Category Archives: Friends With Benefits

Advice for people in “friends with benefits” relationships.

He is getting what he wants, what about me?

hi, i hope this works!!

i was searching random things on the internet when i happened across your site and thought that maybe this would be a good oportunity to get some answers… i’m young, only 19 so i’ll understand if you think i’m taking this way too seriously; but i’m also renowned for being very mature for my age. i’ve had a tough life as short as it is so i don’t normally put up with this kind of thing; but i also tend to be the sort of person or forgets to take care of herself as she always puts others first. i think this is what this is, and this is getting far out of hand.

i met a guy through a friend 2 and a half years ago; there was one of those “instant connections” i guess people like to call them, but i was hard about it and firm that i wasn’t going to let anything happen. he was super sweet and shy, i was more outgoing and forthcoming. i say what i think, mean what i say, and can be a bitch if i need to get the point across. i didn’t want a relationship and without even thinking of what he wanted i shut him out. besides seeing each other at work we didn’t associate; but there was always a closeness between us that in most people seems to lead to something…. if you let it. about 6 months ago the same friend had a graduation party; and she invited the same guy. we met up and after not seeing each other for nearly a year we started talking immediately. i’m usually very guarded around people especially guys but with him it’s always been natural to be touchy and close which is how i think things started. after the party i went home, without him; i never asked for an email, a number, just like before i made it clear i wasn’t interested.

he pawned my number off a friend and started texting me the very next day. after that, it was texting, every 10 minutes, from the early morning till late at night, or calling for a quick chat (we didn’t live in the same town). we started meeting up at parties or get togethers with friends. at first it was just talking but like i said before; it was always very touchy and close. i guess if i was smart i would have stopped it but i wasn’t looking for a relationship; it was just fun. our friends started to notice the way we acted around each other; the next thing i knew people are asking if we’re going out. i said no, thinking i’d just got out of a bad relationship so a friend was all i saw in him. after another week he showed up at work with flowers. drove me home or to places i needed to go. we started talking about very personal things, both of us. how we went from 0 to 160 in just a few weeks i have no idea… but i decided to talk to him about what we wanted. we both agreed a relationship might not be the best thing at the time. we were happy with that. but things just got worse. when we moved to the same city to start college we started seeing each other even more frequently. that same month we ended up sleeping together several times. again, driving me places, to and from school, buying me lunch… bringing me roses just because he “knew i liked them.” when i asked him if he wanted a relationship he again said no. by this time i was so confused i didn’t know what to think. he claims he has no feelings for me but i don’t know whether or not to believe him anymore. i guess we’re FWB; but i was always under the impression that FWB was no emotion. if that’s the case why does he kiss my forehead or hold my hand walking down the street? why did he sneak up behind me in the mall just yesterday when i was walking with my ENTIRE family, just to hug me and say hi? why did lastnight when he came over, he didn’t correct my older cousin (who rents with me) when she asked if we were still dating? then only 10 minutes after that crawl into my bed for the whole “benefits” thing? i don’t get it, why would he let my cousin believe that we are dating if to me he’s firm that we are only FWB? everyone laughs when we say we’re FWB. no one believes it. i don’t know if i do anymore either. i did before; i was fine with it, honestly; i mean i care about him but the fact that he was seeing other people (or at least i’m assuming he is i have no proof) never bothered me. as long as he was being safe it didn’t concern me. now i just want to know. i’ve asked but the answer is always the same. i don’t know what to think about his body language or the way he acts around me. i push him away and he pulls me back. i try to get the facts straight and he fights to keep them muddled. is he confused? or am i just a stupid fool being played for my body?

he’s had a lot of bad things happen; including bad relationships. up until now i’ve been letting that be the excuse for his odd behaviour. all i ever really think i wanted from this, was to help him figure things out. now maybe i’m realizing i’m making them worse? i tried breaking it off 2 weeks ago; he got so depressed he skipped 3 days of school. we made up, and since then he’s been beyond happy. i want him to be happy. but at the same time i want to know i’m doing the right thing. i don’t know if this is helping or hurting him. maybe even holding him back…. i don’t know guys i don’t even pretend to. that’s why i need your help? i’ve asked everyone i know if this is normal and everyone seems just as confused as i am. i’ve wondered if maybe i should just take the reigns and drop him again and just ignore the fact that it hurts him 🙁 or should i try to go back to the friends? just friends, no benefits, no touching, just friends? please help, because this is driving me to the end of my rope! there has to be something i can say or do to sort this all out….? hope to hear from you soon… sincerely, “a girl going mad”

Hi Girl Going Mad,
Sadly, in a few hundred words you’ve written the manual of how a guy can start a “friends with benefits” arrangement with a girl.
A little sweet talk, taking up all of her time with email, phone calls, texting, etc. Unexpected gifts and unexpected appearances round up how to hold her attention all the while saying you aren’t dating, there is no relationship, but thanks for the sex anyways.

And yes, likely he’s seeing other girls, or setting up his next FWB at the very least.

You need to do this immediately (or as soon as possible today!):
-Talk face-to-face with him and say “If you’re not going to give me a promise ring and start telling people we are “seriously” dating then I don’t want to see you again.

You have to be tough. He’s using you and telling you that he’s using you but you hold onto the hope that he will decide to be your boyfriend, all the while life is passing you by. He owes you either a future or a very big explanation.

You’ve wasted far too much time on this guy to have no “benefits” yourself and sex is not a benefit for you, it’s something you’re giving him for free.
Ugh.

I recommend being done with him, set him free and don’t look back. You’ve created a relationship that is not a relationship and you need to walk away from this now.

Email me and let me know what happens, at least I care what happens next and will listen to you.

Best wishes,
Rob

Will FWB become her stalker?

Dear Rob,
So I met a guy in Las Vegas, again he is way older than me. We tried hanging out late in Vegas, yet the people I went with did not allow me too since I was too drunk. So basically I stood him up, I thought he was not going to talk to me, but he still did.

I found out we lived in the same state, so we hung out had a great night clubbing and a nice setion in his car, yet no kissing. Well not in my part but he was kissing me in my forehead and just staring at me. Then we decided that every Thursday would be our day. Since we are really busy people working and all, I let him know my life and my social life came first than him. He also, thought the same he has boys’ night out and all.

So every Thursday it’s a movie or just his house and it always leads to sex. But he always snuggles and hugs me and kisses me something I try not to do.

He also picks me up all the time and tries to spend as much time with me even though he has to work early in the morning the next day. Due to the fact that he is always kissing me and holding my hand he even likes to take pictures of me wit my clothe and says I look sexy.

I’m still trying to identify what I am to him or if he wants more.

Once again we talk about our daily lives work and family. We also, talk about our past yet I’m still insecure on what he wants because if he does not have any feelings towards me then why does he act like that.

Also, we only txt each other he called once that he knew I was going on a date and wanted to know what I would wear which I just ignored. So I’m not sure if he just sees me as a FWB because due to his actions I grabbed some feeling towards him. So please let me know thank you. What should I do?
Should I talk to him? Let him know how I feel?

Thank you for reading this.
Suzie

Hi Suzie,
Yes, you are getting exactly what you want, sex.

Why all the bother with him when it’s obvious that you don’t care that much for him and even hate yourself a little bit to allow yourself to be used like this.

Stop the picture taking (clothes on or off!), stop everything.

He’ll become your very own stalker, mark my words.

Give yourself some space to decide what you really want in a guy. This one is not it.

Best wishes,
Rob

Friends With Benefits or Dating, which is it?

Hi, Rob
My name is Sally from Philadelphia and i am 30 years old and i came across your website and i really enjoyed the advice you gave some of the people on there.

I need some advice on this guy i met online in April 17th of this year. He is a 34 year old who lives in Atlantic city New jersey and lives with his father. He goes to church often. He does have a 4 year old son who lives the mother.

Our conversations were good. We hit it off well. He was calling me 3 to 4 times a day. I started doing the same because i thought that’s what he wanted. He would often say when we have kids together and get married. We also talked about me being the one. He was the one who said all this stuff early in the dating period. He would always call me and ask me how my day went, or did i eat yet, or did i get any rest. We often talked about his family and i talked about mine.

When he first came to see me it was in the last week of April. when he got to my house i let this man kiss me and touch me in places i don’t care to explain, but you know what i mean.

This outing i am going to talk about i initiated it. The next week was his birthday May 4th he came to pick me up. He met my mother that same day. We went out to dinner and a movie and then he drove me back home. All together we went out on four outings together.

However, the first time i had sex with this man was 2 weeks after meeting him, which i know was stupid.

During this time he came to my house two times to see me and we had sex both times.

I went to visit him in jersey and i thought it was only fair to go visit him in jersey because he came to see me. Because he often talked about making a sacrifice in a relationship. But he didn’t invited me i invited myself to go see him.

It is now a month, May 31st memorial day was the last time we saw each other. When i arrived in jersey he took me to is house, his father happen to be sitting down stairs. He introduced me as his friend Sally.

He then took me and showed me his family pics of his mother who passed away and his brother and sisters photos.

He then took me and showed me around his neighborhood and should me where his brothers and sister lives. they all live pretty close in his neighborhood in jersey. We then headed off to the movies which was great. we laughed, kissed, touched each other and held hand so tight like we always do. We have so much chemistry. We went out to dinner after the movie and he took me to a motel room and we had sex. He said he couldn’t have sex in his father’s house. He also received 2 texts in the movies and 1 at 10:00pm right before we had sex. (this has been on my mind for the past few days now). The next morning he drove me back home and there was dead silence in the car. He didn’t even say Good morning to me. This is one of the things in the beginning he would always call or text to ask. How was my morning or how was my day going so far… that all has completely stopped.

It is now June 4th and he has not call me yet. I haven’t called either. I saw him online though on June 3rd because i am on his facebook page which is making it harder to not see him at all. I ask him why he hasn’t call me yet when he said June 1st he would and never called that day. He replied “LMBO” I Knew that was coming”. I then said “what did it slip your mind”. He then said “it is a possibility”. I then said you said Tuesday you would call me and never did. He replied “I did day that didn’t i”. I then told him to enjoy his game, which was so stupid of me. It’s like he doesn’t care.

The baddest part about this whole thing is i am not even his girlfriend, he hints from time to time we are a couple, but never came out and say i want you to be my girlfriend. However i did ask him early on about changing our facebook status he said we haven’t talked about it and he has a little bit more people than me to tell if he did change it.

My questions to you is

1. Was he just telling me things he taught i wanted to hear to
2. Do you think i gave him sex too fast?
3.. Why would he continue to date me even after he got sex?
4.Why would he show me family pics, take me to his church and play his guitar for me ( i did ask him in the beginning of the dating period to play for me sometime) and show where his family lives.
5.Why would he take me out in public hold hands if not interested?
6. Is there any chance of a long-term relationship or is it doomed for us?
7.Is there someone else?
Should i move on?

My mother keeps telling me he will call, give it some time she says, because she likes him a lot, but deep down why do i feel it in my gut and it’s a weird feeling and i know he won’t call. I have been crying for 3 days straight now. I just need some sound advice.
Thanks.

Hi Sally,
This guy has real connection issues and believes that dating is sex, so when it’s over it’s like turning a page, looking for a new story to appear instead of a continuation of the same story.

Weird, right?

You need answers and he gives you lies and “later we’ll talk about it”. Which is an answer in itself, just not the type of answer you expect or are prepared for.

Ignore his emails, ignore his texts, when he calls, if he ever does, tell him to meet you at a specific place, at a specific time and tell him to bring his wallet, he’s buying dinner.

If he falters, then he’s not interested enough to continue this relationship unless it’s free sex included… geesh, you’ll be doing it in the back seat of his car if he can’t find a cheap enough motel… ugh.

Pull yourself back to reality and wish for the best but plan for the worst.

Email me any time,
Best wishes,
Rob

**** Continued ****

Dear Rob,
Well it’s too late he took me to a cheap motel room on the 31st of may and we had sex. On the way back home in the car the next morning was dead silence. I knew something wasn’t right. He took me to work that same morning because i asked him too he said yes. I ask him for a kiss and he kissed me back and said i’ll call you later. It has been 1 week no call. I did however confront him on facebook Thursday June 3rd 2010 about why he didn’t call when he said he would his answers were very short and he even laughed and said i knew that was coming. At the end of the conversation i told him to enjoy his basketball game. I haven’t call since and i don’t plan on it.

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Thanks.

Dear Sally,
Sorry to hear what has transpired since your email.
To answer your questions:

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
No confrontation online, you need to talk like adults.

2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
Remove him, see if he cares about it or not. Likely he won’t care and will finally feel free of you, as if you’re breaking up with him first.

3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
He wanted to sleep wit you, no other answer needed. BUT you did allow it to happen, so you need to ask yourself why are you having sex with him? Do you really think that’s how you get a boyfriend? By offering him a booty call?

4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Yes, move on, hard life lesson learned.

From this point forward you should consider yourself single and don’t put out within the first 6 months of dating.
If a guy is serious, he’ll wait, if he doesn’t, well you were just being used in the first place…

Best wishes,
Rob

FWB and Home Cooked meals

Hi Rob!
I found your email on the advicegeneral.com website and really like the way you give advice to so many women. Is it possible that you can offer me your advice as well? If so, this is my situation:

I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months now, but started to sleep with him around the 2nd-3rd month. I then asked him what we were and he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship so we’re practically fwb (friends with benefits). I continued to see him (with the sex), but after a month I started to feel weird and told him that I couldn’t do the fwb thing unless we were in a relationship. He said he was ok with being friends with no sex and still wanted to keep in touch.

But after a few days, he called and we ended up hooking up again. But lately he’s been acting really sweet to me, bringing me homecooked meals and acting well-mannered towards me (helped me shop for school supplies, I’m 32 and in college). But he still only contacts me every 2-3 days and we usually end up having sex after eating dinner or hanging out (lately I’ve been buying dinner since he’s very short on money). But last night, I called him and asked to go see him. We hung out at his friend’s house and then afterwards, he said he had to go home because he had to wake up early to work with his dad. This time, he didn’t ask me for any kind of sex.

After a few days, feeling confused again, I hung out with him and told him that I really can’t sleep with him unless we were in a relationship, and then he agreed that we shouldn’t sleep together because he said he didn’t want me to get too attached. He also said that he really can’t have a relationship because he still needs to straighten out his life (he’s 22, out of work, dragging along in college and lives in a 2-bedroom house with his dad and 7 siblings).

But then later on that night, we ended up in bed again. I feel bad now. But I really don’t know how he feels about me. It’s as if he cares but doesn’t.

I don’t even know if he really considers me as a friend. Does this mean he likes me for more than a fwb? Please help. I like this guy alot! I also feel so empty now. I’ve tried to ignore him, but it’s too hard because I really like him and treasure our friendship that we’ve built (at least from my perspective).

Thank you. I hope you can help me with this situation. Your advice is so greatly appreciated!
Sincerely,
Shirley

Hi Shirley,
It’s time to break things off, now!

He has said numerous times that he doesn’t want a girlfriend (or at least you as a girlfriend) and that he just wants sex.

Enticements of food and other goodies just makes it easier for him to have sex with you, he’s less guilty and get what he wants.

You get nothing, really.

Break it off and work on your self-esteem and read books to have a better understanding of men.

You can move to a better, more positive place, but only of you’re out of the place you’re in now!
Best wishes,
Rob

The Classic Ignoring Game

Hi Rob,
Recently me and my ex-boyfriend have been talking to each other again and doing some casual flirting.

Our first break-up was not very good (I broke up with him) but somehow we were able to pull our friendship back up, we were really close friends before we started dating. Over the summer we thought about getting back together but for some reason it didn’t feel right to me (chemistry?).

We had gone to the movies over the summer and it ended with a kiss and even though he sort of asked me out (he mentioned the fact that he felt it was implied over the internet that night on IM, I begged to differ) I didn’t go back out with him. Nevertheless after a really big fight, and a rough patch we were able to casually talk again.

In October when we had no school he came over to watch a movie and we ended up making out. It didn’t go any further than that and he was still extremely sweet.

He joked around a lot with me, spun me around in circles in my room and even gave me a piggy back ride downstairs. Now he isn’t the football type guy who gets all the girls and does the one-night stands. In fact I’ve been his only girlfriend, and he’s generally speaking a really sweet guy, although I know that he has a tendency to emotionally shut-down sometimes.

Anyways we talked a little bit after October, nothing too serious, and then we started talking a lot in January.

There would be some nights where even though it was a school night we’d talk till 2am or 3am in the morning. In one of these late night conversations he said that he was still very much attracted to me but wanted to try branching out a little (dating other people). After one of our really late night conversations we decided to keep texting during school and then later that evening he just stopped talking to me. Now he’s ignoring me. He helped me a little bit with an internship application but then after the application was done he stopped talking to me again.

My sweet 16 is in a month and I asked him for his address to mail the invitation letting him know that of course he didn’t have to give it to me if he didn’t want to come, but he still gave me his address even though he decided not to continue the conversation past that.

In the midst of all this ignoring, I’ve been subconsciously thinking about him more leading to point where *I* actually like him, but he’s still ignoring me – holding all the cards almost. Any advice? I feel like I’m getting mixed signals from him and so I don’t exactly know what to do even though I would really like to go back out with him. Please help.
Thanks Rob.

Hi,
Sorry to say but you’re only the “last boat in the harbor” as far as he goes.
When a guy says “I want to branch out and date other people” he really means is that as long as you’re available he will make out with you, and maybe look for more, but you’re only ever going to be a friend with benefits.

His ignoring you is the biggest sign that he only wants you when he wants you, nothing more.

Stop expecting him to change and you’ll get over him. Find another boy, I bet you have plenty of choices if you only look around, or enjoy your ‘singledom’.

I hope this helps,
Rob