My Loser Relationships

Dear Rob,
I have problems with relationships and therefore think I have a problem. I will give you a few scenarios: firstly, I’ve never been in a serious relationship, at 19 I guess it isn’t particularly abnormal, but the situations I have been in might appear to be. About a year and a half ago, when I was 17, I decided I liked this guy at work, before I’d admired people from afar and had it go no further or ignored people who were interested in me; but this time it was different; he liked me too! Except, he’d kissed my friend who also worked there whilst he had a girlfriend.

He began to peruse me after that had happened, and needless to say, got with me and had me round his house to stay on two occasions, I had dinner with his family once; he’d broken up with his girlfriend of 11 months by this point, and a week after I stayed there and we kissed etc. he was going out with someone else and I only found out through myspace, broke up with her after 3 weeks. This scenario was over the space of months, most of the flirting he did on msn, he was very good with words and charming me, but he was always hot and cold, he’d tell me he wanted me and I’d shoot him down as I always knew he had a girlfriend, once he didn’t even speak to me for a week because I told him I thought he was a manslag.

Anyway, he also had kissed my friend from work again and got jealous of her boyfriend. He ended up playing us both again over summer, and then ended up getting with her best friend as well, telling me he wanted her; id been on holiday and just before that he was saying he wanted me. He still, however, managed too get me to stay there a night after that declaration claiming he didn’t know what he wanted, whilst I was there he told me he’d go out with me if he wasn’t going to uni. Then I found out through my work friends friend that he’d also been saying that kinda stuff to the work friend over the summer!

So I told her and started to ignore him, had quit the job anyway and was about to go to uni; it was hard but I managed it. So, it took me 4 months to get over him once I was at uni, and didn’t see any guys really, was still infatuated. Once I got over it he e-mailed me and I got annoyed, we had a full on argument on myspace; in which he called me a stuck up bitch, a little school girl with not many friends, and admitted he didn’t give a shit about me. The next week he asked me on msn whether I was still annoyed, I said yes and he said I’d turned stuck up, so I told him that he pissed me off and that he clearly hated me anyway.. blocked him, deleted him and told him to have a nice life.

The next guy I liked was at uni, taking a year out, met him through my 2 best uni mates out clubbing, very mad and live for the moment sort of people. I was never interested really, I let him and his mates and my mates get on with there antics; I didn’t get involved, I knew he’d done stuff with my mate though. Debateable whether he was still with his girlfriend at the time; (although it is reputed he’s still sleeping with his ex even now), in January however, he kissed me (he’d kissed me and my other mates on this wild night, however he singled me out and kissed me for ages), and my feelings changed; he then started flirting with me, whenever I’d stay round theirs with the others he’d do nothing but hold my hand. He used to ask about me etc.

This flirtation went on for about a month, then he had sex with my friend (who he’d done stuff with before) the night when I didn’t let him in my room, we’d kissed but he expected more and I wasn’t going to give it, he didn’t seem dismayed though, he knew I was different to my friends already, he however after he’d done it, admitted to me he didn’t like her, slagged her off as she’d done some bad stuff etc. After that he still would flirt with me and R on the same night out, but be a little more discreet with my friend, make sure I didn’t see everything. He never asked for my number, told me he wanted another girls number although he knew I liked him, I just never admitted it, he’d been told through friends, kissed me and stuff again, and then that was it really. Don’t see him much anymore out yet I still like him, he’s still hot and cold even now. I’m getting over it now. I thought he probably just wanted sex, am still not sure though as when I stayed round those few times he never pushed it. He once hadn’t flirted with me all night at all, and still stroked me on the sofa, got up eventually saying he couldn’t sleep and was going upstairs, in this time I got the free bus back home.

The next guy is G, a guy I met out yet he didn’t go to uni, part time college student and chef. Spoke to him one night in February, but not a lot, felt a definite attraction though. Saw him the next week and he confessed that he’d wanted to pull me and so had his brother; he made some sexual jokes yet he was harmless. He singled me out and spoke to me pretty much the whole night. I was tipsy, he was sober; we talked general chit chat really, mainly me talking, I told him I usually go for losers and he said he was a nice guy, and his mates did too; yet he did ask me what I’d do to pull someone, and he told me how he would.

He’d done everything he said, looked at me and hoped I’d be looking back etc. He offered to drive me home although he lived in a different town and had work at 9am, it was 4am by this point; so he did, and when we got back we kissed for a while in his car, I was gonna leave but he told me not too yet, he was really sweet. He said he wasn’t sure what was gonna happen before; said what should we do now? Exchange numbers or wait until we see each other out, and laughed and said that’s how bothered I am; he offered to walk me back to the flat and I declined, he said he’d text me the next day.

He never did, and I text him a week later saying how are you, he never replied. Then I hadn’t been out on a weekend for 3 months, leading to now, in the past week I’ve seen him 4 times and he’s pretty much ignored me; the first 2 nights we blanked each other; and on the 3rd I tapped him on the shoulder, he put his arm round me, said you alright darling, then said he was leaving to get some food.

Saw him again last night and he looked at me, so I waved and he gave a faint wave back; then he looked at me later but ignore me, then I said hi to him at another area of the bar, there was some girl walking behind him and so he ignored me; then I turned round to see him kissing that girl whilst looking at me! So now I’m officially over it, am never attempting to speak to him again, and when I see him will just blank him completely.

So.. really my problem is, where am I going wrong? I have turned down guys who are genuinely interested in me in favor of these select few who weren’t. Why do I seem to form a quite deep attachment to people like this and set myself up for upset, which they all have done!
Thanks for your time,
Sad.

Hi Sad,
I think that you’re just lowering your expectations of how you should be treated and the guys are instinctively following your cues.
No rushed sex, but small steps of being led on.

I think you put too much pressure on yourself.
You’re putting too much emphasis on being with someone rather than being happy as a single woman.

Take some time for yourself… invest more in making yourself a happy single person, with high standards and a person that should be treated with dignity and respect, not a toss on a drunken night.

On my website is a book “Catch Him and Keep Him”. I think that book will help you to see the light… to gain a new perspective on relationships, their true value and how to find a guy that is much more than the current flow of idiots you’ve been with so far.
Best wishes,
Rob.

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