AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
I’ve known this girl since we were both kids, as we live in the same street and we both go to the same youth group where she is the youth leader. We’re both 19. I’ve grown to like her a lot, to the stage where I’ve developed feelings for her. I only ever see her once a week at the youth group. At the start of 2005 and nearly every other week I used to catch her staring at me. I could be talking to some people and she’d be in another group in another conversation, and if I was to turn or look around the room I would immediately catch her staring dead straight into my eyes for no apparent reason. Once I caught her she’d look a bit nervous, and look away. Some nights I’ve caught her out and then she does it again two minutes later. One night I was sitting down talking with someone and she was in the row in front and I just happened to look in front and caught her again. This time I held the stare and I smiled, she did too, and then turned back around. This has happened so many other times as well with her.

Whenever we both hold a conversation we are both very shy towards each other, as we’re both shy people, but she always looks me in the eye so much so that I’m just too nervous to hold the contact.

If she is ever walking towards me in the street or mall she looks in my direction then quickly looks away and acts all nervous until we pass, when she does acknowledge me, sometimes acting surprised that she has seen me. Is she trying to avoid me or is she just nervous? Also whenever I make a mistake, be a clutz, make myself look stupid or tell a dumb joke, she’ll laugh.

Does her doing these things mean anything or am I just over reacting and blowing things out of proportion?

I’m just too scared to make a move or anything because I’m afraid of being rejected and making a fool of myself, plus she’d be an 11/10 in the looks dept, where’d I’d only rate myself 5/10 which makes me wonder why she’d be even remotely interested. I’m sort of waiting around for her to give me more of these signs before I do anything, but in the meantime I know that she might just find someone else, maybe for good, then I would loose her for good. How can I get over myself and handle this situation or just ask her out?

Hi,
You sound like a nice guy. Invite her out for a coffee or something after the next youth group meeting.

It’s likely she’s as experienced as you are in the relationship department, good looking girls are all too often lonely because every guy is afraid of rejection and doesn’t ask her out.

Get over yourself and your fears. Read more articles on my site and ask her out for a coffee.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I am leaving for university in the fall. My boyfriend and I have been dating since sophomore year and we’ve only been with each other, if you know what I mean. He will be staying at his parent’s home for a year working and starting at my university next year. We plan on visiting each other as much as possible but since I’ll be out of state and he’ll be working we’re not sure how that will all work out. Mainly, I guess, I am insecure about him still wanting to be my boyfriend after I’ve started university. He’ll be with all of our friends, and I’ll be alone, away, in at school.

What can I do to make sure our relationship lasts until he comes to school next year?
Signed,
Dating and Doubtful

Hi D and D,
I can really see your discomfort in being away from your boyfriend when you start your new life at school and as he starts his new life as a full-time worker.
Life begins when high school ends for many people. Different places, different people, different responsibilities.
You can plan to travel to be together as much as possible, and with Internet access everywhere, you’ll want to invest in a good laptop and a webcam so you can spend some quality chat time together too.
But you’ve asked “How can I be sure we’ll still be together while we’re apart?” and that is a tough question to answer.
But answer these questions to discover a little about your current relationship.
Do you:
- Have a regular date plan now? Do you see each other every Saturday night for a date? Hang around together all the time, as much as you can?
- Have regular phone calls?
- Exchange regular emails?
- Have both friends that are supportive of your relationship?
- Your family (both families) supports your relationship?
- Have no cheated on each other?
- Made “future plans together” that includes possible engagement and marriage?
Positive answers to the above questions would lead me to believe you will have a positive experience in your future.

Many couples that are separating for reasons outside of their control exchange promise rings that identify a future together. This exchange is a solidification of your future. It’s a sort of “engagement to be engaged”. I suggest that this step be discussed by you to your boyfriend and see how he reacts.
If I read your letter correctly, he should be very willing to take this step.

You date regularly now and spend a lot of time together, plan your separation with scheduled dates set up. Whether phone calls, webcam chats or emails, decide on a day and time that is just “your time”, just as you would having dates if you were together.

And no matter the temptation, do not use family or friends as “spies” on him. Trust is the biggest issue couples apart have. If you feel you can’t trust him now, you won’t be able to trust him when you are at school. And a breakup is a good idea before something worse happens.

Both of you will be going through some pretty serious changes in the coming months. You’ve got to be “adult” about things and have a common ground of understanding to get you through this year of separation and back together as a couple again.

There will be your school stress, his work problems, both of which will work to divide you in a sea of “not understanding me” arguments. But if you prepare against this going in then you will be prepared as these issues arise.

A good thing here is to have a code word that explains that you are going through a difficult time that is not due to anything your boyfriend, or yourself for him, can fix. You can use the code word in a phone call, email or chat session. This keeps things to a common place where you agreed to be when you were together. And helps to keep you both united in your coming long distance relationship.
I wish you well in your future,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, since our freshman year in college and we are both 20.

She is my first love and I am the first person she has ever been with. We spend all year together and recently we both got into the same law school.

I was planning on going to Europe this year and I encouraged her to do the same with her friends, I thought it would be a nice experience for the both of us before we started another stressful semester next September.

The only problem is that now I am constantly worried by the fact that she is going on an organized trip with a lot of other young people who will be partying and often a little drunk.

I also find her friends to be a bad influence. There is no history of cheating in our relationship, but we are both so young and she is so inexperienced I am worrying that she might be tempted to cheat.

We’ve talked about it and she assured me she wouldn’t. Do I need to face reality? At this age is it time for a little break during our trip? Or should I trust her until she proves otherwise? Does our age change the rules of the game since we are both just starting to experience life. I would really like to stop worrying.
Thanks,
William

Hi William,
All the time that you spend together is both a gift and a curse. You rely on her being with you, ready to “be your girl” from now to eternity but you don’t see her as being mature enough to not cheat on you.

The reality that you need to face is that your girlfriend is a person in her own right.

If you can’t trust her, you need to end the relationship.
It’s quite that simple.

Your unresolved jealousy, your general distrust of your commitment to her is being projected onto her as her problem when it’s really your problem.

You’ve had your talk with her. She has told you that she can be trusted. She’s said and done all she can do. It’s time for you to trust yourself that you have a great, beautiful, trustworthy person in your life that wants to share experiences with you without you being jealous of her own life and the control she has over her own actions.

I get many advice emails from guys that are jealous about how their girlfriends interact with other male friends. This jealousy and mistrust can almost always be traced back to the guy’s own insecurities about his relationship with the woman he supposedly “loves”.
I placed love in quotes because love requires:
Fidelity
Trust
Commitment

If you can’t offer fully and completely these three things to your girlfriend, you need to resolve your own feelings, your own insecurities. Your time apart can be a wonderful growing experience that will lead to a fuller life for the both of you. If you let it.

Control yourself. Get counselling if you can’t resolve these feelings on your own.

Your future relationship depends on it. And not with just your current girlfriend but any and all friends you have in the future too. The world can be a jealous and covetous place, but don’t let it be your place.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I’m not sure if my fiancé is controlling or not.

He is very jealous. He gets mad if a guy even looks at me. He doesn’t want me to have guy friends. If we get into an argument about something he has done wrong he always tries to make it seem like its my fault. He is in bootcamp for the army and he wrote a couple of letters to his ex.

When I found out I told him that if he wrote her one more letter that we were over. He said “Well obviously you don’t love me as much as you say you do if you would break up with me for that”.

See what I mean about him turning everything around on me?

He has told me about dreams he has had where he caught me cheating on him and in one of them he said he threw a cell phone at my head. I don’t think he would ever really do that to me or put his hands on me in anyway but then why would he have a dream like that. He does have an anger problem but he has never hurt me but I’m worried. When we get married will he change?
Help me please,
D

Hi D,
I think that you need to take a step back at your life as it is now and how you feel it will be once your married. Make a list of everything.
(1) What you do now on your own;
(2) What you do together and;
(3) The things you want to change about both.

If you see anything that you want to be changed about your fiancé, how he acts now compared to how you want him to act when he’s your husband, postpone the marriage. I strongly recommend couples counseling before your marriage.
Him sending letters to his ex shows that he has no regard for your feelings about him. He’s looking for attention and comfort that he feels he can’t get from you. (Unless they have a child together and he’s sending the letters addressed to his ex but meant for his child then this would be a part of your life, being involved with his ex and child, that will go on for at least 18 more years.)

People don’t change because there is a ring on their finger. What you see now is who you’ll have in the future. The only person you can change is yourself and I don’t recommend changing into the type of person he wants you to be: obedient, subservient, under his control.

From what you’ve told me your fiancé tries to intimidate you, control you and blame you. He tells you his threatening dreams to scare you. Marriage won’t change any of this from happening in the future. And I bet that he’ll keep in touch, see anyone, anywhere, no matter your feelings. You’ll be placed second to what he wants to do whether it’s good for the both of you or just something he wants to do for himself.

If you can get him into counseling then great. I am thinking that, however, he’ll start an argument with you about it, blame you for wanting him to be someone he isn’t and threaten to break up with you.

It’s up to you to decide your future but don’t let your future be forced onto you.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I’ve tried asking you before, so I’ll try again, if that’s O.K. with you.

I’ve known this girl for 6 years, but has been seeing/dating for 8 months now. I love her, and she loves me. The problem is that I’m really insecure and is confused in what to do. She also has an ex-boyfriend who she’s still interacting with. Sometimes she seems to spend more time with him than she does with me. And I also think the ex-boyfriend is falling back in love with her. So soon he’ll try to seduce her, if he’s not trying already.

At the same time, she has a lot of male friends and hangs out with them too. I’m more confident about these male “toys” she refers them to, but all these guys really like her too and want to date her as well. (Amongst other things.) She also toys with them into making them want her but to have the “Look, but don’t touch” thing going on. I one day fear that I’ll one day become a “toy” to her too.

I’m really confused about this situation, and any smart guy would just look into this situation and say “Break up with her”. But all these things happened during our relationship and I’m still very much in love with her. I keep fearing she’ll leave me for her ex again, or one of her boy toys.

My insecurities keep eating up my insides, we’re fighting more, and it has almost led to us breaking up many times. I even considered spying on her and I hate what I’ve become. I just want a healthy relationship with the woman I love and to be confident that she won’t cheat on me. Can you help me be more confident about myself?
Thank you,
J.J.

Hi J.J.,
She’s testing the waters, expressing her freedom.
And the more you complain about it, the more you fight about it, the more you lose her.

I bet that if you keep this up she dumps you in less than two months.

Make friends with her friends. Bury your insecurities.
And start enjoying the fact that you’re not her only friend so that you can have a life too, outside of your relationship.

Really, being such a wuss, such a complainer and so insecure will certainly drive her away.

Lighten up. Remember, she’s dating you, not any of those other guys.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I need your advice on how I should respond and/or feel about a situation….I have been on 4 wonderful dates with a man. When I left his house on Sunday he called me about an hour later to make certain I had found my way home and said he’d call me later that evening, but never did. It is now Tuesday afternoon and I still haven’t heard anything from him. What do I make of this?
Confused

Hi Confused,
A guy almost always calls when he says he will.
Possible reasons why a call won’t call are:
- lost interest in you
- something embarrassing is happening to him that he doesn’t want to share
- he’s talked to his friends and they advised him not to call, not to look desperate
- he feels that he should wait more than 3 days to call you to make your next date

Give him two more days to call you. Then I’d call him, give him heck for not calling you when he said he did and tell him that’s not how to treat you, and for him not to do it again. Or simply say that you had a good time and you wondered what happened because he didn’t call when he said he would. Don’t be too demanding but make sure he knows to always follow-up what he says he’ll do for you. Be straightforward.

Many guys go by the rules of timing when to call after having a date. In order not to appear too needy guys should wait three or four days between calls for a date.

Remember though, it is OK to call right after the date but keep the conversation short. Make sure your date made it home OK, that she had a good time and get off the phone. Dragging out a conversation right after having the date is bad form for any guy. And call frequency increases as you date more. After four dates if interest level is kept high then you’re at the 3 call a week level even if you’re still only going on one date a week. When you start going on more than one date a week the calls can increase to every couple of days. But guys need to call when they say they’re going to call.
Best wishes,
Rob

Hi Rob,
There was this girl Anya, that I had a crush on when I was 17.

We used to work in the same shopping complex and a co-worker told her my feelings. She reacted and showed interest towards me by coming to the place I worked as I was a checkout operator she would come to me for service. But we never speak spoke as I was too shy and we usually just smiled to each other. This went on for a while until we didn’t see each other, however she went to the same church for mass as me. I moved on with life went out with a few girls, and 7 years later I am now single again.

I’ve joined this bible study to get closer to God and meet new people. Now I have started to see Anya at mass and decided to go up to her after mass as I built up the confidence because I didn’t want to die wondering of what could have been, so I spoke to her briefly and said things such as “it’s taken me 7 years to build up the courage to speak to you”.

The rest was small talk, however I invited her to this bible study and gave her my phone number. She called me 5 days later and said “Ray to be honest bible study isn’t my thing”, I said that was cool but “I would really like to take you out sometime” she laughed and I said “don’t be shy you have my number” and she laughed. That was it, 2 weeks ago, should I chase her up next time I see her at mass, or let her call me and ask me out or should I take her as not calling me as not being interested?
Thanks Billy

Hi Billy,
If you wait for her to call it’ll be a long time. Take the initiative and ask her out for a coffee. I am sure you have many things to talk about and share.
Make the call if you have her number or talk to her about getting together the next time you see her. Be sure you have a place and a time available to ask her out. Don’t call or talk to her without a plan. And keep the call/talk short and to the point. You just want a date, not a life story, at this point.

It’s good in a way that you opened up with her when you talked about your teenage crush, but don’t carry that topic any farther. You’re a man now, so act like one.

The date you ask her to should be a coffee somewhere, maybe an hour long, and if the conversation goes well you call her the next day for a more formal date.

The key to asking a girl out on a date once she has returned your smiles is not to play shy. You’ve got to get active, with a plan, and ask her out.
First is a coffee or dessert somewhere. In the afternoon or early evening. Nothing too late or too early.

From there you move on to the first phone call after the first coffee date. The conversation should be kept to a minimum so that you’ll avoid boring her, running out of things to say, or saying too much.
The first date can be another, more intense coffee, a lunch or maybe even a dinner. My personal preference has been to do something unique. Sure everyone needs to eat, but have you gone bowling lately? Strolled through a local museum? Minigolf? Window gift shopping? Even take your camera for some lakeshore photographs? Maybe even a walk in a busy area of town to ‘people watch’. The idea here is that everyone eats, but you don’t have to feed her. Try something different and you’ll score much better on her interest gauge.

1. Coffee date (Day 1)
2. First phone call (Day 2)
3. More coffee, lunch or better yet plan something unique to do (Day 4 to 6) This can be repeated every couple of days until…
4. First official dinner date (Thursday night, somewhere in Day 12 to 17)
5. If you’ve made it this far, you’re dating! In another two weeks it’s time to talk about ‘exclusivity’!
6. After Day 25 you’re good for Saturday night dates.

I hope things work out well for you,
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I very rarely need expert advice, but this one is a real conundrum and I hope you can help me.

Quick background:
I am a thirty five year old male professional. I am successful, have above-average looks, I am intelligent and I have a very good sense of humor. In summary, while I have to work at it, I generally do well with women and I am able to date very attractive women.

The scenario:
I met up with a good female friend and her friends late one Saturday night a few weeks ago. One of her friends was gorgeous and cool and we hit it off right away. At the end of the night we let everybody peel away and ended up with an intense make-out session at this lounge downtown.

I called her the next evening and we went on a second date. We drank quite a lot but really clicked mentally. We ended up climbing on top of each other again both while on the town and on the cab ride home. She was very attracted to me (talking dirty etc. but she is also very sweet and intelligent)

I asked her out on a third date for the next Saturday night while on the second date (second date was on Tuesday).

I received two very positive texts from her saying that she also had a great time and that she wanted to go on Saturday if she “got back from her parent’s place on time on Saturday.” (Her parents live in the suburbs.)

She blew me off on Saturday night (I called once and then left one message saying that I was leaving in 45 min. if she still wanted to come).

I called her again on Tuesday, left a brief “hello” message, told her to give me a call, and then got off the phone quickly. She did not answer or return my call. I have let it go for two weeks, but would really like to get her on another date. There was tons of chemistry between us. All of my friends (both male and female) are as baffled as I am at this scenario.

I do not want to act like a fool by continuing to call, but I feel as if I should at least give it one more “Hail Mary” just to make sure that I am out. Something weird could have happened and I want to make sure that there has been no miss-communication I want to cover all the bases before I let a girl of this caliber get away.
Any advice?
Hank

Hi Hank,
It sounds to me that you’ve had two heavy dates. Both times alcohol was involved, both times the dates went sexually “hot and heavy” and ended with no regrets.

But now, when trying for that third date, her feeling of regret has crept in. That’s why she’s not answering or returning your calls and that’s why she’s blowing you off when you do talk to her.

Pulling back the sexual action is the only way to save this possible dating relationship. She’s overstepped her “safe boundaries” and now feels that the next date will throw her over the cliff of sexual expectations and actions. Her not wanting to speak with you re-enforces the fact that she’s feeling regret and embarrassment as well as insecurity that the sexual overtones of the time you spend together is outside of her usual behavior.

Talk again to the mutual friends that you have. Ask them if she’s the type to be so “active” on dates. They’ll have some ideas for you to follow up on as far as your next steps go.

Your last chance “Hail Mary” contact should be a small gift, maybe flowers, to show a side of you that is more than a party animal, more than a guy going out for a good time. And on a date that is different from what you’ve been doing so far with her.
Flowers.
Balloon bouquet.
Candy basket.
The included card says “[Your name] the romantic. Meet me at XXXX for dinner”. XXXX is the name of the restaurant, a mid-week date and early evening time for your slow, safe, romantic dinner date. Or a short dinner and a fun date. Bowling. Arcade games. Mini golf. Bingo.
And no matter what happens, when you take her home after this date, you drop her off and end the date then and there. If she invites you in for coffee, you tell her you need to slow down the relationship, coming in maybe not the best idea and that you need to now that she’s OK with that.
And go home.

If she’s really gorgeous, she’s used to guy’s hitting on her for sex. She’s had enough of guys trying to possess her. She wants to preserve herself when she meets a guy that she’s really into, but there aren’t any rules for her to follow without ending up seeming to be a prude.

This is what you have to change about your approach.

Think about creating a long-term relationship rather than making a new notch on your bedpost. This type of male behaviour will be new to her. She’ll respect you for it. And you’ll be setting the tone for the relationship to progress more naturally, without the sexual overtones that are likely scaring her away.

When dates turn too sexual too fast the natural tendency is to avoid the conflict. Stop answering calls. Stop being available. Save your self-esteem by not facing the person that you went “too far” with.

Whether you’re the guy or the girl, if you need to put the brakes on the sexual side of your dates as soon as you feel you’ve “gone too far” do it. Don’t be intimidated by “society’s influence” on the way sex in represented in TV shows and the movies. That’s called entertainment, this is called your life and your future.

If the girl or the guy you’re dating is put off by your sudden decision to slow down on the sex part of your dates, then it’s better you learn this early in the relationship rather than later. You’ll know how you’ve been seen/used by the person you’re with.

If you’re being treated as a “sex date” rather that a possible “relationship date” it’s only up to you to change the future way you’re being treated. Even couples that have decided to be “friends with benefits” at least know the ground rules of being together.

Become the “safe date” where sex isn’t the immediate goal of the date.
Show that you’re putting the brakes on the sexual aspect of being together. Change the places of the dates from bars to places where you can both be together doing something that is fun, interactive and likely outside of what a normal date would be.

You’re future of dating this girl is in the next actions you make.
Best wishes,
Rob.