I stumbled upon your site and have found your advice/entries very insightful. Soo…after a string of bad dates and less than helpful responses from my friends, I decided “What the hell…I’ll ask”.

I just moved from a very small town, to a very big city. My life has changed completely since I have made the move, and to be honest, all for the better. I am happier, healthier, and being in my mid-20′s and single-this a good thing. Thus, I decided to branch out onto the dating scene. I joined 2 popular online dating sites, expecting the best…and it has been less than the best. I am very forward about being open to a relationship but I am not looking for it. If it happens, it happens. With the mentality in mind, I have been on numerous dates and they have all lead to the same thing- a quick lunch/dinner or drink and then some form of a sexual encounter. I may be running in circles but bare with me. I am not opposed to casual encounters, but at the same time, I feel as if though I am doing something wrong that every date has lead to a sexual encounter. Finally, I stopped it-and the minute I set my boundaries-they dropped like flies.
So to review my scenario: I go out on a date or two-it becomes sexual and thats that. I change my mind and approach (because I am getting tired of the same old, same old) and the guy TRIES to get what he wants-and they are out like yesterday’s garbage. I think I may be doing something wrong. Futhermore, the reason I am asking about this is because I went on a date with a guy that was really not my type at all. We spent time together, enjoying one another etc etc. Of course, we flirted, but he respected my boundaries. After the encounters where I felt comfortable, we initiated sex. And now- he has completely dropped from sight. No response-no nothing. Why I ask-is because for the first time I felt good about someone on level that was not sexual-and look where it gets me. Not every man I meet will be that way, I know. It is probably the time in my life to be experiencing the bad with the good-but I just need to understand why. If there is something that I need to assert about myself, I want to know. If I am doing it all right, then I want to know. I’m in sales- I get that everyone needs to sell somebody to get what they may want or need from them-but beyond the initial sell-its just you and that person. I guess understanding the inbetweens of things may help.

I write and think in circles, so I do apologize for the chaos.

I have read some of the advice you have given and it sounds like you are really good at it. I am in desperate need of advice right now and I’m so glad I found this website. A couple of months ago I met this guy and spent a beautiful weekend with him away from home. When I got back home he didnt call me. He actually asked me to call him when I left and I did but he never answered. I thought he was interested but more days went by and he never tried to contact me unless i made the first move. I had a talk with him and he pretty much told me he wasnt looking for the same things I was looking for so I stoped talking to him. A couple of weeks ago I sent him a message and he actually told me he had been thinking aboout me and that he wanted us to move in together and have a baby. I accepted and he seemed really excited about it and happy. These last few days he hasnt communicated much with me. He never calls me, and doesnt text me unless I text him first. I don’t know why he ignores my text messages at times and never calls me. I dont call him either because I don’t want to bug him but if I’m going to start a family with this man i think there needs to be more communication and I don’t think he gets that. What do u think is going on with this guy and why is he behaving this way?

Cut off all contact and do it now! Tell family and friends how he has assaulted you in the past.
He will hurt you. Get the police involved as soon as needed.

He won’t change and you won’t be able to change him. I guess your decision is: do you like in the main house or in the barn?
Can you continue to love a man that has no ambition, not even your own happiness.

I suggest several “deep” talks about your future together and if you can’t get what you want (no compromising!) then there are better places for you to be.

Best wishes,
Rob

I’ve been dating the same guy for 3.5 years. We met in college our freshmen year, became great friends, but didn’t start dating until mid-way through our sophomore year. We always say how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with your best friend, and how easy it makes things. We graduated in 2009 and have spent the past year living abroad, returning only recently to start the job hunt.

There are several, very intertwining, issues that are bothering me and I just want an unbiased opinion on whether these are things I should truly be worried about, or if I’m just being paranoid! Let me start out by telling you a little about each of us.

I grew up in an affluent and rather old family of the city in which I live. In the home I grew up in, things like dressing very neatly and appropriately, exhibiting proper etiquette and working hard were always emphasized. I went to private schools my entire life and despite several diagnosed learning disabilities, have still managed to achieve some manner of academic success. Although I was never top of my class, I was always well commended for working hard and not giving up at anything I undertook.

He grew up in a small city, the child of divorced parents. His father left his mother for another woman when he was 3 years old and his mother never remarried. His mother has held steady, although lower salaried jobs, his entire life. Because of this, things like table manners, how to properly conduct himself in public, etc. were never taught or emphasized when he was younger. Today, he still lacks these skills to an abhorrant level. (He claims that these things just weren’t emphasized in his home as being important in life and doesn’t see the need in learning – a complete 180 from my family’s beliefs). I think also as a byproduct of the intense codependency of his and his mother’s relationship, he is turning into what I would call a “mama’s boy”. He is currently living at home, with no plans of leaving or finding his own place. Additionally, his work ethic is not up to par with what I would expect. He has done well, we both graduated from the same university with roughly the same GPA, but he has never pushed himself to do better or become involved in anything or do more than the bare minimum required of him. For example, while abroad I became the faculty advisor to a certain organization. After a long talk about how I was worried that he never became involved in anything, he would begin coming to meetings, but sit in the back and play games on his laptop. Additionally, now that we are back in the States I am talking about moving to his hometown while he continues to live with his mother.

The possibility of us becoming engaged in the near future is leaving me flustered (particularly with talk of a hand-me-down ring!).I see my friends with boyfriends who take them on romantic weekend getaways and make special overture of affection towards them and am starting to have second doubts about our relationship. Everything he does for me that is outside of his usual routine is only because I asked for it. My parents while admitting he has his “good qualities” would certainly not be too agrieved if I ended it. He truly is the best friend I have ever had, but I’m begining to wonder if I should have just kept him in the “friend” category to begin with.

Are these things I should be truly concerned with, or am I simply trying to hold him to unrealistic standards?