Tag Archives: dating

Dilemma (Need your good advice ASAP)

Hi Rob,
I need your advice about my current situation now, and I’ll be glad if you could give me your insight about my problem. I didn’t wanna ask you about this because I should figure this out on my own I know, but….I am too confused now and don’t know what to do. So please help me.

First of all, I’m a 19 year old Bi girl (nobody knows and I dont intend to come out anytime soon), and I met this girl through my workplace. She’s a 28 year old co-worker from Korea. She is on a working visa thing here in Canada. We became friends quite quickly. Later, we went on a in-town trip together and that time I noticed her physical intimacy towards me. I knew that most Asians have that kind of physical intimacy with their friends so I didn’t find it weird, just I’m not used to that (holding hands thing with a friend) so I rejected to that at first. Actually I didn’t find that suspicious or anything weird so after a while, I just let her hold my hand freely (and I mean actually holding hands, not just arm) After that first trip, we went on another trip again and we actually stayed in a hotel room for one night together. I didnt do anything or was thinking about anything more than a friend to her that time, but when we were already in bed together, just her physical intimacy got more. She was cuddled up with me while her face was very close to my face that I could actually feel and hear her breathing. The next morning I asked her about that and she told me that it was just a habit and so I asked her if she ever did it to someone else or to her room-mate, and she said sometimes (But I knew not really). Actually that time, i already found it suspicious. Her physical intimacy with me is just too much but everytime I asked her about it, she always just say its normal for her and nothing weird. I didnt reject her physical intimacy with me because I actually liked that and I knew she liked that physical intimacy with me as well. But anyways, I wasn’t sure about her orientation.

Time goes by, we became closer and closer, and our physical intimacy developed very quickly and much more. Our relationship was like of a couple, we see each other EVERYDAY, from morning 9-10am till 3am, and then we fight everyday about something small or childish. Just the problem I have was she has a long time boyfriend for about 7 years in Korea…

To make my story a bit shorter… finally, while we were on the bed together after hanging out one night, we became very intimate that finally she ended up kissing me. Things were very fast and led to a more serious and stronger intimacy quickly. Actually, first her plan was to just work here until her work permit Visa expires then she will go back to Korea, but then when we were just “friends” I asked her to stay longer and so she finally made up her mind that she wanna stay here and would get a permanent residency here in Canada. So after many thinking and options, the best way she could find to quickly immigrate here was to go to Quebec and study French (cuz its easier to get residency in Quebec, just you have to pass French) So as our time together is running out, I decided to live with her for the remaining time she had here. We already had fights and discussions about her boyfriend thing and our relationship, but she didn’t clarify to me what exactly our relationship was. I KNEW exactly that we have no future together and that she can’t and would not break up with her long time boyfriend (after all, he is very useful to her and she is very used to him) I knew that. But…. I was wishing I would be more important to her. I was just hoping and praying I could change that. I asked her back then when we were just friends if she ever thought about her boyfriend if she immigrates here and she said to me that he doesnt have any influence on her decision AT ALL. That she doesnt mind him at all. So that time, I thought he’s not that important to her and she doesnt really love him. Isn’t that right?

Anyways, I know she cares about me (even though I don’t wanna think or believe that nowadays) and she likes me too, and as I said, we talked about many things and told me couple of times that if I want to end whatever relationship we have then I could. Before we moved together, we had an argument about the whole boyfriend thing and she told me its better if we don’t move together. And I knew she was right BUT…just I want her, so I did.

Just…. I want her. I already knew what I was getting into, just I thought I could make myself more important to her that she would choose me over her normal life/boyfriend. I wanna keep her no matter what, but I don’t know how now. I want to keep her and I could keep whatever kind of relationship we have now, but… it’s hurting me too much and I can’t take the fact that I’m just….a…..sideline(?) affair(?)… and that I can never have her just to myself and call her solely mine. I deserve better than this kind of relationship but just…I don’t know what love is, just… I want to be with her and next to her as much as possible. I wish we could go back as just being friends, but I can not. I want to keep her and whatever relationship we have now……..but……….I don’t know…………………………… I want to keep her no matter what and I would do anything to make it happen but I don’t know…….

Help me Rob. Could you tell me what you think and what I should do? Help me ASAP 🙁 THANK YOU SO MUCH! Would be looking forward to your reply soon.

Hi Girl in a Dilemma
While I can understand and also feel sad for the loss of relationship you now feel I must also say that you became too dependent on your “girlfriend” and now have your feelings crushed by her and her seemingly callous actions towards you.

She has chosen a life different than yours and the people that we want to share our lives with we must be sure to not try to possess them.

You are hurt because you know, deep down, she does not share with you the things you feel.

She is not yours to keep and really never was. You might be able to remain friends with her, but I don’t think that is what she wants. Her life is different from yours.

You need to stretch your wings and find love from someone that will treat you special, not as a thing to do for a little while.
Good luck,
Rob

Friends With Benefits or Dating, which is it?

Hi, Rob
My name is Sally from Philadelphia and i am 30 years old and i came across your website and i really enjoyed the advice you gave some of the people on there.

I need some advice on this guy i met online in April 17th of this year. He is a 34 year old who lives in Atlantic city New jersey and lives with his father. He goes to church often. He does have a 4 year old son who lives the mother.

Our conversations were good. We hit it off well. He was calling me 3 to 4 times a day. I started doing the same because i thought that’s what he wanted. He would often say when we have kids together and get married. We also talked about me being the one. He was the one who said all this stuff early in the dating period. He would always call me and ask me how my day went, or did i eat yet, or did i get any rest. We often talked about his family and i talked about mine.

When he first came to see me it was in the last week of April. when he got to my house i let this man kiss me and touch me in places i don’t care to explain, but you know what i mean.

This outing i am going to talk about i initiated it. The next week was his birthday May 4th he came to pick me up. He met my mother that same day. We went out to dinner and a movie and then he drove me back home. All together we went out on four outings together.

However, the first time i had sex with this man was 2 weeks after meeting him, which i know was stupid.

During this time he came to my house two times to see me and we had sex both times.

I went to visit him in jersey and i thought it was only fair to go visit him in jersey because he came to see me. Because he often talked about making a sacrifice in a relationship. But he didn’t invited me i invited myself to go see him.

It is now a month, May 31st memorial day was the last time we saw each other. When i arrived in jersey he took me to is house, his father happen to be sitting down stairs. He introduced me as his friend Sally.

He then took me and showed me his family pics of his mother who passed away and his brother and sisters photos.

He then took me and showed me around his neighborhood and should me where his brothers and sister lives. they all live pretty close in his neighborhood in jersey. We then headed off to the movies which was great. we laughed, kissed, touched each other and held hand so tight like we always do. We have so much chemistry. We went out to dinner after the movie and he took me to a motel room and we had sex. He said he couldn’t have sex in his father’s house. He also received 2 texts in the movies and 1 at 10:00pm right before we had sex. (this has been on my mind for the past few days now). The next morning he drove me back home and there was dead silence in the car. He didn’t even say Good morning to me. This is one of the things in the beginning he would always call or text to ask. How was my morning or how was my day going so far… that all has completely stopped.

It is now June 4th and he has not call me yet. I haven’t called either. I saw him online though on June 3rd because i am on his facebook page which is making it harder to not see him at all. I ask him why he hasn’t call me yet when he said June 1st he would and never called that day. He replied “LMBO” I Knew that was coming”. I then said “what did it slip your mind”. He then said “it is a possibility”. I then said you said Tuesday you would call me and never did. He replied “I did day that didn’t i”. I then told him to enjoy his game, which was so stupid of me. It’s like he doesn’t care.

The baddest part about this whole thing is i am not even his girlfriend, he hints from time to time we are a couple, but never came out and say i want you to be my girlfriend. However i did ask him early on about changing our facebook status he said we haven’t talked about it and he has a little bit more people than me to tell if he did change it.

My questions to you is

1. Was he just telling me things he taught i wanted to hear to
2. Do you think i gave him sex too fast?
3.. Why would he continue to date me even after he got sex?
4.Why would he show me family pics, take me to his church and play his guitar for me ( i did ask him in the beginning of the dating period to play for me sometime) and show where his family lives.
5.Why would he take me out in public hold hands if not interested?
6. Is there any chance of a long-term relationship or is it doomed for us?
7.Is there someone else?
Should i move on?

My mother keeps telling me he will call, give it some time she says, because she likes him a lot, but deep down why do i feel it in my gut and it’s a weird feeling and i know he won’t call. I have been crying for 3 days straight now. I just need some sound advice.
Thanks.

Hi Sally,
This guy has real connection issues and believes that dating is sex, so when it’s over it’s like turning a page, looking for a new story to appear instead of a continuation of the same story.

Weird, right?

You need answers and he gives you lies and “later we’ll talk about it”. Which is an answer in itself, just not the type of answer you expect or are prepared for.

Ignore his emails, ignore his texts, when he calls, if he ever does, tell him to meet you at a specific place, at a specific time and tell him to bring his wallet, he’s buying dinner.

If he falters, then he’s not interested enough to continue this relationship unless it’s free sex included… geesh, you’ll be doing it in the back seat of his car if he can’t find a cheap enough motel… ugh.

Pull yourself back to reality and wish for the best but plan for the worst.

Email me any time,
Best wishes,
Rob

**** Continued ****

Dear Rob,
Well it’s too late he took me to a cheap motel room on the 31st of may and we had sex. On the way back home in the car the next morning was dead silence. I knew something wasn’t right. He took me to work that same morning because i asked him too he said yes. I ask him for a kiss and he kissed me back and said i’ll call you later. It has been 1 week no call. I did however confront him on facebook Thursday June 3rd 2010 about why he didn’t call when he said he would his answers were very short and he even laughed and said i knew that was coming. At the end of the conversation i told him to enjoy his basketball game. I haven’t call since and i don’t plan on it.

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Thanks.

Dear Sally,
Sorry to hear what has transpired since your email.
To answer your questions:

1.Should i have confronted him on facebook about it or should i have left it alone?. Did this make me seem angry or crazy in his eyes?
No confrontation online, you need to talk like adults.

2.Should i remove him off my facebook page?…i don’t want to make it seem like i am upset about the non calls from him, because i can’t even go online and chat with my friends without even seeing him on there i know i will be tempted to click on his name.
Remove him, see if he cares about it or not. Likely he won’t care and will finally feel free of you, as if you’re breaking up with him first.

3. Why did he take me to the motel room, i told him i never done that before plus it was late at night so i couldn’t get back home.
He wanted to sleep wit you, no other answer needed. BUT you did allow it to happen, so you need to ask yourself why are you having sex with him? Do you really think that’s how you get a boyfriend? By offering him a booty call?

4. Should i simply move on with my life?
Yes, move on, hard life lesson learned.

From this point forward you should consider yourself single and don’t put out within the first 6 months of dating.
If a guy is serious, he’ll wait, if he doesn’t, well you were just being used in the first place…

Best wishes,
Rob

Breakup and Sex: A Long Distance Story

Dear Rob,
Hi. I am very confused right now.

I was dating this new guy for a couple months and things were going good, but a few months ago I broke up with him because I had moved out of town & the long distance wasn’t working for me. Although my ex later tells me that the breakup was a total surprise to him because he thought everything was going really good. He even said that he could have loved me.

I still see him and hang out with him & his family whenever im in town and whenever we’re with each other, it’s like we never broke up. We still sit next to each other, snuggle up under the blanket together & even still have sex.

I have been very devastated with my breaking off the relationship & i’ve been wanting to get back together with him. He always says he still cares about me & he always takes care of me when I need him.

He even let me stay with him & his family when I got kicked out of my parents house.

I have been wondering if maybe he wanted me back to so I asked him what he thought of us and our relationship but unfortunately he replied saying that he needed to tell me before I got to thinking something.

That what has been going on with us is just fun and that he doesn’t want me letting myself get hurt.

I asked why he didn’t want to be with me again thinking maybe it was because he was afraid of me leaving him again, but he said that he was single and that he wanted to stay single.

I am now so confused of what he wants from me and what I should do. I would greatly appreciate your advice!
Sincerely,
A Confused Woman

Hi Confused,
Break off with him completely and do it now.

You’re just “fun and sex” now that you’re not 100% available because of the distance involved.
You will not have a relationship that works because he cannot commit to you.

End things now and stay away from him. He has said the truth, he wants to stay single and that does not put you into the picture of the life he wants for himself.

If he calls, then tell him what I said (tell him you read a similar situation online). He will either explain or say it’s the truth. Then you will have your answer from him.

Best wishes,
Rob

Does A Relationship Need A Timetable?

Hi advice guy!
You’ve answered me a couple times in the past and I’ve been very appreciative. I’m hoping maybe you have some advice for my current situation.

So, I’ve been dating a guy for six months now. When I met him, he had been divorced for almost a year and separated from his wife for a year and a half. His ex-wife pretty much pulled the rug out from underneath him one day and said she wanted out of the marriage. He found out about a month later that she was having an affair with a 55 year old professor at the college they both attended. Now that I’ve met his family and known him for 6 months, I am very confident that while things were probably not perfect between them, the divorce was mostly about her father issues. I don’t think my guy was much of a factor, though he probably missed some red flags about her since he married her when he was fairly young.

Now, he and I have a very good relationship. He still does a lot of pursuing, thought I reciprocate a lot more now. We spend a ton of time together, we have great chemistry on all levels, lots of fun together, etc, etc. All in all, it’s a very good fit and I’ve felt for a while now that I have probably met the person I will marry.

He seems to know that’s where we are headed, and it clearly terrifies him. He says it’s not so much the getting married part, but everything that has to happen after that overwhelms him — buying a house, having kids, etc. Though, he has been very clear that he wants a family some day. He told me he would never understand what he’s feeling right now unless he had been through the divorce and that he knows it’s probably hard for me to understand why he feels that way. He said he doesn’t want to date anyone else, he loves me and thinks I’m wonderful, but he just wants to take things one day at a time right now. Basically, things are great with us right now. We enjoy being with eachother a lot. He’s just uncertain about how soon he wants to do the marriage thing, while at the same time putting a lot of pressure on himself because he says he’s not the kind of guy who’s going to date me for two years without either moving things forward or ending it as soon as he knows he’s not ready to get married for a while.

So, in a nut shell, here is my fear: In six months or so, he’s still not ready to get married again and we break up because of it. The thing is, I have no timeframe and I’m putting no pressure on him. He’s doing all of that to himself. I just love being with him, and if we get married some day, I want it to be because he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, not because we’ve been dating for a while and it’s the “right thing to do”.

He treats me so well. He’s planned several very nice things for my birthday in December. We’re going on a trip together in January. I’ve met his whole family and he says they like me a lot. He calls me pretty much every day to talk, at least for a little while, he spends a ton of time with me. He does small sweet things for me too. He’s very thoughtful and caring.

In a way, I feel like there’s nothing I can do except what he said — take things one day at a time and things will become clear to him eventually. It just feels like such a huge risk. Things are great right now, but I’m very scared about the future with him.

Do you have any advice for me in this situation? Is there anything I should be doing or not doing? Do you think it will just take time for him to work through the remnants of his first marriage and that he’ll come around eventually? He is such a genuine person with a pure heart. Part of me is sure he will work through this and things will be fine. But part of me is worried.

Thank you in advance for your advice!
Susie

Hi Susie,
You have everything to be worried about. From what you’ve told me, on one level he’s this great guy, full of fun and affection, while on another level he’s this scared little kid about dealing with the future.

If he was a friend of mine in this situation I’d tell him that shit happens and to get his head out of his ass and love the woman he’s with and plan a future together. (Excuse my boldness.)

History does not have to repeat itself but if this is what he’s afraid of then he needs counselling to deal with these issues because they will not go away on their own, nor will they diminish over time.

Taking life one day at a time is a huge red flag that he may bolt when things do come to the point where he can’t deal with them. And, unfortunately, the clock is ticking.
Best wishes,
Rob

The Inadvertent Player

Dear Rob,
Five years back I got in touch with my old 8th grade friend from back home. We got in touch through emails and became really good friends. He used to be affectionate and used to tell me its only as a degree of affection as a friend. I was like ok.

I visited him and we met a couple of times when I went back home. Then also he used to say I love you and I miss you. But every time he used to say it’s only as a friend. I got back and again we were in touch through emails. Suddenly he changed, started flirting with me so much. The flirting became so deep that he asked me if I can wait for 2 years, then he will marry me. I always told him I cannot commit without my dad’s consent and asked him to talk to my dad.

But I clearly showed back affection and interest towards him. He was like “ya..I’ll talk to your dad and we can marry”. For 5 or 6 months this continued. He talked almost like we were in a relationship. One day, suddenly he changed and started saying that whatever he did to me is all “legpulling”. I was so shocked, cried and asked him why did he all this to me.

All he was saying is he just leggpulled. he said he likes me but didn’t think beyond that (like going for a long-time relationship or marriage). He asked me if I seriously wanna get into a relation with him. He gave a few days time to think and tell him. I told yes, and after I told him yes, he was like I also need to think and decide.

He suggested me to wait for 6 to 8 months, and he told me we can understand each other for few months and then decide. I told him ok. After 6 months, He is still not sure about anything, and now he is saying destiny will decide in the future. I told him clearly lets quit everything and be good friends.

For that also, he is not so ready to quit me forever. He still wants me to hang on to him and saying lets be friends now with out any expectations and destiny will decide. But I clearly told him to quit everything. He said he will decide about the quitting and will tell his decision soon.

I simply couldn’t understand this guys intention? Is he playing with me? Should I quit him forever? I’m confused.

One thing he tells me he might not have pulled my legs if he knew that I liked him in that sense. Did he really do legpulling with me for 5 months? I cannot believe how some one can pull legs for 5 months continuously? Is he lying about legpulling? He also said he pull his other close female friend legs and those gals never misunderstood him.
Thanks,
Tina

Hi Tina,
Guys like this act the way they do for two reasons:
1. See how far they can “get” with you when you’re with them, and;
2. It’s comforting for them to experience “love and affection” when they are really just waiting for someone better to come along.

This guy has been playing you, whether he really meant to or not.
It’s time to not only give him space, but to leave him be.
This is the type of guy that would cheat on you, break up with you and come crawling back, over and over.

He’s the type that would take you for granted, because you really would love him and he really hasn’t experienced “love” for you.

Dump him.
Don’t contact him anymore.
Look for someone that will treat you with respect and real love.
Best wishes,
Rob.