Fill in details later, arrange dates when you can.

You need to face the reality of your old marriage relationship and understand that it’s ending was not your fault. You never had a chance. You were married into a game that had no rules you could follow and still be a vibrant, sexual, compassionate woman.
The fix was in. The honestly pitiful fact is that it took so long for you to understand this.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My husband and I are married for 2 years and 2 months now. We were in love for 4 years before being married.

My parents opposed the marriage and fought against it until it happened.

We have a group of common friends that I like so much. The problem is that my husband is very selfish, he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it without considering me or thinking of our little daughter.

We do not have much of a private life, we have to spend all our spare time with our group of friends. I can not plan to go out anywhere if they are not coming. Thursdays are sacred for them.

I can not go to the cinema if they did not feel like it. My husband does not like going to a restaurant with me to even have lunch. The only common thing that we share is going to the pool. That is all.

I might like to do some things in the weekend but I have to either go by myself or take some of my friends but never to bother him because he will not do anything for me.

If I want to spend any time with him then I will have to do it his way or find my own way to entertain myself alone. He has no concern to do anything even for one hour just for me. In all the occasions, it’s the same to him: birthdays, Valentine’s Day, marriage anniversary means nothing to him.

He does not want to exchange presents and he does not want to go out even though he knows that this matters to me so much. I have to accommodate myself always on his likes & dislikes but mine are my own problems. He does allow anyone to tell him what to do, he chooses what he will do according to his mood. If I want something I have to do it and not bother him.

I hope I explained my problem. I want to find a solution. I love him but still I can not bear this kind of attitude anymore.

I began to be not wanting to share anything with our friends. If I do not want to (sometimes before I used to go not because I want to but because I have to share with him something). I began to feel not wanting to share anything with him if he does not want to share anything with me. I am not over demanding I demand a little and on long intervals other than that we do all what he likes and even this is not appreciated by him.
Thanks in advance,
Mary-Jane

Hi Mary-Jane,
Now is the time for you to confront him about being inconsiderate of you and his bad behavior.

Sit him down and tell him openly how he makes you feel. That he is not being fair or nice to you. A marriage is a partnership, not a place for a husband to think only of himself.

And, the next time that be talks badly of you in front of you and his friends, you immediately do this:
Repeat what he said, and say “I can’t believe that you’d say that about me, your loving wife” and wait for his reply.
Whenever he says something mean, hurtful or selfish use a variation of that phrase:
“I can’t believe that you’d say that about me, your loving wife”
“I can’t believe that you’d wouldn’t think about me, your loving wife”
“I can’t believe that you’d make me do this all by myself, your loving wife”

If you continue to let him mistreat you, you’ll have to live with it for the rest of your marriage.

If you stand up for yourself, eventually he will understand that he cannot treat you so badly.

Guys like this usually were overly doted on by their mothers or older siblings. They were always allowed to do what they want, the consequences of their actions never being made apparent to them or having to apologize for thinking only of themselves. Changing this behavior requires calm, thoughtful confrontation.
Never become angry.
Don’t cry.

Remain calm when you talk to him about his behavior, don’t let him turn the fault of his behavior onto yourself (a sign of controlling behavior).

And when he’s being mean in front of his friends towards you, repeat what he said and ask him, in front of his friends, why he’d say such a hurtful thing.

To rein in a poorly behaving, selfish husband, you have to make the rules of your marriage, friendship and relationship clear to him. You need to be calm and not back down from talking to him about his continuing to hurt you emotionally by his actions and words.

You may also want to talk to his parents and older siblings about his behavior. How they dealt with it, why maybe he acts this way. A little insight can go a long way.

If you can start counseling as well, this will help you to understand how to deal with these husband troubles. Go alone if he won’t join you.

You’ll become a better person, a stronger wife, for doing these things.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I would love some advice please.
I have known Woody since we were 13. We went to school together, went to different universities and since returning to our home town we have again become friends. In the past few months though I have realised that I might want more than friendship.

Normally I can tell if a man is interested in me but his actions have me totally confused. He came to my birthday party in January and spent most of the night by my side. At the end of the night after everyone had passed out and found a place to sleep we went to my bed and SLEPT together. No sex. No touching. But in the morning we were mucking around and started play punching each other and playing knuckles! I don’t know why. I thought it was odd for a guy to lie beside me all night and not make a move.

A month or so later we were out on the town with a group and by the end of the night he was walking me to a taxi then asked if I wanted to come to his place for a drink. I went and he poured his heart out to me about his pressures at work and family relationships etc. He told me some very personal stuff. Then we again shared a bed though this time we lay in each other’s arms all night. That’s all. In the morning he was strange and would not walk me to my car. He later apologized for rambling on about his problems all night. I told him I was happy to listen anytime.

Since then whenever we see each other out we are always friendly and he stays by me most of the night. Once again the other night we started mucking around and playing knuckles. My hand was quite sore the next day! I realize how ridiculous this sounds. We are both 26 for goodness sake! How embarrassing!

I never really see him chat up other girls. I know he respects me and I know I respect him. Maybe we are just meant to be friends but I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss him.

I am such a chicken and am unable to tell him how I feel. I don’t want to embarrass myself by making a move only to be rejected. If I knew he was keen I would though.
We share a lot of mutual friends and people like to talk… Do you think he likes me as more than a friend? Why hasn’t he made a move on me? I know you will tell me to tell him how I feel but I am seriously too scared to. What is your opinion and how can I tell if he is interested in being more than friends? Please help.
Thank you, Nat.

Hi Nat,
I bet this guy has a haphazard relationship with all the females in his family. He was the ‘good kid’ that treated everyone with respect but didn’t form relationships well as a youth.

Now, he’s got you to be the ‘nurturing type’. And you’re feeding this dependency by how you’re treating him.

He won’t make the first move, ever. He doesn’t know how. Unless in anger, which I bet he’s slow to boil too.

While this might feel good to you, you get to teach him how to be, he’ll end up using you because of his dependency and weakness in relationships.

You need to wait until he matures a lot more before going into a romantic relationship with this guy, unless you want to ‘mother’ him for the rest of your life.

Give him room to grow, keep as friends but back way off of any romantic feelings or you’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I just want to confirm that I am in a controlling relationship.

I have been married to my husband for 14 years. Dated him for 6 years before getting married, so we’ve been together for 20 years. We met in high school and he had always been a jealous guy. He was jealous of some of my male friends, not all of them. He would choose which ones he didn’t think I should be friends with anymore since I was with him now, especially my ex-boyfriend. He would expect me to ignore or be mean to my ex-boyfriend if we saw him in public somewhere to prove my loyalty to him. If I would go out with friends, he would ask me all kinds of questions like did I meet or dance with any guys.

I accepted all this because I thought we were young and he was just immature and would change as he grew up. So, we got married, had kids and everything was fine because I was home all the time with kids and working. Didn’t have time for anything else.

As the kids got older, I started having more freedom to be able to go out with friends again. It seemed like his jealousy from high school started again. He would call my cell phone at least 20 times while I was out. Or, call my girlfriend’s husband’s to really find out if I was out with the girls.

He did this all in subtle ways. Let me explain: when he called my cell phone several times, he would make excuses for calling, so it wouldn’t seem he was checking on me. Like he would say he couldn’t find something or tell me a friend called and he was giving me a message or wanted to know if I was safe and he was worried. When he called my friend’s husbands he would talk about other things with them and then gradually bring up something like “so, the girls are at so and so tonight, huh”? This way he would find out if I was really with them. He only called my friend’s husbands when I was out. Otherwise, he wasn’t friends with any of them. He would call me this much even when I was at the grocery store. I felt like I was being stalked. I felt creepy like I was being watched and he said he was just being a worried husband and I should be glad that he cares. If I came home late from work, he would call my whole family to find out where I was and make my family seem like I was irresponsible for not checking in with him. I only went to buy milk on the way home. He even had my 4 year daughter catching on to his behavior. She would wait by the door for me to come home from work and check the digital clock if it was after 5:00 and start crying if I was home past 5. He is very subtle in his ways. What I mean by this is he’s not loud or demanding toward me. It’s the things he would say, like “I’m a caring husband”, or maybe you’re clinically depressed and should see a doctor”, or “this is just the way I am, I worry too much”.

There’s a lot more but this is just some of the examples. We have money issues too which I think is part of his controlling nature. When I told him we need counselling, he would tell me to go alone and that I am the one with the problem because I can’t accept him the way he is. He thought my unhappiness was brought on by something medically wrong with me and even made my mother believe it. They both wanted me to go to a doctor to find out why I was feeling the way I am. She thought I was depressed. When I tell him I want to separate, rather than trying to make things work, he would threaten me and say he would keep the kids and that I shouldn’t try to find someone else because no one will accept me with all my kids.

Well, that was 4 years ago. We are divorced now and I am remarried. I never felt so much relief in my life after leaving him. Even though he never hit me or called me names, it’s the jealousy that made me feel creepy towards him. However, I am still feeling so guilty about the fact that my marriage failed and I let my kids down and my oldest (the one that would wait by the door when she was 4) thinks I left because I cheated on him. His whole family believes that even though I met my new husband after all this. I need to find a way to get over my guilt for getting a divorce. He makes me feel sorry for him for leaving. Is my guilt the result of staying in a controlling relationship for too long? I started to believe what I’ve been told all these years?

Thanks in advance for any encouragement you can give,
Ruth

Hi Ruth,
Yes, he was controlling you. His subtle ways became more obvious over time to you.
His jealousy and insecurity that you were too good for him led him to a level of jealousy that has it’s only output as control of the person you are with.
Control of where you are, who you are with, who you are allowed to speak with and even be friends with. Control of money, spending and even gift buying.

I am happy that you had the courage to endure and face the reality of your situation and end the abuse you suffered from your teen years until now. You have no reason to feel guilty about the divorce or how he tricked your family into believing the worse of you. That was all part of his control. His abuse. His uncontrolled jealousy.
You didn’t let anyone down, you did the best you could under the most difficult of situations.

I hope that your letter will bring encouragement to many other women out there in similar situations of abuse.
Thanks for writing me!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I have a question. I am a married woman… married for 3.5 years, and my husband and I are like no other married couple. We have sex about once every 2 months. (and I am the type that LOVES sex.. lots of sex lots of ways).

My husband is more conservative. I feel that sex is a huge part of a marriage, or any real relationship for that matter. We have talked about our lack of intimacy and we make lots of promises that are not met, (both of us, not just him). I lack daily compassion, apparently. He wants me to hug on him and be excited to see him everyday and give him lots of kisses, (he doesn’t do this stuff very often, mind you.
But he wants me to. To be honest, I HATE the way he kisses. Mouth WAY to far open.. open so far it blocks my nostrils. He also breathes through his mouth while doing this. What type of person would want to kiss someone like that. My problem is, we are married.

I do not desire a divorce. We have 2 kids, 2 cars and a new beautiful home and it would be a huge hassle I think to divorce. But I can’t live like this. I have only told you the tip of the iceberg…

My question is, how do you deal with something like this? And how do you tell a sensitive man that feels that he is a good kisser, that he is a bad kisser? A horrible kisser! Help please!!
Chris

Hi Chris,
It’s a fact that marriage does not mean you have great communication. You are not instantly the ‘best lover’ simply because you’re married.

You need to be open, communicate, show affection and be reasonable about the demands that you place on each other.

You cannot ask without giving and this is applicable in marriage, the bedroom, in all facets of our daily lives. There is no room for selfishness.

Since you have attempted to open these lines of communication by talking about what you feel are shortcomings on your husband’s part and you realize where your own shortcomings are, I’d suggest looking to get some tips on opening communication through other ways.

Get some “love cards” that are notes you can leave each other every day or two.
Get some adult games that allow you to be instructed on what to do in the bedroom.

And, most of all, be honest with your husband. If you don’t like his kisses, teach him how you want to be kissed. If he’s so self-conscious about being told what to do, sexually, you’re in for a long haul and counseling should be started ASAP. If he won’t go, you need to start alone. But I hope that he’s willing to learn, for your sake and his.

Guys that want to make their partners happy are willing to learn what it takes. Guys that are selfish aren’t willing to accept that they don’t pleasure their women and they should be left alone. Cut off from sex until they can accept that what they do isn’t what you want, sexually.

Showing affection on a daily basis should not be a hardship. A hug, an “I love you”, a special treat purchased for your partner when you go shopping… all of these are small tokens of affection that go a long way in keeping love alive.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
First off I think your a great guy doing what u do! I browsed through your web site and think its the best thing that happened for anyone to get advice on and seeing that others have the same kind of situations their in.

Well I’m sort of embarrassed to talk about my problem in what I’m having with this on and off relationship that I have. I’m 30, my so called bf is 37 and we’ve dated for 2 years. We have a 8 month old daughter that’s involved. Neither of us are married.

He does have 3 sisters and 1 brother that has kids. Well I don’t understand why he would want to constantly be there for his relatives kids that are the ages between 5 and up and not his own! It seems that he’s always there for his relatives, especially his mother, ignores my daughter and I with no phone calls or seems like he fell off earth, then when he’s done taking care of them that’s when he has time for my daughter and I. It’s very hurtful that he considers his 1st daughter last, only supports her when he feels like it. We used to live together but now separated due to arguing all the time and also would just constantly be running to his relatives and mother.

I know it’s ok to help family out once in a while or when there is a bad crisis but this happens everyday with him. Even when we lived together he wouldn’t come home to us first he be going to his mother’s house. It started to make me feel annoyed, and that I wasn’t the main priority to him. I feel as though he’s so attached to his mother and family that he doesn’t even know how to deal with his own here!

Another thing is when he’s in the wrong I get the blame! He calls me ” nuts, I create things in my head, that I need mental help, etc. I know I’m being verbally abused by him! I’m trying my best to keep up my self esteem and not to let him bring me down. I fear that if I take him to court that when he gets his visitation rights that he’ll abuse my daughter the same way, that’s why I don’t have anything to do with the court, we make plans for him to see his daughter but at least I still have more of the say so.

I don’t know what to do about the relative/ mother thing? He’s 37 and wants to move back in with his mother instead cause he knows then he wont have to work, sit in front of TV, cook, clean for his mother and babysit his sisters kids instead of working things out with us as a family! I’m confused cause I don’t want to be alone with our daughter but at the same time I’d rather be alone cause I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore.

There is so much more about him that I could write a book and continue to ask for help! I really do have more of a little boy here then a real man!!! Real Men take care of their responsibilities and always care for their family!!

But this was my main concern. I did read one of your articles about controlling guys and all the 12 statements match him. So I’m keeping my eyes out for someone that’s going to treat my daughter and I like their first priority! I no longer feel cared for or loved by this person! I wonder if this is still going to continue on and on with his nieces and nephews when my daughter get older to understand more things. If so i feel so hurt that she’s going to see her dad care more about the other kids then her! I would hate to see my daughter run and cry to me about him.
Looking forward for your advice~ ~ ~
Sincerely,
Susan

Hi Susan,
You’ve met a “man-child”. Someone that doesn’t need to grow up, take responsibility, make decisions that affect anyone but himself.

He won’t change, it’s really too late for him.
Blame his mother for being so protective of him that he never had to stand on his own two feet. And blame him for not having the courage to be a real man and shoulder the responsibility of his own life.

He’ll keep his family ahead of the one he’s created with you because:
- they aren’t his responsibility
- he can have all the good times and none of the hard times with his family and nieces/nephews
- they will take care of him but if he’s with you he has to take care of himself, you and the baby

You need to start thinking of yourself and your child first:
- get a court order for child support
- get a court order for supervised visits because the guy can’t be trusted

And realize that your relationship with him, outside of the responsibilities he has for your child, is over. He may try to protect himself by making small gestures of support, of visiting you and your child. But they will quickly end if you let him off the hook of the responsibility he now has. It’s time you made him prove himself. And you’ll see him attack you with anger. He’ll say that you don’t understand the pressure he’s under. He’ll work you from every angle to make everything your fault, not his. Don’t let him off the hook!

Get a lawyer, protect yourself.
You may need counseling to get over the coming rough spots, do it. For yourself and your child.
I wish you well,
Rob.