AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
I’m in a state of confusion whether to ‘breakup’ or end communicating with this guy. I’m 27 and he’s 26.

I met him online and we’ve been chatting for almost 6 months now.

He’s halfway round the world, obviously. We just talk things out if we’re not busy. We like each other but I guess he likes me more because he doesn’t seem to care if I have a boyfriend already ( I have a steady boyfriend for 6 years in a relationship).

I’m totally impressed with his style because for 6 months straight he remained respectful… not a typical guy you’ve met online who would go overboard, you know those stuffs. No pressure at all from him.

He used to tell me that we’re not talking ‘relationships’ but liking each other.  He said, he really doesn’t know why he likes me so much and remained communicating with me even though I shut out our communication for two months straight.

And I don’t even know what type of relationship we are in right now.

What it’s called Rob?

Of course I should not expect more out of this because I’m cheating with my boyfriend.

That’s the point.  So…

Why does this guy keeps me at bay?

He doesn’t want to end our communication. He said he’ll be around til we grow old. lol…  He said I have every right on him.. every right.  But he doesn’t want to open up his 3 year relationship with his ex. Could it be he still loves her? I’m just a cover up?

And he also told me that if I want to meet him I just have to say so. But as I see it,  no strings attached, since he’s got plans to have a girlfriend in his place.

It’s just that he doesn’t found someone special. He used to say that why we’re so far from each other.

He’s culture bound and he’s not christian.

What do you think Rob?

Hi,

I think you are cheating on the guy you’re with and looking for a reason to escape this relationship.

I’m not going to give it to you. But I think you’ll make that one up for yourself.

6 years in a relationship and still dating? Living together without a firm commitment on marriage?

Do you see why you have doubts?

You need to decide for yourself which is going to be the better relationship, the one you have now or your fantasy guy that you met online. 6 months of chatting doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

You are in a fantasy relationship with this online guy, that’s what it’s called.

When you meet someone online my rule is: “You never know someone until you can smell them”.

There are big differences between his culture and yours. Watch out. There is a lot more to this story and what you’re not telling me are the reasons why you don’t think this ‘relationship” would work. Follow your gut instinct about this, and end it.

And if you do go to visit him, yes, there are strings attached. You are becoming emotionally attached to this shadow guy, this figment of an online boyfriend. End it now.

I really think you need some single time or counselling to decide why you have allowed yourself to put yourself in this situation.

What are you looking for outside of your current relationship?

Best wishes,

Rob

Dear Rob,
I just want to confirm that I am in a controlling relationship.

I have been married to my husband for 14 years. Dated him for 6 years before getting married, so we’ve been together for 20 years. We met in high school and he had always been a jealous guy. He was jealous of some of my male friends, not all of them. He would choose which ones he didn’t think I should be friends with anymore since I was with him now, especially my ex-boyfriend. He would expect me to ignore or be mean to my ex-boyfriend if we saw him in public somewhere to prove my loyalty to him. If I would go out with friends, he would ask me all kinds of questions like did I meet or dance with any guys.

I accepted all this because I thought we were young and he was just immature and would change as he grew up. So, we got married, had kids and everything was fine because I was home all the time with kids and working. Didn’t have time for anything else.

As the kids got older, I started having more freedom to be able to go out with friends again. It seemed like his jealousy from high school started again. He would call my cell phone at least 20 times while I was out. Or, call my girlfriend’s husband’s to really find out if I was out with the girls.

He did this all in subtle ways. Let me explain: when he called my cell phone several times, he would make excuses for calling, so it wouldn’t seem he was checking on me. Like he would say he couldn’t find something or tell me a friend called and he was giving me a message or wanted to know if I was safe and he was worried. When he called my friend’s husbands he would talk about other things with them and then gradually bring up something like “so, the girls are at so and so tonight, huh”? This way he would find out if I was really with them. He only called my friend’s husbands when I was out. Otherwise, he wasn’t friends with any of them. He would call me this much even when I was at the grocery store. I felt like I was being stalked. I felt creepy like I was being watched and he said he was just being a worried husband and I should be glad that he cares. If I came home late from work, he would call my whole family to find out where I was and make my family seem like I was irresponsible for not checking in with him. I only went to buy milk on the way home. He even had my 4 year daughter catching on to his behavior. She would wait by the door for me to come home from work and check the digital clock if it was after 5:00 and start crying if I was home past 5. He is very subtle in his ways. What I mean by this is he’s not loud or demanding toward me. It’s the things he would say, like “I’m a caring husband”, or maybe you’re clinically depressed and should see a doctor”, or “this is just the way I am, I worry too much”.

There’s a lot more but this is just some of the examples. We have money issues too which I think is part of his controlling nature. When I told him we need counselling, he would tell me to go alone and that I am the one with the problem because I can’t accept him the way he is. He thought my unhappiness was brought on by something medically wrong with me and even made my mother believe it. They both wanted me to go to a doctor to find out why I was feeling the way I am. She thought I was depressed. When I tell him I want to separate, rather than trying to make things work, he would threaten me and say he would keep the kids and that I shouldn’t try to find someone else because no one will accept me with all my kids.

Well, that was 4 years ago. We are divorced now and I am remarried. I never felt so much relief in my life after leaving him. Even though he never hit me or called me names, it’s the jealousy that made me feel creepy towards him. However, I am still feeling so guilty about the fact that my marriage failed and I let my kids down and my oldest (the one that would wait by the door when she was 4) thinks I left because I cheated on him. His whole family believes that even though I met my new husband after all this. I need to find a way to get over my guilt for getting a divorce. He makes me feel sorry for him for leaving. Is my guilt the result of staying in a controlling relationship for too long? I started to believe what I’ve been told all these years?

Thanks in advance for any encouragement you can give,
Ruth

Hi Ruth,
Yes, he was controlling you. His subtle ways became more obvious over time to you.
His jealousy and insecurity that you were too good for him led him to a level of jealousy that has it’s only output as control of the person you are with.
Control of where you are, who you are with, who you are allowed to speak with and even be friends with. Control of money, spending and even gift buying.

I am happy that you had the courage to endure and face the reality of your situation and end the abuse you suffered from your teen years until now. You have no reason to feel guilty about the divorce or how he tricked your family into believing the worse of you. That was all part of his control. His abuse. His uncontrolled jealousy.
You didn’t let anyone down, you did the best you could under the most difficult of situations.

I hope that your letter will bring encouragement to many other women out there in similar situations of abuse.
Thanks for writing me!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
My girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me and her excuse is that she needs me to grow up and start acting like an adult. Let me start from the beginning.

We met off myspace and talked from Dec 4th to Jan 3rd. Jan 4th was our first date and things got really sexual really fast in the car like teenagers.

Met at the Lowes just to “meet” and kissed and hugged each other. I had lost my car in a accident so I was borrowing a friends and couldn’t see each other like regular people and had to take what we could get.

Anyway, she invites me over to her mom’s house where she lives with her then 4 month old son. We had sex. For a month and a half it was great. Then my mom finds out she is mixed. (Half white and half black) and I’m Italian. She opposes it and yells at me. I sit and think does my girlfriend really need this unnecessary drama?

After Valentines it was easier to say this is my “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” when introduced so we just went with it and agreed.

Back to the mom thing. So, I make up this big lie to my girlfriend and say I talked to my ex-girlfriend about something VERY VERY intimate and she flips and wants to break up with me like I had planned because I wanted her to think I was the bad guy. I tell her the truth 2-3 days later after some friends say to “tell her the truth!”

We go from that then a month later she invites me over and we sit on the bed for 45 minutes without saying a word. I go to sleep with my clothes on and back turned to her. She does the same. I try to put my arm on her for 5 different times that night and she throws it off of her. I wake up for work and say F–k this stuff, I’ve had it! I get all my stuff together set it in a pile at the bottom of the bed. I wake her up to let me out and she waits by the door. I usually kiss her and all that stuff but I just said I’ll be back to pick my stuff up later today. She does a head shake and is like HUH! and surprised.

Then she asks if anything is wrong, I think I over reacted and say no. I’ll be back tonight if you want, kiss her and say the good things. She puts the clothes and my weirdness that morning together and calls me crying and what not. We go thru that and find out we need COMMUNICATION. We make a rule, if we have a big drama fest like this again it’s time to call it a day with us. A month passes and bam, in 3 weeks she changes. 2 calls a day to 1 call a day and no more I miss you’s and then stops inviting me over. We break up Monday and says ” If you grow up I will take you back. I won’t date anybody and just want you. I will miss you more then you know and you are my perfect guy. Please grow up and come back to me. Call me please”
I cry and we end it. I then ask her if she really meant it and she said yes. I say give me 2-3 months and I can do it. She says not enough time. Should I believe her or what? I don’t know if I should do what she ask or just move on.
HELP ME PLEASE!
Ready or Not

Hi Ready or Not,
You didn’t tell me your age but I can guess that you’re both under 30.

What I do know:
You met after an “online romance” went face-to-face and had sex;

She is in a highly emotional state because she has a new baby, she has a ex-boyfriend that is not in the picture anymore;

The both of you live with your mom’s, if not both parents;

You are immature in not understanding the “unique” situation she is in, with baby and all.

She does not have time to wait for you to decide to become an “instant dad”. And I don’t blame her…

This is a tough situation for all involved, both of your parents included.

My gut says, back off, you’re not ready for ALL of this responsibility. Life with this girl is a lot more that boyfriend-girlfriend issues, there is a whole family, make that three families, involved.

If you were living on your own, if you have a responsible job, a life that is moving forward, I would tell you to keep going after her.
This is not the case, is it?

You do have a decision to make:
Job, Own Place, Life with GF and adopted kid, OR
A Life of your own.

And I agree with her, you’re just not ready yet, choose your own life right now, not to be a part of hers, you’re just not ready dude!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
Ok I feel kinda silly doing this but I have no other choice.

I am 20 years old and for some odd and weird reason I have fallen for a younger guy, (he will turn 18 in Nov.) that goes to my church. I am the pastor’s daughter.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s his age, past, or because I’m the pastor’s daughter but he has me so confused. We’ve spent a whole lot of time together since April and our friendship has grown. We haven’t been on any dates, the only time we have been able to talk is at church and we do write to each other constantly.

I started liking him first and then I could tell that he liked me too. He finally told me he likes me and our friendship or relationship… whatever you can call it has been great for the most part. We have had some misunderstandings but we’ve gone past them mostly because I was the one to bring them up. He has clearly told me that I have “control of the deck” I am always leading the conversations and he pretty much just goes from there… he doesn’t open up to me at all even though I’ve made the effort to open up to him. His age doesn’t bother me but his actions do.

He and I are really compatible. We get along so great. I do know that his past bothers him a lot and he has told me that I would be “disappointed”. He has expressed how he feels at times but that’s pretty much it. I do let him know that I am here for him.

We talk as much as we can and I know he does like me a lot. He seems distant many times but always does something to let me know he wants to talk to me or be around me, he flirts with me a lot too. I’m crazy for this guy so what I want to know is if he really does like me for who I am. He never compliments me and ever since he told me he likes me he hasn’t really mentioned it again. I just think he is afraid to do or say the wrong things so he just chooses not to say anything to hurt me. I also don’t want to take advantage of him and his situation. I don’t want him to think that since I’m there for him that he has to like me, I want him to like me for me and not because he feels obligated to. Can you give me any advice on this situation?? If you need more info… trust me I can give it.
Thanx in advance,
silly 20 year old

Hi Silly,
Not only is your “friend” distant but he’s immature as far as having any type of relationship with a woman.

He is masking his need to control people by his seeming complacency in your interactions, i.e. he doesn’t lead the conversation he only agrees with what you’re talking about and continues talking along those lines.

It’s not matter of you “being there” for him. He isn’t looking for someone to lean on, he’s too into himself to be worried about other people, and how their actions relate to him.

I’d bet that he has a whole other life outside of church, one that you aren’t aware of.

He doesn’t compliment you not out of shyness but because it just doesn’t occur to him to say anything like that.

Even the pastor’s daughter deserves to have a dating life, but I don’t think this is the guy you should be seeing.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I have been seeing Charlie* for about 5 months. Charlie* is and engineer and works late, which means its hard to see him regularly because of late shifts. Usually on his early days or days off we’ll get together for dinner or a drink. This results in an over night stay at his place. We have been sleeping together sexually for about 3 months and it is monogamous. I told him that I am attracted to him and his response was “I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I am interested in you.” What’s that mean and how am I supposed to act towards him?

I took the comment as us being friends with benefits. But friends don’t pay for dinner or drinks every time and refuse to take money when someone offers to help out with the bill. I am very confused with how he treats me. I am really into Charlie* and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m not pushy with it but I need a man’s advice on what to in a situation like this. Do I stick around and wait for him to see that I am relationship material or what? Or is it a lost cause and should I just remain friends?
-In a dilemma

Hi dilemma,
He won’t change, you need to.
Change boyfriends, that is.

And I wouldn’t even call him about it. You can be his big loss.

Guys that have ‘friends with benefits’ are the biggest users around. They get everything they want/need without caring how the other person actually feels. I bet you’ve had many sleepless nights wondering what’s going on while he beside you snoring away.

As for him paying the bills, that can be one of two things:
he realizes that he makes more money than you, so he pays, or
he figures it’s the least that he can do, to keep the benefits rolling in (without realizing that he’s practically prostituting you!)

You need to end this and find someone to settle down with, pronto.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I was wondering if I could have the chance to ask your advise?

I met this guy online about 5 months ago and he lives in Cairo, Egypt. Everyday for the past 5 months we talk faithfully online with Instant Messaging and we both have web cameras so we see each other, and we talk on the phone and also send letters to each other. I have met his parents and 2 brothers and sister-in-law, and niece, and I chat with them too.

Ok, my question to you is, I know that him and I come from 2 different worlds, which includes culture and religion. We have talked about this before and I don’t have any problems with this, I really think that I love him in my heart, and that he is my soul mate. I want to fly to Egypt in February or March 2007, and we want to get married. Do you think that I would be a fool to do this?? Or should I just go with what my heart feels?

I would appreciate your advise or opinion.
Thank you
Carol

Hi Carol,
Making such life changing decisions before you actually meet this guy in his world, in his lifestyle, is a mistake. You’ll be rushing love before you been know how he smells. Whether he chews his food with his mouth open. If he showers daily.

You need to do a lot of background research on his culture and religion and how women fit into this life you are possibly joining.
You need to know how you will be supported, if you will be needing to work.
You need to know if you will remain living where he is or you will return ‘home’ at some point.

If you do go and meet him face to face, and by all means do, keep the visit short, 7 days at the most. Have a hotel booked. Stay there yourself.
DO NOT go and be dependent upon him for travel, food, accommodations.
If he wants you to stay with him you will be dependent on him and things could easily turn bad.
Keep your passport in the hotel safe.
Be sure you have family and friends that you have told what is happening, that you will call at prearranged times during your visit.

Be careful and truth that he is the love you think he is.
But be prudent and have an escape plan if things don’t turn out.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I was in a relationship with a man for nearly 2 years that for many reasons I ended up taking for granted. Most of all I had certain traditional ideas in my head about what sort of man I “should be” with and he didn’t quite fit this model.

We were close, spent a lot of time together and talked everyday, however for the past few months I began to pull away and would avoid answering questions about where the relationship was going and where things stood because of residual issues that had begun to plague me re a past 7-year relationship. I had begun to feel terrible guilt about the way I ended that relationship and jumped straight into this one.

Despite these issues I was completely devastated when recently I discovered my guy had a drunken one night stand with a female ‘friend’. We had just enjoyed a happy week together.

He came clean and after a few days we talked and he said he was desperately sorry and that although it wasn’t an excuse he had felt frustrated and unhappy about that state of things for a long time – he wanted a commitment. I then opened up about how I’d been dealing with some residual issues from my past relationship (which he had suspected) and we talked openly for the first time in ages. I told him I had been in contact with my ex, but that it had been completely platonic.

This situation has made me realise how much I need to leave issues from my past relationship behind and how I would like a truly committed relationship with this man who I love.

If we truly love each other and decide that we both want a committed, faithful relationship with each other we can move forward to a fresh beginning?
Many thanks
Denise

Hi Denise,
Yes you can move forward to a committed relationship, but:
You both need to get personal relationship counseling.

I think that it’s great that you can both accept who you are and now take responsibilities for the things you have done, to yourselves and others.
But you are not too dependent and open enough to say that these issues (your ex, his cheating) won’t pop up again, and soon, and be the deal breakers that they are.
Head off the trouble that is coming your way and start seeing a professional counselor now. Find one today.

There can be no real ‘fresh beginning’ until the past is finally put to rest, for the both of you.

You are not committed, you’ve been in contact with your ex (of 7 years) to find out where things went wrong. Well, my dear, things went wrong when you played at commitment but could not get married to this man you spent so much time with. Marriage is the ultimate commitment, and you refused, or felt ‘not ready’ for him. You avoided commitment then and you are avoiding commitment now, your current boyfriend (of 2 years) is allowing that fear to be his reason for cheating. Drunk or not (although I don’t think ‘drunk’ is a valid excuse at all!) his actions have been reprehensible.

If you want to make these adult relationships work, and you’re serious with someone, marriage should be on the tips of each of your tongues after the first 6 months of dating exclusively. For you, not so much. I have to think that you have some fears that hold you back. And your current boyfriend is just ‘along for the ride’ with you. But when the marriage train pulls in, he’s off to new encounters.

You didn’t say that you have any kids. I certainly hope not. Children need parents, two of them, a mother and a father that is committed to raising them right, in a safe home.
Maybe this is why? Are you running away from ‘settling down’?

I want you to start by reading a book that is available from the front page of my website “Have The Relationship You Want’ by Rori Raye. It’s a real page turner and is an excellent read for people in relationship trouble that they alone caused. I do believe that you created this situation, this unhappiness with your current partner because, not of past unresolved issues, but because you cannot allow yourself to be happy now.

I want you to be happy.
Read the book, get couples counseling, move your life forward to the committed relationship you truly desire.
Best wishes,
Rob.