Category Archives: Friends With Benefits

Advice for people in “friends with benefits” relationships.

Breakup and Sex: A Long Distance Story

Dear Rob,
Hi. I am very confused right now.

I was dating this new guy for a couple months and things were going good, but a few months ago I broke up with him because I had moved out of town & the long distance wasn’t working for me. Although my ex later tells me that the breakup was a total surprise to him because he thought everything was going really good. He even said that he could have loved me.

I still see him and hang out with him & his family whenever im in town and whenever we’re with each other, it’s like we never broke up. We still sit next to each other, snuggle up under the blanket together & even still have sex.

I have been very devastated with my breaking off the relationship & i’ve been wanting to get back together with him. He always says he still cares about me & he always takes care of me when I need him.

He even let me stay with him & his family when I got kicked out of my parents house.

I have been wondering if maybe he wanted me back to so I asked him what he thought of us and our relationship but unfortunately he replied saying that he needed to tell me before I got to thinking something.

That what has been going on with us is just fun and that he doesn’t want me letting myself get hurt.

I asked why he didn’t want to be with me again thinking maybe it was because he was afraid of me leaving him again, but he said that he was single and that he wanted to stay single.

I am now so confused of what he wants from me and what I should do. I would greatly appreciate your advice!
Sincerely,
A Confused Woman

Hi Confused,
Break off with him completely and do it now.

You’re just “fun and sex” now that you’re not 100% available because of the distance involved.
You will not have a relationship that works because he cannot commit to you.

End things now and stay away from him. He has said the truth, he wants to stay single and that does not put you into the picture of the life he wants for himself.

If he calls, then tell him what I said (tell him you read a similar situation online). He will either explain or say it’s the truth. Then you will have your answer from him.

Best wishes,
Rob

Am I Only His Booty Call Now?

Hi Rob,
I absolutley love your website and now that I have gotten myself into a confusing situation I thought I could most definately use your advice.

Well I met a guy about a year ago and we started dating after a while within a couple months I knew I was head over heals in love.

Which is completely out of my charactar, I don’t fall easy, I don’t give in easy.

Anyways I broke up with him after discovering that he was talking to another girl he says no cheating occured but I will never know exactly what happen.

After being without him for a while I started to miss him terribly and I have tried cutting off contact but it feels impossible.

We talked and he doesn’t want to get back together because he says love came to quick for him and he doesn’t want to get hurt or hurt me. I do not know whether that is the coward way of telling me he doesn’t want to be with me or if that is true. I don’t understand…

He texts saying he misses me, I can’t go more than 3 days without recieving some sort of text or phone call so I know I’m on his mind… Could this be a case of him wanting what he can’t have? Could it be a game?

As soon as I have my mind set on moving on and not speaking to him he does something that ruins my intentions. He talks about getting together later on but I don’t understand why not now.

And now I have become the ex girlfriend that sleeps with her ex which I DESPISE I never wanted to be a friends with benefits, I don’t need that but I can’t seem to make that clear.

I know most people would say hes using me or I have become his “booty call” and all that noise, but it just doesn’t feel that way; he’s my bestfriend when we’re together we laugh non stop, and even though we are broken up it doesn’t feel any different.

I thought that maybe if I stop sleeping with him and ignore him he will want me back since you always seem to want what you can’t have, and that maybe I need to give him time to miss me.

After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I haven’t been able to do so. What should I do? And from your perspective what is his agenda? Thankyou for listening, and for your advice…
Sincerely,
Paulette

Dear Paulette,
There are two things in your future:
1. You stop sleeping with him, and since you’re really not in an emotional or romantic relationship, that’s the last you will see of him
2. He will keep you FWB’ing him until someone with more potential comes along.

You can NEVER jumpstart an old relationship with sex. Doesn’t happen, never did, never will.

“He talk about getting together later on” is code for “what you have right now doesn’t count but maybe in the future, if I really run out of options, or lose my job and need you to support me, then we can start telling people we’re ‘hanging out together'” which, of course, none of your friends know about your secret, right?

The only thing absence will give you here, honey, is the opportunity to turn your life around, and fast. And you’re life doesn’t involves him, not on this planet, not this world.

You want to test him? Tell him you want a summer wedding and a honeymoon in France “when the time is right”.

The next sentence you hear from him will be “I don’t think we’re there yet” or some other nonsense.
Then:
– Tell him to leave, immediately.
– Pack up whatever stuff he left behind, throw it all in a box or garbage bag. Leave him a voice mail that all his stuff is on the curb, waiting for him, “And that is the last time I want your shadow on my part of the city!”

Of course I could be wrong, but my track record so far has been quite good.
Best wishes,
Rob

How And Why To Drop A Player

Dear Rob,
I have an issue with a past relationship gone wrong and don’t know what to do about it.

Anyway, my story starts when about half a year ago I met a really cute guy who I’ll call “CG”.

We go to different highschools so one day, I went on his bus because my friend and I were going shopping around where he lives.

As soon as I got on the bus I caught his eye and thought he was cute but told myself that I would never be able to get him. He was sitting with his ex-girlfriend and they were listening to his ipod, and because he put it really loud I could hear the song.

At the time I was absolutely in love with that song so I had put it on my phone as my ringtone, and I played it really loud making sure that he would be able to hear it.

He turned around and asked me about the song and then he introduced himself to me.

Then my friend and I arrived at our destination so we got off the bus, and I didn’t turn back to look at him, thinking that I wouldn’t ever talk to him again.

But then, later on that night I went on Facebook and he had added me as a friend, even though I had never told him my name.

We started talking and he told me that he asked around to find out my name. He ended up asking me for my MSN, so I gave it to him and we started chatting with each other online.

The first time we started talking, he was very flirtatious and I could tell he was interested in me.

He always complimented me, saying very cheesy but cute things, and naturally I kind of started to like him too. So then he asked if we could meet up sometime that weekend, and I told him maybe.

Then that Saturday he texted me and asked me if he could go over, but I told him I was busy (I was playing hard-to-get). So then the next day he texted me again and told me that he was in the area that I lived near, so I told him that I’d meet him.

That day was the first day we actually really talked to each other face to face after talking to each other for about a week on MSN. He was adorable and I couldn’t keep my eyes off’ him. Then he told me that he had written a song for me.

He played it for me on his ipod and told me that he wrote the lyrics and gave it to his friend and his friend was the one who did the vocals and instrumentals.

After that I absolutely adored him. I mean, we had only met once and he had already written a song for me!

Anyway, we were having a great time walking around, getting to know each other, and then it was late afternoon and we decided to go back to my place.

That’s when we started to “get to know each other” better.

I had gone further with him than I had with any other guy, and I didn’t know why, I just felt some sort of attraction to him.

Then after having spent the entire day with him we continued to see each other for about a week, and he was such a sweetheart to me, no other guy had ever treated me that way before. I thought I had met my match, but then about a week into our “thing”, he started to pull away.

I figured it was because I was coming on too strong so I backed off a little, allowing him to come back to me. But then he called me one night and broke things off with me, I didn’t understand why and he could tell that I started crying a little, but then I don’t know how but he started crying too.

He had told me that he didn’t want to start anything with me since summer holidays were coming closer. I was really upset and he could tell, but then to my surprise he seemed like he was about to cry a river.

He was bawling his eyes out on the phone and I was so stunned I couldn’t say anything. That’s when we just left things as they were. Then about 2 weeks of not talking to each other, I was still hung up on him and there was a Spring Fair at my school so I called him and asked if he could come to the Spring Fair and we could talk.

We talked to each other and then he told me to wait for him till after the summer holidays, and the next school year wouldn’t start till another 4 months.

So stupidly enough I never let go of him. Everyone that knew about him told me to stay away from him as he was known to be a “player”.

I didn’t listen though. I thought he was different, he had always told me that he had never liked a girl as fast as he had liked me before.

So obviously I listened to him. Anyway, during those 4 months I had seen him once out with a load of friends and at that time I still really really liked him and never forgot about him, and he popped up out of nowhere and said hi to me.

I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do so I freaked out and my friends really didn’t like him because he made me an absolute mess over those couple of weeks. So they told me to be a complete utter bitch to him.

And I didn’t know what to do because on one hand I still really liked him, but on the other I also really wanted to let go of him. Then later on I saw him again on the dance floor and he started poking me and tickling me, being all flirtatious, and I didn’t want to get involved with him again so I turned around and walked away.

Then I saw a guy that I had previously hooked up with before so I grabbed him and started hooking up with him right where CG would be able to see us. I could see that he got incredibly jealous, so I walked out of the club to see if he would follow me, and of course his whole group of friends followed right after me.

We started talking and I was a complete utter bitch to him for some odd reason, and I could tell he didn’t like it because he was giving me attitude as well.

Anyway, that was one of the last times I had seen him over the summer. Then, near the end of the summer I had mostly forgotten about him and I was glad I did since he had messed me up. But then conveniently, one day we started talking again on MSN and we caught up with each other and our summers.
After about 2 hours of talking to him on MSN he asked for Skype, and we ended up talking for 8 hours in total without interruption. He was being really sweet again and complimented me the entire time.

Obviously, after that I was desperate to see him again, despite the fact he was the wrong guy for me.

So then by the end of the summer, he came back from his holidays and he had asked me if I wanted to hang out any time soon. So one day I went into the city with my friend and she had to leave so I decided to take that opportunity to hang out with him.

We met up after about 3 months of not seeing each other and we had a great time. But of course, he decided to come on to me and kiss me and I stupidly enough fell for it.

So we ended up hooking up again and I went even further than I had with him before. And I think that did it. After that he knew he had me in his hands. So he started being a bit of an asshole to me, he was never sweet and cute again, he actually became really rude.

I could tell he didn’t like me anymore because I saw him out one night after we hooked up and he was a complete asshole to me. He was hooking up with a girl right in front of me and made it CLEAR to me that he didn’t like me.

So then one day we were talking on MSN and asked me if I still liked him and I lied and said no. Then he told me flat out that he didn’t like me either but liked the “stuff” we did together.

So then he told me that he had a great time with me the last time we hooked up and asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him. I didn’t know if I wanted to so I told him I’d think about it. But then later on I accepted thinking that if he didn’t like me then the only way of getting with him was to be friends with benefits.

All the way through this though he changed into a very different person and was never the same person I had met the first time we saw each other. Now it has been around 3 weeks ago that he asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him and we haven’t met up yet.

We have seen each other at school events though, and he’s really nice in person and always flirts with me but we never did anything those times. Then about a week ago I was sitting with my friends and somehow his name came up and they started talking about that girl that he was hooking up with in front of me, and apparently he had been seeing her and they had been dating for a while.

After I heard that I was shocked but I also found it quite funny, because I knew that he used to be friends with benefits with her and people had always said that she was that one girl that he would never cheat on.

So now I’m in quite a pickle, I don’t know if I should continue on being in this relationship with him and ruin what he has with this girl, who I really really hate by the way, or I should just let him go and try to move on.

Do you think that I should let go of him and move on? And if so, how do I do this? During these 6 months of knowing him I have tried forgetting about him and building a relationship with other guys, but I can’t seem to meet anyone that treated me the same way CG had treated me.

He has hurt me and made me cry over him for a long time but for some odd reason I can’t seem to let go of him.

I know that he doesn’t like me, I know that he doesn’t want anything from me other than “benefits” and somehow that doesn’t bother me.

Because when I’m alone with him it seems like it’s 6 months all over again. He turns into that sweet guy I knew and treats me like a princess.

And I also know that if we’re JUST friends, it never works out, because we tried that and every single time we meet up we end up hooking up.

I don’t get what he wants from me. Is it just the action? Can guys actually be that heartless?

So I know that if I let go of this friends with benefits thing, we won’t be able to be friends.

It would just be one of those “hi” “how are you” kind of things. And I’m not prepared to do that.

Anyway, sorry for the long story.
Please reply 🙂
Thank you,
Lily

Hi Lily,
This guy has played you all along.

DO NOT start a friends with benefits relationship with him.

If he’s only interested in you for sex, and you allow this to happen, you’ll never forgive yourself later. Trust me, this is not the way to attract a guy, to make him love you. You become simply a body for his pleasure, to abuse when he’s in the mood, emotionless, loveless and empty.

Drop him.

Dump him hard.

Erase and block his MSN from your computer.

Erase and block him on Skype

Tell your friends that you’re not a sex toy for any man and keep to it.

Take some time being single, get your head clear, maybe in the new year you’ll be better prepared to share your life with someone again.

BUT you need to take care of yourself first.

You say you’ll never meet a guy that treated you the way he did?

Honestly, overall the only thing he’s done is play you. Despite his “cuteness” and willingness to talk all hours about things, he’s always comes back to hooking up with you. Remember that. He’s treated you like trash, something you take out once in a while, when he’s not busy with any other girls.
Best wishes,
Rob

Did He Play Me Or Is He Just A Jerk?

Dear Rob,

Can you help me with this?

I really like this guy, we have been friends for over ten years. We expressed feelings for each other but since then our friendship deteriorated as I would not settle for a casual kind of thing as I loved him.

We had a massive fight, where he ended up comparing me physically to another totally random female in front of our friends, then I told him I loved him, figuring he was insecure as I act distant, then he gave me an ultimatum to tell him when we saw each other in work (sober).I didn’t as he had struck a nerve and hurt me. He withdrew and I withdrew for months though we saw each other everyday.

A few months we were on hold then we saw each other again. I made a big effort, He was rude most of the time. I asked him straight out if I had done something to offend him, he said no and his voice was cracking and he went on in great detail about passing everyone off and ignoring everyone, which proved to me that his behaviour was deliberate. Literally he admitted to more things than I had noticed.

We were grand then, he helped me with a problem and seemed down when I didn’t go into it more with him (I didn’t cause I didn’t want to be bothering him and told him that).

Then recently at a big social do, I actually looked so well for once, that everyone complimented me. I tried a few times to talk to him, but he was odd and uncomfortable and would not look at me or stay to talk.

He flirted with a load of far better looking women, including one he knows I am jealous of, every so often I caught him looking at me, but he didn’t want me to see it.

He was the only man who did not say I looked well and actually acted like I was nothing, hardly there. I assumed he would spend the rest of the evening with his beautiful friends, so when I saw him head away, I decided not to join them in the bar as I normally do.

I was leaving a little while later and as I left I saw that he was in the bar with a couple of guys and found out that the girls had already left, so he was stuck. However, he could have just left too, but he didnt.

I dunno. I walked away. He has not mentioned it since and neither have I. Now he drops his head when he sees me and I dunno if I have just dented his ego (this guy is super confident with far better looking women) or if he really feels something.

Today I said hello to him and his head was down, he said hello back but it was abrupt and as I walked on, he greeted this other woman like she was an angel falling from heaven.

What do you think Bob. Should I tell him that I love him? Or is he just annoyed that the player has been played?

Hi,
Don’t tell him you love him…. The hurt he has caused you is only a small portion of what this man is capable of.

He went along with your idea of dating but the friendship was thrown aside and the dating was a bad idea.

Telling him you loved him only gave him ammunition to use against you, when things turned bad, which they did.

He wanted sex… and maybe friendship… but certainly nothing more.

Now when he sees you he sees the rejection all over again… but this does not mean he is sorry for what he has done, quite the contrary, if you continue to try to get closer to him, eventually he will relent and you’ll start dating… then his selfishness will come again and he’ll hurt you far worse than he has so far.

Let him stew in the miserable place he has created for himself… it’s not you, it’s all women. He is a boy in a man’s body, unsure of his place in the world, hurting because of his open selfish actions. I bet he likes to compare himself to action heros and male movie stars.

He feels that life has short changed him but the reality is, he has the control to correct himself and became a better person but he’s much rather get ahead at the cost of someone else, in work, play, where ever. This sort of man is overjoyed at the sound of someone else’s loss, whether it affects him directly or not.

Shallow, afraid, out of control, doesn’t understand his place in this world or how to get there.

It’s not so much that you think he’s a player… there is no winner in this game that he likes to play with women. Compliments and back stabbing is what this type know best.

But there is no going back, please move on from him.

There are plenty of great guys out there that won’t abuse you mentally or socially.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Can I Go From Friends With Benefits To Having A Great Boyfriend?

Dear Rob,
I recently got out of a 3 year relationship.

I ended the relationship with almost no hurt feelings since I had been out of love with the guys for a while.

However I now have issues with relationships because I don’t want to invest time like that again and gain nothing. After we broke up I moved towns and into student housing. I’m only 20 so I want to take advantage of the opportunities and just have fun.

Since I started living here I have become very close with my neighbor. We made out a few times and never took it further except our friendship grew stronger.

Everybody who knows us thinks we should be together and tells us how apparent it is that the other person likes the former.

We started about a week ago hooking up and going further and established that we are indeed friends with benefits. I don’t know if he wants more because I was very blunt about a) not wanting a relationship and b)not wanting to complicate our living situation.

And to add to the situation, he has a “sorta” girlfriend. He likes her, but he doesn’t think they work together and they have broken up at least twice in the month they have been dating. In that time we have hooked up while they were off and on.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I told him I would date him then he would end everything with her. However I’m not ready for that, but I want to continue to hang out with him and hook up with him.

So now, either he cheats and I don’t get to be around him if he is with her, or I commit and jump into something I may not be ready for, or he tells her/ends it with me and I lose my very best friend.

Is there any chance I could win this?
Thanks, Michelle

Hi Michelle,
I hope that you didn’t think I wouldn’t reply.

I read your email once I received it and have given it a lot of thought as I read it over the last few days.

I think the main thing is to start at the beginning, not of your relationship, but as to how men and women relate differently to the same things.

I’ll give you an example as a starting point:

Men and women have different views of pornography and of romance, friendship and sex.

Generally, for men, porn is simple the act of sex, and the thoughts that follow it as a guy would think “I can do that too!”.
Men like to see things that they can do too… it’s easier for a guy to copy what another guy does than it is for him to do what another guy says. With porn, and how it relates to sex, a guy sees and wants to do it too. Simple, right?

Guys having sex, generally with women (yes, the other options are totally gross!) and that excites them, and also it desensitizes them as well. Sex, with no consequences, no relationship “issues”, no love, no commitment. While this image isn’t heaven, it sure isn’t hell to a lot of guys. But it’s an awful example to follow in the real world.

Women, on the other hand, like to feel the emotion of the sexual moment. They don’t want to be told what to do, they want to be told how to do it, they want to feel what it is.

That’s why women’s porn is not the viewing of the sex act (direct naked porn), but rather the emotion that precedes and includes the moment. It’s the romance, the enveloping, the complete giving of yourself to another, that creates the right act of sexual fulfillment for women.

While men can easily exclude their emotions from sex, women can’t.

While women have been tricked into thinking that sex can exclude a relationship bond with their partner, it really can’t. It’s all been lies.

And then, we have this weird notion of “friends with benefits”.

Really, the only benefit is to the guy, sex without commitment, without romance, without obligation. It’s just what he wants, what has been told is his to have… his ultimate goal (until he grows up and matures anyways).

Women have the risk of pregnancy, of loss of self-esteem, loss of identity. Simply becoming a sexual thing, a plaything.

And when you ask me these questions, of being able to take advantage of your (newly single) situation, of having fun, and I have to ask you, where does this lead you? It is rather obvious that you’re uncomfortable with this “FWB” adventure, right?

You tell me that you’re unsure if he wants more from you but that he also “sorta” has a girlfriend.

Well, doesn’t that already mean you’re second place to another woman in his life?

Doesn’t this mean that you’re really just “sex” and nothing more, just as he’d watch a football game he goes to his neighbor’s house for a little uncommitted sex and fooling around.

And this is “safe” for him because there isn’t any relationship boundaries to cross other than the fact that there is no relationship at all!!

Then you say that you’re not ready for a relationship, but might date him if he stops seeing this other girl.

Or might not. Even you have been mislead into misunderstanding your own thoughts and needs.

Do you see how you can’t win here, either way?

Here you have a guy that is ready to just have sex with anyone, (and really, I mean anyone that is convenient…), has a girlfriend but can’t (or maybe does) get what he wants from her, is ok with having to get it elsewhere and is just as happy without making a commitment to her because he doesn’t have to decide about one and he has other options.

You’re playing the wrong kind of game here and you can’t win.

I think that even if this guy were to dump his “sorta” girlfriend and decide to “kinda” make a commitment to you, you’d see him for the shallow guy he is. (BTW, he can’t cheat on her of she isn’t already his gf!)

And I define shallow as being unable to decide your own direction in life and willing to take advantage of the moment in a way that does not create any direction for your own future, short or long term.

And now that we have covered all these bases, it’s time for the home run:

Just because you have opened up your heart to this guy, telling him all of your secrets, all of your insecurities, do you really think that he hasn’t put that information to use, and manoeuvred you into bed?

That rather than being your “best friend” he has actually been simply waiting for the moment to strike? And he has used your own words to trick you into a situation that you would have never dreamed of being possible 4 weeks ago?

Do you see how everything is so much more complicated than you think it is?

Do you see how important it is for you to end this now, to retreat back into your own purposeful life, without giving yourself away so cheaply, so indifferently, so without reason or commitment?

You’ve had a long relationship, and with no details all I can go on is that you were dating a guy since you were 17… but do you see how much you have changed since 17?

You were a girl, playing dating games, but now it’s the rest of your life, and you’re giving yourself away.

And I don’t just mean sexually, I mean completely.

Your thoughts mislead you, your body betrays you, your emotions lay open and bruised from not knowing what will happen next because there is nothing next to happen.

No commitment, no future.

I am sure that I have answered your question.

Maybe more in depth than you expected.

And I sense that you’re going to accept what I have written to you.

Look inside yourself.

Give yourself 2 or 4 weeks without “hooking up” with this guy and see how your life is different.

You only have your future ahead of you.
Best wishes,
Rob.