Category Archives: Cheaters

Advice for cheaters and the men/women they’ve cheated on.

When Friends With Benefits Backfires

Dear Rob,
I am getting quite annoyed with myself and came across this site and hoped you may be able to offer some advice.

About four years ago I met a man the same age as me (23 at the time) and we really got on, however we were never more than friends with benefits. I was really happy with that as I could keep that part of my life separate from the other more boring parts of my life.

He then disappeared and I hadn’t heard from him for almost three years and really had moved on and hadn’t given him much thought, I guess I just assumed he had met someone he was serious about.

About four months ago he got back in touch and things have returned to the way things were before only now he is meeting my friends and family. Before he only came to see me on an evening now he calls when I have people there too.

My son has met him and although he thinks of him as just mom’s friend he is becoming close to him.

Now here’s the problem:
The more I see of him and the more my friends and family accept him the more I am starting to feel for him. That’s why I am annoyed with myself it was never supposed to go this way.

I haven’t told him this and I won’t even if that’s what you advise me to do as I don’t want to risk the friendship. I know he cares about me and wouldn’t want to hurt me but I just don’t think he would want anything more serious as I am an overweight single mum and he is attractive and can probably have any stick thin thing he wants. I don’t know what advice you could give me but needed to say it all somewhere without risking people thinking I am weak or judging me, I didn’t want to end up feeling like this and originally I thought the set up was great. Anyway what do you think.
Anon

Hi Anon,
You’ve fallen into several traps here:

You’ve tried to separate sex from your feelings, which never works out;

You’ve mixed “Friends with Benefits” sex with family and now not only will you get hurt but your son as well;

You don’t think much of yourself, seriously, you’re self-conscious and not happy with the person you are;

And reality has entered the relationship and you know his interest in you is only sex just as it was for you. Or you’re reading this development all wrong and are to scared to admit to yourself about using him and hoping for more. You can’t give yourself the forgiveness you really need to expand on this possible relationship as it progresses.

Having a relationship based on sex is not being honest with yourself or does it show that you respect yourself. This type of behavior has to end now!

Having a “Friends with Benefits” relationship is always a losing situation for the woman, as you admit.

Here you were, screwing around with him, and he just disappears. He found something better and moved on. You kept to yourself and when he re-appeared you opened your bed to him again.

Is this how you want your son to view women? As objects for pleasure, not to be loved and appreciated?

First off, end this relationship. You’re not going to get what you want from him and you’re going to hurt a lot more if you let this continue. Unless he puts a ring on your finger, give him the boot. Even his meeting your family and becoming friends with your son are dangerous signs that he wants what you can’t give him. Or what you can’t trust him with. Or that you want less than he’s offering because you can’t believe that there is more to sex than casual non-committal hook ups.

Then I want you to start counseling. Find out why your self-esteem and self-respect is at such a low point.

And if you’re not working, get a job and/or go back to school. Start walking a little every day, get some exercise. Improve your life so you aren’t reliant on others. Show your son that life is worth living, not letting it pass you by. That you don’t need to be used any longer, you have value as a person.

“Friends with Benefits” relationships are deceiving people left and right. These “friends” that hook up believe that they can separate sex from emotion. That there is no commitment required, there will be no regrets, and that sex is just an amusement between two people that happen to be together at the moment.

But if you dig a little deeper, wasn’t there some basis for the initial attraction? Did the hook up happen only as if you had purchased a ticket on an amusement park ride? Did you not feel some comfort in the afterglow of the sex act then refuse to admit to yourself that you actually are a person capable of having feelings?

When this type of disorganized thinking is revealed to not be the real intention of getting together how does the relationship move on? How can you get over the feelings of being used for your body parts and find a way to move beyond the “Friends with Benefits” beginning and into a real loving relationship?

Almost universally there is a breakup (or ending of the FWB rules), further repeated hook ups resulting in hurt emotions and bewilderment as you try to figure out how life went so terribly wrong.

End the FWB relationship as soon as possible. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your “friend” and get to the root of your relationship needs. Love and companionship isn’t rooted in sex, sex comes after love and commitment has been proven.

And if the relationship is not to progress beyond convenient hook ups, it’s time to re-examine your self-worth and find yourself a true love to share yourself with, even if this means working on yourself while staying single and celibate for a while.
Best wishes,
Rob.

My Friend Is A Cheater

Dear Rob,
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding.

At the same time she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiancé.
They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for Christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package.

She says that she loves this guy dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with her fiancé while she is also in love with this other guy. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can’t stop “When I’m with this guy I just can’t tell him no”.

What is a best friend to do? I can’t tell her anything, she won’t hear it. I tried to tell her that I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, that I can’t sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man.

But after telling her that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She says I’m judging her and abandoning her and that I’m just a fair-weather friend.
I don’t know what else to do. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?
– ExBestFriend

Hi ExBestFriend,
You really have an honest definition of friendship, don’t you?
You have tried to talk to your friend, your “Maid of Honor” about her cheating ways, to no avail.
You have stood by her while she cheats on her fiancé with another man that she says she also loves too much to give up.
You’ve done your best, much more than any friend I would ever suggest to get involved into.

When your best friend loses their way it’s a friends duty to suggest corrections to their behavior.
When your best friend starts to cheat in their romances and you’re aware of it, it’s time to lay down the laws of your friendship, tell your best friend to make the necessary changes to their life or lose your friendship.
She has put you in an impossible position. No doubt when her life crashes around her and she loses one or both of the men in her life she will come crying to you for consolation.
This is no longer your place.
You must end your friendship and let her ruin her own life without dragging you into her sordid mess of a life.

You are judging her. You are not abandoning her.
You are forcing her to look at the the choices she’s made and the lies she’s continuing to live with.
You are forcing her to make a choice if not between the two men in her life, at least to choose between your honest and open friendship and the lies she has surrounded herself with.
You are not a fair-weather friend, she’s placing her own selfish interests ahead of everyone else in her life.

Good for you for calling attention to the value of your friendship with her.
Stand by your convictions, your beliefs, your honesty.
Let her self-destruct without you.
Don’t help her to continue this lie.
Let this cheating trailer-trash have both her men and the failed life she is soon to encounter.

You help me to believe that there are still honest friends out there in this big bad, sad world of ours. True friends offer help, support and caring to others that need it. True friends don’t fight loosing battles for friendship when they know that the trouble lays with the choices the other has made and does not want to correct.

You will find another close friend that shares your attitudes about life, high standards and valued caring for those around you.
I wish you well,
Rob.

Cheating On You With His Ex

Hi Rob,
I understand that you have a lot of emails to answer and this is long but my situation is lets just say ‘complex’.

I normally wouldn’t ask a man for advice on this because most likely from experience his answer would have to do with me being hit on and him trying to get lucky but since you’re miles away and its via email the chances of that happening are zilch.

I’ve known my boyfriend for 4 years – we’ve been intimate for 3 of them. As of February of this year I found out he was cheating on me with his off and on ex of 3 years. He didn’t tell her about me either. I was very annoyed and hurt and he blamed it on the fact that we were not seeing each other as much because of my having to attend classes more often. I work at a tertiary institution at a desk job and I am pursuing an accounting and IT qualification part-time and I think this has him insecure. We went from seeing each other almost everyday per week to about 2X per week – but this was just when exams were closer. Throughout the relationship he kept asking me if I was seeing or interested in anyone else. Of course I wasn’t and I explained to him that we live different lifestyles at this point in time and it may be hard to understand but I was not cheating on him. I did tell him that he was responsible for what happened and that he had some deep insecurity issues to work out.

My boyfriend

My boyfriend is into transport. He didn’t do too well in school and was most interested in the ‘in crowd’ during his younger years. He worked at the bank for 3 years and then decided to take over his dads occupation in transport. Where I’m from his job can make good as a self employed taxi driver and he may not be the academic but he has very good ideas and potential. The occupation doesn’t have much prestige but I didn’t really care. My mother wasn’t too pleased with me being with him because of his occupation and to an extent she still isn’t – I guess she’s just gotten ‘used’ to it. I’m not one to judge people either and I welcome company from anyone once its sincere and we think alike. In the past year or so he has run into financial difficulty. It mainly has to do with the bus and the fact that he is the main breadwinner for his family – his parents and two siblings who are grown adults. He has had this responsibility since he was 24. Now he’s always stressed or depressed sometimes. The other day he said he felt so down he hadn’t looked at himself in the mirror because he was not proud of himself. I was physically attracted after meeting him a few times but I liked his mind more.

The incidents
When I caught him his ex was in the living room watching tv with his friends. I didn’t really see her but he heard me open the gate and then rushed outside and pulled me outside and said ‘I have to tell you something’. Well I was just blown over. He said that they had become ‘intimate’ in my absence and that basically it was just sex and it only happened once in a blue moon – not that I did believe him. He said he wouldn’t see her again (liar) and another night I went up there and there she was sitting next to him and he had the most guilty look in his face. He pulled both of us aside to talk to us straight, took 5 minutes to say anything and I just left. She left too but she went inside….from the street I could see the both of them talking ..she didn’t seem too pissed.

The ex
She is older than him – he is 28 and she is 32, I’m 26 and she was his riff raff cousin’s girlfriend at one time. He cheated on her very badly – so he told me- and she left him after a very long time. She works at a pharmacy as a counter clerk, is overweight and not very much educated in anything – academics, trade or otherwise. She also seems very petty. For the months that he was with her and she knew nothing about me she left nothing behind at his apartment. I’ve found it funny that shortly after she learnt of me she’s been playing ‘games’. About 2 months ago she left a football with her name on it at his apartment – in his bedroom. I didn’t say anything at this point because I wanted to show him that I didn’t really care however I found this amusing. Then about 2 weeks afterwards she left a pair of blue slippers behind a sheet of mirror in his room. Don’t mean to sound shallow but lets just say that you wouldn’t ever find that in the $5 store – I definitely would not wear that. Not just the quality but it was ugly – I mean there is nice footwear that you can get for a good price – just check Payless Shoes at least. THAT second item I brought to his attention. I expressed to him that while I found this petty and pathetic it is a sign that she is intimidated by me. I also said that we are dating, not living together or married and she needs to just lighten up – though I’d prefer that she’d just disappear. I also laughed and said I was flattered. My fear was however that I also took it as passive aggression and since I don’t know her personality I’m not too sure if she’s violent or dangerous in any manner. He said how she left it there and he only saw it after she left. He also said that he didn’t want anything to happen to me and he would not let it get to that point. I told him that I don’t want any of her things there left in that manner. It was then I probed him and asked ‘where does she work.. what does she do’. I figured pretty much she worked minimum wage because of her choice of slippers, her hair was always in a mess and she just didn’t look ‘polished’. He said that she’s into pharmaceuticals but from then I knew she worked in a pharmacy. She left two other items there – a can opener and a pen with the name of two pharmaceuticals on them that I knew for a fact were distributed by two different agents. Yes I did do some sleuthing. Even after that I would refer to her ‘pharmacy girl’ a few times and he never denied it. I’ve stopped doing that though – just thought doing it too much made me look immature but I was getting my point across. He then admitted that I had forgotten a pair of underwear there (lets just say that my underwear is quite ‘unique’). It was there so long that even I forgot about it (but it was long before she came in the picture) and he said he liked it and kept it. Well she found it and she was most upset. He then broke it down to her that she knows how the situation is. He didn’t say that she had it. He said that he would not let her things stay there and for weeks after I didn’t notice anything of hers there. On Sunday I was there and yes you guessed it – she left another pair of cheap slippers.
I asked then if she kept my underwear and he said ‘uh huh’. I asked what did she do with it and he didn’t answer. So feeling mischievous I went there the night before to get down to the underwear thing because for the whole day I was calling him and only getting his voice messaging. I am just not comfortable with the idea either. I knew she would be there and I was right. It was at night and I called out to her at the door as it was open (didn’t say her name) and calmly asked her if he was home. She said that he wasn’t. She came to the door in a towel only (a most disgusting sight ugh and I told him so afterwards) which I found rather repulsive and classless. I said ‘ok’ and as she was continuing about her business I called out to her again and asked her if she had my underwear. She said ‘oh so you were the person.. no I don’t you’ll have to take that up with him’ (what a weak pretense because he told me she had a fit when she saw it and she knew who I was) and I said ‘really? he said that you had it’. Then she said ‘no you’ll have to take it up with him’. I said ‘ok I will but keep this in mind ..if I ask him again and he doesn’t have it I’ll ensure that I take it up with whoever has it and its not going to be pleasant.’ She said ‘ok’ and walked off’. I did this because she apparently didn’t know me well enough and thought that she could just disrespect me through him because apparently he has a problem setting boundaries with her. My issue is not so much her leaving her things. Its the intent. I realised that she was passive aggressive. I also had to let her know who she was up against.

Questions
How could he be with her? She not physically attractive – sagging breasts, big stomach and just untoned all over (5’5 150 lbs?) – I take care of myself – she doesn’t know how to dress, not pretty much intelligent because of her playing petty games and has no decorum – speaking to someone in a towel at the door? She’s over 30 and still working at a pharmacy, owns no home or vehicle and just doesn’t seem to have a future. And if its about sex that’s stupid because we do everything. She seems a bit pushy and controlling. I once went through his mobile messages (don’t worry he goes through mine too but he didn’t know I went through his) and she left a very terse message ‘answer your phone’. I’ve never treated him badly, given him massages and everything. In fact I really loved my boyfriend and still do – I admit it. I’ve tried to build his confidence over the years and have helped him out and stayed through thick and thin. How could he even think that I was cheating?
If he’s with her why does he care about me wearing shorts at night or staying out too late, or about me moving to another apartment and finding a man there when he visits (he’s been stressing on that frequently).
Why tell me you want me in your life, don’t want to hurt me, don’t want to lose me and that he holds me on a high pedestal?
Why did he feel hurt when we broke up over this situation before?
Why is he worrying that if I leave him I’ll end up with some idiot (as if he isn’t) because he thinks I have a sweet personality?
Why is he so insecure and why cant he believe that not all women care about money and things or that I would leave him for a man with these things?
Is there ever hope for cheaters (my aunt from personal experience and 36 years of marriage says once one always one).
Why sleep with your cousin’s ex?
Does he see her as a mother figure or is he suffering from the madonna – whore syndrome?

People ask why I don’t leave. I don’t leave because I’m just fed up of men- the games and the trials. I don’t know one man who isn’t a cheater… even an older man of 50 or so (who was pretending to be a father figure type friend and who is married) who told me my bf ex was older than him (without seeing her…he has experience) just from what I told him about my boyfriend was trying to get between my legs – he is not even the least bit attractive. I’ve been sexually exploited most of my life by the male species and to me it makes no sense leaving him now to end up with something worse or the same. People say ‘you attract what you put out’. I disagree. I have shouted at men to stay away from me. I don’t dress provocatively – well most men say I have sex appeal and all his friends did find me attractive. I never smile at a man – but I did smile at my boyfriend…he made me laugh. These men come after me I don’t go after them. I state my case plain and upfront…many times I say ‘I’m not interested in you and never will be’ and they pretend to be your friend hoping that it will be something else which gets me very annoyed until one day I let them have it and then they call me a bitch. You avoid them tell them to stay away and they still show up. Only if I threaten to go to the police then I’m left alone. And if I go to the police they hit on me too. I’ve only dated 3 men in this life because I was just afraid of men. They were just jerks. Just this morning some idiot was telling me in my ear over and over ‘about how good I looked in a pair of pants..’ from behind and when I said ‘do not talk to me’ he got most upset. Like I’m supposed to thank him for undressing me with his eyes and not keeping quiet about it. Sheesh.
Even after I turn down these idiots I eventually find out that they’re married, engaged, in LTRs, sleep with prostitutes or were just interested in sex only for points.
Now this. Right now this situation is a competition and I am not going to lose to that woman. Yes I have an ego.

Please explain what is going on because I don’t understand men or the situation at all.
Thanks, A.

Hi A,
Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you: You’ve been played and played well.
Have you heard the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?
Well, this guy that you’re trying to hold to to so much is just that. A cheater. He always will be, no matter what happens in his life.
I’d hate to see you make this commitment to him, trying to get him all to yourself when it just isn’t possible. He won’t change, no matter what you do. No matter what he says to you.

Questions
How could he be with her? She not physically attractive – sagging breasts, big stomach and just untoned all over (5’5 150 lbs?) – I take care of myself – she doesn’t know how to dress, not pretty much intelligent because of her playing petty games and has no decorum – speaking to someone in a towel at the door? She’s over 30 and still working at a pharmacy, owns no home or vehicle and just doesn’t seem to have a future. And if its about sex that’s stupid because we do everything. She seems a bit pushy and controlling. I once went through his mobile messages (don’t worry he goes through mine too but he didn’t know I went through his) and she left a very terse message ‘answer your phone’. I’ve never treated him badly, given him massages and everything. In fact I really loved my boyfriend and still do – I admit it. I’ve tried to build his confidence over the years and have helped him out and stayed through thick and thin. How could he even think that I was cheating?

He’s playing you, straight and simple. He feels more comfortable with her and that’s why she’s in his life.

If he’s with her why does he care about me wearing shorts at night or staying out too late, or about me moving to another apartment and finding a man there when he visits (he’s been stressing on that frequently).

He’s trying to own you, control you. That’s his real goal here. Force you to live your life according to his rules, but the same rules don’t apply to himself.

Why tell me you want me in your life, don’t want to hurt me, don’t want to lose me and that he holds me on a high pedestal?

Again, it’s his control over you that gives him satisfaction.

Why did he feel hurt when we broke up over this situation before?

Because he was losing the control he had over you.

Why is he worrying that if I leave him I’ll end up with some idiot (as if he isn’t) because he thinks I have a sweet personality?

To force you to think down to his level, scare you into believing that he is the best for you, when he knows it isn’t true.

Why is he so insecure and why cant he believe that not all women care about money and things or that I would leave him for a man with these things?

Because that is how he sees life. You’re his ticket out, but he doesn’t want to give up his own lifestyle of getting everything he wants.

Is there ever hope for cheaters (my aunt from personal experience and 36 years of marriage says once one always one).

No, he will always stray, wander, fool around. His rules apply only to him. He will accuse you of playing around only to avoid his own infidelities.

Why sleep with your cousin’s ex?

Availability. He’d sleep with anyone, any time, anywhere, as long as he can get away with it. Even ‘coming clean’ to you re-inforces the fact that he can cheat on you, apologize when found out, be forgiven, and do it again and again.

Does he see her as a mother figure or is he suffering from the madonna – whore syndrome?

He’s not suffering, he has no conscience as far as his own actions go.
There is no competition for this guy and the girl he’s messing around with. The rules don’t apply to everyone equally, they are stacked against you.

Move on, forget him.

Have a party and burn everything he ever gave you. Demand everything you gave him, take him to court if need be.
Move on.
Live life.
Don’t be too fast to get into another relationship, get single for a while and sort out your life before you get so morally confused that you lose touch with your own values and become the very person he’s trying to turn you into: a fast F–k whenever he wants, a “friend with benefits” and nothing else.

I hope that this helps you to make the next, right step, in your life.
Best wishes,
Rob.

She’s Almost Cheating With Me

Dear Rob,
Here’s the story:
I work with a woman, she is living with her boyfriend and has been with him for 4 years. She has one child from a prior marriage that lives with them. She has shown tremendous interest in me, and it almost got intimate, but we stopped before that happened.

We have always shared gifts at Christmas, etc. She knows I want her, but I have said the timing isn’t right because we can’t quit this job yet, until 2 years from now (big payout time). Then she could leave him financially and I could support her as well at that time.

She has never said she wants me, but has held my hand in the past, given me major signals as well. I asked her of she was single would she date me, she did say obviously.

In 2 years I will ask her to leave her boyfriend, but I don’t want to wait around to see if she will. Would you ask her point blank, are you ever going to leave your boyfriend? She may say she can’t predict the future. What would you do?
Ned

Hi Ned,
Honestly? What would I do?
I’d date someone else.

You’re putting your life on hold for a woman that really doesn’t feel much regret about almost carrying on an affair with someone, a woman that really can’t settle down, a woman that already has a record of sponging off men…
What do I think?

I’d head to the hills and not contact her anymore.

Look, if she can’t get her life together RIGHT NOW what do you really think will change in two years?
Two years while she’s sleeping with this boyfriend, knowing that she’s just using him and possibly waiting for you?

She really gives me the creeps.

Move on.
You deserve so much better.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Advice For The Other Woman

Dear Rob,
Okay, my boyfriend was married, YES, he had been faithful for 18 years. We “swept” each other off our feet. In one month we were living together, in one more, he had doubts and eventually decided he wanted his wife back. She didn’t want him. He moved out. We never stopped dating.

It is 13 months later. His divorce is final except for the 90 day waiting period.

We get along great. He is a wonderful man. He loves me. He just can’t seem to heal from the marriage breakup. He did go to a half dozen counseling sessions. He will not make plans with me further out than a month. He will not buy me little gifts, or say really special things to me.

He says he needs time.

I can’t believe how painful this is. I have been waiting 10 months now, and I want to wait longer because I love him so much. Am I crazy?

It is so illogical to me that he can’t move on and be with someone who is great for him.

We have tried multiple times to take breaks but he always calls me and I give in after 5-7 days.
Thank you,
Sally

Hi Sally,
While it’s not illogical for him to have a hard time moving on, I think that because of his recent actions, ending his marriage (whether by choice or because the wife didn’t want a cheating husband), filing and following through on the legal aspects of divorce and ultimately maintaining contact with you he shouldn’t be so confused as to where he heart lies.

Sadly, I feel that he is rediscovering himself right now, through this “finalization period” and he doesn’t feel that you’re the person to share his new life. He’s ‘rebounding’ from the excitement of the affair to the reality of being suddenly single and giving up all he had with his wife.

The excitement of the affair has turned into a crime with consequences. And he’d jump at the chance to reconcile with his wife.

You said that you’re tried to take “breaks” but then he calls you and you agree to see him, start dating, sleeping together, again. His uncertainty of his own future is driving your future into the ground!

He is using you while he goes through this “life transition”, a warm body to share his bed with when he feels the need.

It’s time to go beyond simple little breaks, it’s time to drop him like a hot potato before you get even more burned.

If you’re so great for him, he’d see it. He doesn’t.

He gives you no tokens of love and appreciation. He doesn’t whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Exactly what are you waiting for?

You’ve paid the price and he is who you got. And based on his actions, you’re not enough to hold his attention any longer.

Dump him. Let him grow up. Maybe in a few months you can get together again. But stop being his “warm body” while he decides where he wants to be. I really feel he doesn’t want to be with you.
And you could do so much better.
Best wishes,
Rob.