Well, I am in a very common situation as I have come to find out. I was engaged and getting married in a couple of months to the love of my life.
We had bought a townhome together last fall and began making wedding preparations. Well at the end of the year while we were doing the bills I had come across a very expensive cell phone bill and asked my fiancé about it. I then saw that he had over 400 text messages listed to one number and immediately started to panic. Of course by this time he had begun his excuses. To make a long story short I had called the number and over a months time I had found out it was a 16 year old girl that he was having inappropriate sexual conversations with on and off for a year. He is 27.
We immediately started pre-marital counseling even though I was extremely hurt and I had involved his parents as well because they had invested a lot of money into the wedding. Well unfortunately after a few sessions (that were pointless because he was still lying to me as well as the therapist) I had a funny feeling that there was more to the story and pressed further. After another months time of prying and pressing I unfortunately discovered he was having an affair with his co-worker for over a year and a half. I cancelled the wedding on that note-god knows what else I was going to find out.
To be honest I am in shock! I never saw it coming, he never had funny phone calls or came home late. This other girl who I had the pleasure of talking to told me he never even told her he had a girlfriend or the people at his job. I have found out that he had many active dating sites with his profile even though we have been together for 4 years.
I am in crisis. He is the first person I gave my whole heart to and I don’t know what to do now. We are still living together as I can’t afford to move out or do I have family to go live with. He is basically on his hands and knees trying to get me back but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again. The story is more complex but I feel you get the just of it… Please I beg you to give me some sound advice. I am in a scary predicament-don’t know what to do.
You really only have three choices:
1. Continue counseling
2. Kick him out
3. Continue counseling while kicking him out
I am a fan of number 3 because he did you very wrong. If he wants to prove himself to you, to prove his love to you, he needs to start over, and that should happen apart from you.
Guys that are this way, so pathetic, so narcissistic, really don’t understand what they did wrong, that’s why effective counseling is needed. That is also why this healing time (if you can heal) is done while living apart. He will be better prepared to make his life decisions when he doesn’t have you to directly account his actions to.
Really, I think you need a vacation from him and all this stress that he has caused. There is NO way you’ll be able to trust him any time soon… and you’ll hate yourself if you take him back under the current conditions.
If counseling isn’t working now, please try another counselor, not every one is great or effective despite our best intentions of looking for help in counseling.
I hope I have helped,