AdviceGeneral.com

Dear Rob,
Well I’ve got a problem as everybody who writes to you has got. Let me tell you the whole story.

I know a girl, for something about 3 years, and I always liked her, since the first time I’ve saw her. But, along these years she was always dating… And reading some of your answers I realize I’ve done a lot of wrong things, but it doesn’t matter now, what matters is that now she’s available.

But the problem is that I was always her friend, because I couldn’t be more than it. And even liking her I always date other girls, trying putting her out off my mind, never worked, but I was trying at least.

And now, when I really believe I just forgot her she comes with that and tells me she love me. Not like, love.

And I just don’t know what to do. Because nobody has ever told me that. And because of it, she is more and more present in my life, like sending me e-mails, calling… keeping in touch, and to make things worse even more in one of these flirt times I told that I love her too. But I don’t know if that’s really truth, she is hot but now I can have it, it doesn’t see that huge.

And, some times I just feel like I’m a stupid for don’t enjoy this wave of luck, but I’ve already tried to kiss her when I had the opportunity but I couldn’t, you just couldn’t. And I don’t want to be a mean guy.

So… What should I do? I now it’s complicated, but… What do you think?
P.S.: Just to let you know… You’re getting famous… I’m from Brazil, Rio de Janeiro to be honest. Can you believe it? Internet it’s swell.

Hi Rio Guy,
I would think that your streak of good luck is just beginning.

It’s not all that complicated:
The girl you wanted for 3 years is suddenly available, even tells you that she loves you, and suddenly you’re just not that interested in her anymore.

Happens all the time. The chase was more fun that the winning.

Now that you’re available, she’s available, what is your next step?

Well, you date her. Slowly. Grow your interest with her again.

Moving from the friendship arena into the lover’s room is a big step. So my advice to you is go slowly.

Date her but start with the casual things that you both have done before, now just do them only the two of you. Go for walks, go and have meals together.

Don’t force the relationship ahead too fast. You have a real advantage starting this relationship since you are both comfortable together.

Keep things comfortable.

And avoid talks of past relationships, OK?

If you’re still not sure then I’d come right out and ask her about why she wants a relationship with you.

Put all of your cards on the table and just ask her.

Bare your feelings too. But just enough to keep her talking.

Don’t wussy out again and start trading “I Love You’s” until you’re more along in your romance, if that is where this leads you, OK?
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
Some months ago I got dumped by my girlfriend (we were closed to getting married after five years of living together) for a skinny ugly but rich and charming man twice my age. I was devastated for the months that followed, but when I started visiting your home page and read lots of your advice, I started to feel much better about my predicament. In fact my whole way of thinking (which was rather narrow and stereotypical I hate to admit) changed due to your advice.

I have now fully gained back my confidence and self esteem to the point where I can almost date any women I like. Almost being the key word here…….. I have fallen in love, and deeply I must say, to a cute girl from my job at a big time luxury hotel.
I have showed her how much I like her by courting her with quite some ways e.g. joke/innuendo/compliment/tease combos, body language, etc. After a few days of the above mentioned behavior which she really seemed to enjoy (she laughed, giggled, and smiled the whole time and generally responded in a very positive way) I gave her my phone number and told her to let me know if she’d like to come to work by car with me, since she lives close to me. Her response was a pause followed by a sly smile and tons of thank you for thinking like that.

I didn’t ask for her phone number since I didn’t want to put any pressure on her, but made a really strong pass on her, and judging from her smiles and responses I was almost sure that a touchdown was imminent. To my surprise she never phoned me, and I have the feeling that she is avoiding me. Whenever she is around me she looks very nervous and anxious about something, ignores me, and doesn’t respond to my courting anymore. All she does is greeting me politely and off she goes. WHAT HAPPENED?

I am 28, ok looking, well educated and have experience with women, but my being in love is clouding my ability to feel what happened!
Did I intimidate her? Did she just play with me? Doesn’t she like me the way I do? I don’t know, Rob, help out please!
Mr. P
P.S. I forgot to mention that I am her supervisor, and her uncle is my boss who by the way really likes me. She’s 25 and pretty so she’s had experience with men.

Hi Mr. P,
Let me tell you a story.

There was this guy that wanted to surf.
He bought books and did a lot of research about surfing. He learned all he could about the sport. Types of boards, locations that are good for surfing. Styles of clothes to wear. Everything surf-related that he could find he read or watched or did.
When he was ready he went and bought the best surf board he could afford.
He headed to the beach, waxed up his board, then went into the ocean and waited for the big wave to take him away.

Mr. P, you are that guy, sitting in the ocean, waiting for the big wave to come and take you away.

You’ve done everything. Except you didn’t go and catch that wave. You’re sitting there, legs dangling in the ocean, waiting for the wave to come and get you.

Mr. P, you’ve flirted, you’ve complimented, you’ve shown your interest. Then, instead of closing the deal and catching the wave, you gave her your number and now you sit, waiting for her to call you.

Big mistake.

She knows that there are a lot of surfers waiting to catch her wave. She doesn’t need to go and get the surfer. She doesn’t need to call you, you need to call her.

It’s really stupid to lay all that groundwork then back off by giving her your number and waiting for her to call. You should have gotten her number, not wussied out and given her your number and waited. You should have gotten her number and asked her for a date.

She looks nervous around you because she shouldn’t have to make the next step. She doesn’t call you for a date, you call her. That’s what she knows. It likely seems to her that all your courting, as you call it, was simply a put-on because you failed to close. And now, every moment you see her, that feeling of lost interest is being reinforced because, continually, you are failing to close.

She likes you, or at least she did, but now she’s losing interest because you backed off at the critical moment of getting her number.

The next time you see her, you get her number and say that you’ll call her later that same night to make a date with her. And leave it at that until you call her.

Your call to her will be short, just a couple of minutes long, to tell her when you’ll pick her up. The date should be no more than two days later. Plan something fun to do, not a dinner or anything like that. Build the momentum of dating by starting with fun things you can do together. Maybe your third date can be a dinner. No pressure, right?

The other thing I’d be concerned about is that you’re in a family business, dating your boss’s niece. Be sure you aren’t going against any company policies by dating another employee, especially one that you supervise. You may want to clarify dating her with her uncle because of this, I don’t know the situation.

Stop waiting for the wave to come and get you, make it happen. Swim out to that wave and make things happen!
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hey Rob,
I have been reading some of your replies lately to some other people and so I figured you would be the only person who could help me!

There is this girl in my high school. I am 16. She looks really nice. We only talked a couple of times, I just know her cell phone number due to some incident that happened to her but she doesn’t even know me too much to talk on the phone. I would end up making a fool out of myself.

The problem is that she is one of the popular girls in school, you know the rich and popular type. Whereas, moi, well let’s just say I am not exactly a looker and to some extent, yes a nerd. Not really one of the richest/popular guys at school.
I don’t even know her too much to know what interests we share… it makes me really sad. Its summer now. I don’t know how I could survive 3 more months not looking at her! Please give me some advice!! I am desperate!!
Thanks!

Hi,
Getting in with the popular girl at school isn’t all too hard, depending on her overall attitude and availability.
And your self-confidence level.

First off, what makes a popular girl popular:
- She’s good looking
- Hangs out with other popular people
- Clean and nice smelling
- Wears nice clothes
- Knows the lyrics to the top songs
- Enjoys going out with her crowd of people
- Dates lots of guys without getting serious
- Shows that she has self confidence and high self esteem (even though she probably doesn’t and is scared on the inside of becoming unpopular)

She is surrounded by popularity so it just rubs off on her. She has attitude and a level of personal pride. And it’s these things that usually also stop guys from approaching her sincerely, why she ends up dating jerks. It’s the jerk that actually shows confidence and has the ability to talk to her, bust on her, that allows him to enter her social circle.

Now, what makes the unpopular guy such a loser?
- He’s not always dressed well
- Not always smelling ‘shower fresh’
- Doesn’t exude confidence in himself
- Keeps to himself, not very many friends
- Doesn’t get involved in group activities unless he can hide behind someone else’s actions
- He’s a follower not a leader
- He thinks that he’s not good enough to become popular
- Usually very afraid to talk to girls
- Afraid of being told he’s wrong by his peers so he doesn’t voice an opinion about anything

So, if you want to turn around your chances to get with the popular girl you have to make some serious changes about your own personal outlook.

You’ve got to be able to approach, talk to, joke with, bust on, all kinds of women. Not just the pretty ones, not only the popular girls, not the ones that makes you dizzy with sexual thoughts. You have to be able to talk to any girl, any time, anywhere.

You’ve got to clean up yourself so you can break into the group that surrounds your ideal girl. Make yourself into a confident man. Not a lovesick puppy.

How do you start these changes?
- Go shopping. All by yourself. Clothes shopping is the best. You need to find a shirt, a stylish shirt. One that fits well with a high price tag. And you’re going to approach sales girls in the clothing shops in the mall and you’re going to get them to help you, not only find the right shirt but help you to get used to conversations with pretty girls. Go into the shop. See the pretty sales girl. Ask her if this shirt (any nice shirt you pick out) comes in your size. Ask her if she’d date a guy in this type of shirt. Ask her what she has that goes with the shirt. Ask her if she’s seen the latest movie (what ever it is) and if she thinks that a shirt makes the guy in the movie she saw and why. Bust her on the badly chosen character she mentions. Then say thanks, and you’ll think about the shirt. And move on to the next store.

- Get some lines prepared to ask sales girls, waitresses, about what they think, what they do on their job. These girls that are paid to serve you are great to test out your lines and build your confidence. They have to be nice to you. Just remember that they aren’t going to date you, just reply nicely to you.

When you’ve started getting used to talking to women, move on to your target. You’re lucky in that it is summer, so your popular girl likely isn’t going to be hanging around with as many friends as she did in school and may have more free time to spend with someone new. As well, the pressure is lessened on her to be such a tight-ass popular girl and break on the geeks and nerds. Your chances are better during summer vacation and holiday time off school than any other time during the year because of the less pressure to maintain her status quo and the popularity pressure from her circle of popular friends.

You’ve got her number. Call her up. Say you like her style sense, meet me in the mall tomorrow and help me buy a shirt. Don’t ask, tell. Give her a time get her to say yes and get off the phone. If she says she doesn’t know her say you’re the guy that did that thing with that other girl that so many people talked about. Don’t describe any more. Get her interest up and get the date when you tell her when and where and then get off the phone. 3 Minute call, at most.

When you meet her at the mall go into the same stores where you started conversations with the sales girls. Hopefully you’ve left a positive impression on them and they’ll treat you really nice, maybe even remember your name. This is a great way to stir interest and maybe spark a little jealousy in your popular girl, making her want you just a little more.

Be prepared with small things to talk about:
Clothes
School classes
Movies
Music

Get her to talk about herself more than you talk about her or yourself. Do not allow any awkward silences. If there seems to be a break in the conversation, jump in with “What do you like about…” and keep the conversation going.

This should get you going. You’ve got your work cut out for you now.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I’m sorry for emailing you, but I asked you for advice before and I thought I would try again.

Well I’m not sure if you remember…but my case was the one where this boy who is 23 and I’m 22–well to cut a long story short… he was the guy who would always ignore me… since I ignored him…

Well to continue on from what happened from the last time I emailed you… Well I tried to go up to him and to show him that I liked him and I think he was a bit bitter or something since he just acted like I did not exist even if I went right up to him. Well I tried for about a month and on my last day he brushed past me and acted like I never existed… I got tired and thought I’m tired of this. We had two months break from university. And I decided to move on… stupidly I found out his name and what he likes and found out we did out first degree at the same university…sometimes I wish I never knew this either…

Anyhow, these past two months I tried my best to forget about him and I had a hard time from other problems I was having. Anyway, everyone kept telling me…oh…he ain’t interested… since guys don’t ignore girls. And that made me more determined to “move on” (wring use of words–since nothing happened to move on from) but anyhow, when I went back to university I saw him at the bottom of the stairs. I acted like I never saw him… which was easy to do… and he was talking to this girl and laughing… and when she was going pass me… he came and walked towards me. He opened his mouth I think to say something. I was just so angry for some reason and had so much on my mind from exams etc., that I just pretended like I never noticed and walked off.

Well for weeks he disappeared–usually I would always see him in the library and nothing. He just seemed to have disappeared.
I saw him accidentally one evening coming out of his department. I for some reason couldn’t help but stare and he stared as well and walked off. Well 3 weeks passed again nothing. BUT NOW we are coming towards the end as in this is my last week and his.

And for a week I saw him about quite a few times and he acted so normal. I would be chatting and laughing with my guy friends and he would come with his mobile sit where I could see him and he would act like I never existed. Again.

Well anyway… I think he knows what time I finish class and this Wednesday I never went class but waited outside the department and he came down with his friends from lunch the usual time I would leave class…purely coincidence. And he saw me and I saw him he stopped few times and acted like he never saw me…and I did same… I waited about 30 min and went in the library where he had gone previously. I walked past him and sat quite a bit away from him and he got up after I sat down and he got up to leave. He had his back towards me at this stage and he was walking towards the door. He stopped before he actually left desk and turned back and we both looked at each other

Now, all my friends say he has “moved on” and is not interested and its time I did the same.
But I can’t feel that he is probably going through the same phases he went in before and now that we are coming to an end of the year and this is it, I think maybe he still has some sort of interest.

Am I reading to much into this? Has he moved on? What do you think?
Thanks
M

Hi M,
It seems to me that, so far, no one has made any forward moves. You’re both still playing this “I see you, now I don’t” game.

You have a choice:
The next time you see him, walk up to him and say “Isn’t about time you asked me out?”
OR
Do as your friends say and move on.

This has gone on long enough, don’t you think?

One of the hardest things for men and women to do is be able to “initiate contact” when they’ve never been taught how to approach others that are not in their circle of friends. After all, how do you reach out to someone that is cute, good looking and probably (as you think) better than you and just going to reject you anyways?

It’s tough, confusing and very hard to prepare yourself to make that first step beyond the distant flirting that goes on when you’re so afraid of being rejected. When your self-confidence is so low.

The reality is that life is full of rejection and disappointment. Another reality is that people play games.

They exert their power of attraction just because they can. Because you showed interest. And as all of this is happening your interest in them rises, you like them more and more since they did show you some initial interest, enough to make you want to want them, then they back off, playing this ignore game.

Get ready to make the move. Prepare yourself for rejection and invite him for a coffee the next time you see him. You may just be pleasantly surprised that he does go with you. And at the very least you will have a definite answer about dating him or “moving on” and getting back to normal.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Dear Rob,
I recently confessed my affection to a guy friend of mine and to my surprise, he felt the same.

We sat and talked, discussing if we wanted to become more than friends. He suggested that we go on a date, to see where we could take things. So we go out and things are going great. When people ask him if I was his girlfriend he tells them I am. But we get back to his car, we start to discuss our relationship in detail and he reveals to me that he is unsure about us because while I’ll be starting my senior year in high school, he’ll be starting college at a school an hour and a half away from me.

I started to become frustrated with him because he keeps telling me that he really likes me (even mentioning examples) but how he is somewhat swayed by “outside forces”.
He is a very smart guy and a very logical thinker. That’s why he’s had so much trouble deciding. He begins to tear up because he “doesn’t know what to do.”

We decide to leave and head for a park to walk. So while he’s driving, I tell him that I’m sorry… that I shouldn’t have put all that on him but it’s just I have such strong feelings for him and I’ve heard the “long-distance relationship insecurity” thing before.

We both start crying and he tells me that he’s sorry too and I admit to him about my past relationships and how they never seem to work out and he tells me that any guy that wouldn’t want to go out with you is crazy. So we get to the park and talk and have an amazing time. We come home, kiss, embrace and I tell him that I want to see him before he leaves. but since that day, I haven’t received any communication from him although I see that he checked my myspace page quite frequently after our date. I told him how I felt about the whole thing but I haven’t talked to him since. I’m trying to give him his space but it’s coming down to the wire. And I really care about him but I don’t know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted about the whole thing.

Thanks for reading. Hope to hear from you soon.
Signed,
Hopeless in Colorado

Hi Hopeless,
This guy doesn’t need his space. He needs his life. And what he fears most is that he’s going to be a college freshman dating a high school girl.
Trust me, it’s not going to work. There is distance and the school bias working against this. Your guy knows this although he also knows what he’ll be missing if he doesn’t date you now.

He’s already showing you his doubts and, with distance and a new life and the college world in front of him, your relationship won’t last if you let it get started. And he’s ignoring you so that he doesn’t have to say this to your face.

Remain his friend but know that your lives are about to take different directions. Do not get involved at this point. If he asks you why you’ve decided to remain friends tell him what I told you.

And next summer, should you both be single maybe you can really become more than friends. But not before. Too many changes are going to happen to him, and you, in the coming months.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hey Rob,
I ran into an friend I had in math class with (at a community college), we talked and she was happy to see me. As I left I told her to call me sometime, but she replied with, you have my cell phone, remember?

Is this a good sign? Does she sound like she wants me to call her?
Sidney

Hi Sidney,
Yes, it’s a good sign.
Call her tomorrow and make plans to ‘catch up more’ the next afternoon. A nice friendly place for a coffee or lunch, be sure to split the bill or go ‘dutch’. (When you sit down and get the menus just say “We’ll split the bill, OK?”)

Guys have to keep in mind that women want to be fought over. Leaving a call up to them is the same as saying to her “You’re interesting to me but unless you make all the moves nothing is going to happen”. And usually that is what happens… nothing. Because the guy just proved he’s a wuss.

Then the guy wonders why she doesn’t call…
“She seemed so interested when we talked that one time…
Blah blah blah.”

Guy’s may play games to try to spark her interest, but girls are much more forthcoming and honest, so that the guy has to make the moves, take the initiative and instinctively prove themselves to her that they are worthy of her.

This isn’t a guy’s wussy “I like you, I love you, I beg you to like me, to love me too” type situation. It’s taking the bull by the horns and making a commitment to the next stage of your emerging relationship.
Never let it pass when she says “You have my number, right?”.
Make a plan to call her and have a plan ready for when you get together, within a couple of days.

Never, ever, tell a girl that you’re interested in seeing more of to “Call me sometime”. It’s a deal breaker.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I have a question about something maybe you can help me with. I’ve seen your advice and it really seems like it works and you know what your talking about so here goes.

I’m 19 and I’m going to be going to college this fall 2006. I’ve started to talk to a girl who will be going to the same college as me. We’ve been emailing each other for about 3 weeks and were playing the question game where we ask questions about each other to get to know each other. It was her idea so we email each other every day and we’ve seen pictures of each other.

She’s definitely beautiful and everything I could ask for in a personality type. She says she’s super excited to meet me. And the plus is she hasn’t had a boyfriend before so I don’t have to worry about past excessive baggage or anything like that.
I’m confident enough to talk to her but I definitely want to tell her I like her. Although from what I’ve learned from experience is never to tell a girl you just like her it usually backfires and scares her away.

So I’d like to show her I’m genuine and real and are different from
most other guys.

A direct quote she said was “Wow I can’t believe how much we have in common” so guess I’m a bit lost on what my next step is.
If you could get back to me at this email I’d appreciate or any help you give me.
Thank you so much for your time if you read this,
Dave.

Hi Dave,
I’m glad that you’ve emailed me.
So far you’ve been doing well, right up to the point where you turned into a lemming and started running towards the cliff.

I’m going to show you two sentences and I want you to figure out what the difference is between them:
1. I like you too.
2. I like you.

Can you spot the difference?

Yes, I know that it’s fairly obvious, but this is where a guy screws up the beginning of what otherwise could be a great relationship.

Sentence #1 is in reply to her saying that she likes you. It’s perfectly fine to answer back that you like her too. Then talk about what a hot day it is, or something in a safer zone of conversation.

Sentence #2 is where the guy, all horny and infatuated with his new (girlfriend) toy that he turns into a wussy puppy and says “I like you” in the hopes that these couple of words will make everything in the relationship even better, no matter what a dork the guy internally feels he is, no matter how amazed he is that he actually has a chance with the girl of his dreams. The guy is trying to overcome his insecurities with these few words.

Of course all that he’s really done by blurting out “I like you” is given all the power of the relationship away to the girl, shown how easily controlled he can be because he’s such a wuss, not the intelligent and confident guy the girl thought he is (up to the blurting out, that is).

Then she says back to him “You’re a great friend” and that’s the end of their dating. Of course the guy is blindsided, he never saw it coming. And for the rest of his life he’ll never figure out the reasons why he messed up.

After all, all he said was how he felt about the girl, right?
Wrong!
In these few words he gave away a mountainful of information and every bit of it was BAD!

Girls need to feel attraction to a guy. And there are plenty of ways that this attraction happens and grows. And girls need to continually feel this attraction get stronger, for it to grow as the relationship progresses or it’s over.
Ways that girls feel attraction:
1. Physical attraction – You’re a clean, nice smelling guy that dresses well and has a better than average body type
2. Intelligent attraction – You’re smart, capable and she instinctively knows that you’ll be able to take care of her
3. Humor attraction – You’re funny and using your humor you make her feel safe and all warm and fuzzy inside.

Of course there are many more ways for girls to be attracted to guys and I’m not going to cover all of them here, but you get my point right? Nothing above says that she feels more attraction when the guy is mooning over her saying “I like you”. It’s a relationship destroyer.

So Dave, don’t do it.
Don’t say you like her first. Follow what I say or you’ll lose her.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Hi Rob,
I’m 17 years old and a senior in high school. In the last few months I’ve noticed a girl around that really grabbed my attention so I went up to her at lunch one day and I said to her:

“Excuse me, I’m not really sure how to say this, but I’ve noticed you around and I just wanted to tell you that you’re an incredibly beautiful girl.”

So we introduced ourselves and talked for a while. Near the end of our conversation, I was about to ask for her number when she said all of a sudden:
“This is a really weird time to be doing this. I’m grounded right now, but I’ll give you my number as soon as I’m ungrounded okay?”

So I asked her when she was going to be ungrounded and she said she doesn’t know. I know she’s not lying for a fact, but it’s been weeks and weeks since she said this. Now I stop and have a nice little conversation and flirt with her in the halls once in a while, but here’s where my problem lies.

I’m a senior, and my parents will NOT allow me to get a driver’s license until I’m 18. I’m already humiliated enough by this and I don’t know what to do.

I’m really distraught right now about every aspect of my life and really am lost and don’t know what to do.

Should I just wait and see if she eventually gets her cell phone back? I know that that’s the only thing she’s grounded off of. I know she’s still allowed to hang out with people.

Please tell me how to handle this situation in a way that will increase her attraction for me! I really feel worthless at this time in my life because it feels like I don’t have any friends. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I want so bad for someone to care for me, I feel like if I can get in a relationship it might fill this empty hole in my heart. I would never let anyone in my life know these things though, as far as they know, I’m calm collect and confident with women.

I’m a fraud, I’ve never even been kissed before. I feel like my peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and maturity.

I desperately seek your help!
Thank you for your time,
Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
I really feel for you.

I can honestly tell you that life is hard… life is unfair…
And when you get all wrapped up with a woman that won’t give you the time of day life is cruel too….

There is good news however.

First off, promise me that you’ll save this email. Never delete it. And when this happens again, that you’re all wrapped up with a woman, you’ll come back to read it again. Because this won’t be your first time with this problem!

You know why I said that?
It’s because of several things:
- There are a lot of women in the world and there are 3 or 4 or maybe more, that will strike your fancy in the next 2 years, so always remember, if you want them, there will be more;

- The things you have, and don’t have, aren’t really all that important. Guys have been meeting, dating and making out with girls with far less than what you have… seriously, it’s no big deal that you don’t have a drivers license, unless YOU make it a big deal. When you can work with what you DO have, you’ll be a far better person. Complaining about it won’t change things, right? Get on with your life;

- You aren’t that original. Really, there is nothing that makes you special unless you make those things special. Now, what I mean about this is that every guy, every person, is unique. Now, a guy your age will substitute ‘unique’ with ‘different’ and make it a bad thing. It’s not a BAD thing! You just don’t know it yet. Your friends don’t know it either, so who’s to tell you? Your parents? Sure, but it’s what you’d expect of them right? So slow down, change your perspective and let’s get back to ‘different’ meaning ‘unique’ in a good way, the way it’s supposed to be, OK?

- You said:
“I’m a fraud, I’ve never even been kissed before. I feel like my peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and maturity. ”
Hahaha…. sorry for the laugh, well actually NOT, but really…. I’m amazed that you were comfortable enough to admit this. If more guys could the testosterone levels in schools would drop by about 80%.
Personally, I didn’t start dating until I was 19. And I was one of the cool kids… I just preferred doing other things at the time. And because of this, I had girls draped over me all of the time. I didn’t have to go after the girls, they came after me. And I said exactly that same sentence that you did:
“I’m a fraud, I’ve never even been kissed before. I feel like my peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and maturity.”
The only difference is that I found out that it wasn’t a fact, it was a lie I was telling myself. I learned that the girls were after me because they thought great things about me, even though I was a scared kid inside. Heck, with all the girls paying all that attention to me, I never was comfortable enough to kiss a girl until I was 19!
You get into trouble believing everything you hear, for one, and also you get into trouble thinking that your ‘peers’ know more than you do. Seriously, there may be a guy that has a reputation for getting the girls, but the rep isn’t worth anything. It may work while school lasts, because girls like competition, they like to get what another girl has… so if you get one girl, you can easily get more, because they’re a horny, competitive bunch that’s always trying to outdo each other, you just don’t know that because at your age no one has told you. If you asked your dad (or another trusted older guy), he’d tell you, but you’re too lacking in confidence to bare your soul that way. And that’s OK, it’s normal. Once you’re past high school, you’ll talk with him. Or another older guy. You’ll get the information you really need to get those things you need. Or think you need.

Now, before I get too far along, let’s recap:
- You’re feeling very attracted to a girl, a very strong, intense attraction, for the first time. She’s shutting you out and you can’t figure out why.
- You think this has to do with what you feel you are lacking, like a drivers license, or a fantastic personality, because this is the yardstick that you are using to compare yourself.
- Everyone you know is ‘doing it’ or at least dating and stuff, except you…. and this is your fault, not theirs, because you’re ‘different’ from everyone else.

Now, let’s deal with this head on.
She’s not that special, you’re just making her that way. Being the ultimate in wussiness, you’ve set her up as the queen of your life, given her all of your power, life, death, future and everything else. Things are brighter when you see her, grey, browned out and cranky when she’s not in your vision or thoughts.
You said:
“Excuse me, I’m not really sure how to say this, but I’ve noticed you around and I just wanted to tell you that you’re an incredibly beautiful girl.”
UGH!
You instantly confessed that she has control over you, that you’ll do whatever you can do to be near here, that your life has no value unless she will go out with you.
She instantly knows that:
- her value has gone up by her own estimation;
- she can tell her friends what you said and her value in their eyes goes up too;
- she now has a competitive thought that, if you like her, other guys will too, even more of they know about what you said, so she can use all of this to get more guys on the hook (of course, if she’s a victim of incredibly low self esteem and is using sex to get guys, none of what I tell you is valid, and you’re just reacting to teen horniness).
- and finally, she doesn’t need to date you because she’s already conquered you!

Now then you also said:
“I’m a senior, and my parents will NOT allow me to get a driver’s license until I’m 18. I’m already humiliated enough by this and I don’t know what to do. I’m really distraught right now about every aspect of my life and really am lost and don’t know what to do.”

So, let’s work at getting past these feelings of nothing working out for you. I’ve already said that life sucks, it’s unfair, blah blah blah. Of course that was a lie. A very bad one. You’ll hear that from all kinds of people in a stupid way to make you feel better.
They are liars too.
Life isn’t unfair, just how you look at it is warped to seem like it’s unfair. Inside yourself is the power and strength to handle these life crisis’s, if indeed they are something that you can control.
Work with what you have, not complain about what you don’t have.
There will be life after school…. your exposure to all these so called ‘peers’ will greatly lessen and you’ll be with only those friends that give and get value in your friendship.

You MUST do these things that I tell you to do in the next 2 weeks:

The GIRL:
The next time you see her, say only this:
“You had your chance.”
And walk away.
That simple sentence will eradicate all the wussiness actions you’ve had so far with her. It will increase her interest, if she has any at all, for you. “You had your chance” will test her competitiveness with the other girls she knows. You will be talked about. Your value will rise greatly.
And when she comes after you…. keep her on a short leash. She has to call you at the times you specify. You create the rules.
This may not happen instantly, her coming after you… but at least you’ve regained your own self-worth and put her in her place at the same time.

The EXPERIENCE:
Talk these feelings over with an older guy. Low self-esteem isn’t unusual but it is devastating when not dealt with. During the next two weeks you’ve got to talk to an older married guy that you know (Dad, uncle, family friend) starting with this:
“How did you know that your (current wife) was the one for you?”
“How did you meet”
“When did you know she was the one?”
“Who was your first love and how did you get over her?”
You need to get some perspective. You’re not alone in this and you need to talk it out with someone that can help. Someone that is near you.

Your LIFE:
Nothing is over until you say it is. I don’t mean become a stalker, but know when to move on to the next girl. If all you do is get self-worth from the girls you chase after, you’ve got a long hard life ahead of you. You are going to get yourself a book to read. Ayn Rand’s “Fountainhead”. You’re going to read it. You’re going to get and start reading this book as soon as possible. I don’t care if you have to cross a desert or walk through a blizzard.
You’re going to get the original “Superman” movie. Rent it, buy it, whatever. When you watch it, you’re going to watch how Superman/Clark Kent deals with women and in particular Lois Lane. And you’re going to compare your own interactions with women to his.
You’re going to start a savings account. Open it yourself and put a couple of dollars into it. When you can put a couple of dollars into it. Maybe instead of buying beer, or having that second burger when you’re out. This will be your “Freedom Fund”. And I don’t have to tell you freedom from what, do I?

Anonymous don’t let me down. Do what I told you.
Best wishes,
Rob.