Tag Archives: childish men

Guy’s Ignore Game Times Three

Dear Rob,
There are three men of interest.
Guy #1, is a workmate who I sporadically interact with due to work. He used to draw attention to himself by talking loudly or being animated. We would talk mainly about work related stuff and sometimes joke around. He now, ignores me to such an extreme. He pretends he doesn’t see me though our paths cross.

Guy #2, is a friend who has admitted to others that he finds me attractive. He has dated two of my friends in the past who he has also told that he had liked me. He and I are friends that hang out on occasion and just have a good time. It has never progressed to anything more…for two reasons, I don’t feel an attraction for him and he’s dated two of my friends. He, also, has gone out of his way to ignore me to the point of being rude. He has never actually asked me out; thus, I never had to turn him down. When he’s in a bad mood he’ll ignore me even after I greet him and we make eye contact.

Guy#3, He has hinted at having an attraction for me and has hinted at going to dinner; however, never quite asking. He was doing an athletic event and asked if I could come along to help out. I, of course, agreed. After the event, he kissed me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner. After dinner we parted with another kiss. We met up in the evening again for part two of the event, another kiss. The next couple of days were very nice with lots of compliments and attention. Then one day, it stopped. Now, he is acting very odd, as though I make him uncomfortable. He ignores me even when it is obvious he sees me but we train together twice a week and on these days he is flirts with me and puts his hands around my waist.

Sorry for it being so long….what I want to know is what is with the ignoring? Is it something I am doing?
Martha

Hi Martha,
I’m going to start my reply by assuming a couple of things:
I think you’re a great looking girl, probably a 9 or a 10 in the looks department.
I bet you don’t have many successful dates because you don’t put up with insincerity, immaturity and general childishness in guys.
You are turned off by the wussy-type guy that tries too hard to please you, tries too hard to be funny…. the idiotic things that some guys to to get a girl’s interest.
I also bet that you wait for the guy to make the first move on you, asking for dates, suggesting things to do, etc., and half the time you’re too busy with other things to accept the date ideas or take them to heart. You unintentionally shoot the guy own.

If you have the power to intimidate guys, through your good looks or bright attitude, they will pull shy after feeling shot down and start playing the ignore game after just the briefest of encounters.
These wimpy guys are centered on ownership. They want to control and own you and when you can show them that you are your own person they run scared because they don’t know how to deal with a successful, good looking, assertive woman.
They are children dating in an MTV world, not able to work through their feelings or interactions in real life when what they do doesn’t resemble a stupid TV show. These guys haven’t learned the slightest clues about dating and being a man around a woman.

Now then:
Guy #1
This is a guy that practices comedy to attract women and closes up shop when he doesn’t get the responses he wants. He’s a fool. He wants to control but will not break out of the mold of self-importance to accept the fact that other people have thoughts and feelings too, that others sometimes don’t think of him being so important. This is why he now ignores you.
The next time he walks by you say to him “You were funnier when you could talk to me”. And let him fumble his response.
Likely he’ll think of you a bitch, but at least then he’s making a stand for his feelings of you. And you’ll get some closure from this jerk.

Guy #2
He has dated your friends only to get closer to you and try to date you. Now he knows that you’re in a league far above him and he’s playing the hurt puppy knowing that he’ll never have you.
I’d point-blank ask him if he knows of any single guys that might want to date you. His response will confirm what I’ve told you.

Guy #3
He’s too scared to fail with you, so he’s decided not to get his feelings hurt by your possible rejection. Likely you’ve confided in him about the other losers you’ve dated and he saw himself in what you said.

He may be a wuss that doesn’t know how to communicate with women other than trying to buy their friendship and acceptance. This type of guy is deep into the “ownership of commitment” and I’d steer clear of him no matter what. Until he realizes that men and women like the same things, have the same needs and goals in life, he’ll always think that he comes first to the point of trying to control everyone else’s actions in his circle of friends.
I’ll bet that any relationship he’s had in the past ended badly because of his insecure needs and controlling attitudes.

You can verify this by doing a little research and talking to any of his exgirlfriends.
The next time that he flirts with you and puts his hands on your waist, put your hands on his. Pull his hands away and tell him that touching is not permitted.
One of two things will happen next:
He won’t blush or apologize, he’ll get upset is my bet. If he does that he wants to own you and he’ll start by making you apologize for his familiarity in touching you.
If he does blush and apologize, he’s just a scared little boy that doesn’t know how to get past the first date and if you’ve managed to talk to any exgirlfriends I bet that you’ll find out that he moved too fast, held on too tightly and broke up very badly.

He maybe a “clinger” that just wants romance that he can manipulate on his terms only.
Best wishes,
Rob

When He Won’t Ask For A Date But All The Signals Are There

Dear Rob,
I’m in a slightly unfamiliar situation. Maybe, out of the kindness of your seemingly bored, stranger-helping heart, you could give me some advice.

First off, after reading several of your past entries/responses (which I enjoyed quite immensely, by the way), I am already anticipating your advice, which will most likely be to drop any further attempts at some sort of relationship-like bond with this guy beyond simple (ha!) platonic friendship. So I implore you also to give me an alternate set of advice in which I do pursue such… relations.

All pointless information aside, I am a 16 year old girl (for accuracy’s sake, I’m 17 in a month) who is well, having problems with a guy.

Oh god, the dreaded clichés have already come for me. Do overlook that too, hmm?

I really don’t want this to become a long-winded description/explanation, but there are several factors that can’t be ignored. My apologies in advance. Still, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up typing the collective life story of me and my love interest.

I’ll start at the beginning. (Or vice versa, if you wish.)
A short while ago, I self-diagnosed myself with want-what-I-can’t-have-itis (thrill of the chase, fear of even the slightest bit of commitment, those lovely little bad habit truisms). All too common, I know, but I decided to get rid of it since I already had enough problems as it were. At the same time, I was a typical female who “liked” anything that was attractive enough by my standards and had a pulse.
Ah yes, the good ol’ days. After getting more or less cured, I did realize that I actually do look for specific things in a guy, that I don’t want a relationship with just any gorgeous, animate objects, etc. And I’m through with the bad, dangerous type. They’re so boring. This is where Paul comes in.
Paul is quite remarkable. Suffice it to say that he truly has what I am looking for. I had been attracted to him in the past, but this was also during my streak with bad boys…sheesh. Oh and there was also the fear of commitment, i.e., dating or the likes.

Although a great deal of recent encounters, flirting, body language, and exchanges between us are, in my mind, extremely pertinent to the situation, I’ll omit them for brief descriptions of the most key events.

Like most guys, from my understanding, he is painfully vague when talking to me about certain… situations or problems. Unlike most guys, it seems he is attempting to drop hints in these exchanges and skillfully using elaborate analogies in doing so.
It is my belief that on the last day of school, after the yearbooks had been signed and almost everyone had gone, he intended to ask me out, but chickened out, so to speak. What I extracted from his analogy (which he gave me later that day on IM) was that he was all set on asking me out, but his ride took the opportunity from him. The analogy essentially makes perfect sense if I input the situation of him wanting to ask me out, but for all I know that’s not what he’s trying to say. He said he really should have stayed after longer, and, as the analogy goes, “given the closing, and pissed off my carpool.” (i.e., asked me out in whatever brilliant fashion he was set on, and pissed off his carpool.)

So basically, the situation that I’m in right now is that after not going online for at least a year, the guy I like suddenly gets a screen name on the evening of the last day of school, tracks my screen name down on yahoo, and cryptically tells me that he should have stayed later that day to tell someone (I know that it’s a female), something “courageous” and perfectly planned out that would have prompted some sort of judgment from this girl, and that he regrets not doing. For the record, I was the only girl there during the time he was talking about, save for a few irrelevant freshman girls.
After that, we’ve been talking every night for a few hours on IM (I even got him to stay an hour longer one night – quite a feat considering he lives in a “police state”) until a few days ago, as he is now in California visiting prospective colleges. From what I have gathered… he has a case of wanting what he can’t have. It’s rather complicatedly tied in with his personal beliefs, and he isn’t too keen on getting out of it. He’s said that he’s “picky,” and also that he (paraphrased) wishes that he wouldn’t chicken out so much. I’m quite sure that he can’t decide if he wants to have a relationship or not.

Yet at the same time, he drops hints of really wanting one; this among countless other things – one of my guy friends actually proposed to me the other day (we’re really close, and he wasn’t completely serious), and I told Paul that, asking him what I should tactfully say in return. Upon telling him my guy friend had proposed to me, he said “sneaky bastard, beat me to the punch…” Also things like only talking to me on IM, and pissing off a few of his friends in the process.

A few days before he left for California, I asked him if he could possibly come over to play a video game that we had been planning on playing together (although the initial plan was to do so over the internet, which I realized won’t work. Yes, we’re both total nerds). He said sure, after the time he’d be gone. He also said that he’d try to keep in touch over that time, but he most likely wouldn’t be able to (he hasn’t so far). The problem is…I feel I’ve been a bit over eager – quite a rarity for me. I even gave him my email address, and told him to use it if he felt the need (nothing yet). That, along with asking him to come over, something the likes of which I had unsuccessfully nudged at in the past, and more makes me feel like I’m being much too keen.

I can’t be so overtly eager or I’ll scare him off. At the same time, I can’t play too hard to get and flirt with other guys because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m uninterested, and he’ll think I wasn’t really being serious with him (from personal experience, this seems like a possibility). What can I do to attain this precious balance yet have the relationship actually progress, to see if he really wants to be with me, and to find all this out without coming off like some deranged, needy chick?
Thanks for any help
– Sue

Hi Sue,
I feel for you, I really do.
When a guy is getting all the signals to ask a girl for the date and he wimps out, it’s very frustrating.
For the both of you.

Here’s an analogy for you:
He’s the batter at the plate.
The bases are loaded. No outs.
The pitcher (you) are giving him all the signals that your pitch is going to be a soft lob ball, right over the plate. Easily hit out of the park.
And what does are batter do?
He passes and let’s another batter take his place.
He’s so scared of failure, or rejection, so lacking in self-confidence that even when given the green light (literally flashing before his eyes), when he has the perfect opportunity to be the hero, he walks away.
Then, after the game he talks with the pitcher and says stuff like:
“I had that one but my arm was stiffening up”
“I could’ve cleared the bases but I had a cramp in my leg”
And other crappy statements that infer he could have been the hero but the time just wasn’t right.

So, how do you handle this type of guy?
You have to step up and complete the deal.
The next time you see him, in person, after chatting a bit and catching up you say to him, quite plainly, “Are you going to take me on a date or what?” Then give him a kiss.
Seal the deal for him.
And yes, likely you’ll be adopting a puppy-man. Willing to sit, stay and roll over on your request.
He will be all mushy, dependant on you, constantly jealous and always needing to know where you are.
But, in the end, you’ll have received your request.
You will be dating this puppy-man.

So there you are, how to date the man that shows all the signals that he wants to date you but he just can’t bring himself to ask the question.
End his pain. Make the completion.
Ask him the question.
Best Wishes,
Rob.