I’ve been looking aimlessly for help and recently I stumbled upon your site and I really like the advice you give so I was hoping to come to you in seek of personal advice.
You see me and this girl both in high school (both 16) go to the same school but never talked to each or had any contact ever.
About a month ago I found out form a friend that she thought I was really cute and when my friend told her that I’d be interested she was beyond overwhelmed.
The thing that got me the most is that she is by far the most beautiful girl in our grade of and perhaps the most prettiest in the school. She is really popular and she mostly hangs out with older kids.
However myself, well I’m just an average person nothing special or popular or anything like that and for someone like her to notice me is just absurd.
But anyways, my friend gave her my number, screen name and all that and told her I’d contact her which I did and we started to talk casually and it was really great.
She talked to my friend and told her friend that she was thinking of going out with me which confused me because we only talked for about a week but I still continued on.
Things were absolutely perfect and we were planning on seeing each other since we never even spoke one word in person to each other. The first time we made contact was the day after we first talked when I said a casual hello and she waved with a large smile. We then talked again online and we agreed to hangout sometime during the break which was soon approaching.
As we talked for the two weeks before break she began to stop talking in middle of our conversation.
I found it out from her friend that she loves to play hard to get and does this to every guy. I figured I’d have to play back only I did not know how so my friends gave me advice.
Well she was beginning to be cold and things looked confusing until I asked her to hangout and she did not answer. Then late that night she texted me with smiley faces and exclamation point saying hey, however I did not reply.
I instead talked to her the next day and never spoke of what happened that night. We then talked again about hanging out before the breeak and when I asked she did not reply again. I waited for 20 minutes and then said well I guess you don’t want to be bothered. She quickly replied saying I’m sorry I didn’t see your instant message but I’d love to hangout.
So we set a day for the break and I was beyond excited.
As the day approached I tried to contact her but it was to no avail. Instead I contacted her friend who was also joining us along with my friend so we could all be comfortable.
Her friend said that she couldn’t anymore because she wasn’t going to be around. I was baffled because we made the plans one week in advance and she never even bothered to tell me that she couldn’t hang out anymore.
I decided to not talk to her and just forget about it until she contacted me two days after apologizing and saying that she would be free to do something the next day if I was still willing. Of course I said ok and things were perfect until this time her friend couldn’t come because she had practice for her team. She told me it was ok and that we would find another time.
Later that night my friends tried to surprise me by taking me out to see her so I called her to see what she was doing and she said that she was with another one of her friends and that she would call me back as soon as she got ready.
So my friends and I drove around waiting until we called her friend who said that she must have fell asleep because she was tired and went home.
I later found out this was a lie and that she really went to some other kid’s house. The next day her friend said that she talked to her and she said to her that “I text her almost everyday and she isn’t that type of girl who likes to be bothered all the time”.
I really was confused because just two weeks earlier she was going crazy for me and all into me and she always thought I was cute and wanted to hangout with me even saying she was thinking of starting a relationship with me.
Now all of a sudden she just changed? How? Why?
I am so confused because I was so sweet to her and although I did text/instant message her almost everyday we still were fine.
School has started once again and since that day we haven’t talked, its been about two weeks now I just don’t know what to do.
It is vey hard for me to move on and I really am open to anything to get her back, I just don’t want to waste this chance I had at an amazing girl please help me!
How could I mess up such a big opportunity when I was so nice and sweet to her.
What could I have possibly done wrong and can I turn it all around?
I’m very sorry that this is long, I just need help hopefully you can do that for me. thank-you for your time..
– Lost Without a Clue
Hi Lost without a clue,
I feel your pain but what you are experiencing is a normal part of growing up.
Boy likes girl,
boy talks with girl,
girl suddenly ignores boy,
boy can’t figure out what went wrong and gets depressed.
The main problem is that guys and girls, under 21, maybe even older, have a real lack of communication skills.
It’s easy to chat online, send smileys and all that, but nothing important and interesting is ever said. There is no real communication because you haven’t been taught what to say.
And when face-to-face time is available, both guy and girl don’t know what to say, what the next step is, so they play shy and rely on the other to say something like “Let’s hang out” which is a basic promise that isn’t followed up because it starts the whole “Dating thing” cycle, which can lead to a breakup, which also leads to heartache and who wants to go there?
So, the guy likes the girl, the girl likes the guy and the relationship is stalemated because no one wants to take the next step and have to worry about rejection and breakup. Or what friends might say and all kinds of nervous things like that.
If you’ve been able to follow along, this means that you didn’t mess up, you haven’t lost a great opportunity because it never really existed!
You were being played but not in a bad way, this just happened because there are no rules to follow for young people to just “hang out” and try to “date each other” and understand what is going on.
So, because these are unwritten rules, they are instinctive, not verbal, I will give it my best shot to provide a guideline that will get her back for you.
If you have something positive to say, then say it. Don’t chat online by sending smileys, that really isn’t communicating, is it? If you have to IM her, tell her what you’re doing right now, tell her what you have planned tomorrow and ask her to meet up with you, then end the IM.
Sending smileys and silly IM notes is really just an empty, awkward pause in a conversation and get’s boring really fast, so just don’t do it.
The main reason teens don’t date is because they don’t know what to say, although they know what type of response they’d like.
Heartache and heartbreak is very real at this age (well, really at any age) but the nervousness of being ignored or rejected can be overcome by communicating with the girl you like.
2. Hanging out
One of the hardest part of liking a beautiful, popular girl (and even the shy ones for the most part) is planning a time to spend together, to hang out, where there won’t be any awkwardness.
To avoid this awkwardness you nee to “have a plan” that when you meet up with her, you have something to do with her. And I’m not talking about anything sexual, just something to do together, like window shopping, talking about vacations, places you’d like top see, the career you want to do, not too heavy but fun, interesting talks together. Walk in a local park, go to a local museum, head to the library and check out some books… get the point? Hanging out with her doesn’t need to cost any money but it must involve the two of you, of the two of you and some friends, actually doing something.
3. Sharing each other’s company
You like her, she likes you, and you know this because of you asking her friends whether she likes you and so this game begins. But, and this is a biggie, if you act on the info from her friends at this point you must, directly, ask her to hang out with you at a certain time, a certain place.
If you both are too shy to plan actual time together, whether alone or with friends, too shy to talk about things without awkward pauses, then you need to remember, you are sharing time together.
It’s very likely you are sharing the same feelings for each other too, but cannot overcome time, space, and the mass confusion of life that surrounds you to easily overcome this awkward pause of life and get together.
So you need to say to her (NOT I like you) I want to hang out with you at “this place” on “this time”.
Have a plan to share time together, make the effort, don’t just roll along like a tumbleweed, waiting for someone else make the magic happen between the two of you.
4. Understanding the very real chance that getting together might involve breaking up at some point too
Hanging out, spending time together, is all very good and real. But, at a young age it’s easy to make future plans with the one you like that aren’t really going to happen. You are always on the verge of the awkwardness happening and a break in sharing, a break in communication, then it happens, she doesn’t like you any more and you find yourself in a break-up. Getting together, spending time together, is great. But don’t plan for the long away future with her because then she knows that you’re really just a wussy and she can control you and she wants a guy that’s great too and she ends things with you because you want her more than she wants you and you’re just dragging her down and you talk about nothing and when you say you love her it’s just because she’s popular or great looking but doesn’t involve the real, inner her, and she senses this and dumps you.
Out of these 4 sections we can boil everything down to:
Don’t be a wussy;
Talk with her and when the talking is done, well stop talking. End the IM, hang up the phone, stop texting her, etc;
Have a plan;
Share time at first, share feelings after the real connection is made;
Be nice toward her but be calm and cool too, understand that women like guys that seem to have everything under control, not nerds or jerks.
There are a lot of places to find more info like this and I suggest: www.doubleyourdating.com
This will give you a heads up, even if you don’t buy the ebook but just read the weekly newsletters.
So, now you know what to do and handle this situation with the girl you like.