Tag Archives: Dating Advice

Talking To A Girl The First Time

Dear Rob,
Hi, my name is Dave, and I really need your help on this one.
There is this girl that I like. And she probably likes me too. It was because of her looking at me all the time that I start liking her. I’m really getting tired of sitting next to her in fifth hour, knowing she likes me, and not being able to even look at her cause I get so nervous.
She is very shy too. She’s super quiet around me. And I find it hard to show her I like her. I’ve seen many of the body signals that a shy girl might do. Like in 2nd hour I can see her looking at me from across the room smiling (like every minute or so.) I really try hard to look back and stare but I can’t (too shy). Then once 5th hour rolls around, all we do is sit there very quietly with each other (it’s so obvious we like each other).
I really don’t want to regret not telling her I like her, when I know she like me. And she seems so nervous around me. She can’t stop shaking her legs, and she moves her hands a lot. But yet if I were drawing in my notebook, she’d somehow notice it, but it would be on the far side of my desk? Yes I can tell that she watches me when I’m not looking, and I do the same.

Now I can’t say that she is outgoing, but she is the Junior captain of the girl basketball team. And I really find it hard to believe that this might be the girl I finally hook up with. I don’t want to regret liking her and the relationship never happening. Please tell me what a 16 year old can do in a time like this.

But one thing I did notice is that, I can act like I like a girl that I don’t and feel comfortable. But when it comes down to a girl I like, I go shy.

Please help me!!!!!
Dave

Hi Dave,
I do understand what you mean, being able to talk to the girls in your group, being comfortable with them but not being able to talk to the girl you’re really attracted that isn’t a part of your group.

Some guys call this a “fear of women”, or a “fear of rejection”. Actually it’s more deep than that. It’s an instinctive response by the male trying to remain protected, not put himself at risk or danger of being hurt when attracting a female. It’s totally normal. The sweating, the fear, the loss of words and sudden lack of self-confidence. Every guy goes through this. Really.

If you’re not the “leader of the pack” as some would say, then you’re trying to keep yourself protected and in a safe place. When you are the leader you always have defenses (read: friends) to fall back on that will offer you support when you are threatened (read: putting yourself at risk) by allowing yourself to be in contact with the girl of interest.

Some guys get a friend (read: wingman) to offset the situation by having their friend deal with the girls other friends that are present and supply cover or an excuse to either talk to her or end the conversation when talk isn’t working out.

The one fact that is missing when you are a teenager is that this is normal, it’s a part of life and whether you win (read: talk to her) or lose (read: bail out and never talk to her), another opportunity is around the corner, or a flip of the calendar’s page.

The other fact that no one will tell you is that the girl is just as scared as you are. Seriously.

I remember being your age and having the same fear. Did I conquer it? Sure. As I grew older I outgrew it.

Did I conquer the fear at the time I first felt this fear? No. I saw the girl, the object of my future happiness, several times, a few times when it was just the two of us and no other friends around.

After seeing her about a dozen times I finally just asked her where she worked (we were both teens but I knew she had a job and at that time we were both waiting for the same bus), I asked her questions about her job and tried to get her to do most of the talking. This is a conversational skill that every guy needs to know, how to create conversation by letting the girl talk and asking questions that keep her talking. After I saw her at work a couple of times, making sure to say “Hi” and chat a bit, I got her number and called her up. We went bowling, which is a great teen date and started dating seriously after that.

So, what you want to do is use what you have in common with her, in your case you take the same classes. She’s already noticed you and is more shy that you are (really!), so ask her to go after school today (yes, this afternoon) and study for a test with you. Or help on a project that you have due. Something that involves both of you, in a safe, public place, without your friends hanging around screaming out being jerks in the background.

Never, ever ask a girl to “Go out sometime”, it’s a deal killer. If you’re going to ask a girl to meet you, have a plan. You’re a loser if you put it like this “Hi, do you want to go out sometime?” Do you see what’s wrong with asking her out like that? You’re trying to play it safe. If she says no you’re not too much hurt because it was just “sometime”. And by adding the “sometime” you were actually saying “Hi, I like you and I hope that you like me but you probably think I’m a dork, but anyways, I want to go out with you, if you’ll let me, but I want you to decide what to do because if I had an idea of what a girl wouldn’t reject me over I wouldn’t be so scared right now”.

And then she says “No”.
And she said no because you didn’t have a plan.

So, buck up, lose the fear of her saying no to you and ask her out doing something that the both of you have in common. Homework in the library is a good start. Or something along those lines. Just make sure you complete the deal by having a time and a place for this to happen.

When she says yes, tell her where you’ll meet, what you’ll be doing and until when. Maybe get her email too at this time, so you can chat later with her.

And if she says no, just smile and say “Maybe we can do this another time?” and watch for her reply. She’ll use body language to project her answer before she says anything. Watch for the good body language, whether she is standing or sitting:
She touches your arm;
She smiles and looks down, to the right;
She stutters and straightens her back, as if to stand taller;
She makes eye contact but only until she talks to you then she looks away;
She looks over to her friends for help or support.
When something like that happens you’re good for another attempt. Maybe she just had something already planned. She’s not shooting you down, she’s just going to wait for another flyby.
If you see the bad body language:
She steps back;
She doesn’t smile and looks down and to her left;
She stays hunched but makes eye contact and keeps looking at you as she talks;
She looks towards the door or any way of exit from you.
Those are negative body language signals and it’s best to leave your planning to another time, another place. It’s not the end, but she just isn’t interested at that time.

Now then, to sum up:
Recognize that the feeling of fear is normal;
Know that she is as nervous as you are;
You’ve got to ask her out to really know her answer;
You’ve got to have a plan ready for when she says yes;
If she says no she may just have other plans at that time and you can try again in a few days;

And most important of all, understand that guys get rejected by women all the time. Otherwise there’d be no such thing as “dating” it would be “Hi, welcome to our marriage”.
Best wishes,
Rob

I Dated A Frog

Dear Rob,
Ok here it goes.

I have known and worked with this man for 13 years.

He is married. We were friends and have this huge connection.

Over the years he has expressed feelings for me and I to him but I have made it clear that we cant be lovers until he leaves his wife.

He accepted that, but said he was afraid.

He is 51 and I am 36.

e loves women, flirts madly all the time with all women.

They seem to make him feel good about himself.

He never flirts with me. Just when we are out of the work context on a staff night out, he ignores them all and comes for me.

I kept turning him down.

This guy is a pretty straight talker and others see the cracks in his marriage, but I had a father who cheated on my mother, so find it hard to trust without evidence or actions.

Anyway, this went on and on, us acting like colleagues, then this conversation happens on nights out.

Until last year.

Last year, I accused him of ignoring me on a night out. He went berserk, said it was always his fault, would not talk to me for months.

Then we had another night out and we were ok, but out of the blue he started to run down how I looked. His eyes were black.
I asked him why he said it, when he knew I loved him and he told me to say that to him in work, once and for all, sober.

I didn’t cause he had hurt me and being honest, I don’t show emotion, I am terrified of being close to anyone and I suppose the truth was, I just pretended nothing happened.

About a week afterwards, he came into my office and made small talk, made a big attempt to look upset, then as I left he said ‘is that it then?’ After that he ignored me, shunned me etc.
We parted due to work for three months. Just beforehand I rang him to say take it ok over summer, because I love him.

He was ok but distant and sounded a little upset..but basically cold.

We met up again recently, working together, I made an effort, he was cautious which was to be expected, but generally we got on better than we have done in years.

Then during the week I got dressed up for a meeting, not sexy now, jumper and stuff, but I usually down myself and he would not look at me.

I mean, he tried to ignore me and when I forced the issue he actually turned away from me.

The next day I passed him and he looked at me, then ignored me and started chatting up this foreign girl..I mean big time.

I showed I was upset but accepted he probably has moved on.

Made no inroads on him. Now he runs away from me when he sees me.

What is going on?

The last detail is that he accused me of worrying too much what people thought the night he insulted how I looked.

The day before I dressed for meeting, he came into the lunch room, saw me, sat next to me but ran off.

So I thought he would feel awkward if I stayed so I left. After that he seemed hurt and nasty.
Thanks,
Diana

Hi Diana,
You’ve invested too much of yourself into this married man.

You tell me that you’ve been stung by a cheater because of what your dad did to your mother but you’re doing exactly what you said you don’t want to do!

Just because there hasn’t been any sex doesn’t mean you’re not cheating in your heart, in your fantasies.

Move on from him, I’d think you’d see past his little mind games and be able to maturely move on with your life.

If you were my sister I’d be writing online profiles for you to post of yourself on some online dating services.

Seriously, you need to move on from this stage of your life.

You have a big heart but refuse to love only what you deny yourself. That isn’t healthy or wise.

Please find a place in your heart to offer yourself to a better suited man in your life.
The next step is yours.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

When He Won’t Ask For A Date But All The Signals Are There

Dear Rob,
I’m in a slightly unfamiliar situation. Maybe, out of the kindness of your seemingly bored, stranger-helping heart, you could give me some advice.

First off, after reading several of your past entries/responses (which I enjoyed quite immensely, by the way), I am already anticipating your advice, which will most likely be to drop any further attempts at some sort of relationship-like bond with this guy beyond simple (ha!) platonic friendship. So I implore you also to give me an alternate set of advice in which I do pursue such… relations.

All pointless information aside, I am a 16 year old girl (for accuracy’s sake, I’m 17 in a month) who is well, having problems with a guy.

Oh god, the dreaded clichés have already come for me. Do overlook that too, hmm?

I really don’t want this to become a long-winded description/explanation, but there are several factors that can’t be ignored. My apologies in advance. Still, I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up typing the collective life story of me and my love interest.

I’ll start at the beginning. (Or vice versa, if you wish.)
A short while ago, I self-diagnosed myself with want-what-I-can’t-have-itis (thrill of the chase, fear of even the slightest bit of commitment, those lovely little bad habit truisms). All too common, I know, but I decided to get rid of it since I already had enough problems as it were. At the same time, I was a typical female who “liked” anything that was attractive enough by my standards and had a pulse.
Ah yes, the good ol’ days. After getting more or less cured, I did realize that I actually do look for specific things in a guy, that I don’t want a relationship with just any gorgeous, animate objects, etc. And I’m through with the bad, dangerous type. They’re so boring. This is where Paul comes in.
Paul is quite remarkable. Suffice it to say that he truly has what I am looking for. I had been attracted to him in the past, but this was also during my streak with bad boys…sheesh. Oh and there was also the fear of commitment, i.e., dating or the likes.

Although a great deal of recent encounters, flirting, body language, and exchanges between us are, in my mind, extremely pertinent to the situation, I’ll omit them for brief descriptions of the most key events.

Like most guys, from my understanding, he is painfully vague when talking to me about certain… situations or problems. Unlike most guys, it seems he is attempting to drop hints in these exchanges and skillfully using elaborate analogies in doing so.
It is my belief that on the last day of school, after the yearbooks had been signed and almost everyone had gone, he intended to ask me out, but chickened out, so to speak. What I extracted from his analogy (which he gave me later that day on IM) was that he was all set on asking me out, but his ride took the opportunity from him. The analogy essentially makes perfect sense if I input the situation of him wanting to ask me out, but for all I know that’s not what he’s trying to say. He said he really should have stayed after longer, and, as the analogy goes, “given the closing, and pissed off my carpool.” (i.e., asked me out in whatever brilliant fashion he was set on, and pissed off his carpool.)

So basically, the situation that I’m in right now is that after not going online for at least a year, the guy I like suddenly gets a screen name on the evening of the last day of school, tracks my screen name down on yahoo, and cryptically tells me that he should have stayed later that day to tell someone (I know that it’s a female), something “courageous” and perfectly planned out that would have prompted some sort of judgment from this girl, and that he regrets not doing. For the record, I was the only girl there during the time he was talking about, save for a few irrelevant freshman girls.
After that, we’ve been talking every night for a few hours on IM (I even got him to stay an hour longer one night – quite a feat considering he lives in a “police state”) until a few days ago, as he is now in California visiting prospective colleges. From what I have gathered… he has a case of wanting what he can’t have. It’s rather complicatedly tied in with his personal beliefs, and he isn’t too keen on getting out of it. He’s said that he’s “picky,” and also that he (paraphrased) wishes that he wouldn’t chicken out so much. I’m quite sure that he can’t decide if he wants to have a relationship or not.

Yet at the same time, he drops hints of really wanting one; this among countless other things – one of my guy friends actually proposed to me the other day (we’re really close, and he wasn’t completely serious), and I told Paul that, asking him what I should tactfully say in return. Upon telling him my guy friend had proposed to me, he said “sneaky bastard, beat me to the punch…” Also things like only talking to me on IM, and pissing off a few of his friends in the process.

A few days before he left for California, I asked him if he could possibly come over to play a video game that we had been planning on playing together (although the initial plan was to do so over the internet, which I realized won’t work. Yes, we’re both total nerds). He said sure, after the time he’d be gone. He also said that he’d try to keep in touch over that time, but he most likely wouldn’t be able to (he hasn’t so far). The problem is…I feel I’ve been a bit over eager – quite a rarity for me. I even gave him my email address, and told him to use it if he felt the need (nothing yet). That, along with asking him to come over, something the likes of which I had unsuccessfully nudged at in the past, and more makes me feel like I’m being much too keen.

I can’t be so overtly eager or I’ll scare him off. At the same time, I can’t play too hard to get and flirt with other guys because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m uninterested, and he’ll think I wasn’t really being serious with him (from personal experience, this seems like a possibility). What can I do to attain this precious balance yet have the relationship actually progress, to see if he really wants to be with me, and to find all this out without coming off like some deranged, needy chick?
Thanks for any help
– Sue

Hi Sue,
I feel for you, I really do.
When a guy is getting all the signals to ask a girl for the date and he wimps out, it’s very frustrating.
For the both of you.

Here’s an analogy for you:
He’s the batter at the plate.
The bases are loaded. No outs.
The pitcher (you) are giving him all the signals that your pitch is going to be a soft lob ball, right over the plate. Easily hit out of the park.
And what does are batter do?
He passes and let’s another batter take his place.
He’s so scared of failure, or rejection, so lacking in self-confidence that even when given the green light (literally flashing before his eyes), when he has the perfect opportunity to be the hero, he walks away.
Then, after the game he talks with the pitcher and says stuff like:
“I had that one but my arm was stiffening up”
“I could’ve cleared the bases but I had a cramp in my leg”
And other crappy statements that infer he could have been the hero but the time just wasn’t right.

So, how do you handle this type of guy?
You have to step up and complete the deal.
The next time you see him, in person, after chatting a bit and catching up you say to him, quite plainly, “Are you going to take me on a date or what?” Then give him a kiss.
Seal the deal for him.
And yes, likely you’ll be adopting a puppy-man. Willing to sit, stay and roll over on your request.
He will be all mushy, dependant on you, constantly jealous and always needing to know where you are.
But, in the end, you’ll have received your request.
You will be dating this puppy-man.

So there you are, how to date the man that shows all the signals that he wants to date you but he just can’t bring himself to ask the question.
End his pain. Make the completion.
Ask him the question.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Help Asking Her Out

Dear Rob,
I’ve known this girl since we were both kids, as we live in the same street and we both go to the same youth group where she is the youth leader. We’re both 19. I’ve grown to like her a lot, to the stage where I’ve developed feelings for her. I only ever see her once a week at the youth group. At the start of 2005 and nearly every other week I used to catch her staring at me. I could be talking to some people and she’d be in another group in another conversation, and if I was to turn or look around the room I would immediately catch her staring dead straight into my eyes for no apparent reason. Once I caught her she’d look a bit nervous, and look away. Some nights I’ve caught her out and then she does it again two minutes later. One night I was sitting down talking with someone and she was in the row in front and I just happened to look in front and caught her again. This time I held the stare and I smiled, she did too, and then turned back around. This has happened so many other times as well with her.

Whenever we both hold a conversation we are both very shy towards each other, as we’re both shy people, but she always looks me in the eye so much so that I’m just too nervous to hold the contact.

If she is ever walking towards me in the street or mall she looks in my direction then quickly looks away and acts all nervous until we pass, when she does acknowledge me, sometimes acting surprised that she has seen me. Is she trying to avoid me or is she just nervous? Also whenever I make a mistake, be a clutz, make myself look stupid or tell a dumb joke, she’ll laugh.

Does her doing these things mean anything or am I just over reacting and blowing things out of proportion?

I’m just too scared to make a move or anything because I’m afraid of being rejected and making a fool of myself, plus she’d be an 11/10 in the looks dept, where’d I’d only rate myself 5/10 which makes me wonder why she’d be even remotely interested. I’m sort of waiting around for her to give me more of these signs before I do anything, but in the meantime I know that she might just find someone else, maybe for good, then I would loose her for good. How can I get over myself and handle this situation or just ask her out?

Hi,
You sound like a nice guy. Invite her out for a coffee or something after the next youth group meeting.

It’s likely she’s as experienced as you are in the relationship department, good looking girls are all too often lonely because every guy is afraid of rejection and doesn’t ask her out.

Get over yourself and your fears. Read more articles on my site and ask her out for a coffee.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Will He Still Love Me When I’m Gone?

Dear Rob,
I am leaving for university in the fall. My boyfriend and I have been dating since sophomore year and we’ve only been with each other, if you know what I mean. He will be staying at his parent’s home for a year working and starting at my university next year. We plan on visiting each other as much as possible but since I’ll be out of state and he’ll be working we’re not sure how that will all work out. Mainly, I guess, I am insecure about him still wanting to be my boyfriend after I’ve started university. He’ll be with all of our friends, and I’ll be alone, away, in at school.

What can I do to make sure our relationship lasts until he comes to school next year?
Signed,
Dating and Doubtful

Hi D and D,
I can really see your discomfort in being away from your boyfriend when you start your new life at school and as he starts his new life as a full-time worker.
Life begins when high school ends for many people. Different places, different people, different responsibilities.
You can plan to travel to be together as much as possible, and with Internet access everywhere, you’ll want to invest in a good laptop and a webcam so you can spend some quality chat time together too.
But you’ve asked “How can I be sure we’ll still be together while we’re apart?” and that is a tough question to answer.
But answer these questions to discover a little about your current relationship.
Do you:
– Have a regular date plan now? Do you see each other every Saturday night for a date? Hang around together all the time, as much as you can?
– Have regular phone calls?
– Exchange regular emails?
– Have both friends that are supportive of your relationship?
– Your family (both families) supports your relationship?
– Have no cheated on each other?
– Made “future plans together” that includes possible engagement and marriage?
Positive answers to the above questions would lead me to believe you will have a positive experience in your future.

Many couples that are separating for reasons outside of their control exchange promise rings that identify a future together. This exchange is a solidification of your future. It’s a sort of “engagement to be engaged”. I suggest that this step be discussed by you to your boyfriend and see how he reacts.
If I read your letter correctly, he should be very willing to take this step.

You date regularly now and spend a lot of time together, plan your separation with scheduled dates set up. Whether phone calls, webcam chats or emails, decide on a day and time that is just “your time”, just as you would having dates if you were together.

And no matter the temptation, do not use family or friends as “spies” on him. Trust is the biggest issue couples apart have. If you feel you can’t trust him now, you won’t be able to trust him when you are at school. And a breakup is a good idea before something worse happens.

Both of you will be going through some pretty serious changes in the coming months. You’ve got to be “adult” about things and have a common ground of understanding to get you through this year of separation and back together as a couple again.

There will be your school stress, his work problems, both of which will work to divide you in a sea of “not understanding me” arguments. But if you prepare against this going in then you will be prepared as these issues arise.

A good thing here is to have a code word that explains that you are going through a difficult time that is not due to anything your boyfriend, or yourself for him, can fix. You can use the code word in a phone call, email or chat session. This keeps things to a common place where you agreed to be when you were together. And helps to keep you both united in your coming long distance relationship.
I wish you well in your future,
Rob.