Category Archives: My Husband Is Boring

Hi Rob,
I stumbled onto your site while researching controling men.

I am 20 yrs old I met this guy through another friend he took my number & we started talking having 9 hr conversations at this time we lived in two different states we talked on the phone for about 4 months and visited each other for a month.

I moved to be with him, then all of a sudden his family who lives in Jordan didn’t want us to live together without being married. This issue had never been risen until I moved. I found this to be suspicious but loved him and didn’t want to have to move back. So we got married in October.

Things go well then go bad.

I am a very strong independent woman who likes a little space and a little input on subjects. I have lived on my own for 2 years and have worked and attended college so I’ve been very self sufficient I guess you could say. He is the one who wanted me to move here now that I’m here and we are married things have changed.

I don’t work because we only have one car so he takes it everyday to go to work sometimes 14 hr shifts which leaves me in the house alone and bored. I haven’t met anyone since I have moved here so no friends no family.

I rarely go out only to the bank, and grocery shop, occasionally we will go for a drive or eat out maybe once a month. I cook for him even when he gets home from work at 4am , also wake up every morning and bring the coffee to the bed side for him, clean, laundry, iron all clothes, run his bath/shower water, massage almost EVERY night (I have yet to get a massage) greet him with a kiss when he comes home from work, and an I love every night before I fall asleep.

He is obviously from Jordan and speaks arabic I have started trying to learn arabic so I can understand him better along with learning about his religion. He seems miserable, tells me that his ex understood him more than I do, wants somebody who listens (I feel that I do listen), & that any girl would be happy to sit at home and relax (truth be it makes me miserable to sit at home).

In return I just feel like I’m being taken for granted and nothing I do is good enough and I’m pretty much not up to his standards. However he does do sweet things but I constantly feel like I don’t have a say in anything.

He’s always telling me I should do this or that or why don’t you do it like this, You know what your problem is (my personal fav. makes me want to yell every time he says it).

He doesn’t like me to really talk to my old old grade school friend who is a guy & a gay guy at that! He also tells me that if I keep listening to my mother and everyone else in my life then they are going to screw up my life. My mom feels that he is controling I don’t know sometimes I see it and sometimes I just see a sweet guy trying his best.

When I try to talk about these issues with him it’s an uphill battle he won’t acknowledge or agree with my view of what is going on in our relationship. He always tells me I look at the small stupid stuff that doesn’t matter, also tells me I’m too sensitive.

I feel that if I said half the things that he says to me it would be ten times worse than him saying it to me if that makes sense, feels like I’m supposed to sit down and take it (not in my nature).

I went crazy on him today and told him that if he wanted something different than me go get her! I feel emotionally exhausted & also like I’m losing that strong independent part of myself!

On top of all of this we are working on his citizenship papers! & we just had 3 officers barge into our home at 630am yesterday! So multiple questions come up! You think he is controlling? What should I do if he is? I don’t want to leave, I hate divorce! If he is controlling can I fix it? Finally how do I make him and myself happy?
Thanx a lot
Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,
He is controlling and it’s a cultural thing as much as a personality thing.

You are right to suspect the type of relationship you’re in and would suggest couples counselling to work these issues out.

You need a third person there to help the both of you communicate better.

Your happiness within your marriage is the responsibility of both of you, not something that you need to work on by yourself.

Is it possible he’s using you for citizenship papers? Unfortunately, because of how you describe ypur married life I have suspicions.

If he won’t go to counselling then start the sessions on your own. And do your best to get a second car so that you have some independence once again.

Best wishes,
Rob

Does My Husband Even Need Me Anymore?

Hi Rob,

My husband & I are both 25 years old & have been married for nearly 3 years now.

He has been running his own home business for the past year & ever since then he’s been acting more & more selfish. Although I will say I am very lucky, in that we do love each other & he would never cheat on me & never goes out to drink or does those types of things.

He very much likes to stay home & work.

This is the issue, he works a lot, sometimes 17 hours per day, & although I understand that this is important for someone who runs their own company & he’s doing it for our future it’s just too much.

I have tried to tell him calmly how I feel & that I don’t mind that he works hard I just wish he would pull it back a little… He does try to do that, however I have to constantly push him & remind him to take a break & come have lunch/dinner or even come to bed to sleep for the night. If I’m not there he’ll rarely take a break or stop to think of me. I HATE nagging him to do it.

He can be selfish in the way that I will come home from my job in the evening at about 7.30pm, we’ll eat something, then he’ll go to visit his father for a few hours who lives near by. He doesn’t do this every night, but he works so much during the day that at night when I come home, I just want to be with him.

He’ll normally come home at about 10.30pm or even 11pm from his dad’s home, then we only have about 2 hours together to talk in bed before he falls asleep.

I have told him this is hurtful, & he will do it anyway.

So sometimes I will go with him to his fathers, even though I don’t really want to just so I can be with him. Mind you he has his lap top there & will work at the same time. I have asked him sometimes to please not go to his dad’s & stay with me & he’s reply is. ‘Well his my father’. And I will say, ‘well I’m your wife’. I don’t mind him visiting his Dad, just not at 8pm till 10.30pm
at night. That’s the time when we should be connecting at the end of the day together.

I am not highly demanding, I just want my husband to realize life is not just about him & his business & work, that there is more to a marriage than just supporting financial help. I just wish he would be a little less selfish & notice that at the end of the day I am his wife. It’s very hurtful & I cry about it alone allot.

Hope you can give me some ideas.
Thanks
Susie

Hi Susie,

I know exactly what you are going through… Sadly to say I have been that man.

You need to first off understand that he thinks he’s doing all he can for his “family” such as it is.

He is making money (hopefully) and is able to provide to you the basics… and this is not out of a needed, weird, self-desire to control you, but to offer you a great life through hard work.

He needs to understand how you need him, emotionally, not just as a great provider.

You need a date night… time together outside the home. A dinner, shopping chores, gardening…. I don’t care what it is. Time together, chit chatting like you used to do (although this might just bore him), but on a regular basis.

For the next three weeks, no more harping on him to spend tome with you. Connect with your girlfriends and begin a regular night out… your husband can’t be your only friend, right?
Enjoy yourself without him as he does his “duty” with visiting his father.

He understands that you are his wife… he’s not chasing other women, he’s not gambling away mortgage payments.. he just needs to miss you a couple of times to be reigned in again.

Everyone in a while the husband needs to remember that the wife has her own life too.

This will make a change and help you to lose some of your resentment about the way he spends his time. And the time you waste waiting for him.

You can have friends and plans to go out too.

This is the change you have to make to help him need you again, in front of others.

I hope this helps,
Rob