AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
My name’s Diana.

Me and my first love got back together after being apart for 4 years. He cheated on me. We got back together about 2 months ago.

He’s cheated on me again with his ex-girlfriend. He told me so many lies about him not wanting her, her not meaning anything, and all the other bullsh*t. He still tries to get back with me, saying that he loves me and that it won’t happen again.

He said that when him and her were having sex he stopped it, and told her that it was all about me. I know that has to be bullsh*t for real. What guy would stop having sex?

He told me that he told her that he loved me, blah blah blah. But, he cheated on me. He lied to me more than 15 times, telling me that nothing was going on and that he would never do me like he did in the past.

He basically did the same thing. When we first started talking I was only 14 years old. He said that he cheated because I was young and we couldn’t spend time together, and he could have went to jail.

But, why would he talk to me?? He is basically a piece of crap and I want him out of my system terribly. Yet, even though he did that to me, I’m still in love with the trick. I don’t understand why. Please give me some advice (Maybe God can speak through you!).
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
I hate to be the one to break the news but you’ve been used and used badly.
And you keep coming back for more.

Let’s look at what you told me:
- You were 14 when you started dating this guy. Obviously he’s older, maybe by more than a couple of years. He may even been a statutory rapist for all I know.
- Whenever he had the chance, when you weren’t available for what he wanted, he found a girl that he could get what he wanted from. He not only cheated on you but he cheated on these other girls too.
- He never took your relationship seriously but he does know how to manipulate you into getting what he wants.
- He knows how to lie to you, to apologize to you and to get you in a frenzy enough that you want him back no matter what he’s done.

Now let’s look at what I read between the lines:
- You’re not old enough and you’re not responsible enough to make any right choices that affect the rest of your life.
- You think that you’re following your heart but you’re only following the emotions of the moment that blind you to the reality of what’s really happening.
- You’re willing to give yourself justification by forgiving him because you think it’s right but you don’t actually see how he is manipulating you.
- You know that this is a bad relationship and you also know that your parents wouldn’t like it so you hide this from them, likely lying about what’s going on in your life.
- I’ll even bet that the majority of your friends don’t like this guy and you’ve probably even lost friends by putting this guy first.

What you need to know about guys:
Guys think logically. 2 + 2 equals 4. Red and yellow mix up to make green. Lies are allowed until caught and then you can probably talk yourself out of trouble by throwing in the words “love, forgive, it won’t happen again, it’s not a big deal, she didn’t mean anything” and such.
Guy’s can sense when they can manipulate girls. And they’ll do it as often as they can get away with it. They know that a ‘girl in love’ will forgive time and time again because the girl is such an emotional cripple around him that he can say almost anything, promise anything and get forgiveness and another opportunity.

What you need to do:
Understand that you’re not going to think logically about this. Your emotions will dictate your responses every time the guy comes around and that’s not a good thing. You’ve got to step back a minute and look at this logically. Put your emotions in check. Realize that you’re being used, being played and being kept at a disadvantage in this relationship.

You need to cut yourself off from this guy. No more contact. Hang out with friends your own age and stop being such a doormat for this guy.

Grow up, stay single and learn about yourself before you share yourself with another, any, guy. Give yourself at least the next 12 months off from dating or any serious involvements.

You wanted advice? You’ve got it.
And for goodness sakes talk to your parents about your life.
Letting crap like this happen to you then needing advice from a stranger online can’t have been your only option here. I’m glad to be able to offer you advice but you’ve got to talk this out with someone closer to you (just not him!).
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I am in love and the guy I am in love with says he loves me too. He says when I am sad and crying, he cries too.

He says he was thinking about killing himself, but once he knew he loved me, he said he stopped. Today, he was really grumpy and mean, and it seemed like he didn’t care about me or what I said or did!

Does he really love me, or is he just saying that? Please Email me back!
Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,
He’s lying to you to get something from you.

I’d break off with him and avoid him until he matures.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I just want to confirm that I am in a controlling relationship.

I have been married to my husband for 14 years. Dated him for 6 years before getting married, so we’ve been together for 20 years. We met in high school and he had always been a jealous guy. He was jealous of some of my male friends, not all of them. He would choose which ones he didn’t think I should be friends with anymore since I was with him now, especially my ex-boyfriend. He would expect me to ignore or be mean to my ex-boyfriend if we saw him in public somewhere to prove my loyalty to him. If I would go out with friends, he would ask me all kinds of questions like did I meet or dance with any guys.

I accepted all this because I thought we were young and he was just immature and would change as he grew up. So, we got married, had kids and everything was fine because I was home all the time with kids and working. Didn’t have time for anything else.

As the kids got older, I started having more freedom to be able to go out with friends again. It seemed like his jealousy from high school started again. He would call my cell phone at least 20 times while I was out. Or, call my girlfriend’s husband’s to really find out if I was out with the girls.

He did this all in subtle ways. Let me explain: when he called my cell phone several times, he would make excuses for calling, so it wouldn’t seem he was checking on me. Like he would say he couldn’t find something or tell me a friend called and he was giving me a message or wanted to know if I was safe and he was worried. When he called my friend’s husbands he would talk about other things with them and then gradually bring up something like “so, the girls are at so and so tonight, huh”? This way he would find out if I was really with them. He only called my friend’s husbands when I was out. Otherwise, he wasn’t friends with any of them. He would call me this much even when I was at the grocery store. I felt like I was being stalked. I felt creepy like I was being watched and he said he was just being a worried husband and I should be glad that he cares. If I came home late from work, he would call my whole family to find out where I was and make my family seem like I was irresponsible for not checking in with him. I only went to buy milk on the way home. He even had my 4 year daughter catching on to his behavior. She would wait by the door for me to come home from work and check the digital clock if it was after 5:00 and start crying if I was home past 5. He is very subtle in his ways. What I mean by this is he’s not loud or demanding toward me. It’s the things he would say, like “I’m a caring husband”, or maybe you’re clinically depressed and should see a doctor”, or “this is just the way I am, I worry too much”.

There’s a lot more but this is just some of the examples. We have money issues too which I think is part of his controlling nature. When I told him we need counselling, he would tell me to go alone and that I am the one with the problem because I can’t accept him the way he is. He thought my unhappiness was brought on by something medically wrong with me and even made my mother believe it. They both wanted me to go to a doctor to find out why I was feeling the way I am. She thought I was depressed. When I tell him I want to separate, rather than trying to make things work, he would threaten me and say he would keep the kids and that I shouldn’t try to find someone else because no one will accept me with all my kids.

Well, that was 4 years ago. We are divorced now and I am remarried. I never felt so much relief in my life after leaving him. Even though he never hit me or called me names, it’s the jealousy that made me feel creepy towards him. However, I am still feeling so guilty about the fact that my marriage failed and I let my kids down and my oldest (the one that would wait by the door when she was 4) thinks I left because I cheated on him. His whole family believes that even though I met my new husband after all this. I need to find a way to get over my guilt for getting a divorce. He makes me feel sorry for him for leaving. Is my guilt the result of staying in a controlling relationship for too long? I started to believe what I’ve been told all these years?

Thanks in advance for any encouragement you can give,
Ruth

Hi Ruth,
Yes, he was controlling you. His subtle ways became more obvious over time to you.
His jealousy and insecurity that you were too good for him led him to a level of jealousy that has it’s only output as control of the person you are with.
Control of where you are, who you are with, who you are allowed to speak with and even be friends with. Control of money, spending and even gift buying.

I am happy that you had the courage to endure and face the reality of your situation and end the abuse you suffered from your teen years until now. You have no reason to feel guilty about the divorce or how he tricked your family into believing the worse of you. That was all part of his control. His abuse. His uncontrolled jealousy.
You didn’t let anyone down, you did the best you could under the most difficult of situations.

I hope that your letter will bring encouragement to many other women out there in similar situations of abuse.
Thanks for writing me!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I have never done this but its just been eating away at me lately.

I met this guy three years ago and we hit if off right away, as best friends, but six months later it turned into more, and we started going out. After a while though things got rocky and we broke up but stayed best friends and eventually fell right back into our relationship habits because he had been staying at my apartment as my roommate.

Anyway, it turned into a “friends with benefits” thing even though neither of us would call it that. We have now gone out and broken up five times now but this last time I had moved to Florida with him because he wanted me too and I did. But soon afterwards he dumped me again and he started dating someone else when I went home for my sister’s wedding.

When I got back I was angry and hurt and moved back home. But he kept calling me everyday while he was dating her and even more so after they broke up three months later. He came to visit three times and then talked me into coming up there twice. And once more we have slipped into the “friends with benefits” role even though I am still pretty bitter.

And I don’t know what to do. I love him and he is the best friend I have ever had and I don’t want to lose that, yet he has caused me more pain than anyone else emotionally.

He gets horribly jealous when another guy flirts with me or when I try to move on and date someone else but he cannot say he cares for me. Should I give it one more try? Or should I just suck it up and try to forget him and lose my best friend?
Thanks, Messed Up.

Hi Messed Up,
You’re right to question this relationship because it’s not a healthy one. There is nothing “two-way” about what you have here. Multiple breakups and continually making yourself available to this guy tells me that you need to work on your self-confidence, your inner strength, and stop being so dependent on someone so controlling and destructive.

This guy fits the controlling profile type to a T. And, he’s using you for sex.
His jealousy tells me that he wants what he wants and will fight everyone, even you, to get it. This isn’t love, heck, it’s barely friendship. He has you under his control and uses whatever he can to keep you there.
He’s going to be a heck of an abuser later on, if he hasn’t hit you already he sure knows your buttons to push to keep you under his control.

I suggest you distance yourself from him and keep him away. Break all contact. Don’t let him waste more of your life away.
He’s not really a friend, he’s someone you’ve been intimate with, on his terms only, and that will never change. Never let someone else have such control over you because when the light finally comes on you’ll find that you really have wasted those months or years with a control freak that never considered your feelings.

You know by the tone of your letter that you need to break up with him once and for all.
And you’re right!

So do it.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I am having trouble getting my boyfriend of five years to leave.

I need help with what to say to him to put the fire under his butt. I told him a two weeks ago that it wasn’t working out anymore and that I think we both should move on. He has no job and no money to move out. I own the house and everything in it.

I am keeping from him the fact that I have been seeing someone else, but I do not want to hurt him anymore than I already have. I guess he was totally shocked when we had our talk.

I am not sure how when we’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for months now. We have always been more of friends. I care about him and don’t want to hurt him, but I also want him OUT!

I don’t know what to say to get things rolling. Any advice? A way to kindly tell him it would be better for both of us if he moved out ASAP? I would appreciate any help at all.
Thanks, Anon

Hi Anon,
Out means out. Tell him a definite deadline of a day or two to pack up and move out.

He moves his stuff out or you will put it all in storage. Be strong!

You said you’ve already had your ‘talk’ so saying it kindly anymore isn’t the way.

The longer you put this off the longer he gets to sponge off of you and maybe even think that you’ll get back together.

As well, once he’s gone change the phone message and change your locks.

Never, ever, try to ease into the transition of being ‘not together’ by agreeing to continue to share living space and expenses. Doing this gives the partner you have broken up with excuses and possibilities to believe that you are just going through a hard time and may change your mind and get back together after a while. Don’t give this false hope a chance to be created in your now ex boyfriend. Make the breakup as fast and complete as possible.

This situation is an all-too-common happening in today’s world. Because it’s such a usual situation to move in together, create the beginnings of a life together without the actual commitment of marriage, when the breakup occurs and besides the hurt feelings, there remains the financial dependency that was one of the reasons to move in together in the first place.

If you’ve lived together longer than a year, there also could be far-reaching financial obligations if you’ve been the main support of your partner. I always suggest that you have a contract detailing what should happen should you breakup, if marriage is not in the picture.

When the move-out is required, who stays, who becomes responsible for which bills. This can be a real messy situation which, if not planned for, could cause you grief for years.

Living together and then breaking up, should be a complete removal of one or both people from the living space. Quickly. Division of property and financial obligations can be handled over the coming month as bills come in. Just be sure to stop paying the bills you are not responsible for and see a lawyer if needed.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I could really use some advice on this one.

I dated my ex-boyfriend exclusively for a little over a year. Prior to our intimate relationship, we were friends ever since the eighth grade. I will be twenty in February. I was the one who broke it off during the summer of last year. I had plans for myself to go away to school and I wanted to know what it felt like without him at my side.

I am young and very independent!
He was one of the reasons why I decided to stay at home for the first year. I feel madly in love with him and then I broke his heart. We did not speak to each other very much throughout the 8 months that has passed but I never stopped thinking about him.

This New Years, I ran into him and his new girlfriend! I was so polite and sweet to the both of them but I was crying and jealous on the inside.
I still have feelings for him, I still love him and I know he does too. We talked and he said he will always be in love with me but he will not dump his new girl and run away with me.

That wasn’t the answer I wanted.
I even tried to kiss him and he wouldn’t kiss me back. It hurts. He was the first guy I ever loved. We knew each other so well that we would finish each others sentences. And how he made me laugh… I gave so much of me to him, why won’t he forgive me and give me another chance? What do you think?
Lost

Hi Lost,
For good or bad, you made your choice last year. Now you have to live with it. If he were to leave his current girlfriend just to be with you again because “you miss him” you’d be a home-breaker and he’d be an ass.

He’s living with your decision and moved on, so should you.
You said he was your first intimate partner. That’s why there are those jealous feelings involved. You made a mistake then being with him and are also living through that mistake now that you’re not together.

Again, he’s moved on, so should you.

There are plenty of guys out there, I honestly hope that you’ll find another with such high standards.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I am having a little trouble here, and I desperately need advice, alright, here it goes.

I am in love with my best friend’s boyfriend, me and him have dated before and I can’t control this jealousy. I want him back so badly but I don’t know if I should go there. He likes me and I like him, but is booting my best friend outta the picture and putting me into her place in my attempt to light an old flame a good idea, if so how do I do it?
Desperately in love

Hi Desperately,
You’ve been kicked to the curb once and now you want to give him the chance to do it again?

Don’t go there.
Don’t be jealous, be unforgiving.

And find someone else to date, if you have to date.
Maybe you should be single for a while…..
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I am graduating from college this year, and I am planning on making a cross-country move. My boyfriend (of two years) does not want to move anywhere for at least a few years.

I don’t want anything to do with a long distance relationship (I’ve done it before – it’s not a good fit for me. I would rather be single than have a boyfriend who is not actually with me). In addition, when I think about the future, I know that our opinions vary greatly on certain topics (marriage, children, religion) that are of importance to me. I know for sure that I have to end the relationship to be fair to both myself and to him.

My problem is that I have been with him for so long and had so many great experiences… and we haven’t had many bad ones. There isn’t a huge “bad” thing that makes me want to break up with him. I love him, and I am happy with him now, and I don’t want to hurt him. I know that hurting him is inevitable in this situation, but I still have to do what I know will be the right thing. I will certainly be honest with him when I tell him why I think this is the best idea. But is there a way to tell him that is less hurtful than other ways? Is there a way that is more hurtful? I want to make it as nice as possible, as my feelings for him remain – just not the potential for a future.
Thanks

Hi,
As the song goes “Breakin’ up is hard to do”…
There is no good way to break up. Feelings will get hurt. Your hope lies in the fact that he’s mature enough to understand that you are growing, and going, in different directions.

My suggestion to you is to be upfront about your goals for your future and why he’s not going to be a part of your life.

And be honest with yourself, if you don’t have a future together, you really don’t have an honest relationship.
Make the break clean. Tell him, if he pressures you to keep in contact, that you’ll get in touch with him after you’ve moved and settled in. And don’t stay in touch with him before you do move. Don’t give him the hope of contact that he may be able to change your mind and get back with you.

Who knows what the future holds? It’s enough of a crapshoot to get through tomorrow.
But break it off now, don’t drag him through the next few weeks wondering about the state of your relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob.