Tag Archives: first date

When he likes you too much: After the first date

Hello Rob!
I hope you can help me with my dilemma.

I went on a first date with this guy. Before the first date he literally texted me or called me twice a day saying that he thought I was beautiful and sweet and that he couldn’t wait to see me. We finally went on our first date and it was wonderful. He kept caressing my hand and forearm during the movie. He put his hand on my knee and caressed it. I loved it and I realized, in my head, that he was right: we had an incredible connection.

He walked me to my car holding my hand and after getting over his obvious nerves he kissed me three times goodnight. (No tongue. Very sweet and classy) The next day I texted him, “good morning” and he responded, “Did you like me? :)” I told him, “yes”. I asked him if he liked me and he said, “NO! I kiss and hold hands with all the girls. Goofball! :)” Obviously, he meant yes but he didn’t REALLY say yes like I did.

Ever since then, he rarely calls me and he doesn’t respond to my texts right away. It has been about two weeks of this nonsense. I finally updated my facebook status generally saying, “I give up. I’m indifferent now.” I didn’t mention names but I’m sure he knew I was referring to him. Within the hour he sent me an email apologizing for being out of touch but that his mum was sick. I hope he’s not lying. He said that he enjoyed my company and thinks I’m a lot of fun but didn’t invite me for a second date.

What should I do? Ignore him? Forget him? Confront him about what he wants with me? Just to let you know, I’m 25 and he’s 41. I thought he would be too mature to be playing games like these. I guess I was wrong.
Any advice you can give me will be appreciated.
Thanks in advance.
K

Hi K,
The guy sounds flakey to me and if you continue to date him you’ll find that you’re not the only fish in his sea.

He showed way to much attention and pressured you to see him how he sees himself, which isn’t attraction is narcissistic.

He owes you an apology, but don’t expect more lovey-dovey attitudes without corresponding escalation of pressure on you to like/love him too.

If you do continue to see him, find out as much as you can why his previous relationships fell apart, that will be the big red warning sign I see in your future.

Best wishes,
Rob

Please Help Me With The Girl I Like

Dear Rob,
I’ve been looking aimlessly for help and recently I stumbled upon your site and I really like the advice you give so I was hoping to come to you in seek of personal advice.

You see me and this girl both in high school (both 16) go to the same school but never talked to each or had any contact ever.

About a month ago I found out form a friend that she thought I was really cute and when my friend told her that I’d be interested she was beyond overwhelmed.

The thing that got me the most is that she is by far the most beautiful girl in our grade of and perhaps the most prettiest in the school. She is really popular and she mostly hangs out with older kids.

However myself, well I’m just an average person nothing special or popular or anything like that and for someone like her to notice me is just absurd.

But anyways, my friend gave her my number, screen name and all that and told her I’d contact her which I did and we started to talk casually and it was really great.

She talked to my friend and told her friend that she was thinking of going out with me which confused me because we only talked for about a week but I still continued on.

Things were absolutely perfect and we were planning on seeing each other since we never even spoke one word in person to each other. The first time we made contact was the day after we first talked when I said a casual hello and she waved with a large smile. We then talked again online and we agreed to hangout sometime during the break which was soon approaching.

As we talked for the two weeks before break she began to stop talking in middle of our conversation.

I found it out from her friend that she loves to play hard to get and does this to every guy. I figured I’d have to play back only I did not know how so my friends gave me advice.

Well she was beginning to be cold and things looked confusing until I asked her to hangout and she did not answer. Then late that night she texted me with smiley faces and exclamation point saying hey, however I did not reply.

I instead talked to her the next day and never spoke of what happened that night. We then talked again about hanging out before the breeak and when I asked she did not reply again. I waited for 20 minutes and then said well I guess you don’t want to be bothered. She quickly replied saying I’m sorry I didn’t see your instant message but I’d love to hangout.

So we set a day for the break and I was beyond excited.

As the day approached I tried to contact her but it was to no avail. Instead I contacted her friend who was also joining us along with my friend so we could all be comfortable.

Her friend said that she couldn’t anymore because she wasn’t going to be around. I was baffled because we made the plans one week in advance and she never even bothered to tell me that she couldn’t hang out anymore.

I decided to not talk to her and just forget about it until she contacted me two days after apologizing and saying that she would be free to do something the next day if I was still willing. Of course I said ok and things were perfect until this time her friend couldn’t come because she had practice for her team. She told me it was ok and that we would find another time.

Later that night my friends tried to surprise me by taking me out to see her so I called her to see what she was doing and she said that she was with another one of her friends and that she would call me back as soon as she got ready.

So my friends and I drove around waiting until we called her friend who said that she must have fell asleep because she was tired and went home.

I later found out this was a lie and that she really went to some other kid’s house. The next day her friend said that she talked to her and she said to her that “I text her almost everyday and she isn’t that type of girl who likes to be bothered all the time”.

I really was confused because just two weeks earlier she was going crazy for me and all into me and she always thought I was cute and wanted to hangout with me even saying she was thinking of starting a relationship with me.

Now all of a sudden she just changed? How? Why?

I am so confused because I was so sweet to her and although I did text/instant message her almost everyday we still were fine.

School has started once again and since that day we haven’t talked, its been about two weeks now I just don’t know what to do.

It is vey hard for me to move on and I really am open to anything to get her back, I just don’t want to waste this chance I had at an amazing girl please help me!

How could I mess up such a big opportunity when I was so nice and sweet to her.

What could I have possibly done wrong and can I turn it all around?

I’m very sorry that this is long, I just need help hopefully you can do that for me. thank-you for your time..
– Lost Without a Clue

Hi Lost without a clue,
I feel your pain but what you are experiencing is a normal part of growing up.

Boy likes girl,
boy talks with girl,
girl suddenly ignores boy,
boy can’t figure out what went wrong and gets depressed.

The main problem is that guys and girls, under 21, maybe even older, have a real lack of communication skills.

It’s easy to chat online, send smileys and all that, but nothing important and interesting is ever said. There is no real communication because you haven’t been taught what to say.
And when face-to-face time is available, both guy and girl don’t know what to say, what the next step is, so they play shy and rely on the other to say something like “Let’s hang out” which is a basic promise that isn’t followed up because it starts the whole “Dating thing” cycle, which can lead to a breakup, which also leads to heartache and who wants to go there?

So, the guy likes the girl, the girl likes the guy and the relationship is stalemated because no one wants to take the next step and have to worry about rejection and breakup. Or what friends might say and all kinds of nervous things like that.

If you’ve been able to follow along, this means that you didn’t mess up, you haven’t lost a great opportunity because it never really existed!

You were being played but not in a bad way, this just happened because there are no rules to follow for young people to just “hang out” and try to “date each other” and understand what is going on.

So, because these are unwritten rules, they are instinctive, not verbal, I will give it my best shot to provide a guideline that will get her back for you.

1. Communication

If you have something positive to say, then say it. Don’t chat online by sending smileys, that really isn’t communicating, is it? If you have to IM her, tell her what you’re doing right now, tell her what you have planned tomorrow and ask her to meet up with you, then end the IM.

Sending smileys and silly IM notes is really just an empty, awkward pause in a conversation and get’s boring really fast, so just don’t do it.

The main reason teens don’t date is because they don’t know what to say, although they know what type of response they’d like.

Heartache and heartbreak is very real at this age (well, really at any age) but the nervousness of being ignored or rejected can be overcome by communicating with the girl you like.

2. Hanging out

One of the hardest part of liking a beautiful, popular girl (and even the shy ones for the most part) is planning a time to spend together, to hang out, where there won’t be any awkwardness.

To avoid this awkwardness you nee to “have a plan” that when you meet up with her, you have something to do with her. And I’m not talking about anything sexual, just something to do together, like window shopping, talking about vacations, places you’d like top see, the career you want to do, not too heavy but fun, interesting talks together. Walk in a local park, go to a local museum, head to the library and check out some books… get the point? Hanging out with her doesn’t need to cost any money but it must involve the two of you, of the two of you and some friends, actually doing something.

3. Sharing each other’s company

You like her, she likes you, and you know this because of you asking her friends whether she likes you and so this game begins. But, and this is a biggie, if you act on the info from her friends at this point you must, directly, ask her to hang out with you at a certain time, a certain place.

If you both are too shy to plan actual time together, whether alone or with friends, too shy to talk about things without awkward pauses, then you need to remember, you are sharing time together.

It’s very likely you are sharing the same feelings for each other too, but cannot overcome time, space, and the mass confusion of life that surrounds you to easily overcome this awkward pause of life and get together.

So you need to say to her (NOT I like you) I want to hang out with you at “this place” on “this time”.

Have a plan to share time together, make the effort, don’t just roll along like a tumbleweed, waiting for someone else make the magic happen between the two of you.

4. Understanding the very real chance that getting together might involve breaking up at some point too

Hanging out, spending time together, is all very good and real. But, at a young age it’s easy to make future plans with the one you like that aren’t really going to happen. You are always on the verge of the awkwardness happening and a break in sharing, a break in communication, then it happens, she doesn’t like you any more and you find yourself in a break-up. Getting together, spending time together, is great. But don’t plan for the long away future with her because then she knows that you’re really just a wussy and she can control you and she wants a guy that’s great too and she ends things with you because you want her more than she wants you and you’re just dragging her down and you talk about nothing and when you say you love her it’s just because she’s popular or great looking but doesn’t involve the real, inner her, and she senses this and dumps you.

Out of these 4 sections we can boil everything down to:

Don’t be a wussy;

Talk with her and when the talking is done, well stop talking. End the IM, hang up the phone, stop texting her, etc;

Have a plan;

Share time at first, share feelings after the real connection is made;

Be nice toward her but be calm and cool too, understand that women like guys that seem to have everything under control, not nerds or jerks.

There are a lot of places to find more info like this and I suggest: www.doubleyourdating.com

This will give you a heads up, even if you don’t buy the ebook but just read the weekly newsletters.

So, now you know what to do and handle this situation with the girl you like.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Bible Study And Dating

Dear Rob,
I joined this bible study a couple of months ago, and I met this really fantastic girl, she is funny and witty and we are always teasing each other.

When we go out we normally separate from the other bible study members when walking and talk in general. I’ve been meaning to ask her out on a date rather than a group date but I fear rejection and loss of her friendship.

I asked her once, if her and her sister ever wanted to go to the movies with me and a friend who is also in the group that she should let me know as she has my number. She just laughed. That was 2 months ago and she hasn’t asked about my offer since.

We are always playing mind games and she always hits me when I tease her, and she is comfortable around me as she always stands close to me when were out. She is 23, I’m 25 but I get the feeling she has never been out with a guy before, but she’d be highly sought after. What should I do because I now I’ll stop coming to the bible study if she rejects me?
Regards,
Jimmy

Hi Jimmy,
I think that she’s starting to feel comfortable around you, but play it safe. Do the group thing for a while longer.

One on one dating is something she may not be ready for and if you pressure her you’ll lose her for good. But why start with asking her for just a date, or even a double date?

Invite her for a coffee and dessert somewhere quiet after the next bible study class. Nothing fancy, nothing formal. Invite others too if it’ll make it easier for you.

Keep the pressure low and her interest high.

It’s always quite possible that you are just amusing enough to hold her attention during bible study but not any other time.

Does she have a phone number? Email?

For many shy women, starting the ‘get-to-know-you’ period of a relationship, which is the road you are on, is easier via phone calls and emails than face-to-face.

Do not fear her rejecting you. Rejection is your friend because if she does continue to say no, at least you’ll be available for other women, right?

As for ending your bible study if you get rejected by this girl. Think about it.

Is bible study just a way to score with the girls?

Your priorities may need to be checked.

Keep God in your life and trust Him.
Girls come and go, you’re old enough to understand that.
Best wishes,
Rob.