Face Reality When Re-creating A Healthy Relationship

Dear Rob,
I’m not sure how to explain my problem. My fiancĂ© can be very sweet and loving but he has an anger problem that I don’t like. He is very jealous. He does not want me having guy friends and I can’t even hug a guy without him getting mad.

One time I told him I was going off with one of my girlfriends and he got mad at me because he said he didn’t like her and didn’t want me to hang out with her. But while he was telling me this he was off with his guy friends.

It’s like he wants things to go his way all the time and if they don’t he gets mad.

If we get into an argument about something that he did he blames it on me no matter what. It’s always ” Well you must not love me as much as you say you do” and it’s like I don’t even know why that comes up.

One time we were talking about how unfaithful people are and he told me if he ever caught me cheating on him he would kill me. I know he’s just saying that to scare me. He has never so much as laid a finger on me.

Sometimes I don’t even like to confide in him things I’ve done in my past because he is very judgmental. One time he called me a whore and then apologized. But it’s so confusing because most of the time he is very loving. He will take me places and do stuff with me. And he spends all of his spare time with me. We are barely ever apart.

Should I stay with him? I just don’t know what to do. I love him with all of my heart but he can be so heartless sometimes like he doesn’t care at all.
Please help me,
Helen

Hi Helen,
Maybe you think he’s saying tough things like he’d kill you if you cheated on him but I think that he’s really drawing a line in the sand. What happens to you if he seriously suspects something is going on? I bet dollars to donuts that he’d beat you silly. His control over his own self-doubt is shaky at best.

When you become a victim to his hostility (verbal abuse and/or threatened physical abuse), when you allow yourself to be put down so that he can feel better of himself, when you allow a guy to not have to take the responsibility for how he makes you feel when he makes you sad or mad…
It’s time to show him the door.
Really, I only see things in your relationship getting worse.
He judges you, he rejects the fact that you are an independent woman that can think for herself. He is creating a world to hold you in, where you will only be able to do, act and think within his rules, which don’t apply to himself.

Put aside the ‘loving moments’, this guy is set on controlling you for his own benefit, not in a loving relationship based on mutual respect.
He wants to own you so that when he does hurt you, he can blame you for it, since you are only ‘property’ that is not allowed to have any real feelings that he should care about.

It’s time for you to stop being with him all the time. Carve out some time to be with your girlfriends and family, as soon as possible.

Healthy relationships are like trees, they only grow when the branches can spread out. Stop letting him prune you! Lay down the rules for your relationship and if he can’t accept them, dump him.
Best wishes,
Rob.

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