Tag Archives: controlling boyfriend

Only The Weather Changes, Guys Don’t

Dear Rob,
I’m not sure if my fiancé is controlling or not.

He is very jealous. He gets mad if a guy even looks at me. He doesn’t want me to have guy friends. If we get into an argument about something he has done wrong he always tries to make it seem like its my fault. He is in bootcamp for the army and he wrote a couple of letters to his ex.

When I found out I told him that if he wrote her one more letter that we were over. He said “Well obviously you don’t love me as much as you say you do if you would break up with me for that”.

See what I mean about him turning everything around on me?

He has told me about dreams he has had where he caught me cheating on him and in one of them he said he threw a cell phone at my head. I don’t think he would ever really do that to me or put his hands on me in anyway but then why would he have a dream like that. He does have an anger problem but he has never hurt me but I’m worried. When we get married will he change?
Help me please,
D

Hi D,
I think that you need to take a step back at your life as it is now and how you feel it will be once your married. Make a list of everything.
(1) What you do now on your own;
(2) What you do together and;
(3) The things you want to change about both.

If you see anything that you want to be changed about your fiancé, how he acts now compared to how you want him to act when he’s your husband, postpone the marriage. I strongly recommend couples counseling before your marriage.
Him sending letters to his ex shows that he has no regard for your feelings about him. He’s looking for attention and comfort that he feels he can’t get from you. (Unless they have a child together and he’s sending the letters addressed to his ex but meant for his child then this would be a part of your life, being involved with his ex and child, that will go on for at least 18 more years.)

People don’t change because there is a ring on their finger. What you see now is who you’ll have in the future. The only person you can change is yourself and I don’t recommend changing into the type of person he wants you to be: obedient, subservient, under his control.

From what you’ve told me your fiancé tries to intimidate you, control you and blame you. He tells you his threatening dreams to scare you. Marriage won’t change any of this from happening in the future. And I bet that he’ll keep in touch, see anyone, anywhere, no matter your feelings. You’ll be placed second to what he wants to do whether it’s good for the both of you or just something he wants to do for himself.

If you can get him into counseling then great. I am thinking that, however, he’ll start an argument with you about it, blame you for wanting him to be someone he isn’t and threaten to break up with you.

It’s up to you to decide your future but don’t let your future be forced onto you.
Best wishes,
Rob.

How To Leave A Controlling Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
My situation is probably a bit different than what you have heard.

I know for a fact that I am in a relationship with a controlling (verbally) boyfriend. I left him — for what I thought was for good — but then realized that I was pregnant with his baby and for some reason that I will never understand, I freaked out and went back out with him because I didn’t know what else to do.

This was 3 months ago.

Now, I realize that wasn’t the smartest choice. The most recent time I tried to break it off, he cried and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness, saying the last thing he wants is our relationship to be like his mom and birth dad’s (his mom divorced his birth dad when he was 2 months old because his birth dad was physically abusive).

My question now for women is:
1) What is the best/safest way to get out of a controlling relationship, and
2) How the heck do I get out now that I’m pregnant?!

I know I need to! I desperately need your help because I have no idea how to break it off for good and safely. (He has a history of severe anger..)
Mary-Ann

Hi Mary-Ann,
The best and safest way is to end it quickly and move out with a pre-planned plan when he is not there.

You should have an arranged safe place to go to… your parents, a trusted friend, a shelter for women.

If this is not possible make your move suddenly, take what you can, come back for anything else in a couple of weeks. Send a friend, family member… just not yourself alone.

You may need a restraint order, or an order of protection. The local court house will help you with this, or the police, there are public services that you need to use when needed.

Change the passwords and email accounts on everything.
Change or cancel cell phone plans.

Get your postal mail forwarded to a rented postal box, not your new address.

Cancel any joint accounts and bills that are in both your names: credit cards, electricity, phone bills, cable bills. Whatever. If the rental lease is in your name, see if you can get your name off it… understand the cost to break the lease but don’t let that stop you. Your own safety is worth more than any dollar amount. Stop using anything that is in his name only.

You’ll need financial support for your child but that is best handled by lawyers that are familiar with the family court system.

Keep a journal of everything that has happened, a daily diary. Leave nothing out. Abusive events… times when your safety was questionable… witnesses, police reports. Write everything down, every day, all the time. Write it on paper, write it online, tape record yourself, whatever it takes to keep a consistent record of your life, from this moment forward, your recent past… and right now as you read my email.

Your greatest strength on leaving him is in your support system: family, friends and local support facilities. Know them, and use them when needed.

You can do this, you’ve made the first step, you’ve reached out to me.
Make the next step, plan your safety route. And take it.
I wish you well,
Rob.