Biker Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
I’ve been seeing this guy for 7 months now. I met him in a biker bar where almost anything goes.

When I first saw him I wasn’t attracted to him but the way he approached me drew me in. Everyone in the bar consistently tells me how attractive I am and guys are always hitting on me. This is where the problems started.

I have never cheated on him and I do believe he hasn’t either. We live about a half hour apart. I have traveled every weekend to him to stay from Friday to Sunday night. He has been a great boyfriend, always takes care of me when were out, very respectful, loving and loves me to death.

I have never had anyone love me as much as he does. Problems are he is very insecure with his looks and himself. He has a problem with being in unfamiliar situations with crowds. He breaks out into sweats. He hasn’t spent anytime with me and my friends due to he’s very insecure and feels he won’t fit in.

He has been going to this same bar for 9 yrs. and me just 1 year ago. He is comfy with the surroundings of the bar and the friends he has there. He doesn’t socialize very much anywhere else and I do. I’m very outgoing. He told me once he’s not a lover of life and has had suicidal thoughts since he was a teenager. He is now 45 and I am 43.

He has clung to me and doesn’t want the outside world to pull me away from him, that has been his fear. He hasn’t had a relationship last more than a few months and another issue is he isn’t a good kisser at all and in bed not very passionate.

Again he will do anything for me but these things are just built into a person, I think. and it’s important to me to being compatible with someone.

I admit I have been a flirt while at this bar. Again I have never cheated… but once alcohol is involved my frustration builds and I push away from him and the flirting starts with other guys.

We broke up once a month ago only for a week. I took him back, then a week ago I broke off with him again. It was a ugly breakup due to alcohol was involved with me while being at the bar.

I’ve never been mean or hurtful to him and he hasn’t with me. I emailed him twice to explain how I was feeling… he read but didn’t reply. He’s not talking with anyone.

I’m so confused as to my heart is hurting so bad. I miss him and love him. I’ve been sick to my stomach all week but I’m scared…. I’m scared that things wont be right if we get back together.
Thank you for reading,
June

Hi June,
I think that, honestly, the two of you need some time apart to get some counseling.

Alcohol abuse is a sure sign of discomfort, with what I couldn’t tell you, I don’t know you.

Your (ex) boyfriend has agoraphobia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agoraphobia) which can be treated, either through medication, counseling, or both.

Stop emailing your feelings to him.
Enough is enough.

He’s likely hurt but not in a “broken love” way, more of a “don’t know what to do” way and since he has no one to talk this over with except for bar-buddies, at this time in your life you’re better off working on yourself.

You’re both old enough to make the most of the rest of your lives worth living, now is the time for change.

You haven’t spoken much about your previous relationships but I feel as though you’ve been through the wringer. Take some time for yourself.

Enrol in a cooking class… something out of the house where you can meet people other than at a bar.

If you can lighten the load you are putting on yourself you’ll be much better, you’ll have more energy and all around enjoy “you” more.

I wish you well,
Email me any time.
Best wishes,
Rob.

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