Cut off all contact and do it now! Tell family and friends how he has assaulted you in the past.
He will hurt you. Get the police involved as soon as needed.

He won’t change and you won’t be able to change him. I guess your decision is: do you like in the main house or in the barn?
Can you continue to love a man that has no ambition, not even your own happiness.

I suggest several “deep” talks about your future together and if you can’t get what you want (no compromising!) then there are better places for you to be.

Best wishes,
Rob

I’ve been dating the same guy for 3.5 years. We met in college our freshmen year, became great friends, but didn’t start dating until mid-way through our sophomore year. We always say how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with your best friend, and how easy it makes things. We graduated in 2009 and have spent the past year living abroad, returning only recently to start the job hunt.

There are several, very intertwining, issues that are bothering me and I just want an unbiased opinion on whether these are things I should truly be worried about, or if I’m just being paranoid! Let me start out by telling you a little about each of us.

I grew up in an affluent and rather old family of the city in which I live. In the home I grew up in, things like dressing very neatly and appropriately, exhibiting proper etiquette and working hard were always emphasized. I went to private schools my entire life and despite several diagnosed learning disabilities, have still managed to achieve some manner of academic success. Although I was never top of my class, I was always well commended for working hard and not giving up at anything I undertook.

He grew up in a small city, the child of divorced parents. His father left his mother for another woman when he was 3 years old and his mother never remarried. His mother has held steady, although lower salaried jobs, his entire life. Because of this, things like table manners, how to properly conduct himself in public, etc. were never taught or emphasized when he was younger. Today, he still lacks these skills to an abhorrant level. (He claims that these things just weren’t emphasized in his home as being important in life and doesn’t see the need in learning – a complete 180 from my family’s beliefs). I think also as a byproduct of the intense codependency of his and his mother’s relationship, he is turning into what I would call a “mama’s boy”. He is currently living at home, with no plans of leaving or finding his own place. Additionally, his work ethic is not up to par with what I would expect. He has done well, we both graduated from the same university with roughly the same GPA, but he has never pushed himself to do better or become involved in anything or do more than the bare minimum required of him. For example, while abroad I became the faculty advisor to a certain organization. After a long talk about how I was worried that he never became involved in anything, he would begin coming to meetings, but sit in the back and play games on his laptop. Additionally, now that we are back in the States I am talking about moving to his hometown while he continues to live with his mother.

The possibility of us becoming engaged in the near future is leaving me flustered (particularly with talk of a hand-me-down ring!).I see my friends with boyfriends who take them on romantic weekend getaways and make special overture of affection towards them and am starting to have second doubts about our relationship. Everything he does for me that is outside of his usual routine is only because I asked for it. My parents while admitting he has his “good qualities” would certainly not be too agrieved if I ended it. He truly is the best friend I have ever had, but I’m begining to wonder if I should have just kept him in the “friend” category to begin with.

Are these things I should be truly concerned with, or am I simply trying to hold him to unrealistic standards?

miss

You do seem quite insightful so perhaps you can lend me a few minutes of your time to help me figure out this issue. I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years, we met in college. I was 20 and he was 19. He was the nice guy that every girl ignores. I would have done the same but I was in a really bad place in my life so I decided to take a break from the a-holes. Anyhow, things seemed great but he had an issue with my weight right from the start. So he didn’t want to commit. I said o.k and we tried to go our separate ways. Couldn’t get over how much we fit together like two missing puzzle pieces. He decided that the weight issue wasn’t that big of an issue when he really thought about it. So life happened things got crazy 7 months in the relationship we had a surprise pregnancy. Now that my son is 10 months old and its been 2.5 years my boyfriend decided that he doesn’t love me anymore. That he lied to himself for a year and to me. He claims he isn’t in love with me and has no love for me at all. Dumped me so that he could “live” his life and sleep with a “bunch of random girls and possibly settle down when hes 30-35″. He says that he doesn’t want to wake up at age 60 with regrets so hes going to live his life with minimal regrets. This came as a total suprise. We rarely ever argue. We’re bestfriends. I thought things were great. I knew he was stressed b/c of school and fears or not finding a job when he graduates, his mom being sick, yadda yadda. I just never imagined that he wanted to break up to get with other girls. He moved back in after 3 days of living as a bachelor. We’re still living together b/c of money and the baby. He still claims to not love me but his whole idea of what being in love is sounds so messed up. He thinks b/c he doesn’t find me attractive anymore then he must not love me, but he does find me attractive so it doesn’t make sense in his head. He says that there is nothing left there and that is why it had to end. Is this something he will get over? Do I just step aside and let the man I love go out and sleep with a bunch of random girls for 10 years? he says that when hes 30 he’d like to get back with me and hates that we met too early. After all, I was his first girlfriend and first everything. So he says that he wants to experience other women and thats what this is basically about. He also claims that if I were to lose a bunch of weight he thinks it might stop him from having wandering eyes. He promised this “contract” for a year. The deal is, If I don’t “move” on with another guy then he won’t move on either. If I even talk to another guy he will “match it” and talk to some girl any girl. So its almost as if we’re still in a relationship. Except the official title. We did have sex twice. So does this constitute as friends with benefits? How do I make sense of this whole thing and take him seriously when it doesn’t even make sense to him.