Category Archives: He Doesn’t Know I Love Him

He is getting what he wants, what about me?

hi, i hope this works!!

i was searching random things on the internet when i happened across your site and thought that maybe this would be a good oportunity to get some answers… i’m young, only 19 so i’ll understand if you think i’m taking this way too seriously; but i’m also renowned for being very mature for my age. i’ve had a tough life as short as it is so i don’t normally put up with this kind of thing; but i also tend to be the sort of person or forgets to take care of herself as she always puts others first. i think this is what this is, and this is getting far out of hand.

i met a guy through a friend 2 and a half years ago; there was one of those “instant connections” i guess people like to call them, but i was hard about it and firm that i wasn’t going to let anything happen. he was super sweet and shy, i was more outgoing and forthcoming. i say what i think, mean what i say, and can be a bitch if i need to get the point across. i didn’t want a relationship and without even thinking of what he wanted i shut him out. besides seeing each other at work we didn’t associate; but there was always a closeness between us that in most people seems to lead to something…. if you let it. about 6 months ago the same friend had a graduation party; and she invited the same guy. we met up and after not seeing each other for nearly a year we started talking immediately. i’m usually very guarded around people especially guys but with him it’s always been natural to be touchy and close which is how i think things started. after the party i went home, without him; i never asked for an email, a number, just like before i made it clear i wasn’t interested.

he pawned my number off a friend and started texting me the very next day. after that, it was texting, every 10 minutes, from the early morning till late at night, or calling for a quick chat (we didn’t live in the same town). we started meeting up at parties or get togethers with friends. at first it was just talking but like i said before; it was always very touchy and close. i guess if i was smart i would have stopped it but i wasn’t looking for a relationship; it was just fun. our friends started to notice the way we acted around each other; the next thing i knew people are asking if we’re going out. i said no, thinking i’d just got out of a bad relationship so a friend was all i saw in him. after another week he showed up at work with flowers. drove me home or to places i needed to go. we started talking about very personal things, both of us. how we went from 0 to 160 in just a few weeks i have no idea… but i decided to talk to him about what we wanted. we both agreed a relationship might not be the best thing at the time. we were happy with that. but things just got worse. when we moved to the same city to start college we started seeing each other even more frequently. that same month we ended up sleeping together several times. again, driving me places, to and from school, buying me lunch… bringing me roses just because he “knew i liked them.” when i asked him if he wanted a relationship he again said no. by this time i was so confused i didn’t know what to think. he claims he has no feelings for me but i don’t know whether or not to believe him anymore. i guess we’re FWB; but i was always under the impression that FWB was no emotion. if that’s the case why does he kiss my forehead or hold my hand walking down the street? why did he sneak up behind me in the mall just yesterday when i was walking with my ENTIRE family, just to hug me and say hi? why did lastnight when he came over, he didn’t correct my older cousin (who rents with me) when she asked if we were still dating? then only 10 minutes after that crawl into my bed for the whole “benefits” thing? i don’t get it, why would he let my cousin believe that we are dating if to me he’s firm that we are only FWB? everyone laughs when we say we’re FWB. no one believes it. i don’t know if i do anymore either. i did before; i was fine with it, honestly; i mean i care about him but the fact that he was seeing other people (or at least i’m assuming he is i have no proof) never bothered me. as long as he was being safe it didn’t concern me. now i just want to know. i’ve asked but the answer is always the same. i don’t know what to think about his body language or the way he acts around me. i push him away and he pulls me back. i try to get the facts straight and he fights to keep them muddled. is he confused? or am i just a stupid fool being played for my body?

he’s had a lot of bad things happen; including bad relationships. up until now i’ve been letting that be the excuse for his odd behaviour. all i ever really think i wanted from this, was to help him figure things out. now maybe i’m realizing i’m making them worse? i tried breaking it off 2 weeks ago; he got so depressed he skipped 3 days of school. we made up, and since then he’s been beyond happy. i want him to be happy. but at the same time i want to know i’m doing the right thing. i don’t know if this is helping or hurting him. maybe even holding him back…. i don’t know guys i don’t even pretend to. that’s why i need your help? i’ve asked everyone i know if this is normal and everyone seems just as confused as i am. i’ve wondered if maybe i should just take the reigns and drop him again and just ignore the fact that it hurts him 🙁 or should i try to go back to the friends? just friends, no benefits, no touching, just friends? please help, because this is driving me to the end of my rope! there has to be something i can say or do to sort this all out….? hope to hear from you soon… sincerely, “a girl going mad”

Hi Girl Going Mad,
Sadly, in a few hundred words you’ve written the manual of how a guy can start a “friends with benefits” arrangement with a girl.
A little sweet talk, taking up all of her time with email, phone calls, texting, etc. Unexpected gifts and unexpected appearances round up how to hold her attention all the while saying you aren’t dating, there is no relationship, but thanks for the sex anyways.

And yes, likely he’s seeing other girls, or setting up his next FWB at the very least.

You need to do this immediately (or as soon as possible today!):
-Talk face-to-face with him and say “If you’re not going to give me a promise ring and start telling people we are “seriously” dating then I don’t want to see you again.

You have to be tough. He’s using you and telling you that he’s using you but you hold onto the hope that he will decide to be your boyfriend, all the while life is passing you by. He owes you either a future or a very big explanation.

You’ve wasted far too much time on this guy to have no “benefits” yourself and sex is not a benefit for you, it’s something you’re giving him for free.
Ugh.

I recommend being done with him, set him free and don’t look back. You’ve created a relationship that is not a relationship and you need to walk away from this now.

Email me and let me know what happens, at least I care what happens next and will listen to you.

Best wishes,
Rob

Friends With Benefits or Dating, which is it?

Hi, Rob
My name is Sally from Philadelphia and i am 30 years old and i came across your website and i really enjoyed the advice you gave some of the people on there.

I need some advice on this guy i met online in April 17th of this year. He is a 34 year old who lives in Atlantic city New jersey and lives with his father. He goes to church often. He does have a 4 year old son who lives the mother.

Our conversations were good. We hit it off well. He was calling me 3 to 4 times a day. I started doing the same because i thought that’s what he wanted. He would often say when we have kids together and get married. We also talked about me being the one. He was the one who said all this stuff early in the dating period. He would always call me and ask me how my day went, or did i eat yet, or did i get any rest. We often talked about his family and i talked about mine.

When he first came to see me it was in the last week of April. when he got to my house i let this man kiss me and touch me in places i don’t care to explain, but you know what i mean.

This outing i am going to talk about i initiated it. The next week was his birthday May 4th he came to pick me up. He met my mother that same day. We went out to dinner and a movie and then he drove me back home. All together we went out on four outings together.

However, the first time i had sex with this man was 2 weeks after meeting him, which i know was stupid.

During this time he came to my house two times to see me and we had sex both times.

I went to visit him in jersey and i thought it was only fair to go visit him in jersey because he came to see me. Because he often talked about making a sacrifice in a relationship. But he didn’t invited me i invited myself to go see him.

It is now a month, May 31st memorial day was the last time we saw each other. When i arrived in jersey he took me to is house, his father happen to be sitting down stairs. He introduced me as his friend Sally.

He then took me and showed me his family pics of his mother who passed away and his brother and sisters photos.

He then took me and showed me around his neighborhood and should me where his brothers and sister lives. they all live pretty close in his neighborhood in jersey. We then headed off to the movies which was great. we laughed, kissed, touched each other and held hand so tight like we always do. We have so much chemistry. We went out to dinner after the movie and he took me to a motel room and we had sex. He said he couldn’t have sex in his father’s house. He also received 2 texts in the movies and 1 at 10:00pm right before we had sex. (this has been on my mind for the past few days now). The next morning he drove me back home and there was dead silence in the car. He didn’t even say Good morning to me. This is one of the things in the beginning he would always call or text to ask. How was my morning or how was my day going so far… that all has completely stopped.

It is now June 4th and he has not call me yet. I haven’t called either. I saw him online though on June 3rd because i am on his facebook page which is making it harder to not see him at all. I ask him why he hasn’t call me yet when he said June 1st he would and never called that day. He replied “LMBO” I Knew that was coming”. I then said “what did it slip your mind”. He then said “it is a possibility”. I then said you said Tuesday you would call me and never did. He replied “I did day that didn’t i”. I then told him to enjoy his game, which was so stupid of me. It’s like he doesn’t care.

The baddest part about this whole thing is i am not even his girlfriend, he hints from time to time we are a couple, but never came out and say i want you to be my girlfriend. However i did ask him early on about changing our facebook status he said we haven’t talked about it and he has a little bit more people than me to tell if he did change it.

My questions to you is

1. Was he just telling me things he taught i wanted to hear to
2. Do you think i gave him sex too fast?
3.. Why would he continue to date me even after he got sex?
4.Why would he show me family pics, take me to his church and play his guitar for me ( i did ask him in the beginning of the dating period to play for me sometime) and show where his family lives.
5.Why would he take me out in public hold hands if not interested?
6. Is there any chance of a long-term relationship or is it doomed for us?
7.Is there someone else?
Should i move on?

My mother keeps telling me he will call, give it some time she says, because she likes him a lot, but deep down why do i feel it in my gut and it’s a weird feeling and i know he won’t call. I have been crying for 3 days straight now. I just need some sound advice.
Thanks.

Hi Sally,
This guy has real connection issues and believes that dating is sex, so when it’s over it’s like turning a page, looking for a new story to appear instead of a continuation of the same story.

Weird, right?

You need answers and he gives you lies and “later we’ll talk about it”. Which is an answer in itself, just not the type of answer you expect or are prepared for.

Ignore his emails, ignore his texts, when he calls, if he ever does, tell him to meet you at a specific place, at a specific time and tell him to bring his wallet, he’s buying dinner.

If he falters, then he’s not interested enough to continue this relationship unless it’s free sex included… geesh, you’ll be doing it in the back seat of his car if he can’t find a cheap enough motel… ugh.

Pull yourself back to reality and wish for the best but plan for the worst.

Email me any time,
Best wishes,
Rob

**** Continued ****

Dear Rob,
Well it’s too late he took me to a cheap motel room on the 31st of may and we had sex. On the way back home in the car the next morning was dead silence. I knew something wasn’t right. He took me to work that same morning because i asked him too he said yes. I ask him for a kiss and he kissed me back and said i’ll call you later. It has been 1 week no call. I did however confront him on facebook Thursday June 3rd 2010 about why he didn’t call when he said he would his answers were very short and he even laughed and said i knew that was coming. At the end of the conversation i told him to enjoy his basketball game. I haven’t call since and i don’t plan on it.

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Thanks.

Dear Sally,
Sorry to hear what has transpired since your email.
To answer your questions:

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
No confrontation online, you need to talk like adults.

2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
Remove him, see if he cares about it or not. Likely he won’t care and will finally feel free of you, as if you’re breaking up with him first.

3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
He wanted to sleep wit you, no other answer needed. BUT you did allow it to happen, so you need to ask yourself why are you having sex with him? Do you really think that’s how you get a boyfriend? By offering him a booty call?

4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Yes, move on, hard life lesson learned.

From this point forward you should consider yourself single and don’t put out within the first 6 months of dating.
If a guy is serious, he’ll wait, if he doesn’t, well you were just being used in the first place…

Best wishes,
Rob

How did he get over me so quickly?

Dear Rob,
Met a guy in NYC on a flight from Europe to LA… he came up to me, nice, tall, handsome. It was the most intense, most attractive I’ve ever felt with someone so soon.

Anyhow, we talked for hours and hours and I just felt like “wow, this guy is too good to be true”. Anyhow, we kissed and stuff and he got my info etc. We primarily texted the next few months, he called only 2x and I thought that was a bit strange, but I went with it. And while I was dating other guys, he was the one for me, but I played it cool. So he flew me out there in Nov… I stayed in a hotel since I wanted to send the message that there would be no sex that soon… even though all my guy friends thought it was weird.

So we had a fabulous time, the first night I crashed at his place but we didn’t “sleep together”. He’s kind of a weird guy in that everything was going great until that morning when we were going to meet his friends and sister (which was interesting), he asked if he should bring a camera and I said no. He sort of got weird, think he doesn’t like women with strong opinions. Anyhow, everything went well … meeting the friends, sister… went back to his place to play chess and watch TV and I was super tired so I wanted to take a nap. I was going to go back to my hotel room but he convinced me to nap at his place and we did and then of course, he tried again and I stopped it sort of early on again. Like really early on. I think that was it because after that he was completely “checked out”. Went to dinner, everything was okay and then when we were close to his place he told me to either go back to my hotel or go to his place and “just cuddle”… it was my choice.

Obviously he was annoyed. Annoyed that he was annoyed and cold, I hopped in a taxi and then changed my mind (like an idiot) and came back to his place with him. He immediately went to bed and was totally ignoring me… then we sort of got into it and he sat on the edge of the bed for 5min not saying a word and then calmly asked me to leave. I got dressed, left and then (AGAIN!) came back (we had a few glasses of wine, but still)… ugh. He didn’t walk me out and the next time I came back he was in the lobby… I was so NOT MYSELF in that I probably looked so pathetic. Anyhow, he asked me if I was drunk and that I was acting crazy and dismissive and to just go back and he would call me the next day. He never called and I sent a text saying I should have communicated things (not sleeping with him, etc) and thanks for everything. He replied “it was nice while it lasted, have a nice trip”.

Then a few wks later, I sent an email just sort of explaining things, and he responded, but letting it go. I know I sound desperate and pathetic, but I really had hopes for this one. We “clicked” and I hate that a bad turn of a few events led to the demise of the relationship. He probably thinks I’m pathetic and a tease… and it’s been a few months and I’m STILL hung up and feeling badly for how stupid the whole thing was.

So my question to you is this… should I send him a final email sort of saying I wouldn’t mind giving it another shot if he doesn’t, or what? Every other guy just doesn’t measure up and I feel so horrible about the fact that I wasn’t even acting like myself… more like me reacting to his sudden coldness. But if I didn’t go back and forth like an idiot, we may still be together. I don’t know, why can’t I let this go? And should I send him an email as an “olive branch”? Not sure who’s at fault here or if a guy could just “be over” it so quickly.

Thanks for any advice!

Hi,
Let him go, you had a great opening conversation but when life came together you were really just two completely different people that shared a “moment”, just as you said.

Don’t drag this out, he’s not concerned with you as much as you “want” to be in love with him.

I urge you to not continue contacting him because this will just not do any good.

If you have to work so hard to change his mind about you and how much harder would you have to work to continue a relationship?

Do you see how uneven and lop-sided the offering of mutual love will be?

Best wishes,
Rob

He Doesn’t Know I Love Him

Dear Rob,

I have a long term friend. We fancied each other, said we had feelings, but nothing ever came of it. I am insecure & he is a flirt, so we had lots of fights & the friendship has taken time to come back.

The other night we are at a work do. We barely say hello or look at each other, he is with lots of women, one in particular who adores him is all over him. We exchange a few words at the end of the night, she drags him out to dance, gets a bit heavy. So I go to get a taxi. Minutes later he is outside & says he is getting a taxi, then walks off.

Next day he comes up to me, we talk about the night, he stands very close, seems emotional, then we are interrupted by another friend and he gets annoyed at the interupt. He keeps coming back over & is all friendly and nervous bt I dunno if he felt sorry for me or if it was interest.

He is equally attentive & gentle later on, which he hasnt been for over a year.

Next day, he flirts with her again while I am sitting nearby. Today, as I am talking to him, she passes & he is all friendly to her. I walk off & when I meet him again he looks at me and smiles but when I drop my head he goes cold again. Today he was less affectionate.Yesterday it was like he was almost panicking.

I don’t know what to do. I love him still. I can’t be his friend & be OK about him being with other women. Does he have any clue how I feel do you think? And why the nice one day, back to friends the next?

He was so close to me the day after the night out that the guy who interupted thought it was suspicious and actually stood next to me even though he was not welcome.

Is this guy actually so cruel (I find it hard to believe cause he is a nice guy in general) that he would just not care how I feel? Does he not know how I feel? Or is he trying to provoke me into some kind of action?

Bear in mind all this is going on and we barely speak to one another. We are just work colleagues with a history of what was once a deep friendship.We have never slept together. I know that he genuinely cared for me in the past. I will not show emotion though or give him attention & this was what drove us apart in the beginning. He tends to go for women who show obvious like for him.

Please help me Rob.

Hi,

Guy’s don’t know what isn’t told to them.

He’s a flirt because he thrives on attention and he puts in it your face to say “that if you’re not interested then so what, there’s other girls”.

I see a lot of conflict if the two of you were to start dating because of the conflict of personalities. You look for comfort and he looks for approval, not a good mix.

You say you love him but all this is unstated?
You are in a fantasy that has to end, here and now. Unless you can live with picking up his dirty socks every night.
Good luck!
Rob.