AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
Hi. I am very confused right now.

I was dating this new guy for a couple months and things were going good, but a few months ago I broke up with him because I had moved out of town & the long distance wasn’t working for me. Although my ex later tells me that the breakup was a total surprise to him because he thought everything was going really good. He even said that he could have loved me.

I still see him and hang out with him & his family whenever im in town and whenever we’re with each other, it’s like we never broke up. We still sit next to each other, snuggle up under the blanket together & even still have sex.

I have been very devastated with my breaking off the relationship & i’ve been wanting to get back together with him. He always says he still cares about me & he always takes care of me when I need him.

He even let me stay with him & his family when I got kicked out of my parents house.

I have been wondering if maybe he wanted me back to so I asked him what he thought of us and our relationship but unfortunately he replied saying that he needed to tell me before I got to thinking something.

That what has been going on with us is just fun and that he doesn’t want me letting myself get hurt.

I asked why he didn’t want to be with me again thinking maybe it was because he was afraid of me leaving him again, but he said that he was single and that he wanted to stay single.

I am now so confused of what he wants from me and what I should do. I would greatly appreciate your advice!
Sincerely,
A Confused Woman

Hi Confused,
Break off with him completely and do it now.

You’re just “fun and sex” now that you’re not 100% available because of the distance involved.
You will not have a relationship that works because he cannot commit to you.

End things now and stay away from him. He has said the truth, he wants to stay single and that does not put you into the picture of the life he wants for himself.

If he calls, then tell him what I said (tell him you read a similar situation online). He will either explain or say it’s the truth. Then you will have your answer from him.

Best wishes,
Rob

Hi Rob,
I absolutley love your website and now that I have gotten myself into a confusing situation I thought I could most definately use your advice.

Well I met a guy about a year ago and we started dating after a while within a couple months I knew I was head over heals in love.

Which is completely out of my charactar, I don’t fall easy, I don’t give in easy.

Anyways I broke up with him after discovering that he was talking to another girl he says no cheating occured but I will never know exactly what happen.

After being without him for a while I started to miss him terribly and I have tried cutting off contact but it feels impossible.

We talked and he doesn’t want to get back together because he says love came to quick for him and he doesn’t want to get hurt or hurt me. I do not know whether that is the coward way of telling me he doesn’t want to be with me or if that is true. I don’t understand…

He texts saying he misses me, I can’t go more than 3 days without recieving some sort of text or phone call so I know I’m on his mind… Could this be a case of him wanting what he can’t have? Could it be a game?

As soon as I have my mind set on moving on and not speaking to him he does something that ruins my intentions. He talks about getting together later on but I don’t understand why not now.

And now I have become the ex girlfriend that sleeps with her ex which I DESPISE I never wanted to be a friends with benefits, I don’t need that but I can’t seem to make that clear.

I know most people would say hes using me or I have become his “booty call” and all that noise, but it just doesn’t feel that way; he’s my bestfriend when we’re together we laugh non stop, and even though we are broken up it doesn’t feel any different.

I thought that maybe if I stop sleeping with him and ignore him he will want me back since you always seem to want what you can’t have, and that maybe I need to give him time to miss me.

After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I haven’t been able to do so. What should I do? And from your perspective what is his agenda? Thankyou for listening, and for your advice…
Sincerely,
Paulette

Dear Paulette,
There are two things in your future:
1. You stop sleeping with him, and since you’re really not in an emotional or romantic relationship, that’s the last you will see of him
2. He will keep you FWB’ing him until someone with more potential comes along.

You can NEVER jumpstart an old relationship with sex. Doesn’t happen, never did, never will.

“He talk about getting together later on” is code for “what you have right now doesn’t count but maybe in the future, if I really run out of options, or lose my job and need you to support me, then we can start telling people we’re ‘hanging out together’” which, of course, none of your friends know about your secret, right?

The only thing absence will give you here, honey, is the opportunity to turn your life around, and fast. And you’re life doesn’t involves him, not on this planet, not this world.

You want to test him? Tell him you want a summer wedding and a honeymoon in France “when the time is right”.

The next sentence you hear from him will be “I don’t think we’re there yet” or some other nonsense.
Then:
- Tell him to leave, immediately.
- Pack up whatever stuff he left behind, throw it all in a box or garbage bag. Leave him a voice mail that all his stuff is on the curb, waiting for him, “And that is the last time I want your shadow on my part of the city!”

Of course I could be wrong, but my track record so far has been quite good.
Best wishes,
Rob

Dear Readers,
In the holiday rush some of you might not have received an answer to your question emailed to me.

Please email me again.

Best wishes for a great 2010!
Rob

Hi advice guy!
You’ve answered me a couple times in the past and I’ve been very appreciative. I’m hoping maybe you have some advice for my current situation.

So, I’ve been dating a guy for six months now. When I met him, he had been divorced for almost a year and separated from his wife for a year and a half. His ex-wife pretty much pulled the rug out from underneath him one day and said she wanted out of the marriage. He found out about a month later that she was having an affair with a 55 year old professor at the college they both attended. Now that I’ve met his family and known him for 6 months, I am very confident that while things were probably not perfect between them, the divorce was mostly about her father issues. I don’t think my guy was much of a factor, though he probably missed some red flags about her since he married her when he was fairly young.

Now, he and I have a very good relationship. He still does a lot of pursuing, thought I reciprocate a lot more now. We spend a ton of time together, we have great chemistry on all levels, lots of fun together, etc, etc. All in all, it’s a very good fit and I’ve felt for a while now that I have probably met the person I will marry.

He seems to know that’s where we are headed, and it clearly terrifies him. He says it’s not so much the getting married part, but everything that has to happen after that overwhelms him — buying a house, having kids, etc. Though, he has been very clear that he wants a family some day. He told me he would never understand what he’s feeling right now unless he had been through the divorce and that he knows it’s probably hard for me to understand why he feels that way. He said he doesn’t want to date anyone else, he loves me and thinks I’m wonderful, but he just wants to take things one day at a time right now. Basically, things are great with us right now. We enjoy being with eachother a lot. He’s just uncertain about how soon he wants to do the marriage thing, while at the same time putting a lot of pressure on himself because he says he’s not the kind of guy who’s going to date me for two years without either moving things forward or ending it as soon as he knows he’s not ready to get married for a while.

So, in a nut shell, here is my fear: In six months or so, he’s still not ready to get married again and we break up because of it. The thing is, I have no timeframe and I’m putting no pressure on him. He’s doing all of that to himself. I just love being with him, and if we get married some day, I want it to be because he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, not because we’ve been dating for a while and it’s the “right thing to do”.

He treats me so well. He’s planned several very nice things for my birthday in December. We’re going on a trip together in January. I’ve met his whole family and he says they like me a lot. He calls me pretty much every day to talk, at least for a little while, he spends a ton of time with me. He does small sweet things for me too. He’s very thoughtful and caring.

In a way, I feel like there’s nothing I can do except what he said — take things one day at a time and things will become clear to him eventually. It just feels like such a huge risk. Things are great right now, but I’m very scared about the future with him.

Do you have any advice for me in this situation? Is there anything I should be doing or not doing? Do you think it will just take time for him to work through the remnants of his first marriage and that he’ll come around eventually? He is such a genuine person with a pure heart. Part of me is sure he will work through this and things will be fine. But part of me is worried.

Thank you in advance for your advice!
Susie

Hi Susie,
You have everything to be worried about. From what you’ve told me, on one level he’s this great guy, full of fun and affection, while on another level he’s this scared little kid about dealing with the future.

If he was a friend of mine in this situation I’d tell him that shit happens and to get his head out of his ass and love the woman he’s with and plan a future together. (Excuse my boldness.)

History does not have to repeat itself but if this is what he’s afraid of then he needs counselling to deal with these issues because they will not go away on their own, nor will they diminish over time.

Taking life one day at a time is a huge red flag that he may bolt when things do come to the point where he can’t deal with them. And, unfortunately, the clock is ticking.
Best wishes,
Rob

Hi Rob,
I came across your website and I thought it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to email you to ask for relationship type advice.

I met a guy about 5 or so years ago. When we met — it was an instant atttraction—we both knew it. We discovered we had several commonalities— different ethnicities, common interests. We spent a fare amount of time talking and getting to know each other. We exchanged contact information and said we’d keep in touch. The last day of the week away at the same place, before we all left, we kissed…

We kept in though mostly through email throughout college, until this guy finally got a cell phone. Emails were always great and was always good to hear from him. Two years after we met… he called me to say he was going to be in the area and that he would love to come for a visit. Fully knowing what to except, we hung out over the weekend and slept together. I had a great time with or without the extra perks of the weekend.

After that weekend, we went back to our normal lives, we talked on the phone every so often, email and instant messaging.

We eventually became Facebook friends, if that means anything or not. Due to crazy schedule— me being and school and this guy working a good bit, we didn’t hang out again until the beginning of the year when he came to visit me—a 4 1/2 hour drive for a long weekend. We had a great time catching up, talking, watching movies, going out to dinner and again sleeping together.

We continued to stay in touch after that weekend… texting, touching base over the phone sometimes and Facebook.

The following year he came to visit again, and flew from his hometown to visit for the weekend. We had another great weekend of catching up, chilling, hanging out and some fun.

Since then, we still connect via phone and all the other social networks. He’ll text me a “Happy Birthday” on my birthday and I do the same on his b-day.

I feel that we connect on different levels with or without the extra perks.

I just want to know where this is going if anywhere and if I should keep this going.
Let me know your thoughts.

Much Appreciated,
Unsure of what to do

Hi Unsure,I think that if it was to go somewhere you wouldn’t have to ask me.

So it’s time to ask him. Straight out, on the phone “Is this going somewhere?”

You know what my answer is, what’s his?

Best wishes,
Rob

Hey Rob, I am 16, and I’m a junior in High School, and I met a girl a few months back that I really liked when I first saw her.

She is 14, and she is a freshman. I’ve always liked her, but I’ve never talked to her that much.

We are both in the band, which is how I met her, so we see each other around 12 hours a week between practice and football games and what not.

I’ve always tried to be nice to her, and help her with anything that see appeared to need help with. I’m very shy though… so I don’t talk with her much.

This Saturday is possibly the last football game (last thing this season) of the season, so if our team loses, I may never see her again. I probably won’t see her because freshman have a different school building than upper classman. (Go our team!) I wanted to ask her out a long time ago… and I keep telling myself that I will, but I always find some stupid reason not to.

I don’t really have high levels of self-esteem… though I can’t say that i’m ugly or fat, I just don’t have confidence when it comes to people… especially girls.

I’ve done some internet research on her… not that I want to be creepy… but I found out that she would most likely like movies. She also plays guitar, like me.

Anyways… everything i’ve read on the internet about asking girls out say you need to be friends with um, and I’m pretty sure she knows my name, and I know she sees me around a lot, but I never talk to her, and I’m pretty much out of time.

Oh and just to throw this up… so you kind of know what I know, she does hang out with a lot of girls, and i’m 95% sure she does not have a boyfriend because I never see her with guys.

So what should I do? I really like her a lot… and I want to go out with her, but I don’t know what I should do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

Hi,
Hey, it’s OK to admit that you’re having a hard time to get the steam up and ask a girl for a date.
Totally natural.

But you need an “opener” so you can go farther that the few words you’ve said to her.

Ask her to play guitar with you.
This is your way to asking her out.
Casual. And something you share.

And I’d bet that she’s just dying for you to take her to a movie, or to see something in your city. Together.

You’re not creepy, just unskilled… which is good.

Start by asking her for her email…. Instant messenger.

Easy peasy stuff.

Don’t be your own blocker, you CAN do this.

Shut down the scared little man inside you. Know that you are ultimately not controlled by fear… and that she desperately wants you to move forward.

Good luck!
Rob

Dear reader,
Every once in a while I receive an email that quite literally scares me greatly.
This email is from a woman who moved a great distance for love. Uprooted herself and her son and ended up in a bad situation.

I hope she heeds my advice and I hope even more that if you are ever in this same position that you will also heed my advice and do what really needs to be done to stay safe.

Rob.

Is he controlling or abusive?

Hi Rob,

I am suddenly very confused about my relationship with my husband. I have always believed in marriage as something that is “til death do us part,” but lately I am not so sure I can do this. Please, I need your advice as to whether or not I am in a bad spot and should think about leaving. Part of me thinks so, and then the other part of me feels like I am overreacting.

It began with a very short online dating relationship. We lived across the country from each other, but he would fly out to be with me as often as he could. My family loved him, and I really do believe that he made himself out to be something that he isn’t. He seemed so quiet and respectful. I think if I was perfectly honest with myself, even back then I knew he wasn’t the one. I never really felt comfortable with him being there, and when he would tell me that he hates the thought of leaving, I was secretly glad he was going. I was a single mother, and he was great with my son from day one. I guess part of me thought that if I was nearing 30 and a single mom, I should settle for whoever wanted me. Sad, I know.

He asked me to marry him only five months after we started chatting online, and two months after that, I moved across country to be with him, leaving behind all of my family. I know that I was stupid for doing that, but I guess I convinced myself that I was in love and that I would have the life I always wanted. Shortly after I arrived, though, I began to see my life was anything but ideal. He started off my yelling and screaming with his mother all the time they were together. I excused this by telling myself that he and his mother just don’t get along, and that it is no big deal. I worried that this behavior would then turn to me, though. We got married 4 months after I moved out here. At our wedding, he stopped mid-vow to yell at his mother for making a scene while crying. I was shocked, but kept going with my vows. Our wedding night was a disaster. I asked him to try to tone down his language in front of my mother, and that is when he started yelling and screaming at me. He yelled and screamed until I passed out from exhaustion. The next day, he was very sorry and swore it would not happen again.

It has…many times. If I talk to him about anything he doesn’t like, he starts yelling and screaming, sometimes throwing things. When I say I want out, he threatens that I will never be able to leave, and pointing out all the things that I am doing wrong and why everything is my fault. In the end, he cries and apologizes and begs me to stay. He even went through this whole anger-management course to “change” so I would not leave.

Every argument is the same. He blocks me so I can’t leave, towers over me, and says everything I am doing wrong. He has never hit me, but he has grabbed my wrists and pushed me. Yesterday, we were driving home after being with my son (who was hospitalized for three days) and we ended up getting into a fight on the highway. He braked in the middle of the highway, was bending my finger so that I was in pain, and when my son tried to stop him, he proceeded to call him names. When we got home, he took everything away from my son that he paid for, and even grabbed his wrists to push him out of the way so he could continue yelling at me.

Aside from his yelling, I feel so suffocated by him all the time. He calls me constantly when we are not together. He calls for such stupid things or to just find out what I am doing. He also has to know who I am talking to all the time, what I am doing online, or who I have been texting. He throws it in my face that he pays the rent, or pays for my phone, or other things. I just feel like I can’t take it any more!

I don’t know if I am in a bad situation, or if I just never loved him and can’t see myself with him for the rest of my life. What do you think? Should I stay or go? Is there anything to be concerned about here, especially with my child?

Thanks for your help!

Dear XXX,
You’ve been assaulted both physically and emotionally. So has your son.
This man is both controlling and abusive and he’s crossed the line into physically assaulting you and your son.

You need to be in a better place so you can make better decisions. If possible, go home for a family visit, take your son to see his grandparents.

This guy won’t change, he’ll just get worse.

Correct the mistake you have made, and choose one of the following:
- move out and begin your life anew, but in safety
- begin marital counselling and hope for better but live in fear

Normally counselling is as far as I will suggest to someone, but your position screams out at me that drastic action needs to be taken to keep you and your son safe. I really hope that you do have an escape method, somewhere to go and a way to get there safely.
Please keep in touch.

Best wishes,
Rob

Being the “Master of Attraction” (or Mistress of Attraction”) is something that we all strive for, at one time or another.

Seeing for the first time that cute girl or hunky guy always brings our insecurities to the surface, what do we say, how to act, talk, stand, sit, etc.

When you believe that everything you do affects everything that happens to you, you are on the road to being a Master of Attraction.

Understandfing that even the insignificant things you do can have a “butterfly effect” on others should help you to strive for pleasantness in all that you do But the doing is always up to you.

So take this thought with you: you are always being watched, being judged, but you will always be remembered for the things you do.