I Pushed Her Away and Now I Want Her Back

Dear Rob,
Hello, I am a 28 year old guy living in Minnesota.

I have been dating or I should say was dating my girlfriend for about 1 yr. Until she decided to break up with me.

She sent me an e-mail describing everything that was going on in her head and apologized for it being in e-mail form and then, texted me telling me to read the e-mail, and then invited me over to talk about it.

I went over there and talked to her about it but I just didn’t get it everything seemed to be going perfectly to me except for one thing.

She was a smoker and I vowed to never date a smoker. When I met her she said she didn’t plan on doing it forever which made me think that she was in the process of quitting.

I really liked her at the time and really wanted to give it a try. Well am I ever glad I did. I ended up falling in love with her and she the same.

The only problem was that I still had the problem with the smoking. I ended up saying some pretty hurtful things over the course of the last 6 months together from telling her that it disgusts me to telling her that it embarrassed me.

Now in all reality yes I half heartedly meant these things, but when I said things I exaggerated them into worse just to in a way make her want to quit.

Not only that but I wouldn’t kiss her for at least 3 hrs after each time she smoked. Now yeah I took it a little to far and I regret it and didn’t even like doing it at the time.

However, I thought that I was slowly working her into a decision to quit without me telling her to. I never should have done it, because deep down I would stay with her even though she smokes after knowing how much I deeply love her.

Well she finally got fed up with it and decided to break up with me telling me that I caused her to much anxiety and that she would always try to smoke at the most convenient time and everything but i would still get mad and make mean comments.

I told her that I was only doing it to try and get her to quit and that I only half meant the comments and that I would not say them anymore and deal with her smoking.

She in turn told me that she would still feel bad smoking around me cause I made such a big deal about it for so long.

I know that my distaste for smoking is nothing in comparison to how much I love her and could totally deal with it.

To top it off she told me that she felt like she was holding me back because I am a pretty active guy and want to go out to baseball games, rollerblading, to movies, and whatever else and she is completely happy sitting at home.

Now I am also completely happy sitting at home to, a lot of me wanting to go out and do stuff was because I wanted to do things with her, and to keep her interested in me and not get bored.

I was content with sitting and watching movies at home as well, and had I known that she felt like I was to active I would have not done as much.

I mean I was happy just spending time with her no matter what we did. I was trying to do it for her.

Anyways, to get on with the story, we broke up a few days ago.

The first day and when it happened she said she still loves me and wasn’t lying in the e-mail and then when I got there I cried the whole time I was there practically for 3 hrs and begged her to give it a chance.

And told her that I had know Idea the anxiety and how bad I made her feel about her smoking.

She wouldn’t budge and I ended up leaving broken hearted.

I talked to her a couple more times and still tried to get her to change her mind.

I am barely holding it together lately and everything reminds me of her.

We hung out the other day and when I got there she grabbed my arm and was all close for one second until she realized what she was doing and pulled away.

It half made me happy that she still wanted to but also made me sad that she was trying to have it be over.

She still had pictures up and everything and notes on the fridge that I had written her and hidden in the house and stuff.

I tried to just not talk about it at all that day and pretty much just hung out with her trying to have a good time so maybe she would realize what we had and that she shouldn’t give up.

Then it came time for me to leave because she had to go to work. I walked her to her car and gave her a big hug and told her that I would try to give her a week or so to think about things and try to give her some space.

I said I love you and kissed her on the forehead and was about to break down into a pile of mush so I had to turn to walk away to my car and let her go.

As I was walking away she said I love you too. I couldn’t have felt happier but we still aren’t together and she may have been just saying that for my benefit.

The next day she went online and changed her profile on myspace and facebook to have a status of single and also changed her picture from one of me and her to one of not me and her.

I was heart broken to see this and almost had to call her right on the spot but held back because I told her I would give her space.

Even though this is eating me up inside I hope that I am doing the right thing.
I just want to talk to her non-stop now and I just miss her so much.

I end up crying and thinking about her all day. I can’t seem to get my mind off of her.

It all just came so much out of the blue. She said she said stuff to me about it but I never remember hearing it.

She must have been implying it and me being a dumb guy can’t understand her hidden meanings.

I only wish I could turn back the clock and just not have been such a mean guy about her smoking.

I know now what my mistake was and am willing to change, want to change, and hope that she will give me a chance to prove that to her.

Please give me some advice on what to do from here, and am I going about this the right way?
Thank you,
Pete

Hi Pete,
Oh how we say things that have a different meaning to others…

I think that you’ve managed to build up a lot of animosity with your ex-girlfriend because of what you said and for how long you said it.

You are going to have to give her the freedom she seeks.

She acts the way she does around you because she still does care for you… but that doesn’t change the fact that she now wants to have some freedom in her life.

Give her two weeks of missing you… see what happens… but don’t go all mushy and plead with her to take you back.

The best way to get her back would be to spark some jealousy in her.

Let her find out from common friends that you’re doing well, that you’re looking to start dating, maybe that you are dating already.

If she still feels the loss of you after trying to spark her jealousy then you have a chance to get her back.

If you keep in contact with her, begging her to come back, you’ll just push her farther away.

Accept this is a sign of growth and look forward to a new episode in your life.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

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