AdviceGeneral.com

Hi Rob,
I’m going nuts and need some good advice quick. Met a wonderful guy on holiday we get on fantastically after spending a month together we communicated on the phone for another two after I got back home until I told him I couldn’t accept the terms & conditions… he’s seeing someone and has been for a year, by the time I found out was in far too deep… anyway, like I said told him I couldn’t carry on communicating with him so we stopped for about a week then he started calling me again till I had another dose of bitter reality. He’s still seeing her. He has basically told me that he is falling for me fast, although I didn’t tell him so (and I kinda regret this now) I feel the same way.

I know I love him and I don’t want to appear flaky. Do you think I should devise someway of holding his attention in case him & her break up or should I just forget him all together?
Silly-billy

Hi Silly-billy,
He’s using you, plain and simple.

If he decides to dump the other girl and go with you only, he’ll cheat on you just as he cheated on her with you.

Do you really want that type of a guy as the most important person in your life?
No, you don’t.

I’d even go so far as to threaten to tell his current girl about the two of you. That will force him to show his true colors.

He’s just using you.
Get rid of him.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I read some of the questions about the friends with benefits subject and have one myself.

Mine is a little different. I’ll call him ‘J’. We met around 8 years ago, online, we just started talking and eventually met up and became friends, the first night we hooked up but it didn’t go far. We talked a lot online and the phone, he would come over a lot and we would hook up, watch movies, he’d pass out, since he worked odd hours it would sometimes be at like 4am.

My friends all knew him, some of my family even met him. We would go periods when we wouldn’t hook up a lot and just hang out. If we saw each other out we would be fine talking as if we were friends, it was never odd for us, well at least for me it wasn’t.

Throughout the years we have both dated people, one of mine ended up serious for almost 4 years and we had a child together. After I was with this other guy I stopped talking to J but eventually did get a hold of him, told him about my daughter and stuff and he asked for a picture, I sent it, and got a response that said “she kinda looks like me, you sure it’s his?” It was kind of an odd question but I assured him yes.

We talked during my relationship and when we broke up it started all over again with me and J. He met my daughter, we would go over there and he never acted weird with her or anything.

He has done me numerous favors and anytime I call him he makes himself available to help me. Well not long ago the all time worst fear happened, we got pregnant! We both decided at the time it was not right for either of us, we were both back in school trying to get degrees, I had my daughter to handle, and mutually decided to abort the pregnancy.

He was there the entire time, went to the doctor’s office with me, talked to them about the risks and everything, for such a terrible situation he was as good as he could get! Even after, I assumed things would be different with us, but it wasn’t.

We did not have sex for awhile after, we would talk and fool around, but no sex. Of course eventually it moved on again, and we had sex. My feelings are changing for him, I am not sure how he feels at all, I mean over 8 years, we have never once spoke about that, we talk about other people we have dated and how it doesn’t work out and shit, but never about us. He saw me out once and I was talking to another guy who works with him and he came up behind me and grabbed me to start dancing, I almost took it as a sign of jealousy, but it could have just been coincidence.

I think to myself well if he wanted more wouldn’t he say so? But then again, I have not said a word or hinted to it either, so I am not sure. It’s not like he comes here we jump in bed and that’s it, he plays with the dog, we lay down together and watch tv, he’ll cook for me, we do the whole cuddling thing after, we kiss goodbye, it doesn’t seem like just sex, but I am afraid to say anything, because if he doesn’t want more, I am afraid of loosing him altogether!

I am not insecure, but I think it has just been so long with us this way, it would be weird to have it any other way. I don’t even know how to approach him about it, face to face, I could never do it! But I feel like a coward doing it through an email or anything!

So I guess I need a little advice from someone who doesn’t know us and how we are outside of our friends….what do u think?????
Thanks- Confused

Hi Confused,
I’m not sure exactly what you’re sure of losing here.

You’re seeing a guy, not exclusively, not with any expectations (in his head) and you’re not sure where this will lead?

After 8 years he knows that you’ll be there whenever he wants you!

Despite all best intentions, despite the friendship you have, he’s just not as involved in making the relationship stronger or more committed because he doesn’t have to!!
This is even truer because you don’t ask him!

Now is the time to either shit or get off the pot (to be frank about it).
You need a man in your life that will be a part of your family on a permanent basis. If ‘J’ isn’t the guy now, then you have to decide: him or someone else?

Do you keep things they way they are and hide your unhappiness with the status of your relationship?

Your daughter needs stability, not a part-time-friend-of-mommy’s that comes and goes in her life.

If you’ve gone though one traumatic experience with him (the abortion) and now your inner-self is crying for someone that will love you without conditions attached.

Now is the time to ask him about completing your relationship, making it solid, fulfilling and official through marriage.
If he says no, so be it… move on with your life. Stop letting him use you. You know what you’ll be in for, don’t you?
If he says yes, great, you can start planning a life and a family and a home.

What do you say to him? Be forthright.
“Hi J, I think that it’s time to find out if this semi-relationship is going to get more serious. I want to provide stability and a father for my little girl and I need a man that I can count on full-time to be here with me, married, picket fences, all that.
J, are you this guy?”

But you have to ask.

I honestly feel sorry for the position you now find yourself in.
But now is the time to move forward and live the life you certainly deserve.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I was in a relationship with a man for nearly 2 years that for many reasons I ended up taking for granted. Most of all I had certain traditional ideas in my head about what sort of man I “should be” with and he didn’t quite fit this model.

We were close, spent a lot of time together and talked everyday, however for the past few months I began to pull away and would avoid answering questions about where the relationship was going and where things stood because of residual issues that had begun to plague me re a past 7-year relationship. I had begun to feel terrible guilt about the way I ended that relationship and jumped straight into this one.

Despite these issues I was completely devastated when recently I discovered my guy had a drunken one night stand with a female ‘friend’. We had just enjoyed a happy week together.

He came clean and after a few days we talked and he said he was desperately sorry and that although it wasn’t an excuse he had felt frustrated and unhappy about that state of things for a long time – he wanted a commitment. I then opened up about how I’d been dealing with some residual issues from my past relationship (which he had suspected) and we talked openly for the first time in ages. I told him I had been in contact with my ex, but that it had been completely platonic.

This situation has made me realise how much I need to leave issues from my past relationship behind and how I would like a truly committed relationship with this man who I love.

If we truly love each other and decide that we both want a committed, faithful relationship with each other we can move forward to a fresh beginning?
Many thanks
Denise

Hi Denise,
Yes you can move forward to a committed relationship, but:
You both need to get personal relationship counseling.

I think that it’s great that you can both accept who you are and now take responsibilities for the things you have done, to yourselves and others.
But you are not too dependent and open enough to say that these issues (your ex, his cheating) won’t pop up again, and soon, and be the deal breakers that they are.
Head off the trouble that is coming your way and start seeing a professional counselor now. Find one today.

There can be no real ‘fresh beginning’ until the past is finally put to rest, for the both of you.

You are not committed, you’ve been in contact with your ex (of 7 years) to find out where things went wrong. Well, my dear, things went wrong when you played at commitment but could not get married to this man you spent so much time with. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and you refused, or felt ‘not ready’ for him. You avoided commitment then and you are avoiding commitment now, your current boyfriend (of 2 years) is allowing that fear to be his reason for cheating. Drunk or not (although I don’t think ‘drunk’ is a valid excuse at all!) his actions have been reprehensible.

If you want to make these adult relationships work, and you’re serious with someone, marriage should be on the tips of each of your tongues after the first 6 months of dating exclusively. For you, not so much. I have to think that you have some fears that hold you back. And your current boyfriend is just ‘along for the ride’ with you. But when the marriage train pulls in, he’s off to new encounters.

You didn’t say that you have any kids. I certainly hope not. Children need parents, two of them, a mother and a father that is committed to raising them right, in a safe home.
Maybe this is why? Are you running away from ‘settling down’?

I want you to start by reading a book that is available from the front page of my website “Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. It’s a real page turner and is an excellent read for people in relationship trouble that they alone caused. I do believe that you created this situation, this unhappiness with your current partner because, not of past unresolved issues, but because you cannot allow yourself to be happy now.

I want you to be happy.
Read the book, get couples counseling, move your life forward to the committed relationship you truly desire.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I’ll get right to the point: I have major trust issues with my boyfriend of a year.

He has given me reason to distrust but we are working on it. He is a great guy but sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that he is hiding something.

Last night i snooped on his phone while he was asleep. I feel horrible about it but what I feel worse about is what i found. He was texting an old friend with a flirtatious “thinking of you” at 2:00am! I know of this friend and she supposedly knows of me. Her reply was simply, “thanks, i love you, i miss you.”

This broke my heart because I didn’t know what to think. There is every possibility that it could be friendly and every possibility that it could not. She lives in another city and I’m wondering if he has feelings for her but since she is gone, he doesn’t act on it.

I do not live with him but we are constantly together so I know there is no actual cheating, just unfaithfulness. I want to confront him real bad but I’m afraid to tell him I snooped. How should I do it? Should I do it at all? Am I over reacting? How can I make him see and understand how I feel without sounding like a crazy jealous, insecure girlfriend? thanks Rob.
Sandy

Hi Sandy,
If you want to ruin the situation you tell him from a cold start. But….

If you want him to come clean to you about what this girl means to him, ask him straight out, but like this “You know, I had a dream the other night and we were getting married and that girl you used to date showed up and you left with her. I was stranded at the altar. Are you hiding something from me?”
Just like that. Weird but to the point.

And let me tell you, if you have trust issues after 12 months of dating, there is more going on here that you talk about.

He’s hiding something, you just don’t know what. And you’re lying to yourself about what it might be, making excuses for him to yourself.

I hate to say “end the relationship” but give yourself a break… 12 months of dating and he’s communicating like that with his ex? He’s cheating on you, or at least he is “wishing” he was cheating on you. Because you’re together “every day” you give him no choice but to stay with you, but he doesn’t want you. Not totally.

You have to face up to this fact: he’s just with you until someone else comes along.

Start having a life that doesn’t include him. Be ”busy” once in a while, watch how fast he dumps you.

This will be a great test of your relationship: will he still date you if you aren’t “conveniently around” all the time?

Test him and act according to the results.
You need to know.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Rob,
Interesting set of events I have recently experienced.

I stumbled through most of it not knowing what I was doing, but today in a pensive mood I came across your website, and notice how spot-on relevant your articles have been to my experience.

Obviously I want the girl, but the question is the next move…

The story is that I met the girl who immediately made mention of a boyfriend.

No big deal because to me that is mostly a defensive move by a girl to figure out what you are at (what good looking girl doesn’t “kinda have a boyfriend”), at the time I wasn’t really looking, and if I decided to look, I figured she’d introduce me to some of her other single friends.

Soon, we started ending up at the same pub each week for a chat.

Well as you might guess, with me just hanging chill, a little aloof, and remaining in control and reserved, she opened up more and more to me.

I let her make the first phone call to me, the first text message, the first email. It was about that time that I began to notice all the body language ques she was initiating while chatting – fiddling about and “primping”, looking at my lips, glances to the eyes, invading my space, touching.

Honestly it was exciting to finally realize these things are happening… I’ve always been somewhat clueless. But I learned that she lived with her boyfriend.

She began to make excuses for me to walk her to her car… or find time for us to be alone.

At this point, Mr. Wussy came out and I internally made excuses for not making a move (“hey, I’m a good guy, I don’t want to break up her happy home life”).

Finally I made a weak move by telling her that if I didn’t think she were so happy with her current relationship, I’d push much more strongly for things.

Her response was that she “would keep it in mind.

She always thought something was there, but couldn’t do that right now.” Rather than the deathknell I figured that would work out to be, she seemed even more loving the next few times I saw her out. We never discussed her current relationship.

Finally during a innocuous conversation, she brought up that the previous night she hadn’t really enjoyed sex with her boyfriend and that it had been the first time she had had sex with him for several weeks.

I didn’t know if this was the homerun meatball I had been waiting on, or she just was toying with me. I just told her that my name isn’t Charlotte and I didn’t want to discuss her sex life…. I told her I needed to be away from her for a little while, because for this conversation to bother me, I am obviously too close to the whole issue.

I told her I knew what I wanted – her – but that I needed to get a grip on what the situation really was, and realize that it just wasn’t going to happen.

I walked out of her life, and returned anything she had “loaned” me so that I would have no excuse to contact her in the future. Basically at that point, I figured I was being strung along and didn’t want any more of it.

A few nights ago, after three weeks with no contact, I was weak and broke down, and decided to go out to see her.

I got an extremely chilly reception, which I had expected, and when she finally decided to talk to me, she hit me with “You just dropped me…”, “I’ve had to think about it every day”, “I thought you would be around for a long time,” “Its worse that you came back,” and then a barrage of things some pertinent, some not, just to see what would stick.

She concluded with “I always told you I have a boyfriend and where the boundaries were, and now I’ve lost a close friend and I’ve got to deal with that.

I think it is better if you just don’t come around anymore.” From the shotgun approach, I knew the real issue was that I had gotten to her, that she had to face those feelings, and that it was likely that it had somehow affected things at home. Incredibly, I also noticed when she calmed down and was listening to me that all those little signals from our good conversations were still there – it was a strange experience as most arguments I have experienced have been the gal just shutting down and shutting off.

And I absolutely had the feeling that she knew that I knew she was putting on a front and she didn’t really want me to leave.

So, my questions…. Was she all along just playing me for what she didn’t have at home?

Did my inner wussy stand in the way of making the correct move all those times and “rescuing” her from something she couldn’t decide to get out of?

Is this one dead?

Or is it better off dead?

If not what’s the next move?

Do I wait until she is single and then make the strong move – and how do I know when she is single if I am not in contact?

If I stay in contact, how do I do so without becoming the “friend?”

Really, really at the end of my rope and experience.
Thank you.

Hi,
Surprisingly enough I’ve had a similar experience… the girl used me for a while as a shoulder to cry on, as a testing dummy for her feminize sexuality, as a sounding board for her troubles with her boyfriend and as a crystal ball into her future.

What ended up was she dropped her boyfriend, moved out to her own place… and took up with a different guy within days, before I even knew what had occurred in her life.

Needless to say I was shocked to my core for being used that way.

After a couple of years I understood that what happened was destined to happen because I never could have offered her the life she had with her boyfriend, as troubled as it was, and that I was not the replacement for the man in her life, she just needed me to “push” her into taking charge of her own life.

I think that you’re on the same path.

This girl may really not like her life, but you offer a slice of sunshine, a ray of hope for change… whether that really will involve you, or you are just the launching pad of change in her life I cannot say.

From what you wrote I do honestly feel that the girl is lonely, stuck ina relationship that SHE refuses to work on improving, and is looking for greener grass and the will-power to move on, move out and get on with her life.

I do not recommend that you stay involved with her simply because she IS looking fir a change… and you are a piece of that fantasy life she wishes she had… but you really aren’t going to be a big part of, even if she does breakup with her current boyfriend, if she does move out, if she does date you.

This is just a bad set of events that do not make for a solid foundation for a relationship.

I hope I have given you food for thought.
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I’m a 15 year old boy, and I’m dating a girl three years my senior.

I know this has been said so many times before by millions of others, but I feel like I really love her with my whole heart, we talk about anything and everything, and we are not afraid to show our feelings to each other.

Now the problem:
I met her at a strip club, not that I have any problem with that, she’s a nice respectable girl, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I really want to pursue a relationship with her, and I don’t know how the knowledge of this girl’s (soon to be) previous job will bode with the feelings of my family.

She is quitting the job because she also wants to pursue a relationship with me, and she wants to return to school. I know there are an abundance of teenagers who think they are ready for love and marriage and so on, but I know most if not all fail to see how this may affect their lives.

I want to be the one who cares for her, protects her, and grows old with her, I’m new at asking advice, since my life has been pretty textbook until I met this girl, and everything is so confusing. I was just hoping you could help me clear my thoughts with some healthy advice.
Hope to hear from you,
Philip

Hi Philip,
You asked so I’m going to answer:
15 and 18 is too young to plan a life together. You both aren’t mature enough. You want to know how I can tell this about you?

Because you are making commitments that you can’t follow through on;
because you are deciding the rest of your life without talking to your parents about these changes you plan and these feelings you have;
because, at 15, you can’t even take care of yourself, no job, no education, no car, no place to live on your own, so how are you going to take care of someone else?
Now, I know what you’re going to say to me “Rob, I’ve thought it through and this is what I want to do”.

Well, if that were true, you’d have a plan to finish school, and let your ex-stripper girlfriend finish school too, before making these life-changing decisions.

As well, you would be talking to your parents about these decisions so that they can help you. But, usually is the case, teens hide these decisions from their parents because deep down they know that their parents will react negatively.

You have to change your plans from “the rest of your life” to “the rest of the year” type goals.

If you and your girlfriend can be honest with your parents about your plans you have a chance to succeed at these decisions. If you have to do all this behind their backs, you will continue to make mistakes and poor choices that will affect the rest of your life.
Honestly.

As teens mature and start to understand more about the life that is before them, as you get older and experiment with interactions with the opposite sex, it’s easy to start looking at life through a narrow lens.

Your focus changes from the latest video game and what to eat for a snack to how you can involve the person you love more and more into your life without thinking through the consequences.

But it is this narrow view that stops you from seeing life as it really is.
These “love blinders” don’t allow you to see a life with bills, payments, needing new clothes, groceries, a job that pays well enough to support yourself and the family you create.

As teens move from the “World is all centered around me” to the “World is about all I want to do”, the possibilities are overwhelming. The responsibilities of maturity are not yet understood or presented in a way to help a teen to make choices that benefits the rest of their lives. It’s only their immediate, and somewhat selfish needs (even involving others) that get any attention or thought.

Love, moving in together, having sex, being ready to make adult choices are powerful thoughts that cast these narrow lenses that stop you from seeing the whole world around you and your true place in it.

The world isn’t ready for you to make these choices as long as you try to make them on your own at this age.

I’m not saying don’t plan your future.
But I am saying that you need to stop thinking so selfishly. Stop thinking about your own desires, even if your girlfriend shares them with you.

Plan your future, just make sure that it involves the choices that your parents have also made for you so far: finish school, get a good job.

Then move out on your own, date, get married and have children on your own.
One step at a time; One adult responsibility at a time.

To sum up:
Get honest with yourself. Talk to your parents. Plan your life but finish school before making any life-changing commitments to anyone other than yourself.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My situation is probably a bit different than what you have heard.

I know for a fact that I am in a relationship with a controlling (verbally) boyfriend. I left him — for what I thought was for good — but then realized that I was pregnant with his baby and for some reason that I will never understand, I freaked out and went back out with him because I didn’t know what else to do.

This was 3 months ago.

Now, I realize that wasn’t the smartest choice. The most recent time I tried to break it off, he cried and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness, saying the last thing he wants is our relationship to be like his mom and birth dad’s (his mom divorced his birth dad when he was 2 months old because his birth dad was physically abusive).

My question now for women is:
1) What is the best/safest way to get out of a controlling relationship, and
2) How the heck do I get out now that I’m pregnant?!

I know I need to! I desperately need your help because I have no idea how to break it off for good and safely. (He has a history of severe anger..)
Mary-Ann

Hi Mary-Ann,
The best and safest way is to end it quickly and move out with a pre-planned plan when he is not there.

You should have an arranged safe place to go to… your parents, a trusted friend, a shelter for women.

If this is not possible make your move suddenly, take what you can, come back for anything else in a couple of weeks. Send a friend, family member… just not yourself alone.

You may need a restraint order, or an order of protection. The local court house will help you with this, or the police, there are public services that you need to use when needed.

Change the passwords and email accounts on everything.
Change or cancel cell phone plans.

Get your postal mail forwarded to a rented postal box, not your new address.

Cancel any joint accounts and bills that are in both your names: credit cards, electricity, phone bills, cable bills. Whatever. If the rental lease is in your name, see if you can get your name off it… understand the cost to break the lease but don’t let that stop you. Your own safety is worth more than any dollar amount. Stop using anything that is in his name only.

You’ll need financial support for your child but that is best handled by lawyers that are familiar with the family court system.

Keep a journal of everything that has happened, a daily diary. Leave nothing out. Abusive events… times when your safety was questionable… witnesses, police reports. Write everything down, every day, all the time. Write it on paper, write it online, tape record yourself, whatever it takes to keep a consistent record of your life, from this moment forward, your recent past… and right now as you read my email.

Your greatest strength on leaving him is in your support system: family, friends and local support facilities. Know them, and use them when needed.

You can do this, you’ve made the first step, you’ve reached out to me.
Make the next step, plan your safety route. And take it.
I wish you well,
Rob.