AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
I’ll get right to the point: I have major trust issues with my boyfriend of a year.

He has given me reason to distrust but we are working on it. He is a great guy but sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that he is hiding something.

Last night i snooped on his phone while he was asleep. I feel horrible about it but what I feel worse about is what i found. He was texting an old friend with a flirtatious “thinking of you” at 2:00am! I know of this friend and she supposedly knows of me. Her reply was simply, “thanks, i love you, i miss you.”

This broke my heart because I didn’t know what to think. There is every possibility that it could be friendly and every possibility that it could not. She lives in another city and I’m wondering if he has feelings for her but since she is gone, he doesn’t act on it.

I do not live with him but we are constantly together so I know there is no actual cheating, just unfaithfulness. I want to confront him real bad but I’m afraid to tell him I snooped. How should I do it? Should I do it at all? Am I over reacting? How can I make him see and understand how I feel without sounding like a crazy jealous, insecure girlfriend? thanks Rob.
Sandy

Hi Sandy,
If you want to ruin the situation you tell him from a cold start. But….

If you want him to come clean to you about what this girl means to him, ask him straight out, but like this “You know, I had a dream the other night and we were getting married and that girl you used to date showed up and you left with her. I was stranded at the altar. Are you hiding something from me?”
Just like that. Weird but to the point.

And let me tell you, if you have trust issues after 12 months of dating, there is more going on here that you talk about.

He’s hiding something, you just don’t know what. And you’re lying to yourself about what it might be, making excuses for him to yourself.

I hate to say “end the relationship” but give yourself a break… 12 months of dating and he’s communicating like that with his ex? He’s cheating on you, or at least he is “wishing” he was cheating on you. Because you’re together “every day” you give him no choice but to stay with you, but he doesn’t want you. Not totally.

You have to face up to this fact: he’s just with you until someone else comes along.

Start having a life that doesn’t include him. Be ”busy” once in a while, watch how fast he dumps you.

This will be a great test of your relationship: will he still date you if you aren’t “conveniently around” all the time?

Test him and act according to the results.
You need to know.
Best wishes,
Rob

Hi Rob,
I have never done this but its just been eating away at me lately.

I met this guy three years ago and we hit if off right away, as best friends, but six months later it turned into more, and we started going out. After a while though things got rocky and we broke up but stayed best friends and eventually fell right back into our relationship habits because he had been staying at my apartment as my roommate.

Anyway, it turned into a “friends with benefits” thing even though neither of us would call it that. We have now gone out and broken up five times now but this last time I had moved to Florida with him because he wanted me too and I did. But soon afterwards he dumped me again and he started dating someone else when I went home for my sister’s wedding.

When I got back I was angry and hurt and moved back home. But he kept calling me everyday while he was dating her and even more so after they broke up three months later. He came to visit three times and then talked me into coming up there twice. And once more we have slipped into the “friends with benefits” role even though I am still pretty bitter.

And I don’t know what to do. I love him and he is the best friend I have ever had and I don’t want to lose that, yet he has caused me more pain than anyone else emotionally.

He gets horribly jealous when another guy flirts with me or when I try to move on and date someone else but he cannot say he cares for me. Should I give it one more try? Or should I just suck it up and try to forget him and lose my best friend?
Thanks, Messed Up.

Hi Messed Up,
You’re right to question this relationship because it’s not a healthy one. There is nothing “two-way” about what you have here. Multiple breakups and continually making yourself available to this guy tells me that you need to work on your self-confidence, your inner strength, and stop being so dependent on someone so controlling and destructive.

This guy fits the controlling profile type to a T. And, he’s using you for sex.
His jealousy tells me that he wants what he wants and will fight everyone, even you, to get it. This isn’t love, heck, it’s barely friendship. He has you under his control and uses whatever he can to keep you there.
He’s going to be a heck of an abuser later on, if he hasn’t hit you already he sure knows your buttons to push to keep you under his control.

I suggest you distance yourself from him and keep him away. Break all contact. Don’t let him waste more of your life away.
He’s not really a friend, he’s someone you’ve been intimate with, on his terms only, and that will never change. Never let someone else have such control over you because when the light finally comes on you’ll find that you really have wasted those months or years with a control freak that never considered your feelings.

You know by the tone of your letter that you need to break up with him once and for all.
And you’re right!

So do it.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I could really use some advice on this one.

I dated my ex-boyfriend exclusively for a little over a year. Prior to our intimate relationship, we were friends ever since the eighth grade. I will be twenty in February. I was the one who broke it off during the summer of last year. I had plans for myself to go away to school and I wanted to know what it felt like without him at my side.

I am young and very independent!
He was one of the reasons why I decided to stay at home for the first year. I feel madly in love with him and then I broke his heart. We did not speak to each other very much throughout the 8 months that has passed but I never stopped thinking about him.

This New Years, I ran into him and his new girlfriend! I was so polite and sweet to the both of them but I was crying and jealous on the inside.
I still have feelings for him, I still love him and I know he does too. We talked and he said he will always be in love with me but he will not dump his new girl and run away with me.

That wasn’t the answer I wanted.
I even tried to kiss him and he wouldn’t kiss me back. It hurts. He was the first guy I ever loved. We knew each other so well that we would finish each others sentences. And how he made me laugh… I gave so much of me to him, why won’t he forgive me and give me another chance? What do you think?
Lost

Hi Lost,
For good or bad, you made your choice last year. Now you have to live with it. If he were to leave his current girlfriend just to be with you again because “you miss him” you’d be a home-breaker and he’d be an ass.

He’s living with your decision and moved on, so should you.
You said he was your first intimate partner. That’s why there are those jealous feelings involved. You made a mistake then being with him and are also living through that mistake now that you’re not together.

Again, he’s moved on, so should you.

There are plenty of guys out there, I honestly hope that you’ll find another with such high standards.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
My fiancé and I split about 2 weeks ago, we had been going out for two and a-half years and everything was going great until around 7 weeks ago when her dad died. Unfortunately she found her dad dead in the house, she organized everything funeral etc, and I tried to balance being there for her and giving her the space she needed but despite all of that she seemed to be coping fine.

She had to give up the house and is now staying with her half-sister and her boyfriend and she does not get on with her mum whom had split with dad sometime ago. The fiancé and I had talked about her moving in with me even before her dad died, and after wards she knew she was more than welcome to stay, but about 3-4 weeks after the funeral she seemed to spend less time with me, I’d ask her down for supper etc., but she was always doing something else, especially with her best pal. She called me last week and told me “she didn’t want this right now” and I hadn’t done anything wrong, and finished it.

I’m gutted, IS IT me? Is it due to her Dad’s death? What should I do as she’s told me to stay in touch……. help.
Regards R.

Hi R,
It sounds like you dropped the ball. She didn’t get the support she needed from you at a critical time in her life. By giving her space, you actually let her down, I would think. You didn’t say if her ‘best pal’ was male or female and that can make a difference. I would have hoped that you’d have been picked as her ‘best pal’ to get her through this event in her life (her father’s death) and that’s where you lost her. You weren’t there.

Your goal now is to get back in touch with her. 2 and a half years isn’t something that is easily dismissed.
She needs to feel that you will be there for her and you’ve got to start acting like you will be there.

Start off with sending her some flowers or some other small gift that says you are thinking of her. Invite her out for a quiet dinner and a long talk about what has happened and your future together. If she doesn’t come with some solid answers, you’ll know that it’s time to move on. Don’t just hang around because she wants you to be near her and available. That’s just a weak excuse to drop you for a second time down the road.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I read your website and was interesting to me to see that a lot of people have asked you advice on relationships and I was impressed with the advice you gave them. I just went through a very difficult time in my life and I want to tell you what happened and hope that you can give me some advice, please.

I use to live in Illinois from 2002-2004. I had lived in Florida my whole life, but then I had moved to live in IL with my brother who was there for work. Well, in 2004 I decided to move back to Florida to finish my Bachelors degree since it was cheaper. When I left in 2004 my guy cousin decided that he was going to move up to IL and live with my brother so he could study for his medical boards there with my brother. So, I was living in Florida studying for my Bachelor’s degree and a year later I decided to go up to IL to visit my brother for his birthday and all my friends were planning on meeting up with us that night for my brother’s birthday.
Well, my cousin who had moved in with my brother was there as well and he had told me that there was this guy (my ex- “N”) he had met when he moved up to IL and he wanted me to meet him, because he was a great guy and he was a lot of fun and he felt that we were a lot of like and would click well together.
So, I got to know this guy that he introduced me to and him and I ended up doing long distance for 14 months. During those months we had been deciding whether I was going to be moving back up to IL so that him and I could be together or if he was going to move to Florida. “N” (my ex) is originally from Florida, he had just moved up to IL when he met my cousin, it was a coincident that I had just left IL to go back to FL and he did the opposite. Well, anyways, I knew that it would be best for me to move to IL since he didn’t have a college degree and had a great job that was paying him really good for having no degree. He was in the IT industry and he enjoyed what he did.

Well, to make this long story shorter:
I ended up moving to IL for him after our long dreadful 14 months of long distance. When I moved up there 3 weeks later he flew me to Colorado with him and proposed to me there in the mountains, it was very romantic. Everything was going good, before I had even moved up to IL.
I’ll be honest we had some problems, things between him and I just weren’t like they use to be the first 7 months of dating. Well, when I moved in with him in IL things slowly got worse. We argued all the time and when we did I always found myself apologizing even if it wasn’t my fault. Just, because I got tired of trying to get him to realize where he was wrong, so I would just say “I’m sorry” so we wouldn’t argue anymore.
He always had this theory that he had told me once before “I’m always right until proven wrong” – Yeah we’re not close minded are we ? Not only did he tell me that, but his mom had already warned me that “he thinks he knows it all” I already knew that he was a stubborn person, because when we would get into arguments he would always try to prove his point and he ALWAYS knew how to twists things up to make it seem like he was not wrong, he was very good at manipulating me. I would get so tired of that, but I still kept holding on to what we have especially since we were planning on getting married.

I always thought that the reason why him and I would argue when were long distance was because we were frustrated that we couldn’t’ be together when we wanted to be.
But, then when we lived together, what was the excuse then? It’s crazy because a week before I was moving to IL, I cried to my roommate that I was afraid things wouldn’t work out. She told me that if they didn’t at least I can always move back home. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t’ have moved and had listened to my own instincts.
Living with him was an up and down roller coaster ride. One day he was a sweet heart the next day he would make me feel like crap, he would put me down, but would act as if it was normal. He told me once that I had to workout because I looked like I was starting to gain weight, meanwhile I weighed 108lbs. not fat at all.
He’s told me that he felt that he cooked better then me, that I didn’t know how to dress with fashion, the way I walked, he asked me “if the university I graduated from was easy?” pretty much trying to tell me I wasn’t smart.
He just turned out to be someone I didn’t know when I moved to IL, he had changed so much, or maybe that was who he really was. Does it sound like maybe he was insecure? And maybe he said and did those things to feel better about himself. We even got into an argument once and he punched the wall.
We were suppose to be getting married 2 weeks ago and I still have a wedding dress I need to sell.
It’s been so hard. I don’t know what I can do to “let it go and move on” can you give me any advice as to why you think this happened, maybe we moved to fast, maybe we just really weren’t compatible, what can I do to move on and not feel that every guy I see now I feel like it would be hard for me to trust them.
How will I know the next person I meet won’t put on a front before I get to really know who he is and then realize that I don’t like the real him?? HELP me please! I feel really alone with this.
Thank you!
Suzy

Hi Suzy,
I am very sorry that things didn’t work out for you but I am deeply relieved that you didn’t marry this narcissistic, controlling sociopath.

You’re going to have good days, bad days and days of complete joy.
I know, I’ve been there.

I want you to understand that the choices you made in the past were based on the best information that you had at the time (with some romantic ideas thrown in for good measure) and it turned out that the information you had about your fiancé was flawed.
He lied and manipulated you from the beginning.
He wasn’t in love with you as much as he wanted to control you. To own you. To blame you for his own inadequacies and lack of self-esteem in being a man.
And you escaped. You should be proud of yourself.
Many other women find out too late about this type of man. They stick through several years of marriage, eventually coming to the conclusion (or never) that they are being abused. And they are trapped. Beaten and worse.

From this point over I order you to be over him. Sell off and throw out every little thing the two of you purchased together.

Stay single for the next few months. No dating until the fall. This will give you a summer to experience being single again. No rebound romances allowed.

The next guy you meet you will be aware of any efforts he makes to change you. If he cannot accept you as you are, head for the hills!
Any guy that demands change in the woman he is dating, the woman he loves, is not a real man. He’s a little boy in a man’s body, surrounded by insecurity and no self-esteem.
A real man is accepting, changes for the woman in her life and does not demand change in her.
Chivalry is not dead, it’s just on an MTV hiatus. A Rap music video is the worse education in the world for boys and men to learn how to relate to women and yet this is where we are in the 21st century.
Understand that you cannot change a man. Despite your best wishes (emotional and romantic involvement notwithstanding) the package you see is the package you get.

The basic test of challenging a man is the way to first make an effort if he is controlling or not. If he is an acceptable representation of being a real man.

Your test includes (but is not being limited to),
During the first few dates:
Changing plans of a date: suggest a different restaurant, a different movie at the last minute before the date starts. His response will give you insight of his controlling personality.
Ask him what you should wear for a date, when he is with you at your place. Let him choose between three different outfits. His responses will let you know how interested he is in how you are dressed with him.
(Insight: I don’t let my wife dress inappropriately for our dates, but I only allow myself to comment when asked. Her style isn’t always mine but I have learned to let her express herself in the way she dresses and wears her hair. And I take joy in knowing that she dresses to look good ‘for me’ and me alone every time. And I try my best to dress so that she takes pride in me.)

As you start to get involved, past the fourth date, does he pressure you for sex? There should be no sexual involvement until at least after the two month mark. I’d prefer to admit keeping sex until after marriage. Giving of yourself in this way should be saved for the real commitment of life and a future together which marriage represents, but all too often sex is just a using of each other’s bodies that doesn’t mean anything more than the grunting of bedroom partners. Avoid being used in this way always.
Does he talk down to you?
Does he hold intelligent conversations with you?
Does he respect your opinions or does he belittle you?
Do you do the same?

You should be introduced to his family, and him to yours, at about the sixth to eighth date. Location permitting.
And in this day and age if distance is a factor, make the effort. Holiday weekends spent with family (even if you have to stay in a hotel for convenience sake) is when this should happen, before events thrust you, him and the family together.
Are you involved enough in his life that you know his family?
Are you accepted by his family.
Does he put his family before you?
Do you do the same?

Should you decide to move in together you must decide on a contract that spells out not only the financial aspects of paying for your home, food and household expenses but also what will happen should this roommate arrangement not work out. How will things be divided, who keeps what.
Making an intelligent financial arrangement prior to sharing living space is an absolute must and will also foreshadow your future life together.

Should you manage to remain together after two years there should be a frank discussion of marriage. Or should there be a pregnancy marriage plans made immediately.
The both of you must prepare for your future family together, with marriage contract in hand. Or your life needs to start being planned apart, with all legal ramifications being dealt with as adults.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
I need your help on this one.
Well here is the situation:

I know this girl from high school, you know we when to high school together and even to the same college. But we were nothing more than friends through those years.

When I graduated in 2004 I hadn’t seen her since until now this past September in 07. We started dating.

Everything was great, I was really interested in her and she was felt the same way. The problem is that we both lost kind of interest on each other. This just happen three weeks ago.

We talked and decide to be just friends again. We both agree on that and that was it.

The next day she was texting me in the morning just to say good morning and later throughout the day she’d send other text messages just to find out how my day was going so far.

Well I have to admit that at first I did not want to reply back because we decide that we are just friends. I didn’t want to be rude so I did reply to some of her texts.

Anyway this continued for the rest of the week until I decided not to reply back but she still sends text messages every other day. Now I am at the point of whether or not to mention something to her in regards that I no longer want to talked to her or text message her.

So my question is Why is this girl keeps calling and texting after we broke up?
Please help on this one. I’m kind of confused.
Thank You,
Mike

Hi Mike,
I think it’s the fact that you were her only confidant while you were together. Now she doesn’t want to lose that security even if you’re not dating any more.

She just can’t let go but she doesn’t want to have what she wanted, you.

These are usually the types of girls that end up being abused by their boyfriends/husbands because they need so desperately to be loved that they’ll take any type of punishment as justified.
And don’t get me wrong, she is punishing herself by staying in contact with you.

Even if you don’t reply the answer to her texts and calls are in her head.
She keeps the story alive in her mind.

Just stay silent. She will find a guy to throw herself at and you’ll finally be out of the picture but my guess is that it’ll take about 6 weeks.
Email me then and let me know how things are going.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My situation is probably a bit different than what you have heard.

I know for a fact that I am in a relationship with a controlling (verbally) boyfriend. I left him — for what I thought was for good — but then realized that I was pregnant with his baby and for some reason that I will never understand, I freaked out and went back out with him because I didn’t know what else to do.

This was 3 months ago.

Now, I realize that wasn’t the smartest choice. The most recent time I tried to break it off, he cried and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness, saying the last thing he wants is our relationship to be like his mom and birth dad’s (his mom divorced his birth dad when he was 2 months old because his birth dad was physically abusive).

My question now for women is:
1) What is the best/safest way to get out of a controlling relationship, and
2) How the heck do I get out now that I’m pregnant?!

I know I need to! I desperately need your help because I have no idea how to break it off for good and safely. (He has a history of severe anger..)
Mary-Ann

Hi Mary-Ann,
The best and safest way is to end it quickly and move out with a pre-planned plan when he is not there.

You should have an arranged safe place to go to… your parents, a trusted friend, a shelter for women.

If this is not possible make your move suddenly, take what you can, come back for anything else in a couple of weeks. Send a friend, family member… just not yourself alone.

You may need a restraint order, or an order of protection. The local court house will help you with this, or the police, there are public services that you need to use when needed.

Change the passwords and email accounts on everything.
Change or cancel cell phone plans.

Get your postal mail forwarded to a rented postal box, not your new address.

Cancel any joint accounts and bills that are in both your names: credit cards, electricity, phone bills, cable bills. Whatever. If the rental lease is in your name, see if you can get your name off it… understand the cost to break the lease but don’t let that stop you. Your own safety is worth more than any dollar amount. Stop using anything that is in his name only.

You’ll need financial support for your child but that is best handled by lawyers that are familiar with the family court system.

Keep a journal of everything that has happened, a daily diary. Leave nothing out. Abusive events… times when your safety was questionable… witnesses, police reports. Write everything down, every day, all the time. Write it on paper, write it online, tape record yourself, whatever it takes to keep a consistent record of your life, from this moment forward, your recent past… and right now as you read my email.

Your greatest strength on leaving him is in your support system: family, friends and local support facilities. Know them, and use them when needed.

You can do this, you’ve made the first step, you’ve reached out to me.
Make the next step, plan your safety route. And take it.
I wish you well,
Rob.