Tag Archives: danger

How To Leave A Controlling Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
My situation is probably a bit different than what you have heard.

I know for a fact that I am in a relationship with a controlling (verbally) boyfriend. I left him — for what I thought was for good — but then realized that I was pregnant with his baby and for some reason that I will never understand, I freaked out and went back out with him because I didn’t know what else to do.

This was 3 months ago.

Now, I realize that wasn’t the smartest choice. The most recent time I tried to break it off, he cried and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness, saying the last thing he wants is our relationship to be like his mom and birth dad’s (his mom divorced his birth dad when he was 2 months old because his birth dad was physically abusive).

My question now for women is:
1) What is the best/safest way to get out of a controlling relationship, and
2) How the heck do I get out now that I’m pregnant?!

I know I need to! I desperately need your help because I have no idea how to break it off for good and safely. (He has a history of severe anger..)
Mary-Ann

Hi Mary-Ann,
The best and safest way is to end it quickly and move out with a pre-planned plan when he is not there.

You should have an arranged safe place to go to… your parents, a trusted friend, a shelter for women.

If this is not possible make your move suddenly, take what you can, come back for anything else in a couple of weeks. Send a friend, family member… just not yourself alone.

You may need a restraint order, or an order of protection. The local court house will help you with this, or the police, there are public services that you need to use when needed.

Change the passwords and email accounts on everything.
Change or cancel cell phone plans.

Get your postal mail forwarded to a rented postal box, not your new address.

Cancel any joint accounts and bills that are in both your names: credit cards, electricity, phone bills, cable bills. Whatever. If the rental lease is in your name, see if you can get your name off it… understand the cost to break the lease but don’t let that stop you. Your own safety is worth more than any dollar amount. Stop using anything that is in his name only.

You’ll need financial support for your child but that is best handled by lawyers that are familiar with the family court system.

Keep a journal of everything that has happened, a daily diary. Leave nothing out. Abusive events… times when your safety was questionable… witnesses, police reports. Write everything down, every day, all the time. Write it on paper, write it online, tape record yourself, whatever it takes to keep a consistent record of your life, from this moment forward, your recent past… and right now as you read my email.

Your greatest strength on leaving him is in your support system: family, friends and local support facilities. Know them, and use them when needed.

You can do this, you’ve made the first step, you’ve reached out to me.
Make the next step, plan your safety route. And take it.
I wish you well,
Rob.