Tag Archives: dating rules

She Won’t Commit To An Exclusive Relationship

Dear Rob,
I’ve been dating this girl for the past 2 months. We have been intimate and she calls me everyday, I repeat, she’s the one that calls me everyday.

Even so, when we discuss the issue of exclusivity and taking our profiles off of match.com, she says she is not sure and wants to keep our options open to see other people.

I’m afraid that I’m turning into the weak man that all the relationship books talk about not to be. I’m trying very hard to be the alpha male with a detached attitude, but I must confess I think I’m falling for this girl and I’m becoming more confused as to why she is calling me everyday and wanting to see me and being intimate with me when she is not ready to be exclusive with me.

Her previous relationship lasted only 3 months and she was willing to be exclusive with her ex immediately from beginning but she says its different now and she is not ready to make a commitment, not yet.

Anyway and tells me to be patient with her. I realize I don’t have any options but to accept this fact but could you help me understand what things might be running through her mind in coming to this present state and feeling from her perspective? Also what I can do to truly be the alpha male I really am.
Thank you very much,
Confused

Hi Confused,
She’s dangling the carrot of a relationship in front of you, but on her terms only.

Just stop answering the phone.

After the holidays (since I assume you have time together planned already), take a break from answering the phone until you get a real commitment from her. Answer the phone every other day. Return her messages the next day.

Let her miss you a bit and see how her attitude changes. This will help you find out of she’s just “keeping time” with you until someone better comes along or if she’s ready to make an exclusive commitment to you. But I have a feeling that since she still has her hook in the pond (she won’t take her profile off of match.com) she’s not ready to “settle” for you.

Being an “alpha male” means not only being the leader of the pack but also enforcing your rules, not living by hers.
Any relationship you have should be on your terms, not hers. And if you are ready for exclusivity (which means you don’t want to have to compete for her attention with other guys) and she isn’t, then it really is time to move on. Don’t let her make all the rules, not until you’ve moved into the exclusive dating area anyways.
Best Wishes,
Rob.

Snooping Girlfriend and the Cheating Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
I’ll get right to the point: I have major trust issues with my boyfriend of a year.

He has given me reason to distrust but we are working on it. He is a great guy but sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that he is hiding something.

Last night i snooped on his phone while he was asleep. I feel horrible about it but what I feel worse about is what i found. He was texting an old friend with a flirtatious “thinking of you” at 2:00am! I know of this friend and she supposedly knows of me. Her reply was simply, “thanks, i love you, i miss you.”

This broke my heart because I didn’t know what to think. There is every possibility that it could be friendly and every possibility that it could not. She lives in another city and I’m wondering if he has feelings for her but since she is gone, he doesn’t act on it.

I do not live with him but we are constantly together so I know there is no actual cheating, just unfaithfulness. I want to confront him real bad but I’m afraid to tell him I snooped. How should I do it? Should I do it at all? Am I over reacting? How can I make him see and understand how I feel without sounding like a crazy jealous, insecure girlfriend? thanks Rob.
Sandy

Hi Sandy,
If you want to ruin the situation you tell him from a cold start. But….

If you want him to come clean to you about what this girl means to him, ask him straight out, but like this “You know, I had a dream the other night and we were getting married and that girl you used to date showed up and you left with her. I was stranded at the altar. Are you hiding something from me?”
Just like that. Weird but to the point.

And let me tell you, if you have trust issues after 12 months of dating, there is more going on here that you talk about.

He’s hiding something, you just don’t know what. And you’re lying to yourself about what it might be, making excuses for him to yourself.

I hate to say “end the relationship” but give yourself a break… 12 months of dating and he’s communicating like that with his ex? He’s cheating on you, or at least he is “wishing” he was cheating on you. Because you’re together “every day” you give him no choice but to stay with you, but he doesn’t want you. Not totally.

You have to face up to this fact: he’s just with you until someone else comes along.

Start having a life that doesn’t include him. Be ”busy” once in a while, watch how fast he dumps you.

This will be a great test of your relationship: will he still date you if you aren’t “conveniently around” all the time?

Test him and act according to the results.
You need to know.
Best wishes,
Rob