AdviceGeneral.com

Hi Rob,
I have been seeing Charlie* for about 5 months. Charlie* is and engineer and works late, which means its hard to see him regularly because of late shifts. Usually on his early days or days off we’ll get together for dinner or a drink. This results in an over night stay at his place. We have been sleeping together sexually for about 3 months and it is monogamous. I told him that I am attracted to him and his response was “I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I am interested in you.” What’s that mean and how am I supposed to act towards him?

I took the comment as us being friends with benefits. But friends don’t pay for dinner or drinks every time and refuse to take money when someone offers to help out with the bill. I am very confused with how he treats me. I am really into Charlie* and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m not pushy with it but I need a man’s advice on what to in a situation like this. Do I stick around and wait for him to see that I am relationship material or what? Or is it a lost cause and should I just remain friends?
-In a dilemma

Hi dilemma,
He won’t change, you need to.
Change boyfriends, that is.

And I wouldn’t even call him about it. You can be his big loss.

Guys that have ‘friends with benefits’ are the biggest users around. They get everything they want/need without caring how the other person actually feels. I bet you’ve had many sleepless nights wondering what’s going on while he beside you snoring away.

As for him paying the bills, that can be one of two things:
he realizes that he makes more money than you, so he pays, or
he figures it’s the least that he can do, to keep the benefits rolling in (without realizing that he’s practically prostituting you!)

You need to end this and find someone to settle down with, pronto.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I was wondering if I could have the chance to ask your advise?

I met this guy online about 5 months ago and he lives in Cairo, Egypt. Everyday for the past 5 months we talk faithfully online with Instant Messaging and we both have web cameras so we see each other, and we talk on the phone and also send letters to each other. I have met his parents and 2 brothers and sister-in-law, and niece, and I chat with them too.

Ok, my question to you is, I know that him and I come from 2 different worlds, which includes culture and religion. We have talked about this before and I don’t have any problems with this, I really think that I love him in my heart, and that he is my soul mate. I want to fly to Egypt in February or March 2007, and we want to get married. Do you think that I would be a fool to do this?? Or should I just go with what my heart feels?

I would appreciate your advise or opinion.
Thank you
Carol

Hi Carol,
Making such life changing decisions before you actually meet this guy in his world, in his lifestyle, is a mistake. You’ll be rushing love before you been know how he smells. Whether he chews his food with his mouth open. If he showers daily.

You need to do a lot of background research on his culture and religion and how women fit into this life you are possibly joining.
You need to know how you will be supported, if you will be needing to work.
You need to know if you will remain living where he is or you will return ‘home’ at some point.

If you do go and meet him face to face, and by all means do, keep the visit short, 7 days at the most. Have a hotel booked. Stay there yourself.
DO NOT go and be dependent upon him for travel, food, accommodations.
If he wants you to stay with him you will be dependent on him and things could easily turn bad.
Keep your passport in the hotel safe.
Be sure you have family and friends that you have told what is happening, that you will call at prearranged times during your visit.

Be careful and truth that he is the love you think he is.
But be prudent and have an escape plan if things don’t turn out.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Reader,
I’m often asked how someone can improve their online dating success.
How they can get more responses to their profile.
Why that, even though they’ve tried more than a few online services over the past couple of months, they aren’t getting any face-to-face dates.
Why the only replies they’re getting is from foreign women (or men) that end up asking for money.
And why the people that do send a reply to a message that they send is often a polite (sometimes not so nice) “Sorry, you’re not my type” answer.
When I ask to see the profile they currently have online I oftentimes see:
No photo;
Or a picture that is dark, grainy, poorly lit;
A photo that includes other people, pets, or weird circumstances.

When the profile asks you to write about yourself I find short impersonal sentences about themselves in the profile space provided;
Or corny standard lines that seem to come from a 1940’s movie;
Or almost nothing at all written to describe themselves that someone reading the profile would be interested in finding out more.

Where profile space is provided to describe their likes and dislikes so many things are talked about negatively that the person seems to be cranky, unfriendly, unadventurous, unromantic and complaining.

When asked to describe the type of person they want to meet, either through checkbox selections or a couple of written paragraphs, the ideal person is a fantasy person, not a flesh and blood person that also would want to meet you. Options are so limited in the type of person they are searching for that almost no one could read it and think themselves suitable to contact.

Have you seen yourself in the above?
Are you critical enough about yourselves that you can review your current online dating profile and see how it looks to visitors to your page?

Sure you are. But first read the tips I have for you, starting with “The Best Online Dating Tip of the World” is:

Smile.

That’s right, smile. Take a look at the photo you have on your profile right now and if it’s a smiling shot of your face (head and shoulders only) that’s well lit, no weird shadows under your eyes, ears and nose, then fabulous. We’ll have other areas to work on.
But if your photo isn’t a head and shoulders picture, if you’re not smiling, if it’s badly lit with shadows across your face then it’s time to get a new picture. Right? Right!
Do it right now. Or have a friend take a better picture of you soon and get it online pronto!
And keep in mind, most online dating services offer the capability of more than one photo, maybe a photo gallery, adding a video and voice message. Be sure to take advantage of these extra features where offered. But keep them simple, focused on yourself, and of course, smile!

Now, let’s talk about how you talk about yourself.
Read this:
Hi, Thanks for visiting with me. I’m a (man/woman) that has experienced a variety of outdoor activities such as camping, traveling, hikes and just plain old walking around where I live. I’m the type that enjoys challenges (non-life threatening of course!) as well as times that allow me to really unwind, relax and enjoy someone’s company.
I’m not a complainer, you’ll always enjoy conversations with me and see that I’m an understanding person, if you are too. Don’t bring me down!
I’m looking for someone that can share the challenges of life, leisure time and understands how to move forward with life, not backwards.
If you’re that person, let’s connect. I look forward to your message.

Or maybe you’re more like this:
Hi, you’ve found me! And maybe I’ll be able to find you too!
I’m a (man/woman) that likes the “little bit me/ little bit you” life. I enjoy indoor activities, working out at the gym, hanging out at home unwinding watching TV after a day of work. I don’t go out to movies a lot, I prefer to be at home, glass of wine in my hand, watching the latest releases.
Cooking is a friend to me and no one complains about my homemade pasta!
I like daytime activities such as shopping, visiting local places of interest and visiting with friends. In the night I can usually be persuaded to hit a club or a nice dinner out, as long as my PVR is working. Haha.
I share, not the bad parts of life, but have the fun joy of sharing company with someone that can appreciate the good in life, that doesn’t rant about the bad.
If this is you, I am looking forward to your first message.

Now then, how do those two examples compare to your own profile introduction?
A lot better, right?
I thought so.
It’s all in the way you open up to bare the bright parts of your personality. You have to create some interest in the things you do by explaining, lightly, where you find joy in your own life.
Negativity is not allowed. Ever. Never.

About your likes and dislikes section, or the part where you describe the ideal person you want to meet in your profile.
Keep it simple, interesting and try to not limit yourself overly in who/what you are looking for.
I’m not going to tell you not to be too specific if you want to be but keep this in mind: most people do not see themselves as you will see them. And you’ll never meet them if you are seemingly excluding them in the first place. And if you do meet them, whether through traded messages or in a first/coffee date, if they are not your type they may know a friend that is.
So keep your likes and dislikes simple.
Generally speaking, of course.
Now: Go Date!
Rob

Dear Rob,
I read some of the questions about the friends with benefits subject and have one myself.

Mine is a little different. I’ll call him ‘J’. We met around 8 years ago, online, we just started talking and eventually met up and became friends, the first night we hooked up but it didn’t go far. We talked a lot online and the phone, he would come over a lot and we would hook up, watch movies, he’d pass out, since he worked odd hours it would sometimes be at like 4am.

My friends all knew him, some of my family even met him. We would go periods when we wouldn’t hook up a lot and just hang out. If we saw each other out we would be fine talking as if we were friends, it was never odd for us, well at least for me it wasn’t.

Throughout the years we have both dated people, one of mine ended up serious for almost 4 years and we had a child together. After I was with this other guy I stopped talking to J but eventually did get a hold of him, told him about my daughter and stuff and he asked for a picture, I sent it, and got a response that said “she kinda looks like me, you sure it’s his?” It was kind of an odd question but I assured him yes.

We talked during my relationship and when we broke up it started all over again with me and J. He met my daughter, we would go over there and he never acted weird with her or anything.

He has done me numerous favors and anytime I call him he makes himself available to help me. Well not long ago the all time worst fear happened, we got pregnant! We both decided at the time it was not right for either of us, we were both back in school trying to get degrees, I had my daughter to handle, and mutually decided to abort the pregnancy.

He was there the entire time, went to the doctor’s office with me, talked to them about the risks and everything, for such a terrible situation he was as good as he could get! Even after, I assumed things would be different with us, but it wasn’t.

We did not have sex for awhile after, we would talk and fool around, but no sex. Of course eventually it moved on again, and we had sex. My feelings are changing for him, I am not sure how he feels at all, I mean over 8 years, we have never once spoke about that, we talk about other people we have dated and how it doesn’t work out and shit, but never about us. He saw me out once and I was talking to another guy who works with him and he came up behind me and grabbed me to start dancing, I almost took it as a sign of jealousy, but it could have just been coincidence.

I think to myself well if he wanted more wouldn’t he say so? But then again, I have not said a word or hinted to it either, so I am not sure. It’s not like he comes here we jump in bed and that’s it, he plays with the dog, we lay down together and watch tv, he’ll cook for me, we do the whole cuddling thing after, we kiss goodbye, it doesn’t seem like just sex, but I am afraid to say anything, because if he doesn’t want more, I am afraid of loosing him altogether!

I am not insecure, but I think it has just been so long with us this way, it would be weird to have it any other way. I don’t even know how to approach him about it, face to face, I could never do it! But I feel like a coward doing it through an email or anything!

So I guess I need a little advice from someone who doesn’t know us and how we are outside of our friends….what do u think?????
Thanks- Confused

Hi Confused,
I’m not sure exactly what you’re sure of losing here.

You’re seeing a guy, not exclusively, not with any expectations (in his head) and you’re not sure where this will lead?

After 8 years he knows that you’ll be there whenever he wants you!

Despite all best intentions, despite the friendship you have, he’s just not as involved in making the relationship stronger or more committed because he doesn’t have to!!
This is even truer because you don’t ask him!

Now is the time to either shit or get off the pot (to be frank about it).
You need a man in your life that will be a part of your family on a permanent basis. If ‘J’ isn’t the guy now, then you have to decide: him or someone else?

Do you keep things they way they are and hide your unhappiness with the status of your relationship?

Your daughter needs stability, not a part-time-friend-of-mommy’s that comes and goes in her life.

If you’ve gone though one traumatic experience with him (the abortion) and now your inner-self is crying for someone that will love you without conditions attached.

Now is the time to ask him about completing your relationship, making it solid, fulfilling and official through marriage.
If he says no, so be it… move on with your life. Stop letting him use you. You know what you’ll be in for, don’t you?
If he says yes, great, you can start planning a life and a family and a home.

What do you say to him? Be forthright.
“Hi J, I think that it’s time to find out if this semi-relationship is going to get more serious. I want to provide stability and a father for my little girl and I need a man that I can count on full-time to be here with me, married, picket fences, all that.
J, are you this guy?”

But you have to ask.

I honestly feel sorry for the position you now find yourself in.
But now is the time to move forward and live the life you certainly deserve.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I have just been reading into your advice on dating and relationships. Firstly I have to say, I am quite impressed. You seem quite knowledgeable. Despite this however, I feel I need advice on a more individually tailored level.

The situation is this. I am a 21 year old university student in my first year. I have met a girl who I have become quite interested in. She strikes me as being a very kind and friendly person, and has a very positive and bubbly attitude. I recognize the first step is to talk to her. This I have already done.
About one month ago I was trying to do something to rectify my tragic fashion sense. I figured the best advice I could get on this would be to ask the experts. So I decided to approach some girls and ask them if they knew where the best clothes shops where. She was one of them as it turns out. Then for the last month whenever I would pass her by or see her, she would smile or wave at me. Her manner would be quite shy as a general rule.
On the rare occasion I might even catch her looking at me, although I must admit, this doesn’t exactly happen a lot. Then last week, as I was contemplating the idea of approaching her, she approached me. Our chat was quite casual as you can imagine, and was interrupted by the arrival of her friends. From there I was a little left out of the conversation, although she did occasionally turn her attention back to me.

This leads me to ask you for advice on the matter.

My question is this. Is it possible she may like me? Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t blow my own trumpet. I recognize I don’t have classical good looks, and its fairly possible that there is that proverbial ‘tumour in my humour’. But, you never know, and I guess meeting a nice girl is something I haven’t completely given up on. I suppose I haven’t really given you much to go work with, so I will also ask you for a second piece of advice.

How can I find out if she likes me, without completely giving away my own feelings? I am in no mood for rejection anymore. I just need some kind of strategy to work out if my feelings are mutual or not, so that if in fact they are not, I can walk away with my dignity, and have saved face in the process.
I look forward to you reply.
Yours Sincerely,
Mike

Hi Mike,
She does like you and you don’t have to be so secretive and frightened…
Invite her to go fashion shopping with you, one-on-one and let that be the start to a wonderful romance.
Shopping, coffee somewhere…. An after-class snack break or two… fun local events to go to… once the ball starts rolling you’ll be fine.

And don’t be afraid of rejection here, unless you wait too long and she starts dating someone else because you seemed interested, then cooled off towards her.
Be more afraid of that little voice in your head that screams at you with each missed opportunity to ask her out. Being rejected is a whole lot better than never knowing what might have been.

All girls like a guy to ask them, not to “play games” about the first date and whether you like them or not.

The guy that makes the first move usually is the first guy to get the girl.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
I was in a relationship with a man for nearly 2 years that for many reasons I ended up taking for granted. Most of all I had certain traditional ideas in my head about what sort of man I “should be” with and he didn’t quite fit this model.

We were close, spent a lot of time together and talked everyday, however for the past few months I began to pull away and would avoid answering questions about where the relationship was going and where things stood because of residual issues that had begun to plague me re a past 7-year relationship. I had begun to feel terrible guilt about the way I ended that relationship and jumped straight into this one.

Despite these issues I was completely devastated when recently I discovered my guy had a drunken one night stand with a female ‘friend’. We had just enjoyed a happy week together.

He came clean and after a few days we talked and he said he was desperately sorry and that although it wasn’t an excuse he had felt frustrated and unhappy about that state of things for a long time – he wanted a commitment. I then opened up about how I’d been dealing with some residual issues from my past relationship (which he had suspected) and we talked openly for the first time in ages. I told him I had been in contact with my ex, but that it had been completely platonic.

This situation has made me realise how much I need to leave issues from my past relationship behind and how I would like a truly committed relationship with this man who I love.

If we truly love each other and decide that we both want a committed, faithful relationship with each other we can move forward to a fresh beginning?
Many thanks
Denise

Hi Denise,
Yes you can move forward to a committed relationship, but:
You both need to get personal relationship counseling.

I think that it’s great that you can both accept who you are and now take responsibilities for the things you have done, to yourselves and others.
But you are not too dependent and open enough to say that these issues (your ex, his cheating) won’t pop up again, and soon, and be the deal breakers that they are.
Head off the trouble that is coming your way and start seeing a professional counselor now. Find one today.

There can be no real ‘fresh beginning’ until the past is finally put to rest, for the both of you.

You are not committed, you’ve been in contact with your ex (of 7 years) to find out where things went wrong. Well, my dear, things went wrong when you played at commitment but could not get married to this man you spent so much time with. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and you refused, or felt ‘not ready’ for him. You avoided commitment then and you are avoiding commitment now, your current boyfriend (of 2 years) is allowing that fear to be his reason for cheating. Drunk or not (although I don’t think ‘drunk’ is a valid excuse at all!) his actions have been reprehensible.

If you want to make these adult relationships work, and you’re serious with someone, marriage should be on the tips of each of your tongues after the first 6 months of dating exclusively. For you, not so much. I have to think that you have some fears that hold you back. And your current boyfriend is just ‘along for the ride’ with you. But when the marriage train pulls in, he’s off to new encounters.

You didn’t say that you have any kids. I certainly hope not. Children need parents, two of them, a mother and a father that is committed to raising them right, in a safe home.
Maybe this is why? Are you running away from ‘settling down’?

I want you to start by reading a book that is available from the front page of my website “Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. It’s a real page turner and is an excellent read for people in relationship trouble that they alone caused. I do believe that you created this situation, this unhappiness with your current partner because, not of past unresolved issues, but because you cannot allow yourself to be happy now.

I want you to be happy.
Read the book, get couples counseling, move your life forward to the committed relationship you truly desire.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding.

At the same time she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiancé.
They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for Christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package.

She says that she loves this guy dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with her fiancé while she is also in love with this other guy. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can’t stop “When I’m with this guy I just can’t tell him no”.

What is a best friend to do? I can’t tell her anything, she won’t hear it. I tried to tell her that I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, that I can’t sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man.

But after telling her that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She says I’m judging her and abandoning her and that I’m just a fair-weather friend.
I don’t know what else to do. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?
- ExBestFriend

Hi ExBestFriend,
You really have an honest definition of friendship, don’t you?
You have tried to talk to your friend, your “Maid of Honor” about her cheating ways, to no avail.
You have stood by her while she cheats on her fiancé with another man that she says she also loves too much to give up.
You’ve done your best, much more than any friend I would ever suggest to get involved into.

When your best friend loses their way it’s a friends duty to suggest corrections to their behavior.
When your best friend starts to cheat in their romances and you’re aware of it, it’s time to lay down the laws of your friendship, tell your best friend to make the necessary changes to their life or lose your friendship.
She has put you in an impossible position. No doubt when her life crashes around her and she loses one or both of the men in her life she will come crying to you for consolation.
This is no longer your place.
You must end your friendship and let her ruin her own life without dragging you into her sordid mess of a life.

You are judging her. You are not abandoning her.
You are forcing her to look at the the choices she’s made and the lies she’s continuing to live with.
You are forcing her to make a choice if not between the two men in her life, at least to choose between your honest and open friendship and the lies she has surrounded herself with.
You are not a fair-weather friend, she’s placing her own selfish interests ahead of everyone else in her life.

Good for you for calling attention to the value of your friendship with her.
Stand by your convictions, your beliefs, your honesty.
Let her self-destruct without you.
Don’t help her to continue this lie.
Let this cheating trailer-trash have both her men and the failed life she is soon to encounter.

You help me to believe that there are still honest friends out there in this big bad, sad world of ours. True friends offer help, support and caring to others that need it. True friends don’t fight loosing battles for friendship when they know that the trouble lays with the choices the other has made and does not want to correct.

You will find another close friend that shares your attitudes about life, high standards and valued caring for those around you.
I wish you well,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
Okay, my boyfriend was married, YES, he had been faithful for 18 years. We “swept” each other off our feet. In one month we were living together, in one more, he had doubts and eventually decided he wanted his wife back. She didn’t want him. He moved out. We never stopped dating.

It is 13 months later. His divorce is final except for the 90 day waiting period.

We get along great. He is a wonderful man. He loves me. He just can’t seem to heal from the marriage breakup. He did go to a half dozen counseling sessions. He will not make plans with me further out than a month. He will not buy me little gifts, or say really special things to me.

He says he needs time.

I can’t believe how painful this is. I have been waiting 10 months now, and I want to wait longer because I love him so much. Am I crazy?

It is so illogical to me that he can’t move on and be with someone who is great for him.

We have tried multiple times to take breaks but he always calls me and I give in after 5-7 days.
Thank you,
Sally

Hi Sally,
While it’s not illogical for him to have a hard time moving on, I think that because of his recent actions, ending his marriage (whether by choice or because the wife didn’t want a cheating husband), filing and following through on the legal aspects of divorce and ultimately maintaining contact with you he shouldn’t be so confused as to where he heart lies.

Sadly, I feel that he is rediscovering himself right now, through this “finalization period” and he doesn’t feel that you’re the person to share his new life. He’s ‘rebounding’ from the excitement of the affair to the reality of being suddenly single and giving up all he had with his wife.

The excitement of the affair has turned into a crime with consequences. And he’d jump at the chance to reconcile with his wife.

You said that you’re tried to take “breaks” but then he calls you and you agree to see him, start dating, sleeping together, again. His uncertainty of his own future is driving your future into the ground!

He is using you while he goes through this “life transition”, a warm body to share his bed with when he feels the need.

It’s time to go beyond simple little breaks, it’s time to drop him like a hot potato before you get even more burned.

If you’re so great for him, he’d see it. He doesn’t.

He gives you no tokens of love and appreciation. He doesn’t whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Exactly what are you waiting for?

You’ve paid the price and he is who you got. And based on his actions, you’re not enough to hold his attention any longer.

Dump him. Let him grow up. Maybe in a few months you can get together again. But stop being his “warm body” while he decides where he wants to be. I really feel he doesn’t want to be with you.
And you could do so much better.
Best wishes,
Rob.