AdviceGeneral.com

Hi, Rob
My name is Sally from Philadelphia and i am 30 years old and i came across your website and i really enjoyed the advice you gave some of the people on there.

I need some advice on this guy i met online in April 17th of this year. He is a 34 year old who lives in Atlantic city New jersey and lives with his father. He goes to church often. He does have a 4 year old son who lives the mother.

Our conversations were good. We hit it off well. He was calling me 3 to 4 times a day. I started doing the same because i thought that’s what he wanted. He would often say when we have kids together and get married. We also talked about me being the one. He was the one who said all this stuff early in the dating period. He would always call me and ask me how my day went, or did i eat yet, or did i get any rest. We often talked about his family and i talked about mine.

When he first came to see me it was in the last week of April. when he got to my house i let this man kiss me and touch me in places i don’t care to explain, but you know what i mean.

This outing i am going to talk about i initiated it. The next week was his birthday May 4th he came to pick me up. He met my mother that same day. We went out to dinner and a movie and then he drove me back home. All together we went out on four outings together.

However, the first time i had sex with this man was 2 weeks after meeting him, which i know was stupid.

During this time he came to my house two times to see me and we had sex both times.

I went to visit him in jersey and i thought it was only fair to go visit him in jersey because he came to see me. Because he often talked about making a sacrifice in a relationship. But he didn’t invited me i invited myself to go see him.

It is now a month, May 31st memorial day was the last time we saw each other. When i arrived in jersey he took me to is house, his father happen to be sitting down stairs. He introduced me as his friend Sally.

He then took me and showed me his family pics of his mother who passed away and his brother and sisters photos.

He then took me and showed me around his neighborhood and should me where his brothers and sister lives. they all live pretty close in his neighborhood in jersey. We then headed off to the movies which was great. we laughed, kissed, touched each other and held hand so tight like we always do. We have so much chemistry. We went out to dinner after the movie and he took me to a motel room and we had sex. He said he couldn’t have sex in his father’s house. He also received 2 texts in the movies and 1 at 10:00pm right before we had sex. (this has been on my mind for the past few days now). The next morning he drove me back home and there was dead silence in the car. He didn’t even say Good morning to me. This is one of the things in the beginning he would always call or text to ask. How was my morning or how was my day going so far… that all has completely stopped.

It is now June 4th and he has not call me yet. I haven’t called either. I saw him online though on June 3rd because i am on his facebook page which is making it harder to not see him at all. I ask him why he hasn’t call me yet when he said June 1st he would and never called that day. He replied “LMBO” I Knew that was coming”. I then said “what did it slip your mind”. He then said “it is a possibility”. I then said you said Tuesday you would call me and never did. He replied “I did day that didn’t i”. I then told him to enjoy his game, which was so stupid of me. It’s like he doesn’t care.

The baddest part about this whole thing is i am not even his girlfriend, he hints from time to time we are a couple, but never came out and say i want you to be my girlfriend. However i did ask him early on about changing our facebook status he said we haven’t talked about it and he has a little bit more people than me to tell if he did change it.

My questions to you is

1. Was he just telling me things he taught i wanted to hear to
2. Do you think i gave him sex too fast?
3.. Why would he continue to date me even after he got sex?
4.Why would he show me family pics, take me to his church and play his guitar for me ( i did ask him in the beginning of the dating period to play for me sometime) and show where his family lives.
5.Why would he take me out in public hold hands if not interested?
6. Is there any chance of a long-term relationship or is it doomed for us?
7.Is there someone else?
Should i move on?

My mother keeps telling me he will call, give it some time she says, because she likes him a lot, but deep down why do i feel it in my gut and it’s a weird feeling and i know he won’t call. I have been crying for 3 days straight now. I just need some sound advice.
Thanks.

Hi Sally,
This guy has real connection issues and believes that dating is sex, so when it’s over it’s like turning a page, looking for a new story to appear instead of a continuation of the same story.

Weird, right?

You need answers and he gives you lies and “later we’ll talk about it”. Which is an answer in itself, just not the type of answer you expect or are prepared for.

Ignore his emails, ignore his texts, when he calls, if he ever does, tell him to meet you at a specific place, at a specific time and tell him to bring his wallet, he’s buying dinner.

If he falters, then he’s not interested enough to continue this relationship unless it’s free sex included… geesh, you’ll be doing it in the back seat of his car if he can’t find a cheap enough motel… ugh.

Pull yourself back to reality and wish for the best but plan for the worst.

Email me any time,
Best wishes,
Rob

**** Continued ****

Dear Rob,
Well it’s too late he took me to a cheap motel room on the 31st of may and we had sex. On the way back home in the car the next morning was dead silence. I knew something wasn’t right. He took me to work that same morning because i asked him too he said yes. I ask him for a kiss and he kissed me back and said i’ll call you later. It has been 1 week no call. I did however confront him on facebook Thursday June 3rd 2010 about why he didn’t call when he said he would his answers were very short and he even laughed and said i knew that was coming. At the end of the conversation i told him to enjoy his basketball game. I haven’t call since and i don’t plan on it.

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Thanks.

Dear Sally,
Sorry to hear what has transpired since your email.
To answer your questions:

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
No confrontation online, you need to talk like adults.

2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
Remove him, see if he cares about it or not. Likely he won’t care and will finally feel free of you, as if you’re breaking up with him first.

3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
He wanted to sleep wit you, no other answer needed. BUT you did allow it to happen, so you need to ask yourself why are you having sex with him? Do you really think that’s how you get a boyfriend? By offering him a booty call?

4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Yes, move on, hard life lesson learned.

From this point forward you should consider yourself single and don’t put out within the first 6 months of dating.
If a guy is serious, he’ll wait, if he doesn’t, well you were just being used in the first place…

Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
Hi. I am very confused right now.

I was dating this new guy for a couple months and things were going good, but a few months ago I broke up with him because I had moved out of town & the long distance wasn’t working for me. Although my ex later tells me that the breakup was a total surprise to him because he thought everything was going really good. He even said that he could have loved me.

I still see him and hang out with him & his family whenever im in town and whenever we’re with each other, it’s like we never broke up. We still sit next to each other, snuggle up under the blanket together & even still have sex.

I have been very devastated with my breaking off the relationship & i’ve been wanting to get back together with him. He always says he still cares about me & he always takes care of me when I need him.

He even let me stay with him & his family when I got kicked out of my parents house.

I have been wondering if maybe he wanted me back to so I asked him what he thought of us and our relationship but unfortunately he replied saying that he needed to tell me before I got to thinking something.

That what has been going on with us is just fun and that he doesn’t want me letting myself get hurt.

I asked why he didn’t want to be with me again thinking maybe it was because he was afraid of me leaving him again, but he said that he was single and that he wanted to stay single.

I am now so confused of what he wants from me and what I should do. I would greatly appreciate your advice!
Sincerely,
A Confused Woman

Hi Confused,
Break off with him completely and do it now.

You’re just “fun and sex” now that you’re not 100% available because of the distance involved.
You will not have a relationship that works because he cannot commit to you.

End things now and stay away from him. He has said the truth, he wants to stay single and that does not put you into the picture of the life he wants for himself.

If he calls, then tell him what I said (tell him you read a similar situation online). He will either explain or say it’s the truth. Then you will have your answer from him.

Best wishes,
Rob

Hi advice guy!
You’ve answered me a couple times in the past and I’ve been very appreciative. I’m hoping maybe you have some advice for my current situation.

So, I’ve been dating a guy for six months now. When I met him, he had been divorced for almost a year and separated from his wife for a year and a half. His ex-wife pretty much pulled the rug out from underneath him one day and said she wanted out of the marriage. He found out about a month later that she was having an affair with a 55 year old professor at the college they both attended. Now that I’ve met his family and known him for 6 months, I am very confident that while things were probably not perfect between them, the divorce was mostly about her father issues. I don’t think my guy was much of a factor, though he probably missed some red flags about her since he married her when he was fairly young.

Now, he and I have a very good relationship. He still does a lot of pursuing, thought I reciprocate a lot more now. We spend a ton of time together, we have great chemistry on all levels, lots of fun together, etc, etc. All in all, it’s a very good fit and I’ve felt for a while now that I have probably met the person I will marry.

He seems to know that’s where we are headed, and it clearly terrifies him. He says it’s not so much the getting married part, but everything that has to happen after that overwhelms him — buying a house, having kids, etc. Though, he has been very clear that he wants a family some day. He told me he would never understand what he’s feeling right now unless he had been through the divorce and that he knows it’s probably hard for me to understand why he feels that way. He said he doesn’t want to date anyone else, he loves me and thinks I’m wonderful, but he just wants to take things one day at a time right now. Basically, things are great with us right now. We enjoy being with eachother a lot. He’s just uncertain about how soon he wants to do the marriage thing, while at the same time putting a lot of pressure on himself because he says he’s not the kind of guy who’s going to date me for two years without either moving things forward or ending it as soon as he knows he’s not ready to get married for a while.

So, in a nut shell, here is my fear: In six months or so, he’s still not ready to get married again and we break up because of it. The thing is, I have no timeframe and I’m putting no pressure on him. He’s doing all of that to himself. I just love being with him, and if we get married some day, I want it to be because he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, not because we’ve been dating for a while and it’s the “right thing to do”.

He treats me so well. He’s planned several very nice things for my birthday in December. We’re going on a trip together in January. I’ve met his whole family and he says they like me a lot. He calls me pretty much every day to talk, at least for a little while, he spends a ton of time with me. He does small sweet things for me too. He’s very thoughtful and caring.

In a way, I feel like there’s nothing I can do except what he said — take things one day at a time and things will become clear to him eventually. It just feels like such a huge risk. Things are great right now, but I’m very scared about the future with him.

Do you have any advice for me in this situation? Is there anything I should be doing or not doing? Do you think it will just take time for him to work through the remnants of his first marriage and that he’ll come around eventually? He is such a genuine person with a pure heart. Part of me is sure he will work through this and things will be fine. But part of me is worried.

Thank you in advance for your advice!
Susie

Hi Susie,
You have everything to be worried about. From what you’ve told me, on one level he’s this great guy, full of fun and affection, while on another level he’s this scared little kid about dealing with the future.

If he was a friend of mine in this situation I’d tell him that shit happens and to get his head out of his ass and love the woman he’s with and plan a future together. (Excuse my boldness.)

History does not have to repeat itself but if this is what he’s afraid of then he needs counselling to deal with these issues because they will not go away on their own, nor will they diminish over time.

Taking life one day at a time is a huge red flag that he may bolt when things do come to the point where he can’t deal with them. And, unfortunately, the clock is ticking.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
Five years back I got in touch with my old 8th grade friend from back home. We got in touch through emails and became really good friends. He used to be affectionate and used to tell me its only as a degree of affection as a friend. I was like ok.

I visited him and we met a couple of times when I went back home. Then also he used to say I love you and I miss you. But every time he used to say it’s only as a friend. I got back and again we were in touch through emails. Suddenly he changed, started flirting with me so much. The flirting became so deep that he asked me if I can wait for 2 years, then he will marry me. I always told him I cannot commit without my dad’s consent and asked him to talk to my dad.

But I clearly showed back affection and interest towards him. He was like “ya..I’ll talk to your dad and we can marry”. For 5 or 6 months this continued. He talked almost like we were in a relationship. One day, suddenly he changed and started saying that whatever he did to me is all “legpulling”. I was so shocked, cried and asked him why did he all this to me.

All he was saying is he just leggpulled. he said he likes me but didn’t think beyond that (like going for a long-time relationship or marriage). He asked me if I seriously wanna get into a relation with him. He gave a few days time to think and tell him. I told yes, and after I told him yes, he was like I also need to think and decide.

He suggested me to wait for 6 to 8 months, and he told me we can understand each other for few months and then decide. I told him ok. After 6 months, He is still not sure about anything, and now he is saying destiny will decide in the future. I told him clearly lets quit everything and be good friends.

For that also, he is not so ready to quit me forever. He still wants me to hang on to him and saying lets be friends now with out any expectations and destiny will decide. But I clearly told him to quit everything. He said he will decide about the quitting and will tell his decision soon.

I simply couldn’t understand this guys intention? Is he playing with me? Should I quit him forever? I’m confused.

One thing he tells me he might not have pulled my legs if he knew that I liked him in that sense. Did he really do legpulling with me for 5 months? I cannot believe how some one can pull legs for 5 months continuously? Is he lying about legpulling? He also said he pull his other close female friend legs and those gals never misunderstood him.
Thanks,
Tina

Hi Tina,
Guys like this act the way they do for two reasons:
1. See how far they can “get” with you when you’re with them, and;
2. It’s comforting for them to experience “love and affection” when they are really just waiting for someone better to come along.

This guy has been playing you, whether he really meant to or not.
It’s time to not only give him space, but to leave him be.
This is the type of guy that would cheat on you, break up with you and come crawling back, over and over.

He’s the type that would take you for granted, because you really would love him and he really hasn’t experienced “love” for you.

Dump him.
Don’t contact him anymore.
Look for someone that will treat you with respect and real love.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I fell for a guy, he’s my classmate then. He courted me this summer, then he became my boyfriend unexpectedly because something happened unexpectedly too.

The first time he was my boyfriend, I didn’t feel that he loved me. He say’s “I love you to” me, but that’s the only sweet thing I can see about him and I’m usually the first one to say that to him. We broke up after 8 days because he said that he still loves his ex girlfriend and I got really hurt because of that.

Then after awhile I forgot him because he doesn’t text me anymore. Then my friend talked to him, so my friend got his attention and he suddenly thought to text me.

When he started to text me again we became close friends until he started to court me again, after 1 month I agreed to be his girlfriend again.

Now that we’re together again I can feel that he really loves me.

Then he told me the truth that the first time we were together he didn’t really love me then I told him that he made me look silly in front of him back then. Then he said sorry to me about what he did. So now, whenever we fight I feel sad that I think that we should just break up.

I want us to stay together long but the only problem is his attitude. He also said that he only wanted us to be together for every summer not when there is school.

Hi,
You don’t need this loser dragging you around do you?
He’s already said what the ground rules are for your relationship, and you don’t like them.

Dump him and you may feel a little loss from him not being with you but trust me, he’s just using you and he’s said so to your face.
Follow your heart, end this now.
Rob

PS
Real couples don’t argue about petty things like the two of you do, it’s immature and unhealthy.

Dear Rob,
I’ve known this girl since we were both kids, as we live in the same street and we both go to the same youth group where she is the youth leader. We’re both 19. I’ve grown to like her a lot, to the stage where I’ve developed feelings for her. I only ever see her once a week at the youth group. At the start of 2005 and nearly every other week I used to catch her staring at me. I could be talking to some people and she’d be in another group in another conversation, and if I was to turn or look around the room I would immediately catch her staring dead straight into my eyes for no apparent reason. Once I caught her she’d look a bit nervous, and look away. Some nights I’ve caught her out and then she does it again two minutes later. One night I was sitting down talking with someone and she was in the row in front and I just happened to look in front and caught her again. This time I held the stare and I smiled, she did too, and then turned back around. This has happened so many other times as well with her.

Whenever we both hold a conversation we are both very shy towards each other, as we’re both shy people, but she always looks me in the eye so much so that I’m just too nervous to hold the contact.

If she is ever walking towards me in the street or mall she looks in my direction then quickly looks away and acts all nervous until we pass, when she does acknowledge me, sometimes acting surprised that she has seen me. Is she trying to avoid me or is she just nervous? Also whenever I make a mistake, be a clutz, make myself look stupid or tell a dumb joke, she’ll laugh.

Does her doing these things mean anything or am I just over reacting and blowing things out of proportion?

I’m just too scared to make a move or anything because I’m afraid of being rejected and making a fool of myself, plus she’d be an 11/10 in the looks dept, where’d I’d only rate myself 5/10 which makes me wonder why she’d be even remotely interested. I’m sort of waiting around for her to give me more of these signs before I do anything, but in the meantime I know that she might just find someone else, maybe for good, then I would loose her for good. How can I get over myself and handle this situation or just ask her out?

Hi,
You sound like a nice guy. Invite her out for a coffee or something after the next youth group meeting.

It’s likely she’s as experienced as you are in the relationship department, good looking girls are all too often lonely because every guy is afraid of rejection and doesn’t ask her out.

Get over yourself and your fears. Read more articles on my site and ask her out for a coffee.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I’ve tried asking you before, so I’ll try again, if that’s O.K. with you.

I’ve known this girl for 6 years, but has been seeing/dating for 8 months now. I love her, and she loves me. The problem is that I’m really insecure and is confused in what to do. She also has an ex-boyfriend who she’s still interacting with. Sometimes she seems to spend more time with him than she does with me. And I also think the ex-boyfriend is falling back in love with her. So soon he’ll try to seduce her, if he’s not trying already.

At the same time, she has a lot of male friends and hangs out with them too. I’m more confident about these male “toys” she refers them to, but all these guys really like her too and want to date her as well. (Amongst other things.) She also toys with them into making them want her but to have the “Look, but don’t touch” thing going on. I one day fear that I’ll one day become a “toy” to her too.

I’m really confused about this situation, and any smart guy would just look into this situation and say “Break up with her”. But all these things happened during our relationship and I’m still very much in love with her. I keep fearing she’ll leave me for her ex again, or one of her boy toys.

My insecurities keep eating up my insides, we’re fighting more, and it has almost led to us breaking up many times. I even considered spying on her and I hate what I’ve become. I just want a healthy relationship with the woman I love and to be confident that she won’t cheat on me. Can you help me be more confident about myself?
Thank you,
J.J.

Hi J.J.,
She’s testing the waters, expressing her freedom.
And the more you complain about it, the more you fight about it, the more you lose her.

I bet that if you keep this up she dumps you in less than two months.

Make friends with her friends. Bury your insecurities.
And start enjoying the fact that you’re not her only friend so that you can have a life too, outside of your relationship.

Really, being such a wuss, such a complainer and so insecure will certainly drive her away.

Lighten up. Remember, she’s dating you, not any of those other guys.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I’m a 29 yr. old Chicago male and have an interesting situation I’m looking for advice on.

I’m a professional theatre actor and over the summer met a younger girl (23) while performing in a benefit with her. She expressed interest in me – our cast of 5 went out after rehearsals and everyone would leave but me and her. She wound up spending the night at my place twice, the first time not much happened, the second time we made out all night. She definitely initiated everything.

Once the benefit was over, she called me quite frequently – about every other night, and rarely did we talk for less than a half hour. But every time I asked her to do something, she was busy, had plans, or for whatever reason couldn’t accept. This went on for nearly a month. I knew her work schedule was erratic and she was busy, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Eventually the line went cold, and we didn’t talk nearly as much. I finally was able to get together with her twice – once to watch a movie at my place, once for lunch, but both times I got the impression that she wasn’t that interested anymore.

Recently I finally got her to come over for dinner and a bonfire in my yard. She was much more flirty and friendly towards me, and even initiated kissing me a few times later in the evening by the bonfire (she stopped me mid-sentence and just said “kiss me”).

She explained that there were other guys in the picture earlier, and that’s why she couldn’t get together with me. I asked if we were on the “same page” now, and she said she just didn’t know where things were going to go. She spent the night that night, and we went out again the following weekend – I went to see a show she was in, we went to some bars, and she again spent the night.

So where do I go from here? Do I revisit the “where do we stand” question? I still am doing a majority of the calling, and I know she has lots of guy friends she spends time with, but it seems that when I do see her now, she’s into me. Advice? Thanks
Confused in Chicago

Hi Confused,
Unfortunately, you are the prize in the fair. Fun to be with but the attraction fades when you’re not on display any more.

Where do you go from here? Enjoy yourself but don’t think for a minute that this girl isn’t a player. She’ll be around for a good time but not a long time.

Be careful about getting emotionally involved because that isn’t what she wants from you. Not yet anyways and maybe not ever.
If you’re still hanging together in a couple of months (a couple of weeks before Christmas) it’ll be time to talk about ‘exclusivity’. If only to find out whether she gets jewelry or a board game as a Christmas gift.

If you want to know quicker how things are, stop calling her and see what happens.
Best wishes,
Rob.