Category Archives: General Advice

The Advice General’s categorized advice articles.

Be The Master of Attraction

Being the “Master of Attraction” (or Mistress of Attraction”) is something that we all strive for, at one time or another.

Seeing for the first time that cute girl or hunky guy always brings our insecurities to the surface, what do we say, how to act, talk, stand, sit, etc.

When you believe that everything you do affects everything that happens to you, you are on the road to being a Master of Attraction.

Understanding that even the insignificant things you do can have a “butterfly effect” on others should help you to strive for pleasantness in all that you do But the doing is always up to you.

So take this thought with you: you are always being watched, being judged, but you will always be remembered for the things you do.

The Man-child

Dear Rob,
First off I think your a great guy doing what u do! I browsed through your web site and think its the best thing that happened for anyone to get advice on and seeing that others have the same kind of situations their in.

Well I’m sort of embarrassed to talk about my problem in what I’m having with this on and off relationship that I have. I’m 30, my so called bf is 37 and we’ve dated for 2 years. We have a 8 month old daughter that’s involved. Neither of us are married.

He does have 3 sisters and 1 brother that has kids. Well I don’t understand why he would want to constantly be there for his relatives kids that are the ages between 5 and up and not his own! It seems that he’s always there for his relatives, especially his mother, ignores my daughter and I with no phone calls or seems like he fell off earth, then when he’s done taking care of them that’s when he has time for my daughter and I. It’s very hurtful that he considers his 1st daughter last, only supports her when he feels like it. We used to live together but now separated due to arguing all the time and also would just constantly be running to his relatives and mother.

I know it’s ok to help family out once in a while or when there is a bad crisis but this happens everyday with him. Even when we lived together he wouldn’t come home to us first he be going to his mother’s house. It started to make me feel annoyed, and that I wasn’t the main priority to him. I feel as though he’s so attached to his mother and family that he doesn’t even know how to deal with his own here!

Another thing is when he’s in the wrong I get the blame! He calls me ” nuts, I create things in my head, that I need mental help, etc. I know I’m being verbally abused by him! I’m trying my best to keep up my self esteem and not to let him bring me down. I fear that if I take him to court that when he gets his visitation rights that he’ll abuse my daughter the same way, that’s why I don’t have anything to do with the court, we make plans for him to see his daughter but at least I still have more of the say so.

I don’t know what to do about the relative/ mother thing? He’s 37 and wants to move back in with his mother instead cause he knows then he wont have to work, sit in front of TV, cook, clean for his mother and babysit his sisters kids instead of working things out with us as a family! I’m confused cause I don’t want to be alone with our daughter but at the same time I’d rather be alone cause I can’t take the verbal abuse anymore.

There is so much more about him that I could write a book and continue to ask for help! I really do have more of a little boy here then a real man!!! Real Men take care of their responsibilities and always care for their family!!

But this was my main concern. I did read one of your articles about controlling guys and all the 12 statements match him. So I’m keeping my eyes out for someone that’s going to treat my daughter and I like their first priority! I no longer feel cared for or loved by this person! I wonder if this is still going to continue on and on with his nieces and nephews when my daughter get older to understand more things. If so i feel so hurt that she’s going to see her dad care more about the other kids then her! I would hate to see my daughter run and cry to me about him.
Looking forward for your advice~ ~ ~
Sincerely,
Susan

Hi Susan,
You’ve met a “man-child”. Someone that doesn’t need to grow up, take responsibility, make decisions that affect anyone but himself.

He won’t change, it’s really too late for him.
Blame his mother for being so protective of him that he never had to stand on his own two feet. And blame him for not having the courage to be a real man and shoulder the responsibility of his own life.

He’ll keep his family ahead of the one he’s created with you because:
– they aren’t his responsibility
– he can have all the good times and none of the hard times with his family and nieces/nephews
– they will take care of him but if he’s with you he has to take care of himself, you and the baby

You need to start thinking of yourself and your child first:
– get a court order for child support
– get a court order for supervised visits because the guy can’t be trusted

And realize that your relationship with him, outside of the responsibilities he has for your child, is over. He may try to protect himself by making small gestures of support, of visiting you and your child. But they will quickly end if you let him off the hook of the responsibility he now has. It’s time you made him prove himself. And you’ll see him attack you with anger. He’ll say that you don’t understand the pressure he’s under. He’ll work you from every angle to make everything your fault, not his. Don’t let him off the hook!

Get a lawyer, protect yourself.
You may need counseling to get over the coming rough spots, do it. For yourself and your child.
I wish you well,
Rob.

Divorcing The Sociopathic Husband And Moving On

Dear Rob,
I was married to what I thought was the “perfect” man for nearly 7 years. He was 8 years my junior. He is now 39 and I am 47. When we met, we were both married. I was in a very unhappy marriage that lacked any intimacy whatsoever for nearly 5 years. He said he was miserable with his wife and that she was hard to get along with and was just simply an angry person.

We got divorces and married each other. I paid for his divorce and mine. He treated me like a queen and declared that he “loved me from the bottom of his heart”. He quickly ran errands for me and seemed to actually spoil me. He gave regular massages. He told me everyday just how beautiful he thought I was. He was the most sensitive man I had ever met–he seemed quite sensitive in that he cried easily upon hearing sad songs or watching sad movies.

I put 100% into the marriage. I was determined to make it work. I was careful not to snap at him and if I did, I apologized immediately. We had one serious argument during the nearly 7 years of our marriage.

I might add that we came from two totally different backgrounds. I had been on the same job nearly 20 years at the time and had a decent income, had just purchased a new home, and had a new vehicle. I was living the American Dream–I guess. He was driving a vehicle that didn’t run half the time, wearing tattered clothing, and working a dead end job with no benefits. I felt he was a good person but had lacked having the same opportunities that I had been blessed with. I took him in, cleaned him up by buying him new clothes and a dependable vehicle. Credit card nightmare!

Also, just before our first anniversary, he became seriously ill. I rushed him to hospital and he had to have emergency surgery for infectionious pericardis. He was in a coma for 13 days. I didn’t sleep for over 40 hours and prayed that God would save him. That was a very spiritual experience for me as God did spare him and after that my husband kept telling me that I saved his life. I would remind him that it was God that had saved him a not me.

Also, before we had been married a year, I learned quite by accident that he had said some pretty perverted things to a young girl who worked at a fast food restaurant near our home. She even referred to him as “an old pervert”.

Then, a few years later he made some inappropriate comments to a young lesbian co-worker of mine who I supervised at the time. Not cool! He told her just how sexy he thought she was and told her not to tell his wife that he’d said that. This caused a terrible scene and nearly caused the organization I work for a sexual harassment suit. I permanently removed him from the property immediately. When I asked him for an explanation for his actions, he first said “maybe I’m going through a mid-life crisis”. When I responded with “so you were coming on to her” question, he quickly said that he was only trying to compliment her.

Then, he called up his brother’s wife and said some inappropriate things to her. He finally admitted that they had once had sex before she was his brother’s wife and before he married me!

Then, I found the phone numbers of two women hidden in his truck. I won’t go into detail but it was really weird how I ran across those. I certainly wasn’t prowling around in his truck! When I confronted him, he started crying and begging me not to divorce him (by the way, this was his reaction to the other two incidents, too), and saying that he only got them just to “see if he could”. He promised me that he’d never even called them and that he would never do anything again and that it would always just be me and him. Silly me! I believed that and continued to trust him although I was informed by people who had known him longer than me that he had cheated on every woman he’d ever been with and that he was a player!

Then, this past December he told me that he was unhappy and wanted to leave. He said he wanted to be out on his own and that he’d never even paid his own rent before and that he didn’t want to be married anymore.
The sensitive man that I thought I knew so well transformed into a monster before my very eyes! I didn’t raise my voice at him–not once–but I did ask him to please tell me what had happened as he had continued to declare his love for me just days before.

He’d turn to me with a very dark expression on his face and look at me with eyes of steel and say things like, “I don’t see what the big f*ing deal is here, we can still be friends, I’ll call you, I’ll even come by your house and maybe we can hook up sometime!”.

I was devastated and reminded him that I was his wife and asked him why on earth he was talking to me like this. He didn’t have any answers. Then, he would tell me that he wanted to try to make it work, then he would scream at me that he had to leave, then he would approach me and tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, then he’d want sex.

I gave him sex in any way he wanted it–I was trying to save my marriage! Then, I found out that it indeed was another woman that he had known for a little over 3 weeks! I tried to reason with him–thought he might be suffering from a mid-life crisis. Then, when he spat at me that if things didn’t work at with her, he’d be back, I threw a rock through the windshield of the truck that I had just bought for him a month or so before. He wasn’t in the truck–I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone–just finally stressed my displeasure with the situation. He left for good that same day.

Since he left, I’ve learned through people coming to me–not once have I sought info–that the man cheated on me with at least a dozen women! It was like he was out there coming on to anyone he could. He also came onto women who were really close friends of mine as well as the wives and girlfriends of his friends. Very risky! The gal he left me for had been married to her husband for over 12 years and had a very comfortable life and a good job.

Before they were together 3 months and before her divorce was final, my ex convinced her to sign mortgage papers with him for a mobile home to put on “his” property which is actually in his mother’s name. The girlfriend told me that she has nearly used up all her savings on this venture. She bought a second late model jeep that he is now driving. I wouldn’t let him take the truck that I had bought him but gave him another one that I had bought that ran better than the one he came into our marriage with. He has bragged to everyone about her income and how she takes him shopping at expensive clothing stores and tells him to get whatever he wants. The girl is really a sweet girl but seems quite naive. She and I exchange emails and I’ve tried to warn her but she thinks she is the “special one” just like he told me that I was the special one.

He even told me before he left me that I should be proud because I was his “record” in that he had stayed with me longer than anyone. I fear he is using this girl in the same manner. I honestly feel badly for her–I’m old enough to be her mother!

The other thing that I might mention is that he would not seek steady employment. He didn’t work half the time we were together and this kept me under a great deal of stress. He was a total pot head and had to have his pot no matter what.

He also had a child support obligation that I paid when he wasn’t working because I didn’t want him to have to deal with court or maybe even jail if he fell behind. She now tells me that he’s only smoking pot on the weekends. When he was cheating on me, he did it all pretty much on his work time, turning in work hours that he wasn’t even there! He worked on his own and his boss wasn’t around very much at all so he had the freedom and trust to do pretty much what he wanted.

The new girl and he work over 100 miles apart from each other so I figured that she doesn’t REALLY know what he is doing. She just hears his great declaration of love for her all the time and all the affection he is capable of pouring out to her. She said he told her in the beginning of the relationship that he had to have sex at least once a day and she agreed because she considers herself a very sexual person as well. I obliged him his sexual desires as well even though I hit menopause a few years ago. That was hard but I kept it up no matter what but he seemed so very inconsiderate during that time.

Also, I’m a very attractive lady for my age and have taken good care of myself. I easily pass for 35 and am fortunate to still have my shape. As far as attractiveness, this 29 year old has nothing on me. I’m not being conceited, it’s just fact. However, I was catching on to his using me and had started to say NO to a few things–especially concerning money.

I’m sorry this is so long but it’s a bit complex. I just don’t understand how a man could seem so sensitive and caring and then so cold and malicious. How could this man have a conscience and how can the girlfriend trust that he won’t do the same thing to her?
Thanks,
Anon

Hi Anon,
What a horrendous story. I am so glad that you managed to escape!

As for whether this man is a sociopath, he certainly has the tendencies to not have any remorse for what he does, ignore the needs of others for his own selfish interests. His apparent “sensitivity and caring” was merely a pretending game for him to set you up, put you at ease, and effect his control over you, the victim.

He also displays a “con man” attitude that he uses to trick women into believing what they want to believe. He uses this tactic as well to his own ends.

Any women that come into contact with him, any woman at all, are merely playthings to be used and thrown away, no matter their investment and involvement with him.

He’s certainly beyond counselling, it seems to me, as well as he’s on the certain road to prison.

Eventually his “needs” will outweigh his reserved actions and he’ll cross into obvious criminal activity, I’d think of a sexual assault type crime.

He’s done this to you, used his “power” over you to get you to do things you’d otherwise never do.

I hope that your divorce is completely final and you can move on from this experience and loss of your enjoyment of the last several years. It seems to me that he married you under false pretences and you should have had the advice of an annulment, if you had revealed all to your attorney. (Just my opinion.)

Again, I am glad that you survived, I hope this other woman manages to see the light before it’s too late.
Best wishes for a brighter future!
Rob.

Selfish Husband Needs Help

Dear Rob,
This might be a new one for you. My wife and I been married for 12 years and since the beginning of the marriage I realize now that I’ve been a selfish @$$hole. I can’t explain why, but I thinks it’s the fact when I was younger I did what I wanted to do. My parents were very thoughtful and gave me a lot. Which might of been the first mistake because I was an unappreciated kid (I expected everything).

My question is, now that my marriage is going south, what do I do to control this behavior and be more thoughtful of my wife and the great person she is? She’s a great mother, a great wife and a dear friend to a lot of people. I want to be the great husband she’s looking for and provide for the family and stop partying like I’m a rock star but I don’t know where to start. Can you help?
Regards,
Hard Place

Hi Hard Place,
You’re right, a guy emailing me saying “I have a problem that you’ve already identified and need help with” is a new one for me.

OK, you’re a selfish guy. I’m going to throw you for a loop here:
Selfishness isn’t bad.

Now I’m going to qualify that statement.

Selfishness is good:
“Selfishness” is a process where people look out for themselves. They try to get the best that they can for themselves, despite what others may think. Selfishness is often a drive for someone to do their best, regardless of others, a method of empowerment, of succeeding.

How selfishness is bad:
Selfish people think of themselves first, others second (if at all). Selfish people do what they want to do, which is not always what is the right thing to do, given their particular circumstances. This selfishness does not take into account anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, emotions and needs. Very bad.

Now HP, you’ve been married for 12 years. Throughout this time your wife has put up with being second place in your life. Second to what you wanted to do; second to where you wanted to be; second to what is happening in your life. That has to change.

Now, I don’t want you to go to your wife and say “I know I have a problem being selfish and I will work on it. I want to make this marriage work and I’ll change”. You’re not going to do this because, my friend, the proof is in the pudding. And your words aren’t worth squat right now.

The proof of being able to change is in your actions. Change needs to be shown, not discussed. You can’t tell someone you’ve changed, you need to show the change you have been able to do and maintain that change, from the moment you’ve decided to change forward.

Here’s how you’re going to make the change that your wife will see you’ve changed and stay in your marriage:

You’re going to put her, and her feelings, emotions and needs, first. What you do has a consequence: how it affects her. You’re going to ask yourself that question every time you plan to do something, “How will me doing, or not doing this, affect my wife?”

– If you get invited out to be with your friends it must be a “wife-friendly” event. She either has to be able to go with you, or you have her complete approval to go without her. Anything else and you must decline to go, without any blame towards your wife. Spend that time with your wife. Rent a movie instead of leaving her behind. A movie she wants to see.

– If your wife right now has no “friend time” of her own you have to encourage her to go out with the friends she does have and you’ll pick up on the slack time, the housework, that would normally be done when she was home. This has to be a regular, hopefully weekly, time for her. Her friend time. She needs it and she needs to know you’ll be home while she’s out. You’ll be waiting for her to come home, instead of being out partying somewhere.

– You’ll bring romance back in your marriage:
At least twice a month take your wife out for dinner. Not too expensive but somewhat kid-free. It doesn’t even have to be planned that far in advance (spur of the moment is great if you can arrange it!) as long as the dinner time does not interrupt anything she may have planned. Think of her first when planning these dinners out!

– Show her you love her:
Go to your local Hallmark store and buy some romantic greeting cards. I don’t mean one or two, I’m talking 8 or ten. Cards that make you feel romantic towards your wife. Cards that will speak your romantic feelings to her. These are cards that you will write at least 4 sentences of a love note into when you give them to her, on an ordinary day, stuffed in her robe, tucked into her bath towel. You will not give her the card face to face, you will leave the card somewhere for her to easily find. You can also instead of using a card every time (but the first 4 or 5 times should be a greeting card) just write a love note for her. Something that says you’re thinking of her. Drop it into her purse. Hang it in the shower. Stick it on the side of the toaster. Leave her messages that scream “I love you” just because you do, not for a holiday, birthday or any other reason than being married to her. You’ll do this at least once a week.

– Help out around the house more:
You’ve been a jerk leaving her to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping (maybe even taking care of the kids, you didn’t say if you have children). It’s time to do more that will give her some free time of her own. You will give up your time for her to have free time of her own. And you will never, ever complain about what you gave up for her to have some free time.

– Start reading:
After 12 years it’s likely that the both of you are so familiar with each other that you’ve become strangers. There is nothing to talk about anymore. No fresh conversations. Nothing new that you’d both be interested in. Change that by reading. Find some books and magazines that you’re interested in and start reading. And to make this work you must talk about the book or magazine stories with your wife. Now, I’m not talking about a 2 hour book-club discussion. Just a short “That last part (the article about) I read was great, it went like this…”

– Become a more responsible man:
Now, I don’t know what your career is and I don’t know what work you do around the house. But whatever those are, you’re to start doing more around the house. Cleaning, house maintenance, yard work. Getting rid of spider webs, whatever. You know what needs to be done that you haven’t been doing. Write yourself a list (that you keep to yourself) and start on those chores. This works because not only are you doing things around that house that has to be done but you are, at the same time, home with your wife and not out with your friends, partying like a rock star.

– Finances need to be fair and open
I am assuming that you are working and your wife isn’t. But this advice works either way:
You need to have a family conference about family finances.

You’ll need to show where currently money is earned and has been spent and how you’re doing as a family unit, financially.

Then, you’re to set up an allowance for both you and your wife. This is the “discretionary fund” or allowance that you both will commit to, to be able to spend without the other watching over the shoulder, the amount set weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. This is money left over after bills are paid and a savings account has had a deposit.

If your wife isn’t working outside of the home it’s time to give her an allowance so she has money of her own to spend, not relying on handouts from you. If she does work outside the home then it’s time to redefine financial obligations, how money is spent and saved. And what the amount of “discretionary funds” you both have to spend on items that aren’t directly involved in the upkeep of your home and household. This is not where you say “I make more than you so I get more to spend on myself”, this is where you level out the playing field so that you both have the same money each week. This will curb your partying and help your wife save and have money of her own. You’ll be surprised with the results if you’re not already doing this!

This is extremely important.

Where you’re going to start:
– Not go out without your wife for the next month. Except for times you out with your wife you will not go out. You will not complain about it. You will not ask her for permission to go out. You are a changed man, an “at home” man for at least this first month.
– Love cards and messages start now! And at least once a week from now on, forever.
– Dinners out start Thursday or Friday. That means this week, not next.
– Helping around the house starts immediately. I don’t care what it is, but it’ll be whatever you’ve been leaving your wife to do around the house. After you read this email, grab the vacuum, empty the dishwasher, clean out the lint trap in the clothes dryer. Do something right now!
– The openness of finances and the setting of you and your wife’s spending allowances should be set as soon as possible.

And email me in two months, let me know how things are going for you, your relationship, your family.
Best wishes,
Rob.

My Ex Is Still Nice To Me

Dear Rob,
I am in a complicated situation. I hope that you could help me find some sense.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about 15 months ago. We kept in touch and we basically meet up at least once a month. I am the only ex he keeps in touch with. Probably because ours was the longest relationship he ever had.

I recently had an illness. He has used most of his income to pay for my medical bills, and anything at all that I needed. He says he cares for me as a good friend. He spends most of his time with me to take care of me and he wants to nurse me back to good health. He buy medications that could help me for me.

The thing is that he already has a girlfriend. He tells me that he doesn’t have any feelings for me but I feel otherwise. I am not sure whether I just being paranoid. Just that his actions says otherwise. In fact too much of his actions tells me he cares too much. He looks happy whenever he sees me and tries to make me happy. He makes sure I take my medications.

Please advise Rob. Thanks.
Mary

Hi Mary,
He cares for you but not enough to get into a relationship again. That’s why he’s seeing someone else. You give him happiness in a way that he doesn’t get in his new relationship, which just makes him a cheater in my books.

It’s time you ended your reliance on him and moved on with new people and activities. Don’t keep hoping he’ll be back, move on. Would you seriously want to date him again knowing that he might treat the current girlfriend how he treats you now? UGH.
He needs to level himself out and pick one girl, but not you. Don’t get dragged into this twisted ring of women he’s creating in his life.
No one deserves anything less than the full attention of someone they are in a serious relationship with. Ever.

Thank him for all he did and move on.
I wish you well,
Rob.