My Date Turned Sexual Too Fast

Hi Rob,
I very rarely need expert advice, but this one is a real conundrum and I hope you can help me.

Quick background:
I am a thirty five year old male professional. I am successful, have above-average looks, I am intelligent and I have a very good sense of humor. In summary, while I have to work at it, I generally do well with women and I am able to date very attractive women.

The scenario:
I met up with a good female friend and her friends late one Saturday night a few weeks ago. One of her friends was gorgeous and cool and we hit it off right away. At the end of the night we let everybody peel away and ended up with an intense make-out session at this lounge downtown.

I called her the next evening and we went on a second date. We drank quite a lot but really clicked mentally. We ended up climbing on top of each other again both while on the town and on the cab ride home. She was very attracted to me (talking dirty etc. but she is also very sweet and intelligent)

I asked her out on a third date for the next Saturday night while on the second date (second date was on Tuesday).

I received two very positive texts from her saying that she also had a great time and that she wanted to go on Saturday if she “got back from her parent’s place on time on Saturday.” (Her parents live in the suburbs.)

She blew me off on Saturday night (I called once and then left one message saying that I was leaving in 45 min. if she still wanted to come).

I called her again on Tuesday, left a brief “hello” message, told her to give me a call, and then got off the phone quickly. She did not answer or return my call. I have let it go for two weeks, but would really like to get her on another date. There was tons of chemistry between us. All of my friends (both male and female) are as baffled as I am at this scenario.

I do not want to act like a fool by continuing to call, but I feel as if I should at least give it one more “Hail Mary” just to make sure that I am out. Something weird could have happened and I want to make sure that there has been no miss-communication I want to cover all the bases before I let a girl of this caliber get away.
Any advice?
Hank

Hi Hank,
It sounds to me that you’ve had two heavy dates. Both times alcohol was involved, both times the dates went sexually “hot and heavy” and ended with no regrets.

But now, when trying for that third date, her feeling of regret has crept in. That’s why she’s not answering or returning your calls and that’s why she’s blowing you off when you do talk to her.

Pulling back the sexual action is the only way to save this possible dating relationship. She’s overstepped her “safe boundaries” and now feels that the next date will throw her over the cliff of sexual expectations and actions. Her not wanting to speak with you re-enforces the fact that she’s feeling regret and embarrassment as well as insecurity that the sexual overtones of the time you spend together is outside of her usual behavior.

Talk again to the mutual friends that you have. Ask them if she’s the type to be so “active” on dates. They’ll have some ideas for you to follow up on as far as your next steps go.

Your last chance “Hail Mary” contact should be a small gift, maybe flowers, to show a side of you that is more than a party animal, more than a guy going out for a good time. And on a date that is different from what you’ve been doing so far with her.
Flowers.
Balloon bouquet.
Candy basket.
The included card says “[Your name] the romantic. Meet me at XXXX for dinner”. XXXX is the name of the restaurant, a mid-week date and early evening time for your slow, safe, romantic dinner date. Or a short dinner and a fun date. Bowling. Arcade games. Mini golf. Bingo.
And no matter what happens, when you take her home after this date, you drop her off and end the date then and there. If she invites you in for coffee, you tell her you need to slow down the relationship, coming in maybe not the best idea and that you need to now that she’s OK with that.
And go home.

If she’s really gorgeous, she’s used to guy’s hitting on her for sex. She’s had enough of guys trying to possess her. She wants to preserve herself when she meets a guy that she’s really into, but there aren’t any rules for her to follow without ending up seeming to be a prude.

This is what you have to change about your approach.

Think about creating a long-term relationship rather than making a new notch on your bedpost. This type of male behaviour will be new to her. She’ll respect you for it. And you’ll be setting the tone for the relationship to progress more naturally, without the sexual overtones that are likely scaring her away.

When dates turn too sexual too fast the natural tendency is to avoid the conflict. Stop answering calls. Stop being available. Save your self-esteem by not facing the person that you went “too far” with.

Whether you’re the guy or the girl, if you need to put the brakes on the sexual side of your dates as soon as you feel you’ve “gone too far” do it. Don’t be intimidated by “society’s influence” on the way sex in represented in TV shows and the movies. That’s called entertainment, this is called your life and your future.

If the girl or the guy you’re dating is put off by your sudden decision to slow down on the sex part of your dates, then it’s better you learn this early in the relationship rather than later. You’ll know how you’ve been seen/used by the person you’re with.

If you’re being treated as a “sex date” rather that a possible “relationship date” it’s only up to you to change the future way you’re being treated. Even couples that have decided to be “friends with benefits” at least know the ground rules of being together.

Become the “safe date” where sex isn’t the immediate goal of the date.
Show that you’re putting the brakes on the sexual aspect of being together. Change the places of the dates from bars to places where you can both be together doing something that is fun, interactive and likely outside of what a normal date would be.

You’re future of dating this girl is in the next actions you make.
Best wishes,
Rob.

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