He is getting what he wants, what about me?

hi, i hope this works!!

i was searching random things on the internet when i happened across your site and thought that maybe this would be a good oportunity to get some answers… i’m young, only 19 so i’ll understand if you think i’m taking this way too seriously; but i’m also renowned for being very mature for my age. i’ve had a tough life as short as it is so i don’t normally put up with this kind of thing; but i also tend to be the sort of person or forgets to take care of herself as she always puts others first. i think this is what this is, and this is getting far out of hand.

i met a guy through a friend 2 and a half years ago; there was one of those “instant connections” i guess people like to call them, but i was hard about it and firm that i wasn’t going to let anything happen. he was super sweet and shy, i was more outgoing and forthcoming. i say what i think, mean what i say, and can be a bitch if i need to get the point across. i didn’t want a relationship and without even thinking of what he wanted i shut him out. besides seeing each other at work we didn’t associate; but there was always a closeness between us that in most people seems to lead to something…. if you let it. about 6 months ago the same friend had a graduation party; and she invited the same guy. we met up and after not seeing each other for nearly a year we started talking immediately. i’m usually very guarded around people especially guys but with him it’s always been natural to be touchy and close which is how i think things started. after the party i went home, without him; i never asked for an email, a number, just like before i made it clear i wasn’t interested.

he pawned my number off a friend and started texting me the very next day. after that, it was texting, every 10 minutes, from the early morning till late at night, or calling for a quick chat (we didn’t live in the same town). we started meeting up at parties or get togethers with friends. at first it was just talking but like i said before; it was always very touchy and close. i guess if i was smart i would have stopped it but i wasn’t looking for a relationship; it was just fun. our friends started to notice the way we acted around each other; the next thing i knew people are asking if we’re going out. i said no, thinking i’d just got out of a bad relationship so a friend was all i saw in him. after another week he showed up at work with flowers. drove me home or to places i needed to go. we started talking about very personal things, both of us. how we went from 0 to 160 in just a few weeks i have no idea… but i decided to talk to him about what we wanted. we both agreed a relationship might not be the best thing at the time. we were happy with that. but things just got worse. when we moved to the same city to start college we started seeing each other even more frequently. that same month we ended up sleeping together several times. again, driving me places, to and from school, buying me lunch… bringing me roses just because he “knew i liked them.” when i asked him if he wanted a relationship he again said no. by this time i was so confused i didn’t know what to think. he claims he has no feelings for me but i don’t know whether or not to believe him anymore. i guess we’re FWB; but i was always under the impression that FWB was no emotion. if that’s the case why does he kiss my forehead or hold my hand walking down the street? why did he sneak up behind me in the mall just yesterday when i was walking with my ENTIRE family, just to hug me and say hi? why did lastnight when he came over, he didn’t correct my older cousin (who rents with me) when she asked if we were still dating? then only 10 minutes after that crawl into my bed for the whole “benefits” thing? i don’t get it, why would he let my cousin believe that we are dating if to me he’s firm that we are only FWB? everyone laughs when we say we’re FWB. no one believes it. i don’t know if i do anymore either. i did before; i was fine with it, honestly; i mean i care about him but the fact that he was seeing other people (or at least i’m assuming he is i have no proof) never bothered me. as long as he was being safe it didn’t concern me. now i just want to know. i’ve asked but the answer is always the same. i don’t know what to think about his body language or the way he acts around me. i push him away and he pulls me back. i try to get the facts straight and he fights to keep them muddled. is he confused? or am i just a stupid fool being played for my body?

he’s had a lot of bad things happen; including bad relationships. up until now i’ve been letting that be the excuse for his odd behaviour. all i ever really think i wanted from this, was to help him figure things out. now maybe i’m realizing i’m making them worse? i tried breaking it off 2 weeks ago; he got so depressed he skipped 3 days of school. we made up, and since then he’s been beyond happy. i want him to be happy. but at the same time i want to know i’m doing the right thing. i don’t know if this is helping or hurting him. maybe even holding him back…. i don’t know guys i don’t even pretend to. that’s why i need your help? i’ve asked everyone i know if this is normal and everyone seems just as confused as i am. i’ve wondered if maybe i should just take the reigns and drop him again and just ignore the fact that it hurts him 🙁 or should i try to go back to the friends? just friends, no benefits, no touching, just friends? please help, because this is driving me to the end of my rope! there has to be something i can say or do to sort this all out….? hope to hear from you soon… sincerely, “a girl going mad”

Hi Girl Going Mad,
Sadly, in a few hundred words you’ve written the manual of how a guy can start a “friends with benefits” arrangement with a girl.
A little sweet talk, taking up all of her time with email, phone calls, texting, etc. Unexpected gifts and unexpected appearances round up how to hold her attention all the while saying you aren’t dating, there is no relationship, but thanks for the sex anyways.

And yes, likely he’s seeing other girls, or setting up his next FWB at the very least.

You need to do this immediately (or as soon as possible today!):
-Talk face-to-face with him and say “If you’re not going to give me a promise ring and start telling people we are “seriously” dating then I don’t want to see you again.

You have to be tough. He’s using you and telling you that he’s using you but you hold onto the hope that he will decide to be your boyfriend, all the while life is passing you by. He owes you either a future or a very big explanation.

You’ve wasted far too much time on this guy to have no “benefits” yourself and sex is not a benefit for you, it’s something you’re giving him for free.
Ugh.

I recommend being done with him, set him free and don’t look back. You’ve created a relationship that is not a relationship and you need to walk away from this now.

Email me and let me know what happens, at least I care what happens next and will listen to you.

Best wishes,
Rob

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