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The Advice General

Ask Rob! The Advice General
Ask Rob! The Advice General

“Ask Rob! The Advice General” answers relationship and personal advice questions through email.

I like to help people and I have been told that I have a particular insight into the human condition. I want to be able to help you.

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What type of questions will “Ask Rob! The Advice General” answer?
Rob, The Advice General will answer all questions posed to him or try to provide information concerning the answers you seek. Rob has answered questions about dating, relationships, dealing with cheaters, teen advice concerning dating, friends and other happenings that can cause confusion and grief, breaking up and relationship reconciliation, living together and your married life.

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Dilemma (Need your good advice ASAP)

Hi Rob,
I need your advice about my current situation now, and I’ll be glad if you could give me your insight about my problem. I didn’t wanna ask you about this because I should figure this out on my own I know, but….I am too confused now and don’t know what to do. So please help me.

First of all, I’m a 19 year old Bi girl (nobody knows and I dont intend to come out anytime soon), and I met this girl through my workplace. She’s a 28 year old co-worker from Korea. She is on a working visa thing here in Canada. We became friends quite quickly. Later, we went on a in-town trip together and that time I noticed her physical intimacy towards me. I knew that most Asians have that kind of physical intimacy with their friends so I didn’t find it weird, just I’m not used to that (holding hands thing with a friend) so I rejected to that at first. Actually I didn’t find that suspicious or anything weird so after a while, I just let her hold my hand freely (and I mean actually holding hands, not just arm) After that first trip, we went on another trip again and we actually stayed in a hotel room for one night together. I didnt do anything or was thinking about anything more than a friend to her that time, but when we were already in bed together, just her physical intimacy got more. She was cuddled up with me while her face was very close to my face that I could actually feel and hear her breathing. The next morning I asked her about that and she told me that it was just a habit and so I asked her if she ever did it to someone else or to her room-mate, and she said sometimes (But I knew not really). Actually that time, i already found it suspicious. Her physical intimacy with me is just too much but everytime I asked her about it, she always just say its normal for her and nothing weird. I didnt reject her physical intimacy with me because I actually liked that and I knew she liked that physical intimacy with me as well. But anyways, I wasn’t sure about her orientation.

Time goes by, we became closer and closer, and our physical intimacy developed very quickly and much more. Our relationship was like of a couple, we see each other EVERYDAY, from morning 9-10am till 3am, and then we fight everyday about something small or childish. Just the problem I have was she has a long time boyfriend for about 7 years in Korea…

To make my story a bit shorter… finally, while we were on the bed together after hanging out one night, we became very intimate that finally she ended up kissing me. Things were very fast and led to a more serious and stronger intimacy quickly. Actually, first her plan was to just work here until her work permit Visa expires then she will go back to Korea, but then when we were just “friends” I asked her to stay longer and so she finally made up her mind that she wanna stay here and would get a permanent residency here in Canada. So after many thinking and options, the best way she could find to quickly immigrate here was to go to Quebec and study French (cuz its easier to get residency in Quebec, just you have to pass French) So as our time together is running out, I decided to live with her for the remaining time she had here. We already had fights and discussions about her boyfriend thing and our relationship, but she didn’t clarify to me what exactly our relationship was. I KNEW exactly that we have no future together and that she can’t and would not break up with her long time boyfriend (after all, he is very useful to her and she is very used to him) I knew that. But…. I was wishing I would be more important to her. I was just hoping and praying I could change that. I asked her back then when we were just friends if she ever thought about her boyfriend if she immigrates here and she said to me that he doesnt have any influence on her decision AT ALL. That she doesnt mind him at all. So that time, I thought he’s not that important to her and she doesnt really love him. Isn’t that right?

Anyways, I know she cares about me (even though I don’t wanna think or believe that nowadays) and she likes me too, and as I said, we talked about many things and told me couple of times that if I want to end whatever relationship we have then I could. Before we moved together, we had an argument about the whole boyfriend thing and she told me its better if we don’t move together. And I knew she was right BUT…just I want her, so I did.

Just…. I want her. I already knew what I was getting into, just I thought I could make myself more important to her that she would choose me over her normal life/boyfriend. I wanna keep her no matter what, but I don’t know how now. I want to keep her and I could keep whatever kind of relationship we have now, but… it’s hurting me too much and I can’t take the fact that I’m just….a…..sideline(?) affair(?)… and that I can never have her just to myself and call her solely mine. I deserve better than this kind of relationship but just…I don’t know what love is, just… I want to be with her and next to her as much as possible. I wish we could go back as just being friends, but I can not. I want to keep her and whatever relationship we have now……..but……….I don’t know…………………………… I want to keep her no matter what and I would do anything to make it happen but I don’t know…….

Help me Rob. Could you tell me what you think and what I should do? Help me ASAP 🙁 THANK YOU SO MUCH! Would be looking forward to your reply soon.

Hi Girl in a Dilemma
While I can understand and also feel sad for the loss of relationship you now feel I must also say that you became too dependent on your “girlfriend” and now have your feelings crushed by her and her seemingly callous actions towards you.

She has chosen a life different than yours and the people that we want to share our lives with we must be sure to not try to possess them.

You are hurt because you know, deep down, she does not share with you the things you feel.

She is not yours to keep and really never was. You might be able to remain friends with her, but I don’t think that is what she wants. Her life is different from yours.

You need to stretch your wings and find love from someone that will treat you special, not as a thing to do for a little while.
Good luck,
Rob

The Classic Ignoring Game

Hi Rob,
Recently me and my ex-boyfriend have been talking to each other again and doing some casual flirting.

Our first break-up was not very good (I broke up with him) but somehow we were able to pull our friendship back up, we were really close friends before we started dating. Over the summer we thought about getting back together but for some reason it didn’t feel right to me (chemistry?).

We had gone to the movies over the summer and it ended with a kiss and even though he sort of asked me out (he mentioned the fact that he felt it was implied over the internet that night on IM, I begged to differ) I didn’t go back out with him. Nevertheless after a really big fight, and a rough patch we were able to casually talk again.

In October when we had no school he came over to watch a movie and we ended up making out. It didn’t go any further than that and he was still extremely sweet.

He joked around a lot with me, spun me around in circles in my room and even gave me a piggy back ride downstairs. Now he isn’t the football type guy who gets all the girls and does the one-night stands. In fact I’ve been his only girlfriend, and he’s generally speaking a really sweet guy, although I know that he has a tendency to emotionally shut-down sometimes.

Anyways we talked a little bit after October, nothing too serious, and then we started talking a lot in January.

There would be some nights where even though it was a school night we’d talk till 2am or 3am in the morning. In one of these late night conversations he said that he was still very much attracted to me but wanted to try branching out a little (dating other people). After one of our really late night conversations we decided to keep texting during school and then later that evening he just stopped talking to me. Now he’s ignoring me. He helped me a little bit with an internship application but then after the application was done he stopped talking to me again.

My sweet 16 is in a month and I asked him for his address to mail the invitation letting him know that of course he didn’t have to give it to me if he didn’t want to come, but he still gave me his address even though he decided not to continue the conversation past that.

In the midst of all this ignoring, I’ve been subconsciously thinking about him more leading to point where *I* actually like him, but he’s still ignoring me – holding all the cards almost. Any advice? I feel like I’m getting mixed signals from him and so I don’t exactly know what to do even though I would really like to go back out with him. Please help.
Thanks Rob.

Hi,
Sorry to say but you’re only the “last boat in the harbor” as far as he goes.
When a guy says “I want to branch out and date other people” he really means is that as long as you’re available he will make out with you, and maybe look for more, but you’re only ever going to be a friend with benefits.

His ignoring you is the biggest sign that he only wants you when he wants you, nothing more.

Stop expecting him to change and you’ll get over him. Find another boy, I bet you have plenty of choices if you only look around, or enjoy your ‘singledom’.

I hope this helps,
Rob

Breakup and Sex: A Long Distance Story

Dear Rob,
Hi. I am very confused right now.

I was dating this new guy for a couple months and things were going good, but a few months ago I broke up with him because I had moved out of town & the long distance wasn’t working for me. Although my ex later tells me that the breakup was a total surprise to him because he thought everything was going really good. He even said that he could have loved me.

I still see him and hang out with him & his family whenever im in town and whenever we’re with each other, it’s like we never broke up. We still sit next to each other, snuggle up under the blanket together & even still have sex.

I have been very devastated with my breaking off the relationship & i’ve been wanting to get back together with him. He always says he still cares about me & he always takes care of me when I need him.

He even let me stay with him & his family when I got kicked out of my parents house.

I have been wondering if maybe he wanted me back to so I asked him what he thought of us and our relationship but unfortunately he replied saying that he needed to tell me before I got to thinking something.

That what has been going on with us is just fun and that he doesn’t want me letting myself get hurt.

I asked why he didn’t want to be with me again thinking maybe it was because he was afraid of me leaving him again, but he said that he was single and that he wanted to stay single.

I am now so confused of what he wants from me and what I should do. I would greatly appreciate your advice!
Sincerely,
A Confused Woman

Hi Confused,
Break off with him completely and do it now.

You’re just “fun and sex” now that you’re not 100% available because of the distance involved.
You will not have a relationship that works because he cannot commit to you.

End things now and stay away from him. He has said the truth, he wants to stay single and that does not put you into the picture of the life he wants for himself.

If he calls, then tell him what I said (tell him you read a similar situation online). He will either explain or say it’s the truth. Then you will have your answer from him.

Best wishes,
Rob

Where is this relationship going?

Hi Rob,
I came across your website and I thought it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to email you to ask for relationship type advice.

I met a guy about 5 or so years ago. When we met — it was an instant atttraction—we both knew it. We discovered we had several commonalities— different ethnicities, common interests. We spent a fare amount of time talking and getting to know each other. We exchanged contact information and said we’d keep in touch. The last day of the week away at the same place, before we all left, we kissed…

We kept in though mostly through email throughout college, until this guy finally got a cell phone. Emails were always great and was always good to hear from him. Two years after we met… he called me to say he was going to be in the area and that he would love to come for a visit. Fully knowing what to except, we hung out over the weekend and slept together. I had a great time with or without the extra perks of the weekend.

After that weekend, we went back to our normal lives, we talked on the phone every so often, email and instant messaging.

We eventually became Facebook friends, if that means anything or not. Due to crazy schedule— me being and school and this guy working a good bit, we didn’t hang out again until the beginning of the year when he came to visit me—a 4 1/2 hour drive for a long weekend. We had a great time catching up, talking, watching movies, going out to dinner and again sleeping together.

We continued to stay in touch after that weekend… texting, touching base over the phone sometimes and Facebook.

The following year he came to visit again, and flew from his hometown to visit for the weekend. We had another great weekend of catching up, chilling, hanging out and some fun.

Since then, we still connect via phone and all the other social networks. He’ll text me a “Happy Birthday” on my birthday and I do the same on his b-day.

I feel that we connect on different levels with or without the extra perks.

I just want to know where this is going if anywhere and if I should keep this going.
Let me know your thoughts.

Much Appreciated,
Unsure of what to do

Hi Unsure,I think that if it was to go somewhere you wouldn’t have to ask me.

So it’s time to ask him. Straight out, on the phone “Is this going somewhere?”

You know what my answer is, what’s his?

Best wishes,
Rob