Tag Archives: Friends With Benefits

He is getting what he wants, what about me?

hi, i hope this works!!

i was searching random things on the internet when i happened across your site and thought that maybe this would be a good oportunity to get some answers… i’m young, only 19 so i’ll understand if you think i’m taking this way too seriously; but i’m also renowned for being very mature for my age. i’ve had a tough life as short as it is so i don’t normally put up with this kind of thing; but i also tend to be the sort of person or forgets to take care of herself as she always puts others first. i think this is what this is, and this is getting far out of hand.

i met a guy through a friend 2 and a half years ago; there was one of those “instant connections” i guess people like to call them, but i was hard about it and firm that i wasn’t going to let anything happen. he was super sweet and shy, i was more outgoing and forthcoming. i say what i think, mean what i say, and can be a bitch if i need to get the point across. i didn’t want a relationship and without even thinking of what he wanted i shut him out. besides seeing each other at work we didn’t associate; but there was always a closeness between us that in most people seems to lead to something…. if you let it. about 6 months ago the same friend had a graduation party; and she invited the same guy. we met up and after not seeing each other for nearly a year we started talking immediately. i’m usually very guarded around people especially guys but with him it’s always been natural to be touchy and close which is how i think things started. after the party i went home, without him; i never asked for an email, a number, just like before i made it clear i wasn’t interested.

he pawned my number off a friend and started texting me the very next day. after that, it was texting, every 10 minutes, from the early morning till late at night, or calling for a quick chat (we didn’t live in the same town). we started meeting up at parties or get togethers with friends. at first it was just talking but like i said before; it was always very touchy and close. i guess if i was smart i would have stopped it but i wasn’t looking for a relationship; it was just fun. our friends started to notice the way we acted around each other; the next thing i knew people are asking if we’re going out. i said no, thinking i’d just got out of a bad relationship so a friend was all i saw in him. after another week he showed up at work with flowers. drove me home or to places i needed to go. we started talking about very personal things, both of us. how we went from 0 to 160 in just a few weeks i have no idea… but i decided to talk to him about what we wanted. we both agreed a relationship might not be the best thing at the time. we were happy with that. but things just got worse. when we moved to the same city to start college we started seeing each other even more frequently. that same month we ended up sleeping together several times. again, driving me places, to and from school, buying me lunch… bringing me roses just because he “knew i liked them.” when i asked him if he wanted a relationship he again said no. by this time i was so confused i didn’t know what to think. he claims he has no feelings for me but i don’t know whether or not to believe him anymore. i guess we’re FWB; but i was always under the impression that FWB was no emotion. if that’s the case why does he kiss my forehead or hold my hand walking down the street? why did he sneak up behind me in the mall just yesterday when i was walking with my ENTIRE family, just to hug me and say hi? why did lastnight when he came over, he didn’t correct my older cousin (who rents with me) when she asked if we were still dating? then only 10 minutes after that crawl into my bed for the whole “benefits” thing? i don’t get it, why would he let my cousin believe that we are dating if to me he’s firm that we are only FWB? everyone laughs when we say we’re FWB. no one believes it. i don’t know if i do anymore either. i did before; i was fine with it, honestly; i mean i care about him but the fact that he was seeing other people (or at least i’m assuming he is i have no proof) never bothered me. as long as he was being safe it didn’t concern me. now i just want to know. i’ve asked but the answer is always the same. i don’t know what to think about his body language or the way he acts around me. i push him away and he pulls me back. i try to get the facts straight and he fights to keep them muddled. is he confused? or am i just a stupid fool being played for my body?

he’s had a lot of bad things happen; including bad relationships. up until now i’ve been letting that be the excuse for his odd behaviour. all i ever really think i wanted from this, was to help him figure things out. now maybe i’m realizing i’m making them worse? i tried breaking it off 2 weeks ago; he got so depressed he skipped 3 days of school. we made up, and since then he’s been beyond happy. i want him to be happy. but at the same time i want to know i’m doing the right thing. i don’t know if this is helping or hurting him. maybe even holding him back…. i don’t know guys i don’t even pretend to. that’s why i need your help? i’ve asked everyone i know if this is normal and everyone seems just as confused as i am. i’ve wondered if maybe i should just take the reigns and drop him again and just ignore the fact that it hurts him 🙁 or should i try to go back to the friends? just friends, no benefits, no touching, just friends? please help, because this is driving me to the end of my rope! there has to be something i can say or do to sort this all out….? hope to hear from you soon… sincerely, “a girl going mad”

Hi Girl Going Mad,
Sadly, in a few hundred words you’ve written the manual of how a guy can start a “friends with benefits” arrangement with a girl.
A little sweet talk, taking up all of her time with email, phone calls, texting, etc. Unexpected gifts and unexpected appearances round up how to hold her attention all the while saying you aren’t dating, there is no relationship, but thanks for the sex anyways.

And yes, likely he’s seeing other girls, or setting up his next FWB at the very least.

You need to do this immediately (or as soon as possible today!):
-Talk face-to-face with him and say “If you’re not going to give me a promise ring and start telling people we are “seriously” dating then I don’t want to see you again.

You have to be tough. He’s using you and telling you that he’s using you but you hold onto the hope that he will decide to be your boyfriend, all the while life is passing you by. He owes you either a future or a very big explanation.

You’ve wasted far too much time on this guy to have no “benefits” yourself and sex is not a benefit for you, it’s something you’re giving him for free.
Ugh.

I recommend being done with him, set him free and don’t look back. You’ve created a relationship that is not a relationship and you need to walk away from this now.

Email me and let me know what happens, at least I care what happens next and will listen to you.

Best wishes,
Rob

FWB and Home Cooked meals

Hi Rob!
I found your email on the advicegeneral.com website and really like the way you give advice to so many women. Is it possible that you can offer me your advice as well? If so, this is my situation:

I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months now, but started to sleep with him around the 2nd-3rd month. I then asked him what we were and he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship so we’re practically fwb (friends with benefits). I continued to see him (with the sex), but after a month I started to feel weird and told him that I couldn’t do the fwb thing unless we were in a relationship. He said he was ok with being friends with no sex and still wanted to keep in touch.

But after a few days, he called and we ended up hooking up again. But lately he’s been acting really sweet to me, bringing me homecooked meals and acting well-mannered towards me (helped me shop for school supplies, I’m 32 and in college). But he still only contacts me every 2-3 days and we usually end up having sex after eating dinner or hanging out (lately I’ve been buying dinner since he’s very short on money). But last night, I called him and asked to go see him. We hung out at his friend’s house and then afterwards, he said he had to go home because he had to wake up early to work with his dad. This time, he didn’t ask me for any kind of sex.

After a few days, feeling confused again, I hung out with him and told him that I really can’t sleep with him unless we were in a relationship, and then he agreed that we shouldn’t sleep together because he said he didn’t want me to get too attached. He also said that he really can’t have a relationship because he still needs to straighten out his life (he’s 22, out of work, dragging along in college and lives in a 2-bedroom house with his dad and 7 siblings).

But then later on that night, we ended up in bed again. I feel bad now. But I really don’t know how he feels about me. It’s as if he cares but doesn’t.

I don’t even know if he really considers me as a friend. Does this mean he likes me for more than a fwb? Please help. I like this guy alot! I also feel so empty now. I’ve tried to ignore him, but it’s too hard because I really like him and treasure our friendship that we’ve built (at least from my perspective).

Thank you. I hope you can help me with this situation. Your advice is so greatly appreciated!
Sincerely,
Shirley

Hi Shirley,
It’s time to break things off, now!

He has said numerous times that he doesn’t want a girlfriend (or at least you as a girlfriend) and that he just wants sex.

Enticements of food and other goodies just makes it easier for him to have sex with you, he’s less guilty and get what he wants.

You get nothing, really.

Break it off and work on your self-esteem and read books to have a better understanding of men.

You can move to a better, more positive place, but only of you’re out of the place you’re in now!
Best wishes,
Rob

The Classic Ignoring Game

Hi Rob,
Recently me and my ex-boyfriend have been talking to each other again and doing some casual flirting.

Our first break-up was not very good (I broke up with him) but somehow we were able to pull our friendship back up, we were really close friends before we started dating. Over the summer we thought about getting back together but for some reason it didn’t feel right to me (chemistry?).

We had gone to the movies over the summer and it ended with a kiss and even though he sort of asked me out (he mentioned the fact that he felt it was implied over the internet that night on IM, I begged to differ) I didn’t go back out with him. Nevertheless after a really big fight, and a rough patch we were able to casually talk again.

In October when we had no school he came over to watch a movie and we ended up making out. It didn’t go any further than that and he was still extremely sweet.

He joked around a lot with me, spun me around in circles in my room and even gave me a piggy back ride downstairs. Now he isn’t the football type guy who gets all the girls and does the one-night stands. In fact I’ve been his only girlfriend, and he’s generally speaking a really sweet guy, although I know that he has a tendency to emotionally shut-down sometimes.

Anyways we talked a little bit after October, nothing too serious, and then we started talking a lot in January.

There would be some nights where even though it was a school night we’d talk till 2am or 3am in the morning. In one of these late night conversations he said that he was still very much attracted to me but wanted to try branching out a little (dating other people). After one of our really late night conversations we decided to keep texting during school and then later that evening he just stopped talking to me. Now he’s ignoring me. He helped me a little bit with an internship application but then after the application was done he stopped talking to me again.

My sweet 16 is in a month and I asked him for his address to mail the invitation letting him know that of course he didn’t have to give it to me if he didn’t want to come, but he still gave me his address even though he decided not to continue the conversation past that.

In the midst of all this ignoring, I’ve been subconsciously thinking about him more leading to point where *I* actually like him, but he’s still ignoring me – holding all the cards almost. Any advice? I feel like I’m getting mixed signals from him and so I don’t exactly know what to do even though I would really like to go back out with him. Please help.
Thanks Rob.

Hi,
Sorry to say but you’re only the “last boat in the harbor” as far as he goes.
When a guy says “I want to branch out and date other people” he really means is that as long as you’re available he will make out with you, and maybe look for more, but you’re only ever going to be a friend with benefits.

His ignoring you is the biggest sign that he only wants you when he wants you, nothing more.

Stop expecting him to change and you’ll get over him. Find another boy, I bet you have plenty of choices if you only look around, or enjoy your ‘singledom’.

I hope this helps,
Rob

Am I Only His Booty Call Now?

Hi Rob,
I absolutley love your website and now that I have gotten myself into a confusing situation I thought I could most definately use your advice.

Well I met a guy about a year ago and we started dating after a while within a couple months I knew I was head over heals in love.

Which is completely out of my charactar, I don’t fall easy, I don’t give in easy.

Anyways I broke up with him after discovering that he was talking to another girl he says no cheating occured but I will never know exactly what happen.

After being without him for a while I started to miss him terribly and I have tried cutting off contact but it feels impossible.

We talked and he doesn’t want to get back together because he says love came to quick for him and he doesn’t want to get hurt or hurt me. I do not know whether that is the coward way of telling me he doesn’t want to be with me or if that is true. I don’t understand…

He texts saying he misses me, I can’t go more than 3 days without recieving some sort of text or phone call so I know I’m on his mind… Could this be a case of him wanting what he can’t have? Could it be a game?

As soon as I have my mind set on moving on and not speaking to him he does something that ruins my intentions. He talks about getting together later on but I don’t understand why not now.

And now I have become the ex girlfriend that sleeps with her ex which I DESPISE I never wanted to be a friends with benefits, I don’t need that but I can’t seem to make that clear.

I know most people would say hes using me or I have become his “booty call” and all that noise, but it just doesn’t feel that way; he’s my bestfriend when we’re together we laugh non stop, and even though we are broken up it doesn’t feel any different.

I thought that maybe if I stop sleeping with him and ignore him he will want me back since you always seem to want what you can’t have, and that maybe I need to give him time to miss me.

After all absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I haven’t been able to do so. What should I do? And from your perspective what is his agenda? Thankyou for listening, and for your advice…
Sincerely,
Paulette

Dear Paulette,
There are two things in your future:
1. You stop sleeping with him, and since you’re really not in an emotional or romantic relationship, that’s the last you will see of him
2. He will keep you FWB’ing him until someone with more potential comes along.

You can NEVER jumpstart an old relationship with sex. Doesn’t happen, never did, never will.

“He talk about getting together later on” is code for “what you have right now doesn’t count but maybe in the future, if I really run out of options, or lose my job and need you to support me, then we can start telling people we’re ‘hanging out together'” which, of course, none of your friends know about your secret, right?

The only thing absence will give you here, honey, is the opportunity to turn your life around, and fast. And you’re life doesn’t involves him, not on this planet, not this world.

You want to test him? Tell him you want a summer wedding and a honeymoon in France “when the time is right”.

The next sentence you hear from him will be “I don’t think we’re there yet” or some other nonsense.
Then:
– Tell him to leave, immediately.
– Pack up whatever stuff he left behind, throw it all in a box or garbage bag. Leave him a voice mail that all his stuff is on the curb, waiting for him, “And that is the last time I want your shadow on my part of the city!”

Of course I could be wrong, but my track record so far has been quite good.
Best wishes,
Rob

How And Why To Drop A Player

Dear Rob,
I have an issue with a past relationship gone wrong and don’t know what to do about it.

Anyway, my story starts when about half a year ago I met a really cute guy who I’ll call “CG”.

We go to different highschools so one day, I went on his bus because my friend and I were going shopping around where he lives.

As soon as I got on the bus I caught his eye and thought he was cute but told myself that I would never be able to get him. He was sitting with his ex-girlfriend and they were listening to his ipod, and because he put it really loud I could hear the song.

At the time I was absolutely in love with that song so I had put it on my phone as my ringtone, and I played it really loud making sure that he would be able to hear it.

He turned around and asked me about the song and then he introduced himself to me.

Then my friend and I arrived at our destination so we got off the bus, and I didn’t turn back to look at him, thinking that I wouldn’t ever talk to him again.

But then, later on that night I went on Facebook and he had added me as a friend, even though I had never told him my name.

We started talking and he told me that he asked around to find out my name. He ended up asking me for my MSN, so I gave it to him and we started chatting with each other online.

The first time we started talking, he was very flirtatious and I could tell he was interested in me.

He always complimented me, saying very cheesy but cute things, and naturally I kind of started to like him too. So then he asked if we could meet up sometime that weekend, and I told him maybe.

Then that Saturday he texted me and asked me if he could go over, but I told him I was busy (I was playing hard-to-get). So then the next day he texted me again and told me that he was in the area that I lived near, so I told him that I’d meet him.

That day was the first day we actually really talked to each other face to face after talking to each other for about a week on MSN. He was adorable and I couldn’t keep my eyes off’ him. Then he told me that he had written a song for me.

He played it for me on his ipod and told me that he wrote the lyrics and gave it to his friend and his friend was the one who did the vocals and instrumentals.

After that I absolutely adored him. I mean, we had only met once and he had already written a song for me!

Anyway, we were having a great time walking around, getting to know each other, and then it was late afternoon and we decided to go back to my place.

That’s when we started to “get to know each other” better.

I had gone further with him than I had with any other guy, and I didn’t know why, I just felt some sort of attraction to him.

Then after having spent the entire day with him we continued to see each other for about a week, and he was such a sweetheart to me, no other guy had ever treated me that way before. I thought I had met my match, but then about a week into our “thing”, he started to pull away.

I figured it was because I was coming on too strong so I backed off a little, allowing him to come back to me. But then he called me one night and broke things off with me, I didn’t understand why and he could tell that I started crying a little, but then I don’t know how but he started crying too.

He had told me that he didn’t want to start anything with me since summer holidays were coming closer. I was really upset and he could tell, but then to my surprise he seemed like he was about to cry a river.

He was bawling his eyes out on the phone and I was so stunned I couldn’t say anything. That’s when we just left things as they were. Then about 2 weeks of not talking to each other, I was still hung up on him and there was a Spring Fair at my school so I called him and asked if he could come to the Spring Fair and we could talk.

We talked to each other and then he told me to wait for him till after the summer holidays, and the next school year wouldn’t start till another 4 months.

So stupidly enough I never let go of him. Everyone that knew about him told me to stay away from him as he was known to be a “player”.

I didn’t listen though. I thought he was different, he had always told me that he had never liked a girl as fast as he had liked me before.

So obviously I listened to him. Anyway, during those 4 months I had seen him once out with a load of friends and at that time I still really really liked him and never forgot about him, and he popped up out of nowhere and said hi to me.

I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do so I freaked out and my friends really didn’t like him because he made me an absolute mess over those couple of weeks. So they told me to be a complete utter bitch to him.

And I didn’t know what to do because on one hand I still really liked him, but on the other I also really wanted to let go of him. Then later on I saw him again on the dance floor and he started poking me and tickling me, being all flirtatious, and I didn’t want to get involved with him again so I turned around and walked away.

Then I saw a guy that I had previously hooked up with before so I grabbed him and started hooking up with him right where CG would be able to see us. I could see that he got incredibly jealous, so I walked out of the club to see if he would follow me, and of course his whole group of friends followed right after me.

We started talking and I was a complete utter bitch to him for some odd reason, and I could tell he didn’t like it because he was giving me attitude as well.

Anyway, that was one of the last times I had seen him over the summer. Then, near the end of the summer I had mostly forgotten about him and I was glad I did since he had messed me up. But then conveniently, one day we started talking again on MSN and we caught up with each other and our summers.
After about 2 hours of talking to him on MSN he asked for Skype, and we ended up talking for 8 hours in total without interruption. He was being really sweet again and complimented me the entire time.

Obviously, after that I was desperate to see him again, despite the fact he was the wrong guy for me.

So then by the end of the summer, he came back from his holidays and he had asked me if I wanted to hang out any time soon. So one day I went into the city with my friend and she had to leave so I decided to take that opportunity to hang out with him.

We met up after about 3 months of not seeing each other and we had a great time. But of course, he decided to come on to me and kiss me and I stupidly enough fell for it.

So we ended up hooking up again and I went even further than I had with him before. And I think that did it. After that he knew he had me in his hands. So he started being a bit of an asshole to me, he was never sweet and cute again, he actually became really rude.

I could tell he didn’t like me anymore because I saw him out one night after we hooked up and he was a complete asshole to me. He was hooking up with a girl right in front of me and made it CLEAR to me that he didn’t like me.

So then one day we were talking on MSN and asked me if I still liked him and I lied and said no. Then he told me flat out that he didn’t like me either but liked the “stuff” we did together.

So then he told me that he had a great time with me the last time we hooked up and asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him. I didn’t know if I wanted to so I told him I’d think about it. But then later on I accepted thinking that if he didn’t like me then the only way of getting with him was to be friends with benefits.

All the way through this though he changed into a very different person and was never the same person I had met the first time we saw each other. Now it has been around 3 weeks ago that he asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him and we haven’t met up yet.

We have seen each other at school events though, and he’s really nice in person and always flirts with me but we never did anything those times. Then about a week ago I was sitting with my friends and somehow his name came up and they started talking about that girl that he was hooking up with in front of me, and apparently he had been seeing her and they had been dating for a while.

After I heard that I was shocked but I also found it quite funny, because I knew that he used to be friends with benefits with her and people had always said that she was that one girl that he would never cheat on.

So now I’m in quite a pickle, I don’t know if I should continue on being in this relationship with him and ruin what he has with this girl, who I really really hate by the way, or I should just let him go and try to move on.

Do you think that I should let go of him and move on? And if so, how do I do this? During these 6 months of knowing him I have tried forgetting about him and building a relationship with other guys, but I can’t seem to meet anyone that treated me the same way CG had treated me.

He has hurt me and made me cry over him for a long time but for some odd reason I can’t seem to let go of him.

I know that he doesn’t like me, I know that he doesn’t want anything from me other than “benefits” and somehow that doesn’t bother me.

Because when I’m alone with him it seems like it’s 6 months all over again. He turns into that sweet guy I knew and treats me like a princess.

And I also know that if we’re JUST friends, it never works out, because we tried that and every single time we meet up we end up hooking up.

I don’t get what he wants from me. Is it just the action? Can guys actually be that heartless?

So I know that if I let go of this friends with benefits thing, we won’t be able to be friends.

It would just be one of those “hi” “how are you” kind of things. And I’m not prepared to do that.

Anyway, sorry for the long story.
Please reply 🙂
Thank you,
Lily

Hi Lily,
This guy has played you all along.

DO NOT start a friends with benefits relationship with him.

If he’s only interested in you for sex, and you allow this to happen, you’ll never forgive yourself later. Trust me, this is not the way to attract a guy, to make him love you. You become simply a body for his pleasure, to abuse when he’s in the mood, emotionless, loveless and empty.

Drop him.

Dump him hard.

Erase and block his MSN from your computer.

Erase and block him on Skype

Tell your friends that you’re not a sex toy for any man and keep to it.

Take some time being single, get your head clear, maybe in the new year you’ll be better prepared to share your life with someone again.

BUT you need to take care of yourself first.

You say you’ll never meet a guy that treated you the way he did?

Honestly, overall the only thing he’s done is play you. Despite his “cuteness” and willingness to talk all hours about things, he’s always comes back to hooking up with you. Remember that. He’s treated you like trash, something you take out once in a while, when he’s not busy with any other girls.
Best wishes,
Rob