My Boyfriend’s Sudden Behavior Change

Dear Rob,
You seem to have great advice on here for women that are dealing with insecure men. I thank you!

My question is about controlling men.

I figured out awhile back that my boyfriend was a control freak. I feel partially responsible that I let myself into this relationship. I thought if I acted differently that I would keep a relationship at the beginning of our relationship. I’m not saying that our whole relationship is a fluke, I do love him.

We have a 3 and a half year old and are expecting another one.

His family started noticing some violent behavior out of him a few months back.

It’s like the more I pushed him to be responsible and to get a job, the more violent he would become.

As soon as I say something, even if I’m just reminding him of obligations, he blows up and throws something or says he hates me and we’re over or he’s leaving. Which never happens.

Lately though, he is all of a sudden okay with me contacting friends, when he wasn’t before. He seems okay with everything.

It’s weird and makes me wonder if he really is okay with it.

When I got my license he was pissed! And right away I knew it was a control issue then.

We only have one vehicle right now and he’s always gone with it, helping people when he should be getting a job.

I’m thinking about getting my own vehicle, but he’s always been one of those “my money is my money” types and I’m afraid it’ll just sit in the drive-way because I’m unemployed too because of back injuries and pregnancy.

My question is, do you think that it’s real that he’s okay with this or where would this tantrum thing of his come from?

He seems like a mama’s boy by the way. I really want to work through this. I’ve been told that I’ll never change and I did.

There has to be something simple that will work. I started speaking up for myself a lot this past year, and it seems to be paying off finally. I’m hoping that is why he doesn’t care right now.

Hi ,
Sometimes guys are freaks and I think you have one.

But I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if he has been spying on you with your online and other activities so that he always “has you under his thumb”.

So watch yourself and change your passwords often, once a week or so.

As well, you said “boyfriend” not “husband” so I assume that marriage is not in the near plans… he may be overly using this “unmentioned freedom” to his advantage, not saying that he’s cheating but it would follow the behavior of being controlling, then giving you some freedom because he’s guilty about what he’s doing and figures that if you are happy and occupied you won’t notice his “stepping out”, so I’d watch his behavior a little more closely, and how he spends his money.

This is a great time to start a “family budget” so you can plan for your own vehicle.

You need to know about the money coming in and going out, income and expenses.

If he refuses, well, he’ll need a really good reason to not let you know where “his” money goes, right?

Really, it’s “family money” isn’t it?

This is used to support you and “his kids” not just himself and you and the kids as an afterthought.

I hope I haven’t made things worse but you need to know these things and understand exactly why his behavior has changed… is it just that your behavior has been more positive and assertive or is he just hiding something?
Best wishes,

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