Only The Weather Changes, Guys Don’t

Dear Rob,
I’m not sure if my fiancé is controlling or not.

He is very jealous. He gets mad if a guy even looks at me. He doesn’t want me to have guy friends. If we get into an argument about something he has done wrong he always tries to make it seem like its my fault. He is in bootcamp for the army and he wrote a couple of letters to his ex.

When I found out I told him that if he wrote her one more letter that we were over. He said “Well obviously you don’t love me as much as you say you do if you would break up with me for that”.

See what I mean about him turning everything around on me?

He has told me about dreams he has had where he caught me cheating on him and in one of them he said he threw a cell phone at my head. I don’t think he would ever really do that to me or put his hands on me in anyway but then why would he have a dream like that. He does have an anger problem but he has never hurt me but I’m worried. When we get married will he change?
Help me please,

Hi D,
I think that you need to take a step back at your life as it is now and how you feel it will be once your married. Make a list of everything.
(1) What you do now on your own;
(2) What you do together and;
(3) The things you want to change about both.

If you see anything that you want to be changed about your fiancé, how he acts now compared to how you want him to act when he’s your husband, postpone the marriage. I strongly recommend couples counseling before your marriage.
Him sending letters to his ex shows that he has no regard for your feelings about him. He’s looking for attention and comfort that he feels he can’t get from you. (Unless they have a child together and he’s sending the letters addressed to his ex but meant for his child then this would be a part of your life, being involved with his ex and child, that will go on for at least 18 more years.)

People don’t change because there is a ring on their finger. What you see now is who you’ll have in the future. The only person you can change is yourself and I don’t recommend changing into the type of person he wants you to be: obedient, subservient, under his control.

From what you’ve told me your fiancé tries to intimidate you, control you and blame you. He tells you his threatening dreams to scare you. Marriage won’t change any of this from happening in the future. And I bet that he’ll keep in touch, see anyone, anywhere, no matter your feelings. You’ll be placed second to what he wants to do whether it’s good for the both of you or just something he wants to do for himself.

If you can get him into counseling then great. I am thinking that, however, he’ll start an argument with you about it, blame you for wanting him to be someone he isn’t and threaten to break up with you.

It’s up to you to decide your future but don’t let your future be forced onto you.
Best wishes,

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