Tag Archives: fwb rules

Friends With Benefits Breakup

Dear Rob,
I encountered your article online when I was searching for the consequences of FWBs, and I decided to email you. Maybe you could give me advice.

Okay, I am one of those women who agreed to be FWBs with the guy I met.

I met him online and it turns out that we just live a couple of blocks away from each other.

Once a week he’ll pick me up and we will hangout in his place. we will watch movies or play guitar and have drinks (but we don’t drink to get drunk, just to be sober), then later he would ask if I wanna have sex with him or “if i wanna do it”.

I already understood what it means. That’s always the scenario.

After having doing all these stuff, sex is the very end of everything.

That happened for 2 months.

Having sex with him the first time was kind of a learning experience for me (since I never had a boyfriend before).

The guy was nice and everything, there was no emotional attachment at the first time. We call each other like 3 times a week or every other night and have sex with one of those nights.

That was a nice feeling, having someone to talk to, but one of my friends told me that I have to separate sex and my emotional feelings, but later, I start to fall in love with this guy.

The worse thing is, he doesn’t call me anymore.

I learned that this guy is somehow dating someone else.

Now I feel jealous about the situation.

I can’t confront him, since at the beginning we agreed on FWBs situation – and we can date anyone we want.

I am really now on the verge of telling him what I truly feel for him because this is already driving me insane.

I really like him now, but I can say that sex is not the reason why I have fallen for this guy. I like him as a person.

He is so nice and treated me with respect. Even though maybe we never had sex and we were just hanging out or dating out, I would still have fallen in love with him.

To think that I never had a boyfriend before, and I am so happy that i am seeing him and he treated me nice.

So but then, at the end, I’m the one turning out to be a loser, since I am now emotionally attached to him, but I know he is not.

Is there any advice you can give?

Do you think I should or shouldn’t tell the guy that I am falling in love with him now?

What would be the consequences if I spill out the beans to him?
Susie

Hi Susie,
Not only have you been used but you were convinced, dishonestly, that you could separate sex from emotions.

You can’t.

It’s tough having never had a boyfriend before, and now you have this great guy that listens to you, a guy that seems to understand you… but ends the night with “do you wanna do it?”

Sex is as personal as it gets and to have to “shut yourself off” from the emotions that come along with it is unnatural.

You said “He is a nice person and treated you nice”. Another lie to yourself. Sure, he was very friendly, he got what he wanted from you: sex.

And you were willing to give.

As soon as you discovered that he was dating someone else the jealousy nerves spoke up:

“He was yours first! He should still be yours! Why is he dating someone else! Doesn’t he know how you feel!”

These are the emotions you feel… they are true emotions coming from the most intimate of encounters.

Now, though, you are on your own to deal with this betrayal and hurt.

You could talk to him, but it really won’t do any good. He’ll just tell you that you were “fu-k buddies” and nothing more.

Now he has a girlfriend he doesn’t need you anymore.

Understand that the emotional attachment you feel with him is because of two things: the intimate connection (sex) you had, and the jealousy you now feel because he has someone else.

By all means, if it will make you feel better confront him with your feelings. No emails, no letters, no phone calls, just a face-to-face talk.

He will shut you out, you will be hurt.

You have learned a hard lesson and I hope you heal quickly.

Not all guys are users, not all women want to be used.

You just fell through the cracks this time. Learn from this mistake.
Best wishes,
Rob.

Am I A “Friend With Benefits” Or Dating This Guy?

Hi Rob,
I have been seeing Charlie* for about 5 months. Charlie* is and engineer and works late, which means its hard to see him regularly because of late shifts. Usually on his early days or days off we’ll get together for dinner or a drink. This results in an over night stay at his place. We have been sleeping together sexually for about 3 months and it is monogamous. I told him that I am attracted to him and his response was “I’m not looking to be in a relationship right now, but I am interested in you.” What’s that mean and how am I supposed to act towards him?

I took the comment as us being friends with benefits. But friends don’t pay for dinner or drinks every time and refuse to take money when someone offers to help out with the bill. I am very confused with how he treats me. I am really into Charlie* and don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I’m not pushy with it but I need a man’s advice on what to in a situation like this. Do I stick around and wait for him to see that I am relationship material or what? Or is it a lost cause and should I just remain friends?
-In a dilemma

Hi dilemma,
He won’t change, you need to.
Change boyfriends, that is.

And I wouldn’t even call him about it. You can be his big loss.

Guys that have ‘friends with benefits’ are the biggest users around. They get everything they want/need without caring how the other person actually feels. I bet you’ve had many sleepless nights wondering what’s going on while he beside you snoring away.

As for him paying the bills, that can be one of two things:
he realizes that he makes more money than you, so he pays, or
he figures it’s the least that he can do, to keep the benefits rolling in (without realizing that he’s practically prostituting you!)

You need to end this and find someone to settle down with, pronto.
Best wishes,
Rob.

When Friends With Benefits Backfires

Dear Rob,
I am getting quite annoyed with myself and came across this site and hoped you may be able to offer some advice.

About four years ago I met a man the same age as me (23 at the time) and we really got on, however we were never more than friends with benefits. I was really happy with that as I could keep that part of my life separate from the other more boring parts of my life.

He then disappeared and I hadn’t heard from him for almost three years and really had moved on and hadn’t given him much thought, I guess I just assumed he had met someone he was serious about.

About four months ago he got back in touch and things have returned to the way things were before only now he is meeting my friends and family. Before he only came to see me on an evening now he calls when I have people there too.

My son has met him and although he thinks of him as just mom’s friend he is becoming close to him.

Now here’s the problem:
The more I see of him and the more my friends and family accept him the more I am starting to feel for him. That’s why I am annoyed with myself it was never supposed to go this way.

I haven’t told him this and I won’t even if that’s what you advise me to do as I don’t want to risk the friendship. I know he cares about me and wouldn’t want to hurt me but I just don’t think he would want anything more serious as I am an overweight single mum and he is attractive and can probably have any stick thin thing he wants. I don’t know what advice you could give me but needed to say it all somewhere without risking people thinking I am weak or judging me, I didn’t want to end up feeling like this and originally I thought the set up was great. Anyway what do you think.
Anon

Hi Anon,
You’ve fallen into several traps here:

You’ve tried to separate sex from your feelings, which never works out;

You’ve mixed “Friends with Benefits” sex with family and now not only will you get hurt but your son as well;

You don’t think much of yourself, seriously, you’re self-conscious and not happy with the person you are;

And reality has entered the relationship and you know his interest in you is only sex just as it was for you. Or you’re reading this development all wrong and are to scared to admit to yourself about using him and hoping for more. You can’t give yourself the forgiveness you really need to expand on this possible relationship as it progresses.

Having a relationship based on sex is not being honest with yourself or does it show that you respect yourself. This type of behavior has to end now!

Having a “Friends with Benefits” relationship is always a losing situation for the woman, as you admit.

Here you were, screwing around with him, and he just disappears. He found something better and moved on. You kept to yourself and when he re-appeared you opened your bed to him again.

Is this how you want your son to view women? As objects for pleasure, not to be loved and appreciated?

First off, end this relationship. You’re not going to get what you want from him and you’re going to hurt a lot more if you let this continue. Unless he puts a ring on your finger, give him the boot. Even his meeting your family and becoming friends with your son are dangerous signs that he wants what you can’t give him. Or what you can’t trust him with. Or that you want less than he’s offering because you can’t believe that there is more to sex than casual non-committal hook ups.

Then I want you to start counseling. Find out why your self-esteem and self-respect is at such a low point.

And if you’re not working, get a job and/or go back to school. Start walking a little every day, get some exercise. Improve your life so you aren’t reliant on others. Show your son that life is worth living, not letting it pass you by. That you don’t need to be used any longer, you have value as a person.

“Friends with Benefits” relationships are deceiving people left and right. These “friends” that hook up believe that they can separate sex from emotion. That there is no commitment required, there will be no regrets, and that sex is just an amusement between two people that happen to be together at the moment.

But if you dig a little deeper, wasn’t there some basis for the initial attraction? Did the hook up happen only as if you had purchased a ticket on an amusement park ride? Did you not feel some comfort in the afterglow of the sex act then refuse to admit to yourself that you actually are a person capable of having feelings?

When this type of disorganized thinking is revealed to not be the real intention of getting together how does the relationship move on? How can you get over the feelings of being used for your body parts and find a way to move beyond the “Friends with Benefits” beginning and into a real loving relationship?

Almost universally there is a breakup (or ending of the FWB rules), further repeated hook ups resulting in hurt emotions and bewilderment as you try to figure out how life went so terribly wrong.

End the FWB relationship as soon as possible. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your “friend” and get to the root of your relationship needs. Love and companionship isn’t rooted in sex, sex comes after love and commitment has been proven.

And if the relationship is not to progress beyond convenient hook ups, it’s time to re-examine your self-worth and find yourself a true love to share yourself with, even if this means working on yourself while staying single and celibate for a while.
Best wishes,
Rob.