My Friend Is A Cheater

Dear Rob,
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding.

At the same time she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiancé.
They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for Christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package.

She says that she loves this guy dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with her fiancé while she is also in love with this other guy. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can’t stop “When I’m with this guy I just can’t tell him no”.

What is a best friend to do? I can’t tell her anything, she won’t hear it. I tried to tell her that I don’t want to be a part of it anymore, that I can’t sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man.

But after telling her that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. She says I’m judging her and abandoning her and that I’m just a fair-weather friend.
I don’t know what else to do. It breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?
– ExBestFriend

Hi ExBestFriend,
You really have an honest definition of friendship, don’t you?
You have tried to talk to your friend, your “Maid of Honor” about her cheating ways, to no avail.
You have stood by her while she cheats on her fiancé with another man that she says she also loves too much to give up.
You’ve done your best, much more than any friend I would ever suggest to get involved into.

When your best friend loses their way it’s a friends duty to suggest corrections to their behavior.
When your best friend starts to cheat in their romances and you’re aware of it, it’s time to lay down the laws of your friendship, tell your best friend to make the necessary changes to their life or lose your friendship.
She has put you in an impossible position. No doubt when her life crashes around her and she loses one or both of the men in her life she will come crying to you for consolation.
This is no longer your place.
You must end your friendship and let her ruin her own life without dragging you into her sordid mess of a life.

You are judging her. You are not abandoning her.
You are forcing her to look at the the choices she’s made and the lies she’s continuing to live with.
You are forcing her to make a choice if not between the two men in her life, at least to choose between your honest and open friendship and the lies she has surrounded herself with.
You are not a fair-weather friend, she’s placing her own selfish interests ahead of everyone else in her life.

Good for you for calling attention to the value of your friendship with her.
Stand by your convictions, your beliefs, your honesty.
Let her self-destruct without you.
Don’t help her to continue this lie.
Let this cheating trailer-trash have both her men and the failed life she is soon to encounter.

You help me to believe that there are still honest friends out there in this big bad, sad world of ours. True friends offer help, support and caring to others that need it. True friends don’t fight loosing battles for friendship when they know that the trouble lays with the choices the other has made and does not want to correct.

You will find another close friend that shares your attitudes about life, high standards and valued caring for those around you.
I wish you well,
Rob.

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