Tag Archives: advice

Why You’re Not Dating The One You Love

Hi Rob,
I’m in a problem here and I need your advice badly.

I have told this amazing girl I love her right, so I told her and I asked her out all fine but she said she didn’t have feelings for me and never has. I’ve known her for around 8 years now and we know each other well.

I think she might have feelings for me now but I have asked her out again after the first time and she again said no. So back to she might have feelings for me now, I’m not sure and I can’t really tell but we have shared a drink, a chocolate bar and such we went rollerblading in a park.

She was tired and asked me to help her so I pushed her from behind right, I couldn’t tell if she was flirting or anything so I’m very confused now.

We each fell a few times and I helped her up politely, when I grabbed her hand for the help she smiled. We sat close together and talked so I’m not sure anymore and I don’t wanna ask her out again because I don’t want to put her back in to the situation she had before that.

What should I do should? Do I give up on the person I love or keep waiting. I guess this is a good time toe say that I’ve waited about 1 year because she was going out with other guys before that… I would like you help.
Thanks, Chip

Hi Chip,
Let me tell you a story:
When I was a teenager there was this girl that I loved.
I knew from friends that she liked me, but even though we hung around with the same group of friends she was always going with someone else. We even had some time together when we talked. Serious stuff. The future, the things we liked. Even secrets about our friends that others didn’t know.
These times together happened every few months for years. But, afraid of rejection and maybe the idea that I could never measure up to her old boyfriends, I never asked her out.
Never.
Even though I thought that I loved her.

Years later, a couple of months before she was to be married, she asked me why I never asked her out.
I didn’t have an answer.
After all, I thought that I loved her.
I thought that we had a special bond, a special understanding.
I thought that the time was just never perfectly right to ask her out and even though all the time we did spend together I was afraid of rejection.
I thought that I wasn’t cool enough, good looking enough and a thousand other excuses why I never actually took that first step and asked her out on a date or gave her a kiss.

Chip, you are in this place.
You are watching her date other guys, waiting for her to ‘realize’ that you are the One.
Well, let me tell you, you’re not the One unless you step up to the bat and ask her out on a real date.
A one-on-one date. No friends involved.

Now then, here are the things you have done wrong so far:
– You told her you loved her.
– You’re too afraid to actually ask her out.
– You’re too scared, too shy, to afraid to take the initiative and react like a boyfriend when you share those special close times.
– You are waiting for her to ask you for a date.

Face it, any of the above are just reasons why you’re not together.

The only way to date her is this:
– Ask her out as soon as she’s single again. Actually maybe a week or two after a breakup. But don’t wait for another guy to swoop in.
– Stop saying you love her. Sure, maybe you think that you do, but that is wussy talk. Love comes right before marriage. Horniness and raging hormones comes before asking her out. So, take control of your emotions and behave like a man, not a wussy.
– If she’s dating some other guy right now, you date some other girl. Don’t be afraid to date and certainly, stop waiting in the shadows. You never know, she might just reject you as a boyfriend because you’ve been such a wuss. By dating other girls you can show that you do have something that other girls like and this will help her to see you as boyfriend material instead of the wussy guy-friend you’ve been so far.

Chip, this is the advice you asked for. Use it.
Best wishes,
Rob.

I Want To Date A Friend That’s Dating Someone Else

Dear Rob,
I have this friend and her name is “Girl”.
She is like my best friend but I’ve been wanting to go out with her ever since I met her but she already has a boyfriend named “Jeff” and I can see she is not really happy with him.

And if I ask her out and she says no what will that do to our friendship.
Should I ask her out or not? And if I do, then how?
Sincerely,
Wanting to be more than just friends

Hi Wanting,
No, you do not ask her out since she’s already dating. I’d suggest getting yourself an available girl to date. Look around and stop being so focused on one girl.

Maybe, just maybe, if she sees you dating someone else, or she does break up with her current boyfriend, you can step in and ask her out.
But with her dating someone else, and you supplying the emotional support and friendship she can’t get from him, she’s got an easy life.

Always, if you want to date a friend that’s already dating someone else, you have to step back and give her the chance to miss you.
Stop being her support that she isn’t getting from her current boyfriend and if there is anything real between both of you she’ll see it and break up with the guy she’s dating currently.
Once she realizes that you’re not as available as you were, and she asks you why, you can tell her honestly that you want to be more then friends and it’s not right for you to be involved as a friend, and wanting more, while she’s dating someone else.

She will appreciate your honesty and she just might dump that other guy. But it won’t happen while you’re hanging around, that’s for sure. And to make a move while she is involved with someone is just pathetic.
Best wishes,
Rob.

He Flirts But Wants To Stay Single

Dear Rob,
I’ve become good friends with this guy in such a short period of time, since the beginning of my school year basically. I’ve gotten to know him better and I started having feelings for him.

When I told him about it, he said he didn’t want a girlfriend because this is our last year of high school and he wanted to have fun. My friends get confused because every time I’m with him he flirts with me and they think he likes me. I let the whole “I like him” thing go, I tried moving on and forget everything.

A few months ago, there was this joke about us sleeping together when we go to NY with our school, I didn’t think he was serious but he was.

A few days before Valentines day, he said he’d be my boyfriend for the day because he knew I didn’t like that day since I’m single, and as a joke I said to him “What are you getting me for Valentine’s day?” and he said, a big kiss. Anyways to get to my point, he kissed me on Valentines day after school but I didn’t think he’d do it.

When I had asked him, “where’s my kiss” I was laughing so when he kissed me I laughed. On instant messenger later that night, he was complaining because we didn’t do it right. He wants to redo that kiss sometime this week.

I am really confused, I don’t know if this guy is just using me to get in bed with him or if he really likes me.

He talks to me as if he does like me, but then again when I look at him with other girls, he flirts with them as much as he does with me. The thing that I don’t understand is, why would he kiss me if I wouldn’t mean anything to him? Why would he even want to redo the kiss? I really like this guy, I don’t want to be just a ticket in bed. Do you think there’s any hope or is he just leading me on?
Thanks, Jill

Hi Jill,
Go with your gut:
He’s said that he doesn’t want a girlfriend and just wants to have fun.

This guy won’t commit.
He may lie to you and say that he’s changed his mind, but really, he won’t/isn’t. He may be playing you for sex.

The flirting and everything is because you’re a ‘safe target’. He can be “close friends” with you, play around talking in a sexual way but this won’t lead to anything other than him having a bigger ego, maybe even scoring with you, but in the end you’ll be left behind because he’s intent on ‘future conquests’ that will be available in his coming years after high school.

It’s OK to stay friends with him, but I don’t suggest going beyond that at all.
Unless you’re looking for some hurt.

Keep your lips to yourself.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Am I A “Friend With Benefits” Or Dating This Guy?

Hi Rob,
I have been seeing Charlie* for about 5 months. Charlie* is and engineer and works late, which means its hard to see him regularly because of late shifts. Usually on his early days or days off we’ll get together for dinner or a drink. This results in an over night stay at his place. We have been sleeping together sexually for about 3 months and it is monogamous. I told him that I am attracted to him and his response was “I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I am interested in you.” What’s that mean and how am I supposed to act towards him?

I took the comment as us being friends with benefits. But friends don’t pay for dinner or drinks every time and refuse to take money when someone offers to help out with the bill. I am very confused with how he treats me. I am really into Charlie* and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m not pushy with it but I need a man’s advice on what to in a situation like this. Do I stick around and wait for him to see that I am relationship material or what? Or is it a lost cause and should I just remain friends?
-In a dilemma

Hi dilemma,
He won’t change, you need to.
Change boyfriends, that is.

And I wouldn’t even call him about it. You can be his big loss.

Guys that have ‘friends with benefits’ are the biggest users around. They get everything they want/need without caring how the other person actually feels. I bet you’ve had many sleepless nights wondering what’s going on while he beside you snoring away.

As for him paying the bills, that can be one of two things:
he realizes that he makes more money than you, so he pays, or
he figures it’s the least that he can do, to keep the benefits rolling in (without realizing that he’s practically prostituting you!)

You need to end this and find someone to settle down with, pronto.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Meeting For The First Time

Hi Rob,
I was wondering if I could have the chance to ask your advise?

I met this guy online about 5 months ago and he lives in Cairo, Egypt. Everyday for the past 5 months we talk faithfully online with Instant Messaging and we both have web cameras so we see each other, and we talk on the phone and also send letters to each other. I have met his parents and 2 brothers and sister-in-law, and niece, and I chat with them too.

Ok, my question to you is, I know that him and I come from 2 different worlds, which includes culture and religion. We have talked about this before and I don’t have any problems with this, I really think that I love him in my heart, and that he is my soul mate. I want to fly to Egypt in February or March 2007, and we want to get married. Do you think that I would be a fool to do this?? Or should I just go with what my heart feels?

I would appreciate your advise or opinion.
Thank you
Carol

Hi Carol,
Making such life changing decisions before you actually meet this guy in his world, in his lifestyle, is a mistake. You’ll be rushing love before you been know how he smells. Whether he chews his food with his mouth open. If he showers daily.

You need to do a lot of background research on his culture and religion and how women fit into this life you are possibly joining.
You need to know how you will be supported, if you will be needing to work.
You need to know if you will remain living where he is or you will return ‘home’ at some point.

If you do go and meet him face to face, and by all means do, keep the visit short, 7 days at the most. Have a hotel booked. Stay there yourself.
DO NOT go and be dependent upon him for travel, food, accommodations.
If he wants you to stay with him you will be dependent on him and things could easily turn bad.
Keep your passport in the hotel safe.
Be sure you have family and friends that you have told what is happening, that you will call at prearranged times during your visit.

Be careful and truth that he is the love you think he is.
But be prudent and have an escape plan if things don’t turn out.
Best wishes,
Rob.