Tag Archives: friendship

FWB and Home Cooked meals

Hi Rob!
I found your email on the advicegeneral.com website and really like the way you give advice to so many women. Is it possible that you can offer me your advice as well? If so, this is my situation:

I’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months now, but started to sleep with him around the 2nd-3rd month. I then asked him what we were and he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship so we’re practically fwb (friends with benefits). I continued to see him (with the sex), but after a month I started to feel weird and told him that I couldn’t do the fwb thing unless we were in a relationship. He said he was ok with being friends with no sex and still wanted to keep in touch.

But after a few days, he called and we ended up hooking up again. But lately he’s been acting really sweet to me, bringing me homecooked meals and acting well-mannered towards me (helped me shop for school supplies, I’m 32 and in college). But he still only contacts me every 2-3 days and we usually end up having sex after eating dinner or hanging out (lately I’ve been buying dinner since he’s very short on money). But last night, I called him and asked to go see him. We hung out at his friend’s house and then afterwards, he said he had to go home because he had to wake up early to work with his dad. This time, he didn’t ask me for any kind of sex.

After a few days, feeling confused again, I hung out with him and told him that I really can’t sleep with him unless we were in a relationship, and then he agreed that we shouldn’t sleep together because he said he didn’t want me to get too attached. He also said that he really can’t have a relationship because he still needs to straighten out his life (he’s 22, out of work, dragging along in college and lives in a 2-bedroom house with his dad and 7 siblings).

But then later on that night, we ended up in bed again. I feel bad now. But I really don’t know how he feels about me. It’s as if he cares but doesn’t.

I don’t even know if he really considers me as a friend. Does this mean he likes me for more than a fwb? Please help. I like this guy alot! I also feel so empty now. I’ve tried to ignore him, but it’s too hard because I really like him and treasure our friendship that we’ve built (at least from my perspective).

Thank you. I hope you can help me with this situation. Your advice is so greatly appreciated!
Sincerely,
Shirley

Hi Shirley,
It’s time to break things off, now!

He has said numerous times that he doesn’t want a girlfriend (or at least you as a girlfriend) and that he just wants sex.

Enticements of food and other goodies just makes it easier for him to have sex with you, he’s less guilty and get what he wants.

You get nothing, really.

Break it off and work on your self-esteem and read books to have a better understanding of men.

You can move to a better, more positive place, but only of you’re out of the place you’re in now!
Best wishes,
Rob

The Controller And Sex

Hi Rob,
I have never done this but its just been eating away at me lately.

I met this guy three years ago and we hit if off right away, as best friends, but six months later it turned into more, and we started going out. After a while though things got rocky and we broke up but stayed best friends and eventually fell right back into our relationship habits because he had been staying at my apartment as my roommate.

Anyway, it turned into a “friends with benefits” thing even though neither of us would call it that. We have now gone out and broken up five times now but this last time I had moved to Florida with him because he wanted me too and I did. But soon afterwards he dumped me again and he started dating someone else when I went home for my sister’s wedding.

When I got back I was angry and hurt and moved back home. But he kept calling me everyday while he was dating her and even more so after they broke up three months later. He came to visit three times and then talked me into coming up there twice. And once more we have slipped into the “friends with benefits” role even though I am still pretty bitter.

And I don’t know what to do. I love him and he is the best friend I have ever had and I don’t want to lose that, yet he has caused me more pain than anyone else emotionally.

He gets horribly jealous when another guy flirts with me or when I try to move on and date someone else but he cannot say he cares for me. Should I give it one more try? Or should I just suck it up and try to forget him and lose my best friend?
Thanks, Messed Up.

Hi Messed Up,
You’re right to question this relationship because it’s not a healthy one. There is nothing “two-way” about what you have here. Multiple breakups and continually making yourself available to this guy tells me that you need to work on your self-confidence, your inner strength, and stop being so dependent on someone so controlling and destructive.

This guy fits the controlling profile type to a T. And, he’s using you for sex.
His jealousy tells me that he wants what he wants and will fight everyone, even you, to get it. This isn’t love, heck, it’s barely friendship. He has you under his control and uses whatever he can to keep you there.
He’s going to be a heck of an abuser later on, if he hasn’t hit you already he sure knows your buttons to push to keep you under his control.

I suggest you distance yourself from him and keep him away. Break all contact. Don’t let him waste more of your life away.
He’s not really a friend, he’s someone you’ve been intimate with, on his terms only, and that will never change. Never let someone else have such control over you because when the light finally comes on you’ll find that you really have wasted those months or years with a control freak that never considered your feelings.

You know by the tone of your letter that you need to break up with him once and for all.
And you’re right!

So do it.
Best wishes,
Rob.