AdviceGeneral.com

Being the “Master of Attraction” (or Mistress of Attraction”) is something that we all strive for, at one time or another.

Seeing for the first time that cute girl or hunky guy always brings our insecurities to the surface, what do we say, how to act, talk, stand, sit, etc.

When you believe that everything you do affects everything that happens to you, you are on the road to being a Master of Attraction.

Understandfing that even the insignificant things you do can have a “butterfly effect” on others should help you to strive for pleasantness in all that you do But the doing is always up to you.

So take this thought with you: you are always being watched, being judged, but you will always be remembered for the things you do.

Dear Rob,
I’m in a state of confusion whether to ‘breakup’ or end communicating with this guy. I’m 27 and he’s 26.

I met him online and we’ve been chatting for almost 6 months now.

He’s halfway round the world, obviously. We just talk things out if we’re not busy. We like each other but I guess he likes me more because he doesn’t seem to care if I have a boyfriend already ( I have a steady boyfriend for 6 years in a relationship).

I’m totally impressed with his style because for 6 months straight he remained respectful… not a typical guy you’ve met online who would go overboard, you know those stuffs. No pressure at all from him.

He used to tell me that we’re not talking ‘relationships’ but liking each other.  He said, he really doesn’t know why he likes me so much and remained communicating with me even though I shut out our communication for two months straight.

And I don’t even know what type of relationship we are in right now.

What it’s called Rob?

Of course I should not expect more out of this because I’m cheating with my boyfriend.

That’s the point.  So…

Why does this guy keeps me at bay?

He doesn’t want to end our communication. He said he’ll be around til we grow old. lol…  He said I have every right on him.. every right.  But he doesn’t want to open up his 3 year relationship with his ex. Could it be he still loves her? I’m just a cover up?

And he also told me that if I want to meet him I just have to say so. But as I see it,  no strings attached, since he’s got plans to have a girlfriend in his place.

It’s just that he doesn’t found someone special. He used to say that why we’re so far from each other.

He’s culture bound and he’s not christian.

What do you think Rob?

Hi,

I think you are cheating on the guy you’re with and looking for a reason to escape this relationship.

I’m not going to give it to you. But I think you’ll make that one up for yourself.

6 years in a relationship and still dating? Living together without a firm commitment on marriage?

Do you see why you have doubts?

You need to decide for yourself which is going to be the better relationship, the one you have now or your fantasy guy that you met online. 6 months of chatting doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

You are in a fantasy relationship with this online guy, that’s what it’s called.

When you meet someone online my rule is: “You never know someone until you can smell them”.

There are big differences between his culture and yours. Watch out. There is a lot more to this story and what you’re not telling me are the reasons why you don’t think this ‘relationship” would work. Follow your gut instinct about this, and end it.

And if you do go to visit him, yes, there are strings attached. You are becoming emotionally attached to this shadow guy, this figment of an online boyfriend. End it now.

I really think you need some single time or counselling to decide why you have allowed yourself to put yourself in this situation.

What are you looking for outside of your current relationship?

Best wishes,

Rob

Hey Rob,

I am 17 years old and I met this girl about a month and a half ago.

We really hit it off because we have pretty much everything in common.

After a little while, we both got into whether we like each other.  It turned out that we both liked each other a lot and things were going great.  This girl means everything to me right now.  It’s a different feeling than with other girls.

I don’t want to get into sex or anything, I would rather just hold and kiss her.  Anyway, I eventually asked her out.  She was very excited but realized that she couldn’t “bring herself to date”.

What the heck does that mean?

She says that she needed some more time and has to straighten some stuff out.

Well, it has been a matter of weeks now and she still does not want to.

I am looking for a relationship in my life right now and do not know whether to wait for her or to try to move on.  Pleasseeeee help me with this!

Hi,

This is a classic case of being too friendly with her and she feels that you’ll be smothering her if you’re around more.

Take a break from her… make her wait for you…
When she calls, emails, messages… ask her if you can call her back, IM her at a later time… and tell her a later time, be specific… you want her to be waiting for you.

I bet the two of you have done a lot of “hanging around” but you haven’t planned anything to specifically for the two of you to be together and do something.

A Man has to have a Plan.

So:
Step being so available to her;
When you get together have a plan on what to do;
And talk to other girls.

One of the best way to increase the attraction of the one you want is by gaining the attraction of another and making her jealous.

Good luck!

Rob

Dear Rob,

I was looking for a little advice on what I should do.

My boyfriend is what I would say very controlling.

I don’t get to leave my apartment and I never have my car he always has it so I don’t leave. He checks my email and I just got rid of my phone cause I got tired of him checking it. I don’t work because he won’t allow me to and I’m kind of stuck.

I am only 18 and I have 7 month old twin boys and every time I try and leave him he threatens me that he will find a way to take my kids from me or he will get me kicked out of my apartment or get my car taken.

If he is not threatening me with something then when I try and leave him then he sits there and cries and makes me feel bad.

I don’t have money and my apartment is the only place I have and when the cops have come out they don’t do anything about it.

He just lies and says he lives here and they just leave.

He is verbally abusive and has more recently became a little physically abusive. Throwing me into walls pushing me in the back things of that nature.

I am truely scared and don’t know what to do anymore.

Please help, Scared

Hi Scared,

You need to plan an escape NOW before worse things happen.

Look in the yellow pages or online on a local news site for “Women’s Shelters”, Women’s Help Line”, “Crisis Center” that sort of thing.
They will put you in touch with a group that can help you get away from this guy before he really harms you, or worse.

This type of abuse only gets worse, he doesn’t want you to leave because then he will have to face his own shortcomings. For now, he can just vent against you… and when the kids are older and walking they will also be targets for him to abuse.

If you can, contact your parents, ask for forgiveness for whatever you did, (I can assume you’re not on good terms with them right now) and ask them to arrange an escape for you.

Women’s shelters can provide an anonymous residence so he can’t find you and this will allow you the opportunity to get on your feet, get your life back in order.

Please don’t let it get any farther, get help now!

God Bless You,
Email me again if you need more advice.
Rob

Dear Rob,

I have a long term friend. We fancied each other, said we had feelings, but nothing ever came of it. I am insecure & he is a flirt, so we had lots of fights & the friendship has taken time to come back.

The other night we are at a work do. We barely say hello or look at each other, he is with lots of women, one in particular who adores him is all over him. We exchange a few words at the end of the night, she drags him out to dance, gets a bit heavy. So I go to get a taxi. Minutes later he is outside & says he is getting a taxi, then walks off.

Next day he comes up to me, we talk about the night, he stands very close, seems emotional, then we are interrupted by another friend and he gets annoyed at the interupt. He keeps coming back over & is all friendly and nervous bt I dunno if he felt sorry for me or if it was interest.

He is equally attentive & gentle later on, which he hasnt been for over a year.

Next day, he flirts with her again while I am sitting nearby. Today, as I am talking to him, she passes & he is all friendly to her. I walk off & when I meet him again he looks at me and smiles but when I drop my head he goes cold again. Today he was less affectionate.Yesterday it was like he was almost panicking.

I don’t know what to do. I love him still. I can’t be his friend & be OK about him being with other women. Does he have any clue how I feel do you think? And why the nice one day, back to friends the next?

He was so close to me the day after the night out that the guy who interupted thought it was suspicious and actually stood next to me even though he was not welcome.

Is this guy actually so cruel (I find it hard to believe cause he is a nice guy in general) that he would just not care how I feel? Does he not know how I feel? Or is he trying to provoke me into some kind of action?

Bear in mind all this is going on and we barely speak to one another. We are just work colleagues with a history of what was once a deep friendship.We have never slept together. I know that he genuinely cared for me in the past. I will not show emotion though or give him attention & this was what drove us apart in the beginning. He tends to go for women who show obvious like for him.

Please help me Rob.

Hi,

Guy’s don’t know what isn’t told to them.

He’s a flirt because he thrives on attention and he puts in it your face to say “that if you’re not interested then so what, there’s other girls”.

I see a lot of conflict if the two of you were to start dating because of the conflict of personalities. You look for comfort and he looks for approval, not a good mix.

You say you love him but all this is unstated?
You are in a fantasy that has to end, here and now. Unless you can live with picking up his dirty socks every night.
Good luck!
Rob.

Hey Rob,

I’ve just been looking through your advice central and have found some of the stuff really interesting. However, I’m not sure how relevant the stuff is for me.

Now, I may have never had a girlfriend, but I am not shy of girl, generally. I occasionally get a bit flirty just to sort of… Dare myself I guess. I get very flirty with the girls I am closest with.

One girl in particular I am constantly hugging and holding hands with in lessons (However, she is WELL know for flirting with guys, however she does seem rather more than usual with me). We talk constantly. I have found myself coming so close to asking her out, but I can’t… If she said no, it would make our friendship very awkward.

I’d also feel very embarassed all of the time in school and so on.

The other problem is there is another guy like me in the year below who she spends her break and lunchtimes with. She is just as flirty with him as with me (Me and him are good mates actually). I always feel incredibly jealous when they are near each other. I really don’t know what to do…

My other issue is that I have feelings for another girl. I don’t know her as well and have only started talking to her for about a year. I try to talk to her, but I try not to make it obvious I like her. In fact, I try to make out as if I’m not interested in her sometimes. I’m very careful with what i ask her or talk to her about. She isn’t as pretty as the other girl, but I like her personality a lot more.

The big issue is that I am not friends with any of her friends (except one). She is popular, especially with a group of the “tough” lads who don’t like me.

When I talk to her as of late, I have found myself insulting her as a joke. I try to make it very obvious I’m joking so it seems like flirting, but I’m not sure if she realises, or if it annoys her, or anything. in fact, I’m probably being stupid by doing it, I’m just not sure.

If I had to pick which girl I could have, it’d be the second, but I doubt I have a chance with either…

Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks rob for taking the time to read this.

(I don’t which to give my real name in case any of my friends see this if it gets published!)

Thanks, Anonymous

Hi,

The fact of the matter is:
1 – you have to decide who to ask out, and
2 – you need to stop being a wuss and ask one of them to “help you study” or something where you can spend time alone with her, whichever one you choose.

Stop being a flirt, that only works for so long. It’s good to have girls that are friends, but it’s better to have a girlfriend and you know this or you wouldn’t have emailed me.
It’s time to take responsibility for your feelings and act on them.

Plan your next move with the one you really like and if she breaks your heart, well, that’s just one more step on the walk of life!

We all have confidence issues when faced with starting to date, it’s natural, awkward and totally realistic. What you have to do is allow yourself the opportunity to “fail” with the one you like so that you will know how to handle this later in life. If you keep hiding your true feelings you’ll never do well with women.

Ask her and maybe, just maybe, she’ll say YES instead of NO.

Rob.

Hi Rob,

My husband & I are both 25 years old & have been married for nearly 3 years now.

He has been running his own home business for the past year & ever since then he’s been acting more & more selfish. Although I will say I am very lucky, in that we do love each other & he would never cheat on me & never goes out to drink or does those types of things.

He very much likes to stay home & work.

This is the issue, he works a lot, sometimes 17 hours per day, & although I understand that this is important for someone who runs their own company & he’s doing it for our future it’s just too much.

I have tried to tell him calmly how I feel & that I don’t mind that he works hard I just wish he would pull it back a little… He does try to do that, however I have to constantly push him & remind him to take a break & come have lunch/dinner or even come to bed to sleep for the night. If I’m not there he’ll rarely take a break or stop to think of me. I HATE nagging him to do it.

He can be selfish in the way that I will come home from my job in the evening at about 7.30pm, we’ll eat something, then he’ll go to visit his father for a few hours who lives near by. He doesn’t do this every night, but he works so much during the day that at night when I come home, I just want to be with him.

He’ll normally come home at about 10.30pm or even 11pm from his dad’s home, then we only have about 2 hours together to talk in bed before he falls asleep.

I have told him this is hurtful, & he will do it anyway.

So sometimes I will go with him to his fathers, even though I don’t really want to just so I can be with him. Mind you he has his lap top there & will work at the same time. I have asked him sometimes to please not go to his dad’s & stay with me & he’s reply is. ‘Well his my father’. And I will say, ‘well I’m your wife’. I don’t mind him visiting his Dad, just not at 8pm till 10.30pm
at night. That’s the time when we should be connecting at the end of the day together.

I am not highly demanding, I just want my husband to realize life is not just about him & his business & work, that there is more to a marriage than just supporting financial help. I just wish he would be a little less selfish & notice that at the end of the day I am his wife. It’s very hurtful & I cry about it alone allot.

Hope you can give me some ideas.
Thanks
Susie

Hi Susie,

I know exactly what you are going through… Sadly to say I have been that man.

You need to first off understand that he thinks he’s doing all he can for his “family” such as it is.

He is making money (hopefully) and is able to provide to you the basics… and this is not out of a needed, weird, self-desire to control you, but to offer you a great life through hard work.

He needs to understand how you need him, emotionally, not just as a great provider.

You need a date night… time together outside the home. A dinner, shopping chores, gardening…. I don’t care what it is. Time together, chit chatting like you used to do (although this might just bore him), but on a regular basis.

For the next three weeks, no more harping on him to spend tome with you. Connect with your girlfriends and begin a regular night out… your husband can’t be your only friend, right?
Enjoy yourself without him as he does his “duty” with visiting his father.

He understands that you are his wife… he’s not chasing other women, he’s not gambling away mortgage payments.. he just needs to miss you a couple of times to be reigned in again.

Everyone in a while the husband needs to remember that the wife has her own life too.

This will make a change and help you to lose some of your resentment about the way he spends his time. And the time you waste waiting for him.

You can have friends and plans to go out too.

This is the change you have to make to help him need you again, in front of others.

I hope this helps,
Rob

Dear Rob,
I’ve been enjoying your advice and think you have some great opinions
to offer so here goes.

A girl started a 7-week internship at my company recently and we hit it off right away. After a couple days of work together, I gave her my phone #, which she thankfully accepted. She didn’t give me hers in return claiming she doesn’t “give her number out to very many people” to which I replied with a shrug and a laugh and said “we’ll see.”

That same week, I invited her to play some tennis after work; she said yes and we ran around for an hour chasing tennis balls, having a great time, and flirting the whole time.

The next week the subject of favorite foods came up. I found out hers is Thai, as is mine, and so I asked her if she wanted to go eat some Thai food. She responded “I’m trying to save money right now,” (she is paying for college credits to work somewhere for free-I still don’t understand how they get away with that-and gearing up for a European vacation) and so of course I offered to buy. She said she didn’t want to do that because she’d feel like “she was taking advantage of me,” and so instead of pushing it I just said OK. That same night, she text messaged me (giving me her phone #) wishing me a great weekend because I was leaving for the weekend the next day, and also saying she thought we should go out for Thai after all.

We went out the next week, had an amazing dinner, found out we have the same or similar values, passions, and center, so to speak, in our lives and it was great. She made it a point, though, to tell me that “this isn’t like you taking me out, you’re not paying for me, I’m here because I want to be here.” I guess you could say she threw me a major curve ball.

Here’s where it gets interesting. The next week, she invited me to ride with her to the town her college is in. She had to go up for an evening to help plan some events for her upcoming graduation. It’s about an hour away from where we work. I have friends up there and she knew this, and so her thought was we could ride up together and while she did her school thing, I could hang out with friends and then we could ride back home together. We had a great ride up, had time for pizza in the park, and then after she was done, she came over and met some of my friends before we left. It was a good night.

The next night, we went to a football game together, got take-out, went back to my house, watched a movie, and flirted the whole time. It was a good night. Other than halfway laying on each other and that sort of thing, it never got physical. Also, the subject of our relationship never came up and I never made a point to bring it up. I thought it was becoming pretty obvious we both liked each other. And, since we work together, I’ve been hesitant to move too fast. I didn’t see her the rest of the weekend because I was at a bachelor party (no strippers or anything like that, just guns, meat, beer, and competition-that sort of bachelor party).

This last week was her 6th week and it was an awkward one. I felt like she was annoyed with me all of the sudden. Where before she would pass by and smile, it was like she was ignoring/avoiding me, going out of her way to not walk past me. We had a dinner and movie at my place scheduled for Wednesday. On the day of, she insisted on inviting another girl we work with to come over too. The girl is here from overseas and doesn’t know anyone and so I’m all about having her over, but all I got from it was “I don’t want to be alone with you.”

I asked her if we could do coffee and talk this morning (we both have the day off from our job together but she works another job in the afternoon). I figure it’s time to be completely honest with her and see where she’s at. She said she was still in bed and wasn’t up to it before work but “if you have something you want to talk about, we’ll find a time.” What should I do? Should I wait and talk after this next week, her last week at my company, is over? Why the change in attitude, especially after initiating the car trip and the dinner? Did I miss my window? I just don’t get it. Let me know what you think man, I’d appreciate your advice. Wow, this is long, sorry about that Bro.
Sincerely,
Confused
P.S. She’s 21 and I’m 24. We both do basically the same thing.

Hi Confused,
The easy answer is that, yes, you missed your window.
She was open to your advances and you didn’t advance far enough.
From what you told me she was playing it slowly, making sure you weren’t a player and her attitude became more serious with you when she took the ride with you to her college, you both did your own things, and shared the ride home again.

After that you should have turned on the heat and gotten serious with her. Now, she may be past what she felt for you, figuring in her head that she imagined everything and you’re not that serious after all.

How to become serious after her starting to lose interest?
That’s a tough question.
The answer is harder.

In your current situation I don’t think that you want to let her get away. Make your move on her last day with your company. Invite her to dinner, make it special. You’ve both shared time together, now it’s time to share some romance.
Simply, this is the way to accomplish setting the scene:
Order a dozen roses to the restaurant where you make the reservations and call the restaurant to expect the delivery and have the flowers on the table before you are seated. She’ll see the roses and know what you’re feelings are, unmistakably.
This will be the “make or break” moment, but I’m sure you’ll pull through, no matter her response.
Best wishes,
Rob