Category Archives: Cheaters

Advice for cheaters and the men/women they’ve cheated on.

Do I Keep My Boyfriend or the Guy I Met Online?

Dear Rob,
I’m in a state of confusion whether to ‘breakup’ or end communicating with this guy. I’m 27 and he’s 26.

I met him online and we’ve been chatting for almost 6 months now.

He’s halfway round the world, obviously. We just talk things out if we’re not busy. We like each other but I guess he likes me more because he doesn’t seem to care if I have a boyfriend already ( I have a steady boyfriend for 6 years in a relationship).

I’m totally impressed with his style because for 6 months straight he remained respectful… not a typical guy you’ve met online who would go overboard, you know those stuffs. No pressure at all from him.

He used to tell me that we’re not talking ‘relationships’ but liking each other.  He said, he really doesn’t know why he likes me so much and remained communicating with me even though I shut out our communication for two months straight.

And I don’t even know what type of relationship we are in right now.

What it’s called Rob?

Of course I should not expect more out of this because I’m cheating with my boyfriend.

That’s the point.  So…

Why does this guy keeps me at bay?

He doesn’t want to end our communication. He said he’ll be around til we grow old. lol…  He said I have every right on him.. every right.  But he doesn’t want to open up his 3 year relationship with his ex. Could it be he still loves her? I’m just a cover up?

And he also told me that if I want to meet him I just have to say so. But as I see it,  no strings attached, since he’s got plans to have a girlfriend in his place.

It’s just that he doesn’t found someone special. He used to say that why we’re so far from each other.

He’s culture bound and he’s not christian.

What do you think Rob?

Hi,

I think you are cheating on the guy you’re with and looking for a reason to escape this relationship.

I’m not going to give it to you. But I think you’ll make that one up for yourself.

6 years in a relationship and still dating? Living together without a firm commitment on marriage?

Do you see why you have doubts?

You need to decide for yourself which is going to be the better relationship, the one you have now or your fantasy guy that you met online. 6 months of chatting doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.

You are in a fantasy relationship with this online guy, that’s what it’s called.

When you meet someone online my rule is: “You never know someone until you can smell them”.

There are big differences between his culture and yours. Watch out. There is a lot more to this story and what you’re not telling me are the reasons why you don’t think this ‘relationship” would work. Follow your gut instinct about this, and end it.

And if you do go to visit him, yes, there are strings attached. You are becoming emotionally attached to this shadow guy, this figment of an online boyfriend. End it now.

I really think you need some single time or counselling to decide why you have allowed yourself to put yourself in this situation.

What are you looking for outside of your current relationship?

Best wishes,

Rob

Dating An Older Guy And A Cheater

Dear Rob,
My name’s Diana.

Me and my first love got back together after being apart for 4 years. He cheated on me. We got back together about 2 months ago.

He’s cheated on me again with his ex-girlfriend. He told me so many lies about him not wanting her, her not meaning anything, and all the other bullsh*t. He still tries to get back with me, saying that he loves me and that it won’t happen again.

He said that when him and her were having sex he stopped it, and told her that it was all about me. I know that has to be bullsh*t for real. What guy would stop having sex?

He told me that he told her that he loved me, blah blah blah. But, he cheated on me. He lied to me more than 15 times, telling me that nothing was going on and that he would never do me like he did in the past.

He basically did the same thing. When we first started talking I was only 14 years old. He said that he cheated because I was young and we couldn’t spend time together, and he could have went to jail.

But, why would he talk to me?? He is basically a piece of crap and I want him out of my system terribly. Yet, even though he did that to me, I’m still in love with the trick. I don’t understand why. Please give me some advice (Maybe God can speak through you!).
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
I hate to be the one to break the news but you’ve been used and used badly.
And you keep coming back for more.

Let’s look at what you told me:
– You were 14 when you started dating this guy. Obviously he’s older, maybe by more than a couple of years. He may even been a statutory rapist for all I know.
– Whenever he had the chance, when you weren’t available for what he wanted, he found a girl that he could get what he wanted from. He not only cheated on you but he cheated on these other girls too.
– He never took your relationship seriously but he does know how to manipulate you into getting what he wants.
– He knows how to lie to you, to apologize to you and to get you in a frenzy enough that you want him back no matter what he’s done.

Now let’s look at what I read between the lines:
– You’re not old enough and you’re not responsible enough to make any right choices that affect the rest of your life.
– You think that you’re following your heart but you’re only following the emotions of the moment that blind you to the reality of what’s really happening.
– You’re willing to give yourself justification by forgiving him because you think it’s right but you don’t actually see how he is manipulating you.
– You know that this is a bad relationship and you also know that your parents wouldn’t like it so you hide this from them, likely lying about what’s going on in your life.
– I’ll even bet that the majority of your friends don’t like this guy and you’ve probably even lost friends by putting this guy first.

What you need to know about guys:
Guys think logically. 2 + 2 equals 4. Red and yellow mix up to make green. Lies are allowed until caught and then you can probably talk yourself out of trouble by throwing in the words “love, forgive, it won’t happen again, it’s not a big deal, she didn’t mean anything” and such.
Guy’s can sense when they can manipulate girls. And they’ll do it as often as they can get away with it. They know that a ‘girl in love’ will forgive time and time again because the girl is such an emotional cripple around him that he can say almost anything, promise anything and get forgiveness and another opportunity.

What you need to do:
Understand that you’re not going to think logically about this. Your emotions will dictate your responses every time the guy comes around and that’s not a good thing. You’ve got to step back a minute and look at this logically. Put your emotions in check. Realize that you’re being used, being played and being kept at a disadvantage in this relationship.

You need to cut yourself off from this guy. No more contact. Hang out with friends your own age and stop being such a doormat for this guy.

Grow up, stay single and learn about yourself before you share yourself with another, any, guy. Give yourself at least the next 12 months off from dating or any serious involvements.

You wanted advice? You’ve got it.
And for goodness sakes talk to your parents about your life.
Letting crap like this happen to you then needing advice from a stranger online can’t have been your only option here. I’m glad to be able to offer you advice but you’ve got to talk this out with someone closer to you (just not him!).
Best wishes,
Rob.

I Dated A Frog

Dear Rob,
Ok here it goes.

I have known and worked with this man for 13 years.

He is married. We were friends and have this huge connection.

Over the years he has expressed feelings for me and I to him but I have made it clear that we cant be lovers until he leaves his wife.

He accepted that, but said he was afraid.

He is 51 and I am 36.

e loves women, flirts madly all the time with all women.

They seem to make him feel good about himself.

He never flirts with me. Just when we are out of the work context on a staff night out, he ignores them all and comes for me.

I kept turning him down.

This guy is a pretty straight talker and others see the cracks in his marriage, but I had a father who cheated on my mother, so find it hard to trust without evidence or actions.

Anyway, this went on and on, us acting like colleagues, then this conversation happens on nights out.

Until last year.

Last year, I accused him of ignoring me on a night out. He went berserk, said it was always his fault, would not talk to me for months.

Then we had another night out and we were ok, but out of the blue he started to run down how I looked. His eyes were black.
I asked him why he said it, when he knew I loved him and he told me to say that to him in work, once and for all, sober.

I didn’t cause he had hurt me and being honest, I don’t show emotion, I am terrified of being close to anyone and I suppose the truth was, I just pretended nothing happened.

About a week afterwards, he came into my office and made small talk, made a big attempt to look upset, then as I left he said ‘is that it then?’ After that he ignored me, shunned me etc.
We parted due to work for three months. Just beforehand I rang him to say take it ok over summer, because I love him.

He was ok but distant and sounded a little upset..but basically cold.

We met up again recently, working together, I made an effort, he was cautious which was to be expected, but generally we got on better than we have done in years.

Then during the week I got dressed up for a meeting, not sexy now, jumper and stuff, but I usually down myself and he would not look at me.

I mean, he tried to ignore me and when I forced the issue he actually turned away from me.

The next day I passed him and he looked at me, then ignored me and started chatting up this foreign girl..I mean big time.

I showed I was upset but accepted he probably has moved on.

Made no inroads on him. Now he runs away from me when he sees me.

What is going on?

The last detail is that he accused me of worrying too much what people thought the night he insulted how I looked.

The day before I dressed for meeting, he came into the lunch room, saw me, sat next to me but ran off.

So I thought he would feel awkward if I stayed so I left. After that he seemed hurt and nasty.
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
You’ve invested too much of yourself into this married man.

You tell me that you’ve been stung by a cheater because of what your dad did to your mother but you’re doing exactly what you said you don’t want to do!

Just because there hasn’t been any sex doesn’t mean you’re not cheating in your heart, in your fantasies.

Move on from him, I’d think you’d see past his little mind games and be able to maturely move on with your life.

If you were my sister I’d be writing online profiles for you to post of yourself on some online dating services.

Seriously, you need to move on from this stage of your life.

You have a big heart but refuse to love only what you deny yourself. That isn’t healthy or wise.

Please find a place in your heart to offer yourself to a better suited man in your life.
The next step is yours.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Love Is A Hurting Game

Dear Rob,
I am wondering if you can help me with the following scenario ? I am looking for a very honest answer, even if it seems “negative” Thanks for your time.

I have liked a man in my church for a year now. At first John was really keen. ( he was talking about his life plans and asking me about mine) Because I have been hurt in the past by a player extraordinaire I was giving him mixed messages ( friendly one minute/ignoring him the next) this was to protect myself.

After 6 months of us flirting/being friendly I started flirting with Leo, a guy who also liked me, John then backed off. Anyway I then went away on a mission for a few months and since coming back he has continued to be non communicative, but is friendly when I approach him ( but no longer makes any effort with me) His family were “funny” with me after I was flirting with another guy. I spoke to his brother about fancying him and saying its like he likes me but has never asked me out. His brother said that he might just have been about to ask me out but because of all my flirting he didn’t know where he stood. His brother said that he is very shy and has never had a girlfriend before even though he is 29. His brother has repeatedly told me to approach John about this relationship and get some idea about how he feels.

In the meantime the second guy Leo told John’s best friend that I really liked him (Leo) and that he had rejected me because he only likes me as a friend. I believe that this guy did this to make it look like I was “sloppy seconds” to John (who I really liked). This is really mean but lets not go there as I should not have been stringing two guys along at the same time (but I was only doing it I think to protect myself from men after being so hurt in the past, I was thinking subconsciously no-one will ask me out if they don’t know where they stand with me- but lets stop making excuses for myself, I just wanted to try and explain my crazy logic at the time).

Anyway, to cut the story short after a year of waiting for a sign, I called the brother and asked for his opinion if I should call John, he said yes definitely, he has some stuff that he wants to get off his chest. I texted John to ask him if it was convenient for me to call him ( we have never spoken on the phone before) and he rang my phone more or less straight away.

We were on the phone for about 20 minutes, he said that when I first joined the church he got the impression that I fancied him (and asked if this was true, to which I replied I did). He said that he fancied me at first then changed his mind after getting to know me. I asked if it had anything to do with the Leo situation and he completely denied any knowledge of it!

But his family were funny with me for my flirtation and the fact that they suspected I was with this other guy, I asked him why he had changed his mind about me and he said that it’s nothing terrible but he doesn’t want to say. He also said that he doesn’t want to offend me but he doesn’t want to choose a girl who is second best for him. He said that he doesn’t feel a spark for me anymore. He also asked how I view dating, he asked if I viewed it as something that leads to marriage or just recreation (he expressed that it should lead to marriage).

He also said that he is really keen to keep looking now to find “the one” but thought that he had found the perfect one in me but time indicated I wasn’t. He said that he is really looking forward to getting married. When I am in the room with him he still continues to look over in my direction, but I would say he makes a point of not talking to me. If I talk to him he’s shy/embarrassed but happy and struggles to make eye contact. People say that I have probably hurt him and he is inexperienced in love which also makes it worse.

Also I feel that the comment about not wanting to be with me because he feels he would be accepting second best is because of my “rendezvous” with the other guy (who claims to have rejected me!) then it makes me look as if I am with John because Leo has rejected me. I told John that if I were with him , even though he feels that I am not right for him, I feel he is my perfect man, and it has taken me a year to realize this, and I am sorry for messing him around.

I told him that I had pushed him away deliberately because I didn’t know whether to trust him. So, do you think a lot of our phone call he was testing the waters to see if I really did like him in the first place and to check that I do not see him as second best.

Or do you think that there is no potential for anything in the future as he said that we are incompatible and there is no spark there.

I just feel so sorry for hurting him and hope we can re-build. I told him that I was sorry for messing him around and I didn’t trust him at first but can see now how honest he is. Some of my friends say that I have truly messed things up and he wont ever get with me now but others say that he liked me so much that in time he will get over it.

Thanks,
Jessica

Hi Jessica,
I think that you are reaping the rewards of your mixed messages and being hurt before in a relationship.

There comes a time when we have to let go of the past, if only to make our future more certain. You did not, have not, done this.

I suggest a more sincere talk with John, a man of 29 years old that has not dated.
Sure, it’s fine to not date until “the one” comes along, but how would he know? Inexperience does not a man make!!

You need to have someone in your life (professionally) that will help you let go of the past. Enough of this playing games, flirting and shutting the guys down.

Seriously, date or go off the market.

Talk to a very close friend, your pastor, maybe even a counselor, that can guide you to starting a fulfilling relationship. Enough of going after/ flirting with, emotionally unavailable men so that you will not get hurt again.

Love is a hurting game.
Play it again!
You’ll love the rewards.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Do You Forgive Her When She Cheats On You?

Dear Rob,
I have been in a serious relationship with a really nice woman for the last 6 years. Our relationship has had its share of problems mainly caused due to fact that 1) have a very time demanding job; 2) she is very beautiful so men are hitting on her all the time and it makes me jealous sometimes.

She always assured me that nothing has been going on and that she really loves and wants me forever. I believed her and still do….sort of that is.

I recently found a lot of sms messages in her cell phone from another man calling her ‘baby’ and ‘I really miss you’ and stuff like that. I was shocked and when I asked her she went all furious about me invading her privacy and all that.

She admitted that she had an affair about a year ago lasting 2 months. It was serious as she told me. That guy proposed her to marry him and after seriously considering it she turned it down and broke up with him.

She said the reason was she loved me too much to do anything like that. She met him again 2 weeks ago by chance and since then he send her those sms I found.

The reason she started an affair with him back then, was because she felt mistreated by me because of my stressful job and long work hours away. This is only partially true. I do work a lot but I am doing a lot for my relationship too. To be honest I could have done more though.

Well the tricky part starts here: She says she wants to marry me and have family with me in the future, but ABOVE all she says she needs my emotional support the present time. Her father has terminal cancer. She said that she won’t accept any talks about her previous misdoings and that she wants her calmness in order to deal with this difficult situation.

She told me that I can help her but if I can’t I should just leave.

Well I REALLY love this woman but I can’t keep that affair thing out of my mind.

How could I ever leave her knowing that she needs me at this difficult time? By the way our sex life rally sucks for this last year.
Please help me Rob…. I’m really clueless and worried

Hi Clueless,
I can appreciate the situation you’re in.

You’re a really nice guy to stay with her after she cheated on you. And I can understand not being able to completely trust her anymore. Especially since she’s started talking to this guy again. She’s offered you no reasons at all to be able to trust her and yet she wants you to forgive her. She doesn’t want to deal with the fallout of her actions but she wants you to bury your pain and stay with her. Even move on to marrying her, even though you’re hurting. She has unreal expectations is what I say.

Now, with her father dealing with cancer she’s going to need a lot of emotional support. And because of the evidence of the sms messages I’m sure she’s started to get some support from her affair guy. And she’s using this family issue to bury her past, to make you forgive without her having to deal with talking about her affair to you. She’s using you. Yes, calmness is needed for her to be able to support her father in his time of need, but that is not a reason to deal with her life right now.

You both need serious relationship or pre-marriage counseling if you’re going to be able to move on towards a trusting, loving marriage. And when you ask her to join you in counseling I bet my bottom dollar that she’ll find some excuse not to. She won’t want to work on YOUR relationship with HER because she will use any reason to not have to decide between the two guys in her life. (I never believe in chance meetings between ex-lovers!) And going to counseling with you would force her to decide.

My honest opinion is for you to separate from her.
You ask how can you leave her at this time?
Well, she is using her father’s cancer and her needs to her advantage. And she’s using this because she knows that there will come a time when you’re just not going to be there for her. Your work demands will call you away and she will be able to turn to this other guy and be able to blame her cheating actions on you. Hey, she’s already blamed her past affair on you, right?

I think that because of your other obligations there will come a time when you will be unable to offer her the support she needs and at the first time she doesn’t have you there for her she’ll turn to this other guy, who is back in her life, for the support she needs. Really, he’s in the sidelines waiting to take your place and she’s already setting the stage for this to happen.

There are only two ways to go:
– Deal open and honestly with her cheating on you, the reasons for her past affair and her now continuing contact with this other guy. Have her join you in counseling to deal with her infidelities, without using the excuse of her father’s illness being a reason not to go. You both need to do this to conquer the infection that has poisoned your relationship.
– Break up with her and find yourself a personal counselor to talk with. You need professional help to deal with this cheating event in your life. And you need to be out of her life so that you can heal properly.
Best wishes,
Rob.