Tag Archives: cheater

Advice For The Other Woman

Dear Rob,
Okay, my boyfriend was married, YES, he had been faithful for 18 years. We “swept” each other off our feet. In one month we were living together, in one more, he had doubts and eventually decided he wanted his wife back. She didn’t want him. He moved out. We never stopped dating.

It is 13 months later. His divorce is final except for the 90 day waiting period.

We get along great. He is a wonderful man. He loves me. He just can’t seem to heal from the marriage breakup. He did go to a half dozen counseling sessions. He will not make plans with me further out than a month. He will not buy me little gifts, or say really special things to me.

He says he needs time.

I can’t believe how painful this is. I have been waiting 10 months now, and I want to wait longer because I love him so much. Am I crazy?

It is so illogical to me that he can’t move on and be with someone who is great for him.

We have tried multiple times to take breaks but he always calls me and I give in after 5-7 days.
Thank you,
Sally

Hi Sally,
While it’s not illogical for him to have a hard time moving on, I think that because of his recent actions, ending his marriage (whether by choice or because the wife didn’t want a cheating husband), filing and following through on the legal aspects of divorce and ultimately maintaining contact with you he shouldn’t be so confused as to where he heart lies.

Sadly, I feel that he is rediscovering himself right now, through this “finalization period” and he doesn’t feel that you’re the person to share his new life. He’s ‘rebounding’ from the excitement of the affair to the reality of being suddenly single and giving up all he had with his wife.

The excitement of the affair has turned into a crime with consequences. And he’d jump at the chance to reconcile with his wife.

You said that you’re tried to take “breaks” but then he calls you and you agree to see him, start dating, sleeping together, again. His uncertainty of his own future is driving your future into the ground!

He is using you while he goes through this “life transition”, a warm body to share his bed with when he feels the need.

It’s time to go beyond simple little breaks, it’s time to drop him like a hot potato before you get even more burned.

If you’re so great for him, he’d see it. He doesn’t.

He gives you no tokens of love and appreciation. He doesn’t whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

Exactly what are you waiting for?

You’ve paid the price and he is who you got. And based on his actions, you’re not enough to hold his attention any longer.

Dump him. Let him grow up. Maybe in a few months you can get together again. But stop being his “warm body” while he decides where he wants to be. I really feel he doesn’t want to be with you.
And you could do so much better.
Best wishes,
Rob.

My Fiancé Was Cheating On Me!

Dear Rob,
Well, I am in a very common situation as I have come to find out. I was engaged and getting married in a couple of months to the love of my life.

We had bought a townhome together last fall and began making wedding preparations. Well at the end of the year while we were doing the bills I had come across a very expensive cell phone bill and asked my fiancé about it. I then saw that he had over 400 text messages listed to one number and immediately started to panic. Of course by this time he had begun his excuses. To make a long story short I had called the number and over a months time I had found out it was a 16 year old girl that he was having inappropriate sexual conversations with on and off for a year. He is 27.

We immediately started pre-marital counseling even though I was extremely hurt and I had involved his parents as well because they had invested a lot of money into the wedding. Well unfortunately after a few sessions (that were pointless because he was still lying to me as well as the therapist) I had a funny feeling that there was more to the story and pressed further. After another months time of prying and pressing I unfortunately discovered he was having an affair with his co-worker for over a year and a half. I cancelled the wedding on that note-god knows what else I was going to find out.

To be honest I am in shock! I never saw it coming, he never had funny phone calls or came home late. This other girl who I had the pleasure of talking to told me he never even told her he had a girlfriend or the people at his job. I have found out that he had many active dating sites with his profile even though we have been together for 4 years.

I am in crisis. He is the first person I gave my whole heart to and I don’t know what to do now. We are still living together as I can’t afford to move out or do I have family to go live with. He is basically on his hands and knees trying to get me back but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again. The story is more complex but I feel you get the just of it… Please I beg you to give me some sound advice. I am in a scary predicament-don’t know what to do.
Broken-hearted

Hi Broken-hearted,
You really only have three choices:
1. Continue counseling
2. Kick him out
3. Continue counseling while kicking him out

I am a fan of number 3 because he did you very wrong. If he wants to prove himself to you, to prove his love to you, he needs to start over, and that should happen apart from you.

Guys that are this way, so pathetic, so narcissistic, really don’t understand what they did wrong, that’s why effective counseling is needed. That is also why this healing time (if you can heal) is done while living apart. He will be better prepared to make his life decisions when he doesn’t have you to directly account his actions to.

Really, I think you need a vacation from him and all this stress that he has caused. There is NO way you’ll be able to trust him any time soon… and you’ll hate yourself if you take him back under the current conditions.

If counseling isn’t working now, please try another counselor, not every one is great or effective despite our best intentions of looking for help in counseling.
I hope I have helped,
Best wishes,
Rob.

My Cheating Fantasy

Dear Rob,
Ok here it goes.

I have known and worked with this man for 13 years.

He is married. We were friends and have this huge connection.

Over the years he has expressed feelings for me and I to him but I have made it clear that we cant be lovers until he leaves his wife.

He accepted that, but said he was afraid.

He is 51 and I am 36.

e loves women, flirts madly all the time with all women.

They seem to make him feel good about himself.

He never flirts with me. Just when we are out of the work context on a staff night out, he ignores them all and comes for me.

I kept turning him down.

This guy is a pretty straight talker and others see the cracks in his marriage, but I had a father who cheated on my mother, so find it hard to trust without evidence or actions.

Anyway, this went on and on, us acting like colleagues, then this conversation happens on nights out.

Until last year.

Last year, I accused him of ignoring me on a night out. He went berserk, said it was always his fault, would not talk to me for months.

Then we had another night out and we were ok, but out of the blue he started to run down how I looked. His eyes were black.
I asked him why he said it, when he knew I loved him and he told me to say that to him in work, once and for all, sober.

I didn’t cause he had hurt me and being honest, I don’t show emotion, I am terrified of being close to anyone and I suppose the truth was, I just pretended nothing happened.

About a week afterwards, he came into my office and made small talk, made a big attempt to look upset, then as I left he said ‘is that it then?’ After that he ignored me, shunned me etc.
We parted due to work for three months. Just beforehand I rang him to say take it ok over summer, because I love him.

He was ok but distant and sounded a little upset..but basically cold.

We met up again recently, working together, I made an effort, he was cautious which was to be expected, but generally we got on better than we have done in years.

Then during the week I got dressed up for a meeting, not sexy now, jumper and stuff, but I usually down myself and he would not look at me.

I mean, he tried to ignore me and when I forced the issue he actually turned away from me.

The next day I passed him and he looked at me, then ignored me and started chatting up this foreign girl..I mean big time.

I showed I was upset but accepted he probably has moved on.

Made no inroads on him. Now he runs away from me when he sees me.

What is going on?

The last detail is that he accused me of worrying too much what people thought the night he insulted how I looked.

The day before I dressed for meeting, he came into the lunch room, saw me, sat next to me but ran off.

So I thought he would feel awkward if I stayed so I left. After that he seemed hurt and nasty.
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
You’ve invested too much of yourself into this married man.

You tell me that you’ve been stung by a cheater because of what your dad did to your mother but you’re doing exactly what you said you don’t want to do!

Just because there hasn’t been any sex doesn’t mean you’re not cheating in your heart, in your fantasies.

Move on from him, I’d think you’d see past his little mind games and be able to maturely move on with your life.

If you were my sister I’d be writing online profiles for you to post of yourself on some online dating services.

Seriously, you need to move on from this stage of your life.

You have a big heart but refuse to love only what you deny yourself. That isn’t healthy or wise.

Please find a place in your heart to offer yourself to a better suited man in your life.
The next step is yours.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Snooping Girlfriend and the Cheating Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
I’ll get right to the point: I have major trust issues with my boyfriend of a year.

He has given me reason to distrust but we are working on it. He is a great guy but sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that he is hiding something.

Last night i snooped on his phone while he was asleep. I feel horrible about it but what I feel worse about is what i found. He was texting an old friend with a flirtatious “thinking of you” at 2:00am! I know of this friend and she supposedly knows of me. Her reply was simply, “thanks, i love you, i miss you.”

This broke my heart because I didn’t know what to think. There is every possibility that it could be friendly and every possibility that it could not. She lives in another city and I’m wondering if he has feelings for her but since she is gone, he doesn’t act on it.

I do not live with him but we are constantly together so I know there is no actual cheating, just unfaithfulness. I want to confront him real bad but I’m afraid to tell him I snooped. How should I do it? Should I do it at all? Am I over reacting? How can I make him see and understand how I feel without sounding like a crazy jealous, insecure girlfriend? thanks Rob.
Sandy

Hi Sandy,
If you want to ruin the situation you tell him from a cold start. But….

If you want him to come clean to you about what this girl means to him, ask him straight out, but like this “You know, I had a dream the other night and we were getting married and that girl you used to date showed up and you left with her. I was stranded at the altar. Are you hiding something from me?”
Just like that. Weird but to the point.

And let me tell you, if you have trust issues after 12 months of dating, there is more going on here that you talk about.

He’s hiding something, you just don’t know what. And you’re lying to yourself about what it might be, making excuses for him to yourself.

I hate to say “end the relationship” but give yourself a break… 12 months of dating and he’s communicating like that with his ex? He’s cheating on you, or at least he is “wishing” he was cheating on you. Because you’re together “every day” you give him no choice but to stay with you, but he doesn’t want you. Not totally.

You have to face up to this fact: he’s just with you until someone else comes along.

Start having a life that doesn’t include him. Be ”busy” once in a while, watch how fast he dumps you.

This will be a great test of your relationship: will he still date you if you aren’t “conveniently around” all the time?

Test him and act according to the results.
You need to know.
Best wishes,
Rob

She’s Interested In Me But Living With Another Guy

Dear Rob,
Interesting set of events I have recently experienced.

I stumbled through most of it not knowing what I was doing, but today in a pensive mood I came across your website, and notice how spot-on relevant your articles have been to my experience.

Obviously I want the girl, but the question is the next move…

The story is that I met the girl who immediately made mention of a boyfriend.

No big deal because to me that is mostly a defensive move by a girl to figure out what you are at (what good looking girl doesn’t “kinda have a boyfriend”), at the time I wasn’t really looking, and if I decided to look, I figured she’d introduce me to some of her other single friends.

Soon, we started ending up at the same pub each week for a chat.

Well as you might guess, with me just hanging chill, a little aloof, and remaining in control and reserved, she opened up more and more to me.

I let her make the first phone call to me, the first text message, the first email. It was about that time that I began to notice all the body language ques she was initiating while chatting – fiddling about and “primping”, looking at my lips, glances to the eyes, invading my space, touching.

Honestly it was exciting to finally realize these things are happening… I’ve always been somewhat clueless. But I learned that she lived with her boyfriend.

She began to make excuses for me to walk her to her car… or find time for us to be alone.

At this point, Mr. Wussy came out and I internally made excuses for not making a move (“hey, I’m a good guy, I don’t want to break up her happy home life”).

Finally I made a weak move by telling her that if I didn’t think she were so happy with her current relationship, I’d push much more strongly for things.

Her response was that she “would keep it in mind.

She always thought something was there, but couldn’t do that right now.” Rather than the deathknell I figured that would work out to be, she seemed even more loving the next few times I saw her out. We never discussed her current relationship.

Finally during a innocuous conversation, she brought up that the previous night she hadn’t really enjoyed sex with her boyfriend and that it had been the first time she had had sex with him for several weeks.

I didn’t know if this was the homerun meatball I had been waiting on, or she just was toying with me. I just told her that my name isn’t Charlotte and I didn’t want to discuss her sex life…. I told her I needed to be away from her for a little while, because for this conversation to bother me, I am obviously too close to the whole issue.

I told her I knew what I wanted – her – but that I needed to get a grip on what the situation really was, and realize that it just wasn’t going to happen.

I walked out of her life, and returned anything she had “loaned” me so that I would have no excuse to contact her in the future. Basically at that point, I figured I was being strung along and didn’t want any more of it.

A few nights ago, after three weeks with no contact, I was weak and broke down, and decided to go out to see her.

I got an extremely chilly reception, which I had expected, and when she finally decided to talk to me, she hit me with “You just dropped me…”, “I’ve had to think about it every day”, “I thought you would be around for a long time,” “Its worse that you came back,” and then a barrage of things some pertinent, some not, just to see what would stick.

She concluded with “I always told you I have a boyfriend and where the boundaries were, and now I’ve lost a close friend and I’ve got to deal with that.

I think it is better if you just don’t come around anymore.” From the shotgun approach, I knew the real issue was that I had gotten to her, that she had to face those feelings, and that it was likely that it had somehow affected things at home. Incredibly, I also noticed when she calmed down and was listening to me that all those little signals from our good conversations were still there – it was a strange experience as most arguments I have experienced have been the gal just shutting down and shutting off.

And I absolutely had the feeling that she knew that I knew she was putting on a front and she didn’t really want me to leave.

So, my questions…. Was she all along just playing me for what she didn’t have at home?

Did my inner wussy stand in the way of making the correct move all those times and “rescuing” her from something she couldn’t decide to get out of?

Is this one dead?

Or is it better off dead?

If not what’s the next move?

Do I wait until she is single and then make the strong move – and how do I know when she is single if I am not in contact?

If I stay in contact, how do I do so without becoming the “friend?”

Really, really at the end of my rope and experience.
Thank you.

Hi,
Surprisingly enough I’ve had a similar experience… the girl used me for a while as a shoulder to cry on, as a testing dummy for her feminize sexuality, as a sounding board for her troubles with her boyfriend and as a crystal ball into her future.

What ended up was she dropped her boyfriend, moved out to her own place… and took up with a different guy within days, before I even knew what had occurred in her life.

Needless to say I was shocked to my core for being used that way.

After a couple of years I understood that what happened was destined to happen because I never could have offered her the life she had with her boyfriend, as troubled as it was, and that I was not the replacement for the man in her life, she just needed me to “push” her into taking charge of her own life.

I think that you’re on the same path.

This girl may really not like her life, but you offer a slice of sunshine, a ray of hope for change… whether that really will involve you, or you are just the launching pad of change in her life I cannot say.

From what you wrote I do honestly feel that the girl is lonely, stuck ina relationship that SHE refuses to work on improving, and is looking for greener grass and the will-power to move on, move out and get on with her life.

I do not recommend that you stay involved with her simply because she IS looking fir a change… and you are a piece of that fantasy life she wishes she had… but you really aren’t going to be a big part of, even if she does breakup with her current boyfriend, if she does move out, if she does date you.

This is just a bad set of events that do not make for a solid foundation for a relationship.

I hope I have given you food for thought.
Rob.