Tag Archives: dates and sex

Friends With Benefits Breakup

Dear Rob,
I encountered your article online when I was searching for the consequences of FWBs, and I decided to email you. Maybe you could give me advice.

Okay, I am one of those women who agreed to be FWBs with the guy I met.

I met him online and it turns out that we just live a couple of blocks away from each other.

Once a week he’ll pick me up and we will hangout in his place. we will watch movies or play guitar and have drinks (but we don’t drink to get drunk, just to be sober), then later he would ask if I wanna have sex with him or “if i wanna do it”.

I already understood what it means. That’s always the scenario.

After having doing all these stuff, sex is the very end of everything.

That happened for 2 months.

Having sex with him the first time was kind of a learning experience for me (since I never had a boyfriend before).

The guy was nice and everything, there was no emotional attachment at the first time. We call each other like 3 times a week or every other night and have sex with one of those nights.

That was a nice feeling, having someone to talk to, but one of my friends told me that I have to separate sex and my emotional feelings, but later, I start to fall in love with this guy.

The worse thing is, he doesn’t call me anymore.

I learned that this guy is somehow dating someone else.

Now I feel jealous about the situation.

I can’t confront him, since at the beginning we agreed on FWBs situation – and we can date anyone we want.

I am really now on the verge of telling him what I truly feel for him because this is already driving me insane.

I really like him now, but I can say that sex is not the reason why I have fallen for this guy. I like him as a person.

He is so nice and treated me with respect. Even though maybe we never had sex and we were just hanging out or dating out, I would still have fallen in love with him.

To think that I never had a boyfriend before, and I am so happy that i am seeing him and he treated me nice.

So but then, at the end, I’m the one turning out to be a loser, since I am now emotionally attached to him, but I know he is not.

Is there any advice you can give?

Do you think I should or shouldn’t tell the guy that I am falling in love with him now?

What would be the consequences if I spill out the beans to him?
Susie

Hi Susie,
Not only have you been used but you were convinced, dishonestly, that you could separate sex from emotions.

You can’t.

It’s tough having never had a boyfriend before, and now you have this great guy that listens to you, a guy that seems to understand you… but ends the night with “do you wanna do it?”

Sex is as personal as it gets and to have to “shut yourself off” from the emotions that come along with it is unnatural.

You said “He is a nice person and treated you nice”. Another lie to yourself. Sure, he was very friendly, he got what he wanted from you: sex.

And you were willing to give.

As soon as you discovered that he was dating someone else the jealousy nerves spoke up:

“He was yours first! He should still be yours! Why is he dating someone else! Doesn’t he know how you feel!”

These are the emotions you feel… they are true emotions coming from the most intimate of encounters.

Now, though, you are on your own to deal with this betrayal and hurt.

You could talk to him, but it really won’t do any good. He’ll just tell you that you were “fu-k buddies” and nothing more.

Now he has a girlfriend he doesn’t need you anymore.

Understand that the emotional attachment you feel with him is because of two things: the intimate connection (sex) you had, and the jealousy you now feel because he has someone else.

By all means, if it will make you feel better confront him with your feelings. No emails, no letters, no phone calls, just a face-to-face talk.

He will shut you out, you will be hurt.

You have learned a hard lesson and I hope you heal quickly.

Not all guys are users, not all women want to be used.

You just fell through the cracks this time. Learn from this mistake.
Best wishes,
Rob.