Tag Archives: friends

Biker Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
I’ve been seeing this guy for 7 months now. I met him in a biker bar where almost anything goes.

When I first saw him I wasn’t attracted to him but the way he approached me drew me in. Everyone in the bar consistently tells me how attractive I am and guys are always hitting on me. This is where the problems started.

I have never cheated on him and I do believe he hasn’t either. We live about a half hour apart. I have traveled every weekend to him to stay from Friday to Sunday night. He has been a great boyfriend, always takes care of me when were out, very respectful, loving and loves me to death.

I have never had anyone love me as much as he does. Problems are he is very insecure with his looks and himself. He has a problem with being in unfamiliar situations with crowds. He breaks out into sweats. He hasn’t spent anytime with me and my friends due to he’s very insecure and feels he won’t fit in.

He has been going to this same bar for 9 yrs. and me just 1 year ago. He is comfy with the surroundings of the bar and the friends he has there. He doesn’t socialize very much anywhere else and I do. I’m very outgoing. He told me once he’s not a lover of life and has had suicidal thoughts since he was a teenager. He is now 45 and I am 43.

He has clung to me and doesn’t want the outside world to pull me away from him, that has been his fear. He hasn’t had a relationship last more than a few months and another issue is he isn’t a good kisser at all and in bed not very passionate.

Again he will do anything for me but these things are just built into a person, I think. and it’s important to me to being compatible with someone.

I admit I have been a flirt while at this bar. Again I have never cheated… but once alcohol is involved my frustration builds and I push away from him and the flirting starts with other guys.

We broke up once a month ago only for a week. I took him back, then a week ago I broke off with him again. It was a ugly breakup due to alcohol was involved with me while being at the bar.

I’ve never been mean or hurtful to him and he hasn’t with me. I emailed him twice to explain how I was feeling… he read but didn’t reply. He’s not talking with anyone.

I’m so confused as to my heart is hurting so bad. I miss him and love him. I’ve been sick to my stomach all week but I’m scared…. I’m scared that things wont be right if we get back together.
Thank you for reading,
June

Hi June,
I think that, honestly, the two of you need some time apart to get some counseling.

Alcohol abuse is a sure sign of discomfort, with what I couldn’t tell you, I don’t know you.

Your (ex) boyfriend has agoraphobia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agoraphobia) which can be treated, either through medication, counseling, or both.

Stop emailing your feelings to him.
Enough is enough.

He’s likely hurt but not in a “broken love” way, more of a “don’t know what to do” way and since he has no one to talk this over with except for bar-buddies, at this time in your life you’re better off working on yourself.

You’re both old enough to make the most of the rest of your lives worth living, now is the time for change.

You haven’t spoken much about your previous relationships but I feel as though you’ve been through the wringer. Take some time for yourself.

Enrol in a cooking class… something out of the house where you can meet people other than at a bar.

If you can lighten the load you are putting on yourself you’ll be much better, you’ll have more energy and all around enjoy “you” more.

I wish you well,
Email me any time.
Best wishes,
Rob.

How To Leave A Controlling Boyfriend

Dear Rob,
My situation is probably a bit different than what you have heard.

I know for a fact that I am in a relationship with a controlling (verbally) boyfriend. I left him — for what I thought was for good — but then realized that I was pregnant with his baby and for some reason that I will never understand, I freaked out and went back out with him because I didn’t know what else to do.

This was 3 months ago.

Now, I realize that wasn’t the smartest choice. The most recent time I tried to break it off, he cried and begged and pleaded for my forgiveness, saying the last thing he wants is our relationship to be like his mom and birth dad’s (his mom divorced his birth dad when he was 2 months old because his birth dad was physically abusive).

My question now for women is:
1) What is the best/safest way to get out of a controlling relationship, and
2) How the heck do I get out now that I’m pregnant?!

I know I need to! I desperately need your help because I have no idea how to break it off for good and safely. (He has a history of severe anger..)
Mary-Ann

Hi Mary-Ann,
The best and safest way is to end it quickly and move out with a pre-planned plan when he is not there.

You should have an arranged safe place to go to… your parents, a trusted friend, a shelter for women.

If this is not possible make your move suddenly, take what you can, come back for anything else in a couple of weeks. Send a friend, family member… just not yourself alone.

You may need a restraint order, or an order of protection. The local court house will help you with this, or the police, there are public services that you need to use when needed.

Change the passwords and email accounts on everything.
Change or cancel cell phone plans.

Get your postal mail forwarded to a rented postal box, not your new address.

Cancel any joint accounts and bills that are in both your names: credit cards, electricity, phone bills, cable bills. Whatever. If the rental lease is in your name, see if you can get your name off it… understand the cost to break the lease but don’t let that stop you. Your own safety is worth more than any dollar amount. Stop using anything that is in his name only.

You’ll need financial support for your child but that is best handled by lawyers that are familiar with the family court system.

Keep a journal of everything that has happened, a daily diary. Leave nothing out. Abusive events… times when your safety was questionable… witnesses, police reports. Write everything down, every day, all the time. Write it on paper, write it online, tape record yourself, whatever it takes to keep a consistent record of your life, from this moment forward, your recent past… and right now as you read my email.

Your greatest strength on leaving him is in your support system: family, friends and local support facilities. Know them, and use them when needed.

You can do this, you’ve made the first step, you’ve reached out to me.
Make the next step, plan your safety route. And take it.
I wish you well,
Rob.